


Don't Take My Sunshine Away

by SevenSoulmates



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Dad!Buck, Dreamscapes, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, False Accusations of Domestic Abuse, Family Law - Freeform, Father-Son Relationship, Fatherhood, Getting Together, Hurt Eddie Diaz, Injury Induced Coma, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Parental Alienation, Post-Season/Series 03, the last tag is for Eddie's parents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:07:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 113,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24784354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SevenSoulmates/pseuds/SevenSoulmates
Summary: Eddie is in a coma, and Buck blames himself. He should've been there to protect Eddie. The least he can do now is to be there for Christopher, even if Buck doesn't know if he has it in him to be a parent without Eddie. Buck makes Eddie a deal: he'll fight for Christopher in the real world, while Eddie fights to wake up.Eddie's come a long way since those bleak days in El Paso, listening to his parents comments about how he's not fit to be a father. How Christopher doesn't deserve to be dragged down by the likes of Eddie and Shannon. Eddie thought after moving to LA, he and Chris had escaped that. When he wakes up and finds Buck neck-deep in a legal battle with his parents for custody of Christopher, Eddie must face his own mistakes, and find the confidence to stand up for himself against his absolute worst nightmare.
Relationships: Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 620
Kudos: 947
Collections: 9-1-1 ▶ Edmundo "Eddie" Diaz / Evan "Buck" Buckley





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! This story is completely written, updates will come rather quickly.
> 
> Some things:  
> 1.) I don't know shit about medical stuff/comas so please suspend your disbelief about how long Eddie ultimately ends up being in a coma. At this point, it's not about medical accuracy but rather that Eddie wakes up when I need him to wake up! Thanks plot devices!  
> 2.) I also don't know shit about the court system. I do have some first hand experience with family law/custody battles, and most of what is written in here is based off of what I already knew and not off of extensive research. If it's inaccurate, please don't come for me.  
> 
> 
> This was also lowkey inspired by a conversation I had with InsaneJuliann about her fic in the Evolution of Buddie series called "Bittersweet Triumph"--if you've not checked out that series it is an absolute must.

Buck sits in the waiting room, head in his hands, waiting for any updates on Eddie’s condition when the rest of his team makes it in.

He stands up when Bobby reaches him. “Any news?”

Buck shakes his head. “No. Nothing. They won’t tell me anything.”

“Okay, I’ll go check and see if I can find anything out.”

Buck sits back down on the chair, his entire body numb. The only thing he could think of was that today was supposed to be a normal day. It _was_ a normal day. Just last night, he was huddled on the couch, Eddie and Chris beside him while they played the latest video game Buck bought for them to play together.

_“So what do you think? Are these therapy sessions working for you?” Buck asked after they had put Christopher to bed._

_Eddie gave him a quizzical look. “Therapy?”_

_Buck chuckles a bit. “Yeah, getting to knock me and everyone out over and over again as much as you want without ever having to lift a finger. You know I read a study that video games actually help to release testosterone in male brains that helps with stress release. It’s the problem solving aspect of it, the way the game presents to you a clear problem and playing the game allows you to execute a solution. And bam! Dopamine and testosterone explode all over your brain! Instant stress relief. Can’t believe Frank hadn’t been suggesting you play video games from the start.”_

_Eddie stares at him. He wasn’t laughing along or jostling his arm making jokes. His eyes were light, even in the shadowed darkness of the hall outside Christopher’s bedroom. Buck wonders if he should’ve kept his mouth shut. Not done anything to bring up Eddie’s brief but dark moments when he’d been street fighting._

_Instead Eddie reaches out a hand that lands on Buck’s forearm. “You know, when I said that...I didn’t actually mean the video games.”_

_Huh? So if the video games weren’t his therapy, then what was?_

_Eddie smiles at the lost look on Buck’s face. If it had been anyone else, Buck might’ve even felt embarrassed, or ashamed, but Eddie didn’t look at him like he was stupid. He looked at him with something else...something warm and gooey, a look Buck only ever saw on his face when he looked at his son. It made him feel...he didn’t really know what emotion to call it. Just that it made him feel good._

_“Don’t tell Frank,” Eddie starts again, “But talking to him actually does help. It doesn’t help with the stress, in fact going gives me more stress than I care to admit, but meeting with him has helped me. He’s teaching me how to actually process the shit that happens and not pack it away so tightly that it never goes away, or worse, comes exploding out of me. It’s helped me start to allow myself to feel anything other than angry or...or empty.”_

_Eddie’s thumb is moving lightly over the inside of Buck’s elbow, brushing softly over his veins._

_“But being here with Chris and with you...doing all the things we do together--” Buck sees the making of a small smile flitter across Eddie’s face and it’s like someone socked Buck in the heart-- “it’s the first time in a while that I’ve_ allowed _myself to feel happy in the moments when I want to be.”_

_Buck wants to cry. Hell, maybe his eyes were already watering. He wants to catapult forward and capture Eddie in his arms and never let him go. Promise him that all Buck ever wanted was to make him happy, and that hearing that he--and mostly Christopher--had some role in allowing Eddie to feel happy again was making him want things with Eddie. So many many more things with Eddie that he couldn’t really voice._

_Eddie looks back at the room where Christopher is sleeping, his smile natural and real on his face, not falling away even when he turns back to Buck._

_“I love that kid more than life itself,” Eddie murmurs. He squeezes Buck’s arm, feels his pulse, matches his inhales and exhales to the beat. Calming. Peaceful. “I’ll never be able to express to you how grateful I am for all that you do for him...for me.”_

You don’t have to be grateful _, Buck thinks. Letting Buck into his family was more than enough._

_“All I want is for you and Chris to be happy,” Buck says. And it feels like something more than what a friend says to another friend. It sounds like devotion. And it doesn’t scare Buck because he’s long decided that these two boys were all he wanted._

_Eddie’s smile is for Buck now. All for him. And it brightens his entire world._

It’s that feeling Buck hangs onto while he sits in the hospital waiting room. The rest of the team was surrounding him now. Talking amongst themselves, trying to talk to Buck. Maddie finally makes it the hospital some time later and as soon as she sees Buck sitting there, slouched in his chair like the entire life had drained out of him (and if Buck could drain the very life from his body with a tube and connect it to Eddie he would) she’s on him in an instant.

Buck can’t break down. Last time he broke down Eddie was trapped forty feet underground, and Buck had wasted time by allowing himself to crack, to fall to pieces. He shouldn’t have reacted that way. He should’ve held himself together, whipped into shape to help his team immediately start to look for Eddie. He had wasted time crying when he should’ve been saving Eddie. Bringing Chris his father back. And when Eddie had saved himself, before anyone else could even start looking for him, Buck vowed that he would always fight to make sure Eddie came home to his family. 

But that didn’t mean he wasn’t on the verge of losing it. Buck felt like at any moment a gentle breeze would set him off. The generators humming in the background gave him a headache, made his temples throb and his left eyelid twitch uncontrollably. For a moment he wished for silence, complete silence, where he could surrender himself to the rushing in his head.

Maddie sat down next to him, Chim on her other side, and held his hand. It was nice. Her hands were soft, like they used to be when she would come home on weekends from college, sitting with him in his room, listening to him talk about how much he hated his life and how he couldn’t wait to graduate and get out of Pennsylvania. 

Bobby came back-- _finally_ \--walking beside a doctor. Buck was out of his seat and in front of them in an instant. Bobby’s hand came out to steady him.

“May I speak with the family of Eddie Diaz?” the doctor asked.

“I called his grandmother and his aunt,” Buck says quickly. “His aunt was at work and his abuela was visiting friends in a city a couple of hours away. They’re both on their way, but I don’t know when they will get here. Their home aide is bringing his son, but he’s a minor.”

The doctor nodded, “Alright. If you could please have a nurse inform us of when his family arrives I can then give you more details about his condition. The rest of what I can share has been disclosed to your captain.”

“But--” Buck starts to protest. Bobby squeezes his shoulder to silence him. Reluctantly, Buck listens and waits till the doctor walks away before demanding to know what Bobby knows. 

Bobby turns to the rest of the group and says, “He’s alive and not in critical condition.”

Buck would’ve sagged to the floor if every member of his team hadn’t been standing directly behind him with a hand to keep him upright. 

“Why won’t the doctors tell us anything else then if he’s okay?” Chimney asks, voicing Buck’s opinion in a far calmer way than he would’ve been able to.

Bobby hesitates, biting his lip.

“Out with it,” Athena says, and Buck couldn’t be more grateful to her. His tongue felt swollen and fused to the roof of his mouth.

“He hasn’t woken up,” Bobby tells the group. “The doctor said there’s brain function but it...might be a while till he wakes up. If at all.”

 _If at all_.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Buck growls. Maddie’s hold on his arm tightens.

Bobby doesn’t look phased by Buck’s actions. He just looks sad. And that’s worse than anything Bobby could’ve done at that moment.

“It means it’s a waiting game from here on out.”

*

They take shifts going home, getting food, taking showers. Everyone except Buck. 

Eventually Pepa arrives and the doctors explain in a little more detail to her. She immediately relays everything to Buck and the others. There’s a bit of swelling in Eddie’s brain that is reducing but hasn’t gone away yet. They don’t know when he will wake up, but it seems likely. 

It’s not enough for Buck. 

Carla had arrived at the hospital with Christopher pretty soon after Bobby gave the group the update on Eddie. Christopher clung to Buck just as hard as Buck clung to him. The two hadn’t left each other’s side in hours. Christopher was napping on him now, head crooked into his shoulder, and it was only the little boy’s solid weight that stopped Buck from completely floating away. Telling Christopher that his dad was hurt nearly shattered Buck entirely. But what kept the both of them hanging on was the hope that Eddie was okay and would get better. He just needed to wake up. And Christopher and Buck would be right there when he did.

As the hours passed with no update, Abuela said it was time to take Chris home so he could sleep and go to school the next day.

Christopher’s head whipped to Buck. “But I want to stay here with you and wait for daddy.”

Eddie still hadn’t been allowed visitors just yet. Apparently they needed to keep him isolated in the ICU in case anything changed and they needed to step in.

He thought about letting Christopher go home, falling asleep worrying about his dad, being unable to sleep without either one of them in the house. What if Christopher had a nightmare? And this time it wasn’t just Shannon drowning in the tsunami but his dad too? No, Buck couldn’t let Christopher leave without at least letting Christopher see Eddie once with his own eyes. In truth, it was just as much for himself as it was for Christopher. He just needed to see Eddie with his own eyes to make sure he was okay. Still breathing. Still fighting.

He picks up Christopher with him and walks over to see a nurse, asking if there are any new changes on Eddie Diaz and if it was at all possible his son could see him, even just for a minute. 

The nurse informs him that actually they just switched Eddie to a room out of the ICU.

“Can I please get your relation?” the nurse asks him. “Past visiting hours we can only permit family.”

“Uh, I--”

Pepa comes up behind them and places her hand on Buck’s shoulder. “He’s Eddie’s partner, and this is his son. We just want the boy to see his father for a short minute before we take him home. You understand, yes?”

The woman smiles sympathetically, typing into her computer, before gesturing for them to follow another nurse that comes by to take them to Eddie’s room.

“Go,” Pepa whispers to him. “See him. Make sure he comes back to us.”

“Pepa,” Buck moves closer to her, lowering his voice. “Why did you tell them that?”

“You’re as good as his partner,” Pepa replies simply. “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Take the boy to see his father.”

Buck just nods, mouth tight and carries Christopher down the hall to the room that the nurse tells him is Eddie’s. Buck steels himself outside of the door. Christopher hasn’t said much in the past couple of minutes, so Buck tilts his head for his attention.

“Hey buddy, can you listen to me for a sec?” 

Christopher looks up at him. He looks older now, much older than the 8 year old little boy he met the day of the earthquake. He didn’t even need to be carried anymore, but Christopher liked it so Eddie and Buck always indulged it. Soon he would be taller, heavier, but Buck would just work that much harder to get stronger, so he could carry Christopher always.

“Yeah Buck?”

“No matter what we see in there, I just want you to know that your dad loves you, and he doesn’t want you to be sad. But if you feel sad, don’t hide it okay? Don’t feel like you have to be strong for him--or for me, okay?” Buck nearly chokes, blinking away his own tears. “If you’re sad, you tell me, okay? If you’re scared or worried, you tell me and we’ll feel it together. You don’t have to hide what you feel; your dad wouldn’t want that.”

Christopher nods, his head turned away from Buck again, but he squeezes Buck’s shoulder and says a small, “Okay, Buck.” So Buck nods and says it back. Then he opens the door and they walk inside.

Buck’s no stranger to hospital rooms. He knows that the beds are never long enough and his feet usually hang off the edge if he lies all the way down. He knows the clean stench lingers in his nostrils and doesn’t go away until he’s had a chance to trim his nose hairs. The pudding isn’t nearly as good as the pudding from the coffee house around the corner from Eddie’s house. He could feel the melody of mechanical beeping in his muscles, like a familiar song he hadn’t heard in awhile. But he had to admit, he wasn’t used to standing on this side of the hospital bed. He tried to remember the last time it was _him_ visiting someone in the hospital bed. Did he count Maddie giving birth? Not really; she was never in danger. Chimney and the rebar. That was the last time he’d visited someone who’d been on the verge of death.

Christopher asks to be let down and he walks up to Eddie who looks pale and still. Eddie’s always had an impressively impassive face. One created from years of precisely controlling every facial expression. Buck had read in a physiology paper once that if you could force yourself to smile, or even better, force yourself to laugh, for long enough, you could trick your brain into thinking you were happy. He wondered if that’s what happened to Eddie. He trained his face to remain impassive as a default. Buck had gotten so used to soft private smiles, sneaking glances at Eddie when someone made him _genuinely_ laugh, trying to soak in the way his smile took up most of his face. Like once his smile escaped, it was impossible to try to wrangle it back into its cage.

Eddie’s face was devoid of any emotion at that moment, and in every moment that followed while Buck stood there and stared at him. It was one of the only times Buck could let himself look at Eddie as long as he wanted without worrying about getting caught. But he wanted to get caught. He didn’t want to keep looking at Eddie with his eyes closed, and gauze wrapped around his head and arms. He didn’t want to see Eddie’s empty face. The smile that had been trapped in the cage no longer struggled to get free. 

Christopher is at Eddie’s side, staring just as hard as Buck was. What could possibly be going through Christopher’s mind right now? Was he hurting just as much as Buck was right now? He hates himself for thinking that. Eddie was Christopher’s. Buck didn’t have any right to try and claim this grief as his. He refused to let himself make this about anyone but Eddie and Christopher. 

Buck knows how hard Eddie worked to teach Christopher to express his emotions. How hard Eddie worked to finally _finally_ allow himself to stop bottling his feelings and set a good example for his son. And Buck knows he just promised Chris that whatever he was feeling, they could feel together. But Buck knows that whatever he does, he can’t cry right now. No matter how much his eyes sting, or the knot in his throat throbs. No matter how much he wants to collapse to the ground and cry out every drop of water in his body. 

Buck couldn’t let himself break down right now. If he let himself fall to the hospital floor, there was no way he would ever be able to pick himself up again. And Buck couldn’t let himself go to that place right now. He needed to be here, standing behind Christopher, ready to catch the little boy if he needed him.

Christopher leans over and whispers something in Eddie’s ears. Buck wishes he could hear it, but he won’t ask. Whatever he said, it was sacred between him and his father. 

“C’mere Bucky,” Christopher turns to gesture him forward, holding out his hand. Buck takes it and stands with his side pressed to Christopher’s, his shoulder pressing into Buck’s forearm. Grounding. 

“He’s going to get better,” Christopher says with a clear voice. 

Buck manages to pull his eyes away from Eddie for a second to look at his best friend’s son. 

“How do you know?” Buck asks. He truly does want to know.

Christopher shrugs. “I just know. Daddy always comes back for me.”

Buck shuts his eyes and clenches his jaw. In his head, he chants _don’t fall apart, don’t fall apart, don’t fucking fall apart._ He opens his eyes slowly, forcing his voice to seem normal.

“Yeah, he always does, huh?”

Chris picks up Eddie’s hand, kissing it. He then holds Eddie’s hand out to Buck.

Buck looks at Chris, not understanding. Chris reaches out and grabs Buck’s hand moving it to connect with Eddie’s. “Daddy says kissing makes the pain go away. I kissed it better, so you have to too.”

Oh. 

Christopher moves aside so that Buck can kneel down by Eddie’s side. He holds Eddie’s hand in both of his. His fingers look pale. And not pale like Buck’s, but pale like grey, frosted. He rubs each of Eddie’s fingers between his hands, trying to warm them up as best as he could. He closes his eyes and picks his hand up and brings it to his lips. He kisses Eddie’s skin softly, and if he lets his lips linger there, nobody has to know. 

When he stands up, he’s unable to help himself. He bends forward and kisses Eddie’s cheek. Into Eddie’s ear, he whispers, “Please wake up. Please don’t leave us. Don’t leave me.”

And then Buck pulls away. Christopher is smiling at him, like he wants to know what Buck said to his dad too but wasn’t going to ask either. Letting Buck have his moment. Buck was struck for the millionth time by how amazing this little boy was. How beautiful his heart was and how he gave away his love so freely. Buck was forever grateful to Eddie for bringing Christopher into his life. It was one of the many things he was grateful to Eddie for, but probably one of the best things. 

The same nurse that led them in comes back to lead them out. Buck turns around to look at Eddie one last time. 

The love of his life laying there motionless on the bed. 

If nothing else, Buck just wished that he would get one last chance to tell Eddie how much he meant to him. He turns back to Christopher, holding him tight to his chest after he picks him up again. Chris lets himself drape over Buck, all his energy sapped. Buck feels his chest even out, asleep. 

Buck follows Abuela out to her car, carrying Chris all the way. He offers to drive Abuela home.

“Sweetheart, I couldn’t ask that of you.” Abuela pats his cheek.

Buck shakes his head. “Please. It’s really late, and I don’t want you to have to drive Christopher home like this. You were here for so long. I know you’re both tired and worried.”

Abuela sighs. “So are you.”

Buck shifts on his feet, looking away from Abuela before he swallows his pride and tells her, “I just want to feel like I’m helping him. The only way I can think to help him now is to take care of his family. Chris and you and Pepa. I already know I’m not going to be able to sleep tonight, so if you’re comfortable with it, I would really like to make sure you and Christopher get home safe.”

Abuela draws him into his arms, and Buck lets her hug him. Soaks in the maternal warmth and tries to not cry again for the millionth time that day. 

She lets him drive them home and he carries Christopher into her house, and gently puts him down into the bed in her guest room. It looks like yet another one of Christopher’s rooms more than a guest room at this point. Still, Buck wishes Christopher could’ve gone home to his house, his room, with his dad. 

He whispers a soft goodnight to Christopher and kisses his cheek. Once he closes the door, Abuela invites him to have something to drink but Buck turns it down.

“You’re sure I can’t offer you my other room?” Abuela asks.

He thanks her profusely, but turns it down again. “Can I ask one last thing of you?”

“Of course.”

“If he wakes up in the middle of the night for anything...if Chris needs anything or he…” Buck doesn’t even know how to get it out. “Anything. Please call me.”

Abuela’s face softens. “I will. If you let me ask something of you.”

“Anything.”

She smiles sadly. “Don’t stay at the hospital tonight. I know my grandson, and he would not want you waiting up all night for him. He would want you to go home and eat and sleep before going back in the morning.”

Buck wants to say no. He already had his phone out to call an uber back to the hospital. His plan _had_ been to stay there all night. In case there were any changes, he wanted to be there.

But Abuela was right and Buck knew it.

“Okay,” Buck says. She goes to the kitchen and then comes back, handing him several containers filled with tamales, chile verde and refried beans.

He gets his uber back to the hospital. Standing in front of the glass doors, he debates defying Abuela and marching through the doors, hunkering down in the same hard chair that he’d been in all day and waiting for Eddie.

The glass doors open and shut. Open and shut. 

Buck turns around, gets in his car and drives back to his apartment. It’s only once he allows his head to hit the pillows, with the lights out and the air quiet, that everything hits him all at once.

He cries himself to sleep, praying to everything in the fucking universe that Eddie will have come back by the time Buck wakes up.

*

Eddie doesn’t wake up. 

It’s been four days. Bobby allowed everyone the week off. They had more than enough people to cover their shifts for the time being, but Hen’s grimace when Bobby told them all that after a week he wouldn’t be able to keep them all off at the same time was one shared by the entire group.

Buck volunteered to drive Chris to and from school on alternate days with Abuela and Carla. When a week passed, and Eddie’s condition didn’t change, Carla offered to work overtime with them, but Buck shut her down.

“You have your own family to be with too,” Buck told her.

“I know, honey, but right now _your_ family is the one I’m worried about,” Carla said.

“I don’t want you to overwork yourself.”

“Buckaroo, I’ve heard that line from Eddie so many times and do you think I listened to him even once?” she asks. Buck sighs, shaking his head. She chuckles softly. “That’s right. So let me do this for the time being. I’ll take my two week vacation when your man wakes up.”

“He’s not--”

Carla gives him a look that shuts Buck down instantly. 

He sighs. “Okay. But I’m picking him up from school today. We’re going to go to the hospital after I get off my shift.”

When Buck wasn’t at work and Christopher wasn’t at school, the two of them spent most of their time in Eddie’s room. Sitting with him, updating him on everything that was happening while he was asleep. Chris updated him on school, and Buck about work. 

“It’s not the same without you,” Buck finds himself telling Eddie one night, when it’s late and Pepa was taking Christopher for the night. “You know, when you first started, you must’ve thought I hated your guts. And I kinda did. But not for the reasons everyone thinks.”

He shifts forward, grabbing Eddie’s hand like he’s let himself get used to doing freely. He rubs Eddie’s knuckles, massaging it, getting blood flow back into his muscles. 

“It wasn’t just that you were confident in your job, or that you fit in so well...and also that you were-- _are_ \--one of the sexiest men I’d ever seen,” Buck lets himself laugh. He hasn’t done much of that in a while. “I guess...you just made it all seem so easy. The Perfect Man right from the very beginning. And I was mad because I had to struggle to get Bobby to trust me--which was fair considering I broke it so often in those early months. But you...everyone took you seriously _instantly_. Everyone trusted your judgement, nobody ever second guessed a word you said. And me...I was the dumb meathead that no one could ever take seriously.”

Buck hates thinking about it, dwelling on it. The little comments people on his team would make, even people he didn’t work with often. People like Gilligan or Jacobson who sometimes substituted on their team, would laugh at remarks Chimney would make off hand, and all Buck could think was how could these people think so little of him if they hardly knew him? 

It killed Buck, to think about how sometimes the things Chimney and even Hen said sometimes actually hurt him. Chimney was his brother in law, the father of Buck’s niece, and Buck loved him. And Buck knew that Hen had a soft spot for him, and loved him just as much. But sometimes their words managed to penetrate the happy-go-lucky armor Buck shielded himself with, and managed to hit him right where it hurt.

“I guess I deserved it,” Buck says. “I was awful when I first started out. And seeing you come in with that smooth easy aura of yours just reminded me of everything I wasn’t. I was scared that Bobby would see how much better you were, and wonder why he even bothered giving me my job back in the first place.”

Eddie doesn’t move. His heartbeat remains the same steady beep on the monitor. They’ve removed the gauze from around his head and his hair is starting to grow back in the shaved patches. Eddie’s eyes move rapidly under his eyelids, the only movement he was making other than the steady up and down of his chest. It was these movements that Buck clung to.

“But you proved me wrong,” Buck starts again after being silent for a long while. If Eddie could hear him, he wondered if he thought Buck had left. “We pulled that grenade out of that man’s leg, and it was fucking amazing, and we didn’t die. And you said I could have your back any day. Even though I gave you no reason whatsoever to trust me, or even like me, you saw me. You looked at me and you saw me as someone valuable. Someone you wanted around. And any...animosity or envy I had of you just slipped away. I didn’t want to be you anymore...I just wanted to be by your side.”

Buck had cried so many tears this past week. Tears of desperation, tears of longing, tears of wishing and praying and begging. He didn’t know how much more he had left in him.

“So I’ll be by your side, Eddie,” Buck continues, swallowing back whatever emotions were threatening to spill out of him. “I’ll have your back through all of this. I’ll watch over Christopher and the rest of your family.”

He smooths his hand over Eddie’s cheek, letting it rest there.

“If you can hear me at all, just hear that.” 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So you may notice that I've added a tentative chapter count. This is the number of chapters that I believe will be in this fic, but the number may increase depending on how long the chapters get.
> 
> Anyway, here's chapter two! Enjoy!

Buck spends the entire weekend with Christopher at Eddie’s house. It’s strange and neither of them forget for a second that Eddie isn’t here with them. They watch movies, Chris tucked into his side, and they wait. Madde texts him constantly, and still there’s no updates about Eddie. Bobby comes by on Saturday and Hen offers to set Denny and Chris up on a playdate, but neither of them feel like it though they thank Hen for her thoughtfulness. 

That night Buck puts Chris to bed and reads him a chapter of _Island of the Blue Dolphins_. Neither of them are as enthusiastic about it as they normally are, but Buck still makes an effort to do the voices. 

“Hey Buck?” Chris asks just as they finish reading the chapter. It’s small and almost instantaneous, like it had been on Christopher’s mind for a while but he had been waiting for the best time to speak up. He was so much like Eddie in that way.

“Yeah, bud?”

“Can you stay with me?” Christopher asks.

“Of course I am,” Buck says. “I’ll sleep on the couch tonight.”

Chris hesitates for only just a moment. “No, I mean...can you stay here with me till Daddy wakes up?”

Buck sinks lower onto the bed, wrapping his arm around Chris. “What do you mean? You don’t like staying with Abuela? And Carla stays the night here with you sometimes too…”

Christopher shakes his head and says, “It’s not that...I just don’t like being without you if Daddy’s not here.”

Buck’s heart couldn’t take much more shattering. Truth be told Buck had been having a hard time sleeping at his own place without Eddie and Chris too. It made his skin itch, knowing Eddie still hadn’t woken up and Chris was sleeping somewhere worrying about Eddie too.

“Okay, Chris,” Buck nods, hugging Christopher close to him and feeling the younger boy shift to hold Buck’s side too. “I’ll stay here with you, okay? I’ll talk to Abuela and Carla too.”

Buck accidentally falls asleep in Chris’s room. He only realizes it when he falls off his bed in the middle of the night and lands with a thud. For a moment he forgets where he is, but when he sees Chris sleeping blissfully in his bed, he breathes a sigh of relief. Chris is still here. Alive. And Eddie is alive too.

Buck doesn’t get up to go to the couch. He doesn’t move from his spot. Instead he sits with his back to Chris’s bed frame and pulls out his phone. He shifts through his camera roll mindlessly for hours, letting the pictures of Chris and Eddie and all of them together at the park, at the museum, at Chris’s school functions, or at various team members houses for get togethers. 

He lingers on his favorite picture of the three of them. Hen had taken it for them when Carla dropped by with Chris to visit Eddie at work. Chris’s favorite part of the firehouse was always the sliding pole. He asked to go down it at least once every time he stopped by, which was often. This time, Bobby and Chim helped hoist Chris over the top of the pole and it was always Eddie and Buck’s designated job to catch him as he slid down. Had been since the very first time Chris stayed with the 118 for a day. Hen captured the three of them perfectly. 

He sets it as his background picture. He stares at it for a while, losing track of the time. At some point he must’ve fallen asleep again, because he’s woken up by a knock on the door and by Christopher’s soft palm on his face.

“Bucky?” Christopher giggles, and the sound of it somehow soothes the ache in Buck’s chest even if just for a moment. “You fell asleep on my floor!”

Buck gives Christopher a good morning hug and a kiss on the head and tells him to get ready while he answers the door. 

It’s Abuela who’s come by with food. They set it out for Chris and eat together. Abuela tells them she stopped by to see Eddie just before coming here today but there was no change. Soon after, Christopher goes to his room to draw.

“Buck, can I talk to you for a minute, honey?” Abuela asks, gesturing for him to sit down with her at the dining room table. He joins her and waits as she says, “I just wanted to let you know that I spoke with Eddie’s mother and father this morning.”

Buck takes a deep breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“They’re going to be flying here in the next couple of days,” Abuela tells him. “They’re not happy we let so much time go by without telling them what happened.”

Buck hadn’t actually known what they told Eddie’s parents. He hadn’t seen them since Eddie’s induction ceremony--and Shannon’s funeral. Buck knew that Eddie carefully censored what his parents knew about the tsunami and everything that happened involving Chris. 

When Buck had met Eddie’s parents, well...they hadn’t really paid all that much attention to Buck. Barely acknowledged his existence. They knew he was Eddie’s colleague, and he guessed by extension his friend, but they didn’t know just how involved Buck was within Eddie and Christopher’s lives. Buck didn’t know when he crossed the line between family friend into...something else. He didn’t even know how to describe it. 

Had Eddie ever mentioned Buck again to his parents? Buck didn’t even know if he wanted Eddie to have spoken about him, or if he preferred to be absent from the Diaz parents radar. From his first impression of them they were polite. They shook his hand. But they had been focused on Eddie and Christopher, as they should’ve been. But from what Eddie’s told him of them in the past it’s colored his perception of them.

On a slow evening, a few weeks after the well incident, Buck had been sitting on Eddie’s couch in this very house with Eddie sitting next to him. It was quiet, except for the rain on the roof and the windows. Buck remembers the quiet. He remembers watching Eddie struggle to put his thoughts together. He could read it on Eddie’s face, how hard he was working to formulate words to express what he wanted to say to Buck. So he sat and waited patiently.

_“I don’t ever ‘just wear’ my silver star because I don’t feel like I deserve it,” Eddie eventually says, thumb nails scraping along the plastic wrap of his beer bottle. “I mean, yeah, technically, I managed to drag my guys out of the helicopter and keep them hidden until the rescue convoy got there but…” he sighs. “I don’t know. It didn’t feel like enough. People still died. I...I contributed to people dying, in more ways than just one, and having that star handed to me just felt like a fuck you to everyone I killed--directly and indirectly.”_

_Buck shifts his leg so that his knee is pressed into Eddie’s. He aligns the side of his body with Eddie’s so he knows that Buck wasn’t going to leave him, wasn’t going to pull away from him._

_“I don’t feel like a hero but that fucking star follows me around everywhere. Like it’s taunting me. Sometimes…” Eddie swallows, “sometimes the star and the--the nightmares feel like comeuppance. Constant reminders that I abandoned my family and for what? More blood on my hands?”_

_Eddie’s hands are shaking now, so Buck grabs one, holding it tight, sliding his fingers in between Eddie’s. He doesn’t say a word. He knows Eddie needs to get this out. He holds Eddie as he quivers, counts the breaths he takes to calm himself down, to pull himself out of that place._

_“My mom and dad were so proud of that star. To them, it was something they could use to show people their son wasn’t a total failure.” Eddie scoffs, “At home, it was ‘Eddie go be a hero in the kitchen’, ‘Eddie go get a job but not_ too _many jobs’, ‘Eddie stop being so tired and take care of your son. Were you too tired to fight in Afghanistan?’”_

_Eddie pinches the nerve between his eyes. “They never actually thought of me as a hero. Neither did Shannon.”_

_It had been so long since Eddie had outright spoken about Shannon unprompted. Her death was still so raw to him._

_“She asked me to leave with her and Chris, a couple of days after I went home for good and I just couldn’t. My whole family was there, expecting me to show off and impress them all with war stories, and Shannon was upset because her mother got sick. I just needed some time to process everything, but everyone just wanted something out of me that I couldn’t give. I don’t blame Shannon for leaving. I don’t think I ever did. I used to think a lot about what our life would’ve been like if I agreed to move out to California the first time she asked. If everything could’ve been avoided.”_

_Eddie squeezes Buck’s hand._

_“But even after we reconciled, even after the pregnancy scare and me asking her to be a real family again, she still wanted a divorce. For us to be separated for good. And then she died, and all I could think about was my parents were right. I brought Chris out here because I had it in the back of my mind that if we were just_ near _Shannon somehow things would mend themselves. I let Shannon back into Christopher’s life because he deserved to have his mom, and I don’t regret that. I just regret that I let myself think she wanted me too.” Eddie’s eyes flicker up shyly to Buck, something heavy lingering there._

_“When she died, it broke Christopher’s heart. And all my parents could say was this is why I never should’ve left Texas, but I knew what they really meant. I ignored them when they said they wanted to have full custody of Christopher, I ignored them when they said all I would do is drag Christopher down with me--”_

_“That’s not true.” It’s the first thing Buck has said since Eddie’s started talking, and it makes Eddie’s head snap up, his eyes watery. Buck’s frown settles harder into his face upon seeing that look. “Don’t you ever say that again, Eddie. From the second I met you I have done nothing but watch you love your son with everything you have. You’ve worked your ass off to provide a good life for him but more than that you’re_ there _for him. Do you know how many fathers can say that and actually mean it? How many children out there would_ kill _for parents who loved and cared for them like you do for Chris? Chris is the best kid I know, and yes, some of that is just because he’s just an amazing kid on his own, but the rest of it? That’s you. That’s because you fought for him, and you came back for him. You foster that light he has inside, and you remind him every day that even though he may have lost his mother, he has never lost her love. That little boy is lucky to have you, just like you’re lucky to have him, and I will not sit here and let you belittle yourself like this.”_

_Eddie sits there, mouth open like he wants to say something, but instead clips it shut. His chin pulls in, a barely there quiver. It reminds Buck of the last time he interrupted Eddie when he was trying to dismiss him. When he apologized about the lawsuit. They never spoke about the lawsuit much, but Buck hadn’t forgotten the way Eddie looked at him when he insisted he should’ve been there for him and Chris. It was like Eddie never expected anyone to want to take responsibility for them. Like Eddie was so used to being his only advocate. Well not anymore._

_There’s a roll of thunder from outside, and it’s only the blink of Eddie’s eyes that shows either of them noticed._

_Buck doesn’t know how long they look at each other. Eddie’s voice cracks and he clears his throat. “It’s not just us. We’re lucky to have you too.”_

_That hadn’t been what Buck expected to hear. His heartbeat skyrockets and his stomach erupts with some sort of warm anxious feeling. He’s not used to people saying things like that to him. Especially not Eddie. Eddie preferred to express his gratitude in actions. It took a long time for Buck to get used to it, but over the years he’s figured it out. Eddie says thank you by inviting him. Eddie says thank you by sitting with their knees touching, with his hands squeezing Buck’s shoulders, thumbs stroking his pulse. Eddie says I appreciate you by asking Buck’s opinion involving most decisions he makes about Chris. Eddie says I want you to stay by pulling out the pillows and blankets before Buck could even get up to leave._

_This whole night was unusual for Eddie. He never spoke about his feelings unless coerced--it was why Buck had been so hesitant to respond to anything he said. He just wanted Eddie to get it all out before he retreated back into his shell._

_Eddie felt lucky to have Buck. Eddie felt his son was lucky to have Buck. He didn’t want to cry, but he could feel it building up in his chest, clogging his throat. Just hearing those words from Eddie meant more to Buck than he could ever express._

_It was nights like these, nights where they spoke to each other, confided in each other when they couldn’t confide in anyone else, that Eddie showed how much he wanted Buck around. It was Eddie gradually ‘forgetting’ to put out the extra sheets and pillows for Buck to sleep on the couch and instead letting the two of them fall asleep on the couch before waking up randomly at 3am, Eddie dragging Buck back to his room to sleep on his bed because it was too late to argue and they both needed sleep before work. They would fall back asleep too quickly to even question the new routine. Their new normal._

“Buck?” Abuela asks, pulling Buck out of his deep thoughts. 

“Are they staying here?” Buck asks.

“It’s very likely,” Abuela says. “I offered for them to stay with me, but I doubt they will want to be away from Christopher for very long.”

“He uh--” Buck cleared his throat. How was he going to breach the topic of what he and Christopher had talked about to her. “Christopher asked me to stay with him. I know all of this has been the hardest on him, especially after Shannon and the tsunami. I know he’s perfectly alright with you and Pepa and Carla but--”

“Honey, I understand completely,” she squeezes his hand again. “You’ve become family to Christopher and to Eddie. Christopher needs you in his life now more than ever.”

Buck truly doesn’t deserve how accepted he was within the Diaz family. 

“I’ll have dinner with you tonight and you two can come by Pepa’s tomorrow."

Buck agrees quietly. 

That afternoon Buck takes Christopher to the park. At first he wasn't sure how good an idea it was, but as soon as they got there Christopher had spotted some of his friends from around the neighborhood and became thoroughly distracted. Buck clings to the image of Christopher's smiling face, relieved that the little boy still had it in him to feel happy even in the briefest moments.

Buck sits on their usual bench. Alone. Normally, Eddie would be sitting right beside him. They'd talk about calls or about Chris, or about whatever show they were binging at the time. Buck had never really taken Chris to the park by himself before. Sometimes he wonders if his hesitancy to watch Chris alone was a lingering fear left over from the tsunami. If they were left alone at Eddie's house or Buck's apartment to hang out while Eddie had errands to run he was completely fine but out in public? Buck tended to need Eddie there too, somehow still not trusting himself fully to keep Chris safe outside of their most trusted environments. 

Not for the first time he thought he would give anything to have Eddie with him here. 

A woman with a stroller and a red wagon walks up to Buck. Looking up, Buck notices it's one of Eddie's neighbors. They've talked to her--Bernice he thinks--and her husband a few times while they'd all been watching their kids play.

"Buck, long time no see!" Bernice smiles. "It's been a while since you guys have brought Chris to come out, huh? Jamie was just asking me the other day to set up a playdate for him and Chris but Eddie hasn't been responding. Though I completely understand with the workload you two have!" She keeps talking on, completely unaware of how silent and still Buck has gone. "Anyway, have Eddie give me a call and we can make a whole day of it."

She eventually trails off, waiting for a response. Buck stares at the grass.

"I'm sorry Bernice," he rubs the back of his head. "Things have been...a little disruptive at home so Eddie couldn't respond. But yes, I know Christopher misses playing with Jamie."

She sits down next to him. "Is everything alright?"

Buck _really_ doesn't want to talk about it.

"Yeah just…" Buck pauses, an idea popping into his head. "I can give you my number. We can set up a playdate for them soon. I think it would be good for Christopher."

"Oh, that's so sweet." They exchange numbers. "You know, it's been so nice having you around."

Buck frowns in confusion. "What do you mean?" He wasn't around that much. Only knew Bernice from talking to her once or twice when he last came here with Eddie and Chris.

"It just always used to be Eddie out here by himself, sitting exactly where you are now. I'll admit he's a tough nut to crack--definitely not a Chatty Kathy, but then you came along and that darling little boy now has two doting fathers and Eddie's got himself a loving husband that completely busted him out of his shell. It's a miracle!"

Buck is floored. Bernice thought that _Buck_ was...Eddie's husband and Christopher's father? Had she said any of this to Eddie before? And if she had, how did Eddie react? Did he smile and brush it off? Did he think the idea was weird and uncomfortable? Did he correct her or did he laugh and say thank you and let her continue believing it? Bernice had never said as much to Eddie when Buck was around but what about when he wasn't? Surely if she still thought he was, then Eddie hadn't corrected her. But...why wouldn't Eddie correct her? Was it for the same reason Buck didn't want to correct the elf?

Just then Bernice gets a call from her husband and stands up, announcing it was time for her and Jamie to go home. She promised to text Buck and set up that play date real soon.

It's only once she's completely gone that Buck realizes--he never corrected her either. He just let her go on believing he was Eddie's husband and Christopher's father. Why did he feel so guilty about it? Was it because he was lying and if it got back to Eddie it could spell disaster? Or was it really because Buck _wanted_ her to view him as exactly that. His hands shook at the implications.

Christopher runs over. "I'm hungry now, Bucky."

Buck hands him a water bottle and helps him chug most of it down, spilling some down the front of his shirt before wiping his mouth with the back of Buck's sleeve.

"You want to head home for lunch, or go out?"

"Out!" Chris cheered.

Buck laughs. He knew Chris would pick that option. What kid wouldn't?

"Hmm, there's a good sandwich shop around the corner. You want to go there?"

Chris agrees right away and the two of them set off. Buck doesn't take his eyes off Chris the whole time until they get home and even then he doesn't let himself leave Christopher alone for more than five minutes.

They go to visit Eddie for a bit before they're supposed to go home and have dinner with Abuela.

Eddie still doesn't wake up. His eyes shut, breathing steady, mind completely dead to the world.


	3. Chapter 3

Eddie dreams.

Sometimes Eddie feels himself float up and up towards consciousness. Sometimes he even feels himself lingering at the top of his body, so close to completely breaking through before just...slowly sinking down back into the darkness of his mind. 

And he dreams.

Not all of them make sense. Sometimes they do, in a dream sort of way, where logic bends to the laws of the dream, not to the laws of physics. 

Sometimes he hears himself speak in these dreams. Sometimes he hears other people talking to him. Faceless mirages. He knows them by a feeling. He can't recall their names or who they are, but he can feel them. Close to him. He can feel their body heat. Sometimes he can smell distinct or strong odors--coffee and something like antiseptic. 

At the center of it all, he feels heavy. Everything he is feels heavy. He doesn’t know if it's the weight of his body or just the weight of whatever it is that's rattling around inside of him. His spirit? His consciousness? He doesn't know. It's just _something_ and it weighs him down. Keeps him from opening his eyes.

Sometimes he's aware he's dreaming. He sees faces in those dreams. He talks to people in those dreams. Sometimes they even talk back.

His eyes are open and he's dreaming, but even the person he is in his dreams wants to shut his eyes. His eyelids fight to stay open--like he was trapped underneath the rough downpour of a waterfall, pinning him to the ground and no matter how hard he pushed to stand up, the water kept him firmly trapped. He has an image of a little boy in a burning house. Hauling him into an empty bathtub to shield him with his body. And then the pressure of the water dropping down on top of them. He remembers he rushed in to save that little boy because he reminded him of someone.

It’s the first clear face Eddie sees in his dreams. Freckled nose and slanted green eyes covered by red glasses. Curly brown hair and cherub red cheeks. It’s Christopher. And from that moment on, the little boy in his dreams--Christopher, follows him everywhere. Sometimes Eddie finds himself surrounded by sand, hills that look like mountains. He’s alone with the sun shining on him. The heat is heavy, bogged down by the weight of his uniform. He’s completely alone in the desert, except for Christopher, who appears over the head of a sand dune and slides down the sand, until Eddie can rush forward and scoop him up.

What was Christopher doing here? Why was he in this desert? Why was _Eddie_ here in this desert?

Something in the back of his mind tells him he can’t put Christopher down. His crutches are nowhere to be seen, but regardless, if he had them they would sink into the sand anyway. Eddie looks around. There’s nowhere to run. There’s no helicopter--he doesn’t know why he was expecting one--there’s no buildings. No cars. Nothing but sand and the scorching sun, and Eddie and his boy.

And water. From a distance, Eddie sees it rising over the hills. A wall of water, rising and rising until it covers the sun. It never crashes, but Eddie knows in his mind that it’s going to at any moment. So he runs. He turns around and sprints with Christopher in his arms, but the sand is dragging him down. There’s no traction for him to pick up, he keeps losing his footing, sinking into the sand, the weight of Christopher in his arms pushing him downwards. The wave is still coming, he sees it behind him even without turning around. 

He’s running in slow motion. The sand morphs into hands, pulling at his boots, tripping him up and dragging him farther and farther until he’s crawling on his knees. 

He turns around to face the sun, just as the wave barrels into him and Christopher. 

He drifts for a little while. He’s underwater, but he’s breathing. In the back of his mind, a childlike question emerges. What if he suddenly sprouted gills like a fish, and that’s why he could breathe underwater? But just because he could breathe, didn’t mean Christopher could. 

Eddie tries to open his eyes under the water, but he can’t. And yet he can still see that Christopher is nowhere near him. He can’t find him anywhere. He’s out in open water, and there’s nothing around him anymore. No fish, no debris. Nothing. 

_Eddie!_ He hears his name being called. No, screamed with desperation. He swims, if he could call it swimming. He pushes himself towards the voice. Echoing from somewhere--everywhere. The water towards the surface is calm, he can see it. It’s crystal clear without any ripples or waves. And he sees a face. He knows this face. His blue eyes almost blend in with the water, but the pink birthmark encasing them sticks out like a beacon of hope. Eddie knows him. And he’s no longer afraid of drowning. He just has to keep swimming towards the man above the water.

The man sticks his hand past the surface, fingers outstretched, begging for him to latch on so he can pull him out. Eddie sees Christopher’s face emerge right beside the beautiful man’s. Chris was safe. He saved him. His heart soars, feeling light again. 

Buck. This was Buck. Buck saved Christopher and he was going to save Eddie too. He was going to pull him from the water. 

Eddie was so close. He was mere feet from Buck’s fingers, inches now. He’s close enough he can make out the shimmer of blonde hair, the warm stretch of his smile.

Eddie grabs Buck’s hand. Something grabs Eddie’s leg.

And just like that, Eddie is being pulled beneath the water again, but this time he drags Buck down with him.

*

Eddie’s parents are flying in today. Buck made a deal with Abuela that she would pick up Chris from school that afternoon, and take him with her to pick up Eddie’s parents from the airport. He would then meet everyone at Abuela’s house that evening for dinner. 

Until then, he was at the station. He was set to end his 24 hour shift around 6pm and they still had a few more hours left of being on-call. Hen and Chim were watching TV upstairs, and Buck had been sitting with them for a while, but soon, he began to feel unsettled. He didn’t know why. He had hung out with just Hen and Chim on these couches for almost a year before any of them ever even knew Eddie. And there were sometimes days where their schedules weren’t aligned, and Eddie had days off when Buck was working or vice versa. He had endured being in the station without Eddie before, so why now did it feel like there was a ghost haunting the whole of the 118. He hated himself for even thinking that way. Eddie wasn’t dead. He was just asleep. He would wake up, and being here wouldn’t feel so claustrophobic anymore.

He stood up and went down to the gym with the hope that the burn of lifting some weights would take his mind off how anxious he was. He didn’t want to be sitting around the firehouse killing time. He wanted to either be outside saving people or sitting with Eddie or being with Christopher. He felt like he was wasting precious time. Being useless, just lifting weights. He shifts over to the treadmill and turns it up as far as he could reasonably go until he feels completely out of air, his legs jelly. He sinks over, hands on his knees and breathes. All he wants is just one moment where his entire body doesn’t feel like lead and his mind like static. 

The bell rings. _Thank the lord_. He and the rest of the team rush off to the trucks and pull out of the station. 

*

The last call takes the rest of the time Buck had left on his shift. He showers, changes and packs up to get ready to leave. He spots Hen in his path right as he’s about to leave and she puts a hand on his shoulder.

“You okay there, Buck?” she asks.

“Yeah,” Buck answers. “Last call just took a lot out of me.”

She nods. “I get that. But you’ve had this sunken look on your face the whole day. Did something happen? With Chris or Eddie?”

She’s worried, he knows she is. And he knows she cares. He hadn’t told anyone else on the team that Eddie’s parents were coming to town. He thought surely they would have assumed at some point they would. Unlike Buck’s parents, who never showed up for their kids whether it be near death or birth, Eddie’s parents tended to fly out whenever anything big happened and so far they hadn’t.

Buck sighs. “Eddie’s parents are here. I’m going to go have dinner with them and Chris at Eddie’s abuela’s house.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” Buck scratches his neck. “I’m anticipating that it’s going to be awkward at best and tense at worst.”

“I don’t remember Eddie’s parents being difficult last time they were here,” Hen muses to herself. 

“That’s because Eddie didn’t want us to see it.”

Hen nods, like it makes sense. Shrugging, she says, “They’re his parents.”

Buck doesn’t know what else to say. He feels awkward with the rest of his team now and it’s tearing him apart. He didn’t want to walk on eggshells around everyone, he just wanted things to go back to the way they were.

But who was he kidding. When was anything at this station easy?

“Call me if you need anything, Buck, okay?” Hen asks. “Or call Maddie. I know you love Eddie and that little boy like he was your own”--Buck flinches and hope she doesn’t comment on it-- “but you also gotta take care of yourself right now too.”

The only way Buck can even think of taking care of himself is by taking care of Chris.

Hen sighs. “Eddie pushed himself so hard to be the sole provider of everything for Christopher and look where it put him mentally.”

“He’s a good father,” Buck says weakly.

“No one ever said he wasn’t,” Hen continues. “But did you ever notice that Eddie was happier--lighter--when he had you to help him? When he wasn’t the only one taking on the weight of the world?”

Buck shakes his head. “That’s why I have to do this for him, Hen. I owe it to him to take the best care of Christopher that I can while he can’t.”

“But you don’t have to do it alone is all I’m saying,” Hen says. She purses her lips. “Maybe Eddie’s parents will stay here for a while, you know? Help you and Carla and Eddie’s abuela take care of him.”

“Maybe. I’m just worried,” Buck says. “Eddie doesn’t have the best relationship with them but…”

“They’re his parents,” they both end up saying at the same time.

And if they wanted, they could take Christopher and Eddie out of Buck’s life just as easy as they had come in. 

*

Buck stood outside of Abuela’s doorway for almost fifteen minutes before the door swung open and a man Buck recognized as Eddie’s father nearly collided with him.

“Oh!” he said. “Sorry, I-- can I help you?”

Eddie’s father--Ramon as Buck recalled--looked at him like he didn’t recognize him. There was a trash bag in his hand, obviously taking it out for abuela. 

“Hi, sir. I’m Buck. U-uh Evan. Buckley. I work with Eddie,” Buck supplies unhelpfully. 

Recognition finally seems to dawn on Ramon and he reaches out a hand to Buck. “Right! I remember you from Eddie’s induction ceremony.”

Buck gives him a polite smile. "Yes, that's me."

"What brings you here, Buck?"

Buck is about to answer when Christopher comes barreling towards him. 

"Bucky!"

"Buddy!"

Christopher rushes right past his grandfather and propels himself into Buck's arms. Buck holds him close, brushing a hand through his hair.

"I missed you!" Christopher says.

Buck pulls away, holding Christopher's shoulders. "It was a long shift, I know. But I'm here now. How was the book report today?"

"Good. Ms. Flores said she liked my use of metaphors, and she liked that I chose _Flowers for Algernon._ "

"Honey, who's at the door?" Eddie's mother walks up, followed closely by Abuela.

"Buck! Come in come in. Why are you just waiting out here? Dinner is just about ready," Abuela comes out, reaching for Buck and kissing his cheek, hugging his shoulders. 

"Isabel," Eddie's mom starts to say, but Abuela and Christopher both drag him inside.

Before Buck knows it, he's sat at Abuela’s dining room table, with Christopher sat next to Helena, who's across from Buck, and Ramon at the head of the table. Abuela sits on Buck's right. 

Abuela puts food on Buck's plate and chides him to eat more once he's finished that. She does the same with Christopher. Helena sits in silence, watching them act like they usually did, had been for a while now. 

"So, Buck…" Helena starts. "Buck, is it?" She continues without waiting for a reply. "How long have you been a firefighter?"

"This would be my fourth year now," Buck answers. It's the longest job he's ever had. "I started about a year before Eddie."

Ramon hums, impressed. 

Neither of them ask him any more questions. It's quiet. The tension starts to set in.

Chris says, "We visited Daddy this afternoon.”

Ramon sighs. “Still no change. How can these doctors just say they don’t know when he will get better? That is their job.”

“Honey--”

“Ramon…” Abuela says.

“It’s been nearly three weeks now and there’s been no change,” Ramon sets his fork down hard. 

“If we had been told earlier…” Helena murmurs.

“Helena, you know we called you as soon as we could. We just didn’t want to worry you both if Eddie woke up,” Abuela says.

“You mean like when Eddie didn’t call us when the tsunami happened?” Helena asks. “Or when he was trapped underground?”

 _Oh god._

Buck just starts talking. “He wanted to call you, he just didn’t want to worry you needlessly when everything turned out okay.”

“I’m sorry if I don’t see how my son and grandson being scarred for life constitutes being okay.”

A hush sweeps over the entire room. Nobody eats, nobody speaks.

Buck hates this. He wishes Eddie were here, not for the first time, but he knew that even if he were, the entire situation would be even more on edge. Eddie’s parents could trigger him like no other. As a minute passes with no sound, Buck starts to feel grateful, this time actually for the first time, that Eddie wasn’t here. Spare Eddie the headache.

“You should’ve called us the first night,” Ramon insists finally. 

“May I be excused?” Christopher asks.

“Yes, honey, but you should go wash your hands and then get ready for a shower.”

“I took one this morning, grandma.”

“Okay then just...have you completed your homework?” Helena asks.

“I still have my science project that’s due in two weeks,” Chris says, then turns to Buck. “You’ll help me right, Bucky?”

“Of course,” Buck answers immediately. Chris’s face lights up. Buck looks back at Helena and Ramon, their faces blank but not happy either. “But maybe not tonight okay? I’ll help you this coming weekend. Why don’t you work on your math homework. You remember the worksheets Mr. Nguyen assigned you guys to study for your chapter test on Friday?”

Chris grumbles, “Long division is hard.”

“If you have any questions, I’ll help you tomorrow afternoon okay? It’s my day to pick you up.”

“Yay!” Christopher comes forward, hugging Buck, before he picks up his backpack and heads to the room he uses at Abuela’s.

With Chris gone, it was like the only buffer in the room was gone. Now whatever it was that Helena and Ramon were holding back, there was nothing to stop them. Abuela stands up.

“I’m going to make us some coffee,” she says. “It’s been a long day for everyone.”

When Abuela steps out of the room, Helena and Ramon’s eyes train on Buck. 

“Eddie’s doctor said he’s lucky to be alive,” Ramon starts quietly. “That he fractured his skull in multiple places in the fall and would’ve died had his partner not shielded him from the rest of the collapse and then carried him out. That was you.”

Buck nods silently. He hates thinking about that day now. How grey Eddie’s skin had been. Just how much blood had pooled onto the ground, had seeped into Buck’s uniform. He couldn’t scrub it out, now matter how many times he showered. 

“He should never have signed up for this job,” Helena mutters. “Ever since he came here, it’s been accident after accident. First with Shannon, and then with Christopher and now him. If he had _listened_ and come back to El Paso.”

“Mrs. Diaz,” Buck starts. “Look, I know that this job is dangerous. I know better than most, trust me--”

“You were crushed by that ladder truck, right?” Ramon asks. “There was a bombing.”

“Right. I’ve been hurt a lot on the job, but Eddie has always been there, by my side. He always had my back, and it’s the reason why I’m still in one-piece right now. And that’s what I do for Eddie too. Or at least, I’ve done my best too. That’s what we promised. To always have each other’s back.”

Helena eyes him, searching his face. Buck wonders what exactly she was looking for out of him.

“Do you think he’s going to wake up?” she finally asks. “You saw how bad it was. You were there when it happened.”

Buck swallows. That’s the question he’s been asking himself for the past few weeks. As much as he’s tried not to think about it, he does. He thinks about that day. The floor collapsing underneath them, Eddie falling and cracking his head against the concrete so hard Buck could hear it over the flames. He remembers how easy it was for him to jump down, landing on his bad leg but feeling no pain, thrusting his body over Eddie’s just as the floor above them completely collapsed. Somehow no sharp debris pierced them, and they didn’t get buried. Buck was able to push the beams off his back, and he was able to radio to Bobby that the second floor had collapsed and he was coming out with an injured Eddie. He remembers desperately trying not to panic. He remembered the last time he lost it on a scene with Eddie in danger and how unhelpful he had been. He wouldn’t be useless this time. He would save Eddie.

But it wasn’t enough. Even with Eddie in the ICU, even with him coming successfully out of his surgeries, he hadn’t woken up. It was a very real possibility that he may never wake up. It was a possibility he could pass in his sleep if his organs decided to shut down, or if his brain hemorrhaged. The truth of it was Eddie could die at any moment, and none of them could do anything about it.

And Buck was left in a state of limbo. What was he supposed to do? Mourn Eddie or hope that he would wake up? He wanted to do the latter, but so far, it had felt like all he had been doing was mourning him. Like he was somehow preparing himself for the worst. Because that’s just how things went for Buck. His parents didn’t care enough to ask Buck to stay. No one who ever thought Buck attractive or slept with him ever wanted to get to know him beyond that. The first woman he’d ever really been in love with had left him. The woman he could see himself falling in love with, that he hoped he would fall in love with, couldn’t take his job, couldn’t take who he was. And Maddie, who had left him twice, and then came back, had her own family to think about. Who did Buck have? 

For a while, he had let himself believe he had Eddie and Christopher. He let himself believe that they were his family in a way that was different from the rest of the 118. That was different from Maddie. Because while he could come over for dinner at Bobby and Athena’s house with their kids, and while he could babysit his niece for the afternoon, at the end of the day, he had to go home. And they went back to their people. For a long time, Buck hadn’t known who he belonged to. Or if he would ever belong to anyone.

But being with Eddie and Chris over the years...they began to feel like _his_. Buck hadn’t dated anyone since Ali. It had been over two years. Eddie hadn’t been with anyone since Shannon, except for the one date he went on with Christopher’s teacher before telling Buck that he didn’t see it working out. Since then, it had always been Buck and Eddie and Chris. They were a family. Whenever they were invited to the barbecues, or the baby showers, or the parties, it was always Buck & Eddie & Chris. For a while, Buck felt like there was no separating them anymore. They were already in too deep. They were it for Buck. These were his boys. And he felt invincible.

He should’ve known that everyone left him eventually. Even if it was involuntary. 

“I don’t know,” Buck finally answers, voice cracking. “I hope so. But I don’t know.”

Neither of them look happy with that answer. Buck wasn’t happy with it either. He wanted to feel it. He wanted to feel the hope. He wanted to be as certain as Chris that his dad was coming back. 

“But I do know that Eddie always fights to come to his family,” Buck finally says. “I know he’s fighting like hell right now. He wouldn’t want any of us to give up, no matter how hopeless it looked. He loves Christopher too much to give up so easily.”

Helena smiles, if you could call it a smile. Rather, it’s a half mouth shrug. 

“Let’s hope that’s enough,” she says. 

Abuela comes back in with coffee. She sets the mugs down in front of the couple and then hands one to Buck.

“I’m okay, abuela, really,” Buck tries.

“Nonsense,” she pats his cheek, shoving the mug into his hands. “I know you, boy. You’re just like Eddie. You never admit when you’re bone tired, you just keep going and going. But not on my watch. Drink up, honey _._ ”

Buck takes a sip. It’s sweet and creamy like how Buck likes it. His eyes burn, and he suddenly wants to cry really badly. Over the years Buck and Eddie had grown to learn each other’s food and drink preferences just from the sheer amount of exposure, but abuela? How could she know him so well too? 

“So, Ramon, Helena, how long are you planning to stay?” Abuela asks. Buck silently thanks her. He had been wanting to know too, but couldn’t think of any polite way to come out and ask.

“We don’t know,” Ramon answers. 

“It really depends on what happens with Eddie,” Helena starts. “If he wakes up soon, that’s one thing. We would want to stay here with Christopher until he does.”

“But…” Ramon starts slowly. “If Eddie doesn’t…”

Buck seizes up. 

He doesn’t continue. It’s almost worse than if he had finished the sentence. 

“Let’s not think about that right now,” Abuela says. “‘Right now, we just have to be here for Eddito and Christopher.”

Eddie’s parents agree, but the unsaid hangs in the air. 

If Eddie doesn’t wake up, they’ll take Christopher with them back to Texas.

*

Buck stops in to say goodnight to Christopher before he leaves.

“But...aren’t you coming home with us?” Christopher asks, tears starting to form in his eyes.

“Hey,” Buck sits down on the floor in front of him. “It’s just for tonight okay? Your grandparents are going to take you back to your house so you can sleep in your own bed, and they will take the guest room.”

“But I want you to stay too.”

Buck wants that too. There’s nothing else he wants more at that moment. 

“I have to go home tonight. Carla will take you to school tomorrow morning, and I’ll pick you up tomorrow afternoon, okay? We’ll go visit Eddie all together.”

Christopher jumps forward and wraps his arms around Buck’s neck. Buck hugs him long and hard, before they both hear a knock at the door of the open room. It’s Helena.

“Alright, Christopher, it’s time to go.”

If anything, Christopher’s arms tighten around Buck’s neck even tighter. He hears rapid sniffles by his ear.

“Chris…”

Buck picks Christopher up. “Come on, buddy. Don’t you want to sleep in your bed? Sleep with dory?”

Christopher shakes his head. “I want you to come with us.”

Buck looks over his shoulder back at Helena, her face twisted into something unpleasant. 

Christopher cries the whole time that Buck carries him out of abuela’s house. Sad, painful cries that crush each and every part of Buck’s soul. He buckles Christopher into the seat. Christopher only removes his arms when Buck is forced to pull them off of him. 

He takes Chris’s face in his hands. “Hey, listen to me, buddy, okay? I’m not going anywhere. I will see you tomorrow and everything will be okay? You hear me?”

Christopher nods, but he’s still crying. Buck wants to just say fuck it and take Christopher home himself, but he can’t when Helena and Ramon are watching him suspiciously from the front seats. 

“I love you, Bucky,” Christopher whispers wetly. 

Fuck, that does it. Tears spring to Buck’s eyes and he rapidly tries to blink them away. “I love you too, Chris.” He kisses Christopher’s head and then pulls away, closing the car door before he can give in to what he wants. 

Helena and Ramon pull out of abuela’s driveway and Buck walks down all the way to the end of the driveway to watch them go. The car turns left and then they’re gone.

*

Back at Eddie’s house, Christopher cries himself to sleep, clutching his stuffed Dory that Buck had gotten him for his birthday last year. Helena and Ramon sit on Eddie’s couch talking amongst themselves.

The air is still. Their eyes wander around the house. Helena tuts at the video game consoles lining the bottom of the entertainment system holding up the TV. The rows and rows of video games and movies that weren’t suitable for children.

Helena walks into the kitchen and looks around, opening the fridge and noticing there were hardly any fruits or vegetables. 

Back in the living room, Ramon eyes the picture on the stand by the door. It’s one of Eddie, Chris and Buck at the zoo. The last time they had visited, the picture by the door was one of Christopher and Shannon at the beach. 

In the bathroom, Helena had helped Christopher get ready for bed, and saw three toothbrushes in the carrier. When Helena had handed Christopher the toothpaste, he stopped her, informing her the baking soda toothpaste was Buck’s, and that Chris and Eddie used the mint one because it tasted better.

Helena and Ramon enter the guest bedroom, putting their stuff away in drawers that look recently emptied. 

“You don’t think it’s strange?” Helena asks eventually. 

“What’s strange?”

“That this man...Buck...is suddenly _everywhere_ in their lives. In Christopher’s life?”

Ramon crosses his arms. “Eddie hardly mentioned Buck. I think I’ve only heard about him once or twice in the whole time Eddie has been living here, and one of them was just when we were being introduced at his ceremony.”

“It just doesn’t sit right with me,” Helena says. “He’s not family...and yet Christopher and even your mother treat him like he is. It worries me.”

“What are you saying?” 

She sighs, “You don’t think that Eddie and this man…?”

She flicks her hand, waiting for Ramon to pick up what she’s putting down.

Ramon splutters, scoffing, “Of course not. He’s just now getting over Shannon, his _wife_. And he’s a man. Eddie would never do such a thing.”

“His things are _everywhere_ , Ramon. Christopher practically begged me to use my phone to call him before he went to bed.”

That makes Ramon pause.

“He did?”

Helena sighs, sitting on the edge of the bed. “I just think it’s best that Christopher be with _family_ right now. Not with a home care aid or with Eddie’s coworkers. He should be with _us_.”

Ramon sits back on the bed. “Eddie keeps saying he has family here, mama and Pepa, but they are getting older. Neither of them really has the time or the means to take care of a young boy on their own.”

“I still can’t believe Eddie named your mom as sole custodian. He did it just to spite us.”

“I know,” Ramon says. “But you spoke with the lawyer. She said we had a good case to file for full custody.”

Helena nods. “Yes, but it shouldn’t have to come to this point in the first place. We never should’ve let him take Christopher out of Texas. Now he’s gone and put Christopher into this situation where he’s lost his mom _and_ his dad. I can’t believe we let him be this irresponsible.”

Ramon nods, patting Helena’s hands. “So we’re in agreement? We’ll stay another couple of weeks and if Eddie doesn’t wake up…”

“We’ll take Christopher home where he belongs.”


	4. Chapter 4

Buck couldn’t wait for this shift to be over. He only had a few more hours left and then he could get out of there. There were only ten minutes left on his shift, so even if another call rang out, the people on the next shift would be covering it. 

Quickly, Buck showers, washing off all the sweat for the day and gels his hair back. He’s anxious to get to Christopher this afternoon. He promised to pick him up, then swing by Eddie’s house to pick up his parents before heading to the hospital.

He barely stopped to say bye to the team, rushing out the door to get to the car.

Traffic to get to Christopher’s school isn’t so bad this afternoon. Usually when Buck tags along with Eddie to pick him up, or goes by himself, he parks and makes his way to stand in front of the multi-purpose room. When the bell rings there’s usually a wave of kids spilling out of the school, making their way towards the parking lot to get picked up, or towards the crosswalks to walk home. 

Buck waits in his usual spot, watching as the crowd of kids and parents start to slowly thin out. There’s no sign of Christopher. Buck tries not to worry. He knows it sometimes takes Christopher more time to walk from his classroom to the front of the school. Maybe he got held up talking to his teacher about an assignment. He waits a little bit longer, and the campus is nearly empty. It’s been almost 45 minutes since school let out and Buck descends into full panic mode.

He pulls out his phone as he jogs to the front office. He speed dials Carla who answers after only a moment.

_“Buck?”_

“Hey, did you pick up Chris today?”

_“Uh, no? We agreed you’d be picking him up today, right?”_

“Shit, okay.”

_“Buck? Is everything okay?”_

Buck makes it to the office, and immediately goes over to the woman at the desk.

“Excuse me, I’m supposed to be picking up Christopher Diaz today but I can’t find him,” he blurts to the woman. “Can you please check if he’s still in class, he has Mr. Sarchizian’s history class 7th period. O-Or let me know if someone else checked him out?”

“Can I please get your name and relation?” the secretary asks.

“Evan Buckley, I’m on the list.”

She begins typing his name but still asks again, “Relation?”

Buck doesn’t know what to answer. “I--uh…”

Something must pop up on her computer because she says, “Ah. Guardian.” 

Wait, Guardian? When--?

“Okay, according to our check-out records today, it seems Helena and Ramon Diaz checked Christopher out of school early today around 1:45pm. They’re listed under additional emergency contact as his grandparents. Were you not aware they were picking him up today?”

Buck takes a step back. “Oh. I, uh.” What is he supposed to say? They knew he was supposed to pick Christopher up today. Maybe they forgot? “I’m sorry. I must’ve forgotten.”

Buck walks away from the front office. He must’ve hung up on Carla accidentally because he sees another four missed calls from her. He picks up when he sees her contact flash across the screen again.

“Carla?” 

“ _Buckaroo, you better tell me what’s happening right now.”_

Buck swipes a hand down his face, settling into the front seat of his car.. “A-Apparently Christopher’s grandparents checked him out of school early today. I didn’t even know they could do that.”

_“Ah. Yes, technically anyone listed under emergency contact can pick Christopher up. At least from this school.”_

“Okay. I just didn’t know they were listed anywhere on Christopher’s forms.”

 _“Well, Eddie_ was _changing up a lot of paperwork recently. That might’ve been one of them_.”

Wait. “Do you think he changed my information to guardian?”

_“What?”_

That has to be it. Because Buck had always been listed before as a family friend and colleague. Never had he been referred to as Christopher’s guardian before. But, somehow, that was now the official title Christopher’s school recognized him as.

“The secretary called me his guardian,” Buck explains. 

_“Oh. Well that’s news to me,”_ Carla laughs. “ _Honey, I would try giving them a call.”_

“I don’t have their numbers.”

_“Then call his abuela. Surely she knows where they are.”_

Buck leans against the dash, burying his face in his hands. “Carla...what if...what if Eddie doesn’t wake up and…”

 _“Baby, you can’t stress about that kind of thing right now. At this moment, Eddie needs you to not give up on him. If…”_ She trails off. “ _We’ll cross that bridge if we come to it, okay?”_

Buck doesn’t want to say it but it’s just there, floating at the front of his mind. What if they’re already on the precipice of crossing that bridge. Except it’s not going to be as simple as walking across it. Buck feels like he’s hanging off the edge of a crumbling bridge, waiting for someone to pull him up.

*

Buck does end up calling abuela, who calls Eddie’s parents and finds out that they’re at the hospital visiting Eddie, just as they initially planned to do with Buck.

He makes it there in relatively good time, and makes his way back to Eddie’s room.

Just as he’s about to open the door, Eddie’s mother steps out. Upon seeing him, the corners of her mouth turn down and instead of greeting him and ushering him inside--or even offering him an explanation as to why they took Christopher out of school without bothering to mention it to him--she closes the door firmly behind her and stands in front of it like a guard.

She doesn’t say anything for a moment, so Buck takes the first step.

“Hi Mrs. Diaz, sorry I’m late. Uh. I mean, I didn’t know that you guys were wanting to visit Eddie earlier in the day, I didn’t realize you went to pick him up.”

“Yes, we wanted to have some time with Eddie and Chris. Just family time,” Helena says as an explanation. No, sorry for worrying you. No, we should’ve called you and notified you of our change of plans so you didn’t freak out and think Christopher had been kidnapped.

Buck schools his face, trying his hardest not to let the irritation--or the hurt--shine too obviously like his emotions usually did.

“Right. Okay, yeah, I understand. If I could just say goodbye to Christopher, let him know I stopped by so he doesn’t worry--”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Helena says, crossing her arms. 

Buck blinks, taking a step back. “Um…?”

What does she mean she doesn’t think him saying goodbye to Christopher is a good idea? It--he-all he wanted to do was make sure Chris was okay, that’s all.

“Listen. _Buck_. My family is going through an extremely rough time right now. The truth of the matter is that Christopher needs to be around family right now. Not--”

 _Not me_.

Buck feels something like acid rising from his stomach. He can’t even find the words to speak, he just takes a step back, staring at the woman in front of him. Her eyes are distrustful. He’s never really had anybody look at him like that before. Like he was someone...threatening.

“We’re going to be here for the next couple of weeks. During that time, we will be primarily taking care of Christopher. Eddie’s abuela is pushing 85 years old, she doesn’t have the means or the ability to take care of Christopher full time. And we will be relieving Carla. We don’t require her services at this time.”

Buck’s eyes widened at that. “But--”

“We’re going to take Christopher out of school for this week. Give everybody some time to…”

 _Mourn_. It’s unspoken.

“If he doesn’t wake up within the next two weeks then we’ll be taking him back with us to Texas.”

 _What?!_ No, no, no _nononono--_

Helena continues, despite the look of pure panic on Buck’s face. “Really, we should be putting in a transfer request to move Eddie to a hospital in El Paso, but his doctor thinks it’s best if we don’t move him.”

No no _NO,_ this can’t be happening. “Christopher should be here, where Eddie is. He needs to be in school--”

“Don’t you tell me where _my_ grandson should be,” Helena snaps. “I know what’s best for my family.”

Buck’s mouth snaps shut. 

The door behind Helena cracks open and Ramon steps out. His arms crossed, he asks, “Everything alright here?”

“Fine,” Helena says. “Buck was just on his way out.”

Buck looks past them, straining to see if he could see Chris or Eddie through the window, but the blinds are pulled shut. 

Ramon and Helena are a unified stance in front of the door. There’s no way he could get past them, and even if tried, it would be only a matter of seconds before a scene commenced and he’d be kicked out. Buck couldn’t afford to get banned from visiting Eddie. He couldn’t risk them having any reason to not let him see Chris.

So he takes a step back, pain flaring up inside him with each step he takes, and he leaves.

*

At home, Buck calls Carla and tells her what happened. He owes it to her to at least let her know what was happening and what Eddie’s parents said. 

“Carla, I just don’t understand,” Buck sits with his laptop in front of him. He’s been googling custody and guardianship and visitation rights all evening. “Eddie named Abuela as the custodian if anything happened to him; he told me that himself. How can they just override that?”

_“Well, if they have probable cause to think that the named custodian isn’t capable of taking care of him, they can contest for full rights. And the courts will likely take their side. They’re his grandparents, a relatively young couple, double incomes with a home of their own.”_

“Yeah, but they live all the way back in Texas!” Buck argues. “Christopher’s school is here, his life is here--” _Eddie’s here_ “--they can’t just uproot him from his life like that.”

 _“Orphaned children have been sent farther across the country than Texas before. They make new lives.”_ Buck almost throws up at that word. Orphan. Chris is _not_ an orphan. Buck can’t let himself think like that. Carla’s voice is soft and understanding, but Buck hates the undercurrent of _finality_ that’s there. Like this was a losing battle from the start. 

“B-But--”

_“Buck...I know you love that little boy, and I know you’re loyal to Eddie to the end but…”_

Don’t say it.

_“What’s so wrong about Christopher going to live with his grandparents?”_

Buck crumbles, back hunched forward as his elbows hit his knees. He rubs his eyes, because he knows it's the only thing that will stop him from full on crying on the phone with Carla.

“It’s...It’s not that, Carla. I just--Christopher should be with his father. Eddie wanted Christopher here, in LA with us.”

 _“With_ him _, honey. But he’s not here right now to be with Christopher. Maybe being with family is what Christopher needs right now.”_

“Carla, you don’t understand--”

_“Then explain it to me.”_

“Christopher...he...he needs me, okay? He needs me. They can’t take him away.” His voice breaks. Buck is begging for her to understand now. Begging for everyone to understand. It’s killing him being away from Eddie, but being away from Christopher? It felt like...having his heart ripped from his chest. 

_“He needs you?”_ Carla asks, her voice so sympathetic it makes Buck feel like an idiot. _“Or you need him?”_

*

Buck almost calls out sick today. He doesn’t sleep at all that night, and he’s about to go on another 24 hour shift. He wants to go visit Eddie but he won’t be able to do that until after his shift at the earliest. 

He wants to see Christopher but he knows if he even tries to, Eddie’s parents might make him leave. 

He’s distracted at work. The only time he can take his mind off of Christopher or Eddie was when they finally arrived on their calls, and Buck could force himself to focus on going through the motions. There weren’t any too difficult calls, mostly medical, a couple of car crashes, one on a major freeway causing worse traffic in an area that’s known for 24/7 heavy traffic.

His teammates are hovering. Bobby keeps showering him in food and snacks, baked goods he made with May at home. Chimney is on his phone the entire time, sneaking glances at Buck, and he just _knows_ that he’s sending Maddie live updates. Maddie has been texting him nonstop. She keeps wanting him to call her, but he knows that if he calls her, the second she starts trying to comfort him he’s going to lose it like a child. He wants--no, _needs_ \--to be strong right now, and being around Maddie makes him feel vulnerable.

It’s during one of those in-between moments when it’s just Hen and Buck sitting on the couch, that he leans over to her.

“Hen?” 

“Hmm?”

“Can I talk to you about something?” Buck asks.

“Always, Buck.”

Buck scratches the back of his head. “Um...I just wanted to ask about what happened when your ex was trying to get custody of Denny.”

Hen’s face immediately darkens. 

Buck retreats. “Never mind, I shouldn’t have asked. I’m sorry.”

Buck makes to leave but Hen reaches out and grasps his arm. “No, Buck, it’s fine. I’m sorry. It’s just...well that’s a touchy subject for me and Karen.”

Buck sits back down slowly, leaning towards Hen. “I know. And I wouldn’t have brought it up if it wasn’t important.”

Hen pats his arm. “I know. Is this about Christopher?”

Buck gulps, feeling itchy. He didn’t want to bring this up but Hen was the only person he thought would know about this and wouldn’t immediately make him feel bad about it.

He nods, “Yeah. Eddie’s will named abuela as his guardian, but Eddie’s parents are contesting it so that they will be named as his guardians. They want to take him back to Texas if Eddie doesn’t wake up in two weeks.”

“Buck…”

“If he doesn’t wake up by that point, it would be over 5 weeks that he’s been in a coma. Mild comas aren’t supposed to last that long. He should’ve woken up by now.”

Hen squeezes his hand. “You can’t put a time limit on a body’s healing. It takes the time it needs and right now it seems that Eddie needs more time.”

“But his body is fine. All of the scans and doctors reports show that his head is healing.”

“Sometimes the mind just needs more time,” Hen says. 

“But if Eddie doesn’t wake up, they’re going to take Christopher away. If they contest Abuela, they’re going to win. I spoke to her last night and she told me that at this point the only thing she can do is let them take him. But Eddie didn’t want Christopher to live with them.”

“Buck, are you sure?” she asks. “I mean, they’re his parents. And Eddie did say that he lived with them for the first six years of his life while he was in the army.”

Buck shakes his head. He doesn’t know how to explain this without revealing anything Eddie didn’t want revealed. 

“He didn’t--doesn’t have the best relationship with his parents. They wanted full custody of Christopher before, and Eddie didn’t take it very well. It’s why he moved out here in the first place.”

“What do you mean? Like after Shannon left?” Hen asks, confused. “‘Why would they want custody when Eddie was there and willing?”

Buck shakes his head, anger rising in him the more he thinks about it. 

“I don’t know,” he lies. He does know. He knows because Eddie told him, confided in him how his parents thought Eddie was a failure as a father. That they thought Eddie wasn’t equipped to be a good father, and that they thought they could raise Christopher better. 

Buck continues, “All I know is that if Eddie wanted his parents to have custody of Christopher, he would’ve named them in the first place. But he didn’t.”

“So what...you want to contest Eddie’s parents for custody?”

Buck purses his lips, pulling his hands back to wrap around his waist. “Is that so hard to see?”

“Buck...you’re not related to Christopher…”

“I know!” Buck exclaims. “But I did my research. In the state of California, non-biological parents can contest for custody or to be their legal guardian if they have proof of relationship--”

“Buck, when Eva was suing us for custody of Denny, she had a chance because she gave birth to him. And because she knew she had dirt on me.”

“But you got custody of Denny without being biologically related to him--”

“We adopted him because Eva was put in jail. She couldn’t have custody and I was her long-term girlfriend.”

“And I get that, Hen. I do. But Chris...he _belongs_ here. If me being his guardian means he can stay here, and live his life here while we wait for Eddie, then I’ll do it.” Buck’s getting worked up, standing and pacing. This was exactly the opposite of why he came to Hen. He thought she would be on his side. He didn’t go to Bobby or Maddie because he knew that they would have the same reactions as Carla but he thought _Hen,_ of all people, would understand.

Hen stands up too, moving forward and grabbing both of Buck’s hands between hers. “Buck, you can’t just fight for the rights to a child because you feel like you owe Eddie. You have to really think about this. What if Eddie never wakes up, huh? What if he dies and now you have to raise Christopher for the rest of his life--”

“I already wanted to!” 

And it’s out there. Buck can’t take it back. Hen’s jaw drops, but she quickly closes it.

“Wait, you mean you--”

Buck whimpers. He knows his eyes are red and his throat hurts. He just wants his family back.

“I love Christopher with everything in me,” Buck confesses. “He’s never just been Eddie’s son to me. Maybe for the first couple of months, but that changed. Especially after the tsunami. Eddie and Christopher, they just...invited me into their life so easily and being with them feels like home. Don’t you get it, Hen, it _feels_ like I’ve been Christopher’s father for so long now that I--the thought of losing Christopher too makes me feel like dying, I--” he blinks and tears fall down his face. Shit. 

“You’re in love with Eddie,” Hen says. It’s not a question. It’s not even a realization. It’s a fact. 

Buck shuts his eyes, feeling yet more teardrops roll down his face. He opens his eyes, but now that it’s out there he can’t bring himself to open his mouth. So he nods.

And Hen is engulfing him in her arms. 

“I’m sorry,” Hen whispers to him, holding him tight. “I’m sorry I didn’t realize it. I’ve been watching the three of you for so long, it just didn’t click to me that you were your own family, a unit just like all the rest of us have.”

Buck clings to her, soaking in the love she always radiates. 

“If you want to do this, I’ll be in your corner,” Hen pulls back, sniffling. “You know I will. But it’s not gonna be easy.”

“I know,” Buck wipes his face. “I’m really hoping it doesn’t come to this. If Eddie wakes up, then everything can just go back to normal.”

Hen nods her head, her eyes full of resolve. “Then let’s hope to God he wakes up.”

*

Buck stops by the hospital the next day, closer to the end of visiting hours. He asks a nurse if Eddie has other visitors, not wanting to run into Eddie’s parents. She tells him no one is there, so he makes his way in.

It never gets any easier, seeing Eddie lying in that hospital bed. Buck shuts the door behind him, then takes a seat next to Eddie’s bed. He picks up his hand, threads his fingers through Eddie’s. He brings them to his lips and holds them there before cupping Eddie’s hand between both of his and tucking them against his forehead. He closes his eyes. “Eddie, I need you to wake up.”

Nothing. No movement from Eddie, no sound.

Buck continues, “ _Please,_ you have to wake up this time. Your parents...they want to take Christopher back to Texas if you don’t wake up in two weeks. Please, man. You don’t have to wake up for me, but do it for Christopher. He needs you.”

Eddie remains still.

Buck sighs, bowing his head over Eddie’s hands and stays there. It reminds him of the position he’d seen Bobby in the few times he saw Bobby praying. Buck was never a religious person. At times he could be superstitious, and he believed in ghosts and spirits...but he didn’t know if he believed in something called a higher power. Or rather a single entity as the higher power. Sometimes he thought about what would happen to him when he died. He liked to think there was something else beyond this, someplace where he would see everyone he loved again after they all died.

Buck still didn’t know what there was, but right now, all he knew was that Eddie couldn’t leave. He was needed here in this life. He still had life left to go. Christopher was only nine...he had his whole life ahead of him, and to even think about Christopher living the rest of his life without his dad as well as his mom...well, it hit him in the worst way because he knew what that was like. His parents weren’t physically gone from this world, but they were as good as gone from Buck’s life. And there wasn’t a day that didn’t go by that Buck wished his parents had chosen to fight for him, instead of letting him go so easily. 

“I never told you about my parents,” Buck says quietly. “Never really told anyone about them. Not even Abby. I’m sure Chim must know some things, I don’t think Maddie cares as much to hide it as...well, as me.”

Buck taps a pattern out against the top side of Eddie’s hand, tracing the tendons and pressing into the veins softly just to feel his pulse, a steady throb that reminded Buck that Eddie was still here, listening in the only way he could.

“I guess I was just...ashamed,” Buck continues. “Seeing everyone with their families. How good they all were together. Not perfect, obviously. But never once have any of those kids ever thought you guys didn’t love them. It was something I’d not ever really been used to. And seeing you with Christopher, a single father who would give up everything and anything to give your son what he needed. Being who your son needed you to be. It was...fuck, is it bad that I’m jealous of Chris?” Buck chuckles wetly.

“In more ways than one, I guess, because that boy is something else. He’s so bright. Like...he just lights up the entire room when he’s near. He never fails to make me smile, even just thinking about him. He never lets anything get him down for too long. Once he told me that he tried complaining once and that it didn’t work so he decided to just...make the best of every situation and I just…” He’s trying not to cry again. He doesn’t want to think about the tsunami. He’s tried so hard to put it out of his head, but whenever he thinks back to the core of why he loves Chris so much, his thoughts inevitably drift back to that day.

“Your boy is so beautiful, Eddie.” Buck sniffles. “And I was jealous because his dad--and his mom in her own way--loved him so much. Sometimes I would look at you and Chris and think ‘why couldn’t my dad be that for me?’ How come Eddie can love Chris so easily and my dad couldn’t do that for me? Like was it _me_?” His voice cracks again, tears spilling over onto the skin of Eddie’s hands. “Chris is easy to love. So incredibly easy. But me?”

Buck shakes his head. He breathes out a harsh sigh.

“Fuck, Eddie. I know I could never be half the dad you are to Chris...but if you’d let me, for as long as you’re away, I’d like to try.” Buck squeezes Eddie’s hand. “I’ve been watching you with him for years now, so I like to think I could try and do for him what you do. And…”

He pauses, taking a deep breath. A new wave of tears rises up in him.

“I’ll make sure...regardless of what happens, that he always knows you are his dad. He’ll be waiting here for you, the moment you wake up. So will I. But if you don’t...I’ll make sure he never forgets you. I’ll make sure he knows that every second, you are there with him.”

Buck squeezes Eddie’s hand one more time, kissing it before pulling away to wipe his face. 

He looks up at Eddie’s face.

His eyes are open.

“Eddie?!” Buck jolts upright so fast, his chair goes flying out from underneath him. “Eddie!” He lunges forward, taking Eddie’s face in his hands, vision blurring again. 

Eddie’s eyes are open, looking at him through a glassy and far away expression, but Eddie says nothing. 

Buck turns away only for a second, to scream for a doctor at the top of his lungs. And then when he turns back, Eddie’s eyes are closed again like he’d never even opened them in the first place.

A doctor and two nurses are by his side instantly, checking over Eddie.

The nurses pull Buck off of Eddie. “H-He opened his eyes. I swear to God, I saw it. His eyes were open a-and then--”

The nurses are trying to calm him down, asking him questions about what he saw but all Buck can do is strain against them to see Eddie, because he was _awake_. He opened his eyes! He saw it!

The nurses manage to wrangle him out of Eddie’s room and into the hallway where he sinks on to his ass against the wall. Eventually, Eddie’s doctor comes out of the room and sits down next to Buck.

Buck sniffs, lifting his head up from his hands. “He woke up. I saw it. He looked right at me.”

“We checked his chart and we’re seeing a rapid increase in brain function. This happens sometimes. Patients will open their eyes momentarily, but it doesn’t always mean they are conscious. In other patients, sometimes they can open their eyes, and they can hear and understand us, but their body can’t move. It’s called--”

“Locked In Syndrome,” Buck supplies. The doctor looks surprised he knew of it already.

“My team once treated a man with that condition. He made it all the way to the autopsy table before he was able to move again.”

The doctor’s eyebrows are raised all the way up, but he chooses to ignore that and move on. 

“Anyway, I think Eddie’s health is improving. And given that he is able to open his eyes in the first place, it is a good sign that he will wake up for real eventually. We just have to give it some more time. Keep monitoring him.”

Buck sighs. “That’s the problem. We don’t have very much more time.”


	5. Chapter 5

Eddie is cocooned in water. It surrounds him, engulfs him. He exists in an un-ending realm of darkness. He hears his heart beat more than he feels it. It’s cold, bone-freezing. That’s the only thing he can feel. 

Then, somehow, he feels a growing warmth radiating from his hand. It’s then he remembers he even has a hand. It spreads from his hand up his arm, slowly but steadily, redrawing the lines of his body. 

His limbs are so heavy, but somehow he manages to lift them, like moving through hardening glue. He starts to swim through the water, in an unknown direction, but he knows it’s the right direction.

He pushes forward, harder but is unable to move much faster. There’s a light coming from the end of the tunnel--he’s in a tunnel. He’s in a tunnel surrounded by thick mud and water, swimming through mud. It shouldn’t be possible. But somehow he pushes through, and rushing water is pushing at his back, propelling him upward, away from the mud and into a large body of water.

His head shoots above the water and he’s finally able to breathe--sucking in huge gasps of oxygen as he throws his gear off, helmet and goggles and all. He hadn’t even realized he’d been wearing it. He claws his way out of the water and drapes his body on the dirt on the shore. Looking up, he sees a large production a ways away. A crane and a group of people in uniform, standing around taking directions from a man standing in front. Directions for a rescue mission. For him?

He crawls forward, hearing his name said over and over. They were planning on rescuing him. The thought is nice, but they’re wasting their time. Eddie is here, he’s alive, he just needs them to see him.

Coming up to them, making his presence known feels like a blur. But among them, he sees the faces of his family. Cap and Buck are on him in seconds, holding him up, taking him to get checked out, and everyone else scatters.

Buck takes him home. Did they not go to the hospital? Or did he already go and he forgot? 

“Where’s Christopher?” Eddie asks, after Buck has pulled into the driveway of Eddie’s house. 

Buck looks at him funny. “Who’s Christopher?”

Eddie laughs at the obvious joke. 

“He’s probably with Abuela or-or Carla.” One of those two he’s certain. “I’ll call them in the morning.” Eddie says mostly to himself, knowing already that wherever Chris was, he was fine and Eddie just needed to get some sleep. He starts to leave the truck. Buck comes around towards him. 

“Wait, you know Carla too?” Buck asks. There’s a smile on his face. “That woman has some _impressive_ connections.”

Eddie stares at him. He’s so tired, he doesn’t even have the energy to question Buck’s weird reactions to everything he’s saying. He makes his way inside, Buck following him in. 

He steps through the living room and stops. Something about it feels off, but he can’t put his finger on it. He shakes it off and moves towards his room, hearing Buck rummage around in the kitchen.

His room is normally pretty empty. No decorations on the wall, no knick knacks on his drawers. Only a picture of Christopher on his bedside table, right next to his alarm clock so that every day when he woke up the first thing he would see would be his son.

Eddie changes and sits down on the bed. He looks over, expecting to see the familiar picture, only to find it gone.

He stands up, heading towards the living room. Buck hasn’t left yet, he’s sitting on the couch drinking beer.

“Have you seen my picture of Christopher?”

“What?” Buck asks. “What picture?”

“The one that’s usually on my bedside table. The one of Christopher on his first day of his school, did you move it somewhere?”

Buck stands up, moving towards Eddie with a concerned look on his face.

“Eddie, are you okay? You’re acting really strange.”

“I’m not acting strange,” Eddie snaps. “I’m just...that’s one of my favorite pictures of him and I just want to know if it got misplaced or something.”

Buck shakes his head. “I’ve been in your place dozens of times Eddie, and I’ve never seen you display a single photo of anyone. Not even a stock photo. And who is this Christopher person you keep talking about? Is he an army buddy or something?”

“Army buddy?” Eddie reels back. “Buck, what are you talking about? Stop fucking around and pretending you don’t know who Christopher is--”

“Eddie, I’m not fucking with you, I’m serious--”

“He’s my son!” Eddie yells, hands flying up to his hair. “You know Christopher, he’s my son. You've known him for years, he’s in the picture with you right there--” Eddie gestures towards the picture of Buck with Christopher and Eddie that sat on the table by the front door. There used to be a picture of Christopher and Shannon there, but Christopher had asked if he could move it to his room, and Eddie had been totally fine with that. 

Only that picture wasn’t there either. He pushes past Buck and runs over to the table, pulling out drawers and looking behind the furniture to see if the photo frame fell. 

“Eddie, what the hell? You have a kid? You never told me about this--”

Eddie whips around, staring at Buck. What the fuck was happening? Where was Chris? He needed to find Chris. Buck keeps trying to make his way over to Eddie, but Eddie pushes past him and barges into Christopher’s room.

It’s completely bare. 

Eddie slumps against the wall. His entire body is shaking. In the back of his mind, the army medic in him knows he’s gone into shock. There’s a pair of arms wrapped around his body, a soft but worried voice calling his name.

“C-Call my abuela,” Eddie says.

“What?”

“Call my abuela!” he shouts and soon enough his dialing phone is being shoved in his face. 

_“Hello?_ ”

“Abuela, please tell me Christopher is with you,” Eddie grits out. He needs to just hear her say it.

_“Eddie?”_

“Abuela, w-where is Chris? His room is empty, I can’t find anything of his things. Just...where--” His bottom lip curls in. He’s about to fucking lose his mind.

_“Edmundo, calm down mijo, Christopher is fine. He’s fine.”_

It’s enough to stop Eddie from completely shutting down but it still doesn’t calm the panic at none of Christopher’s belongings being in his house. No trace of him at all whatsoever. Where was the dent in the wall from where Eddie accidentally tripped over Chris’s crutch? Where are the crayon markings on the wall that Eddie had to punish Christopher for all of five seconds for? It doesn’t make sense, he saw Christopher this morning. Or at least he thinks he did. 

“Where is he?”

“ _Ay Eddito... he’s at home, in El Paso.”_

_El Paso?!_

“Abuela, I don’t understand. Why is he there? We never planned a visit--”

“ _Edmundo, Christopher_ lives _there with your parents. He’s lived there for the last three years since you moved to Los Angeles.”_

“Eddie?” Buck asks.

Pain shoots through his skull.

_“Working around the clock, three different jobs, and you don’t have time for what matters most. Christopher.” She pauses, looking to his dad for support. “And that’s why we think he should live with us permanently.”_

Eddie gets in the car, driving to LA, thinking in the back of his head that if he is near Shannon, somehow they’ll end up back in each other’s orbits. His son was in the back seat. He knows it, he remembers it.

_“I’ve applied to different fire departments, I’ve got accepted to LA and Chicago,” he tries._

_“Yes, where you’ll be working 24 hour shifts. Leaving Christopher with god knows who. How is that any better for him?”_

The LAFD. They welcome him in, almost all of them anyway. And when the earthquake hits, and Eddie’s worried about Christopher, Buck tries to comfort him. Eddie doesn’t understand it, coming from someone who was so hostile towards him just a short time ago. Christopher is there. Buck helps him get to Christopher.

But Christopher’s not there. Christopher stayed in Texas, and Eddie is in LA alone. He never told Buck about Christopher. He never told any one of them about Christopher’s existence. The team knows less about him than anyone. 

No, that isn’t right. Buck and Bobby invited Christopher into their lives so easily. Buck found him Carla. Carla has saved Eddie’s life in more ways than one.

But he’s never met Carla. There was never any reason for Buck to introduce them.

_“Christopher needs consistency. He already got cheated out of that when his own mother up and left him.”_

Shannon left _Eddie_. She never wanted to be his wife, they only got married because of Christopher. It was his fault, getting her pregnant, shackling her to Eddie’s life. His family who hated her, treated her like an outsider. Only saw her as the mother of Eddie’s child. And the worst part was that’s how Eddie had been viewing her that whole time too. Not as his wife, not as his partner, not as the woman he was supposed to love, but as Christopher’s mother. 

He can’t blame her for leaving them, Eddie left them first. But then he came back and... 

And then...Eddie left Christopher again?

_“She gave up on you and then she left her son. I will always blame her for that.” Helena exclaims._

_“But now you want me to leave him too?” Eddie argues. He can feel the rage bubbling up inside him. How dare his parents even suggest this? “How do you think that’s good for him?”_

_His dad sighs. “Eddie, he barely knows you. You haven’t been around most of his life.”_

The day he came home, he vowed he would do everything he could to be the best father to Christopher he could be. Being a father never came easily to Eddie. He wasn’t nurturing by nature. He loved his son with all that he had, but he was scared to hold him when he cried. He was afraid of not being enough for his son, because for Christopher’s whole life so far, Eddie had been gone. 

Christopher was born, Eddie was deployed. Eddie came back, Christopher was a toddler with CP and Eddie couldn’t handle it, he deployed again. Eddie got shot, and was discharged from the army for the final time. Shannon left. And his parents didn’t think he was a good enough father to raise Christopher on his own. He was going to raise Christopher on his own. He would take him with him to LA. They would build a new life together. That was the plan.

But Eddie left him. Just like his mother.

_“Maybe you regret your life choices, but you don’t get to make up for lost time with your children by stealing mine!” Eddie fired back at his father. How dare he say Eddie couldn’t be a good father to Christopher because he was working? That was all Ramon ever did when they were kids. He never had time for Eddie or either of his sisters. The difference between them was that Eddie did his damn best to be there for Christopher. His father just let distance grow and grow. He never attempted to strengthen their bond, never tried to shorten the distance between them._

_But it stung. All Eddie wanted to do was be a good father. According to_ his _father, that meant working, providing. Teaching him how to be a man. But so far all Eddie had done was abandon his son, running away to Afghanistan because he couldn’t handle it. Was that what he was doing right now? Burying himself in work so that he could_ avoid _time with his son? Were his parents right about him?_

 _“The reality is your father and I are the only constant in his life. We have been there almost every single day since the day he was born. You can’t just take him away from the only stable thing he’s got left! He belongs with us!” His mom was on the verge of tears. Why was it that when he wanted to move with his son, she felt like_ he _was taking Christopher away from_ them _?_

No, it’s not right. It’s not right at all. Christopher is Eddie’s son, he belongs with him. He loves him, he’s doing his best to give him everything he needs. He left Texas to make a new life for Christopher, and for himself too. This was their new life. 

_“Eddie, I know how much you love your son. That’s why I know you are gonna do what is right for him. Don’t drag him down with you, Eddie.”_

_Don’t drag him down._

Don’t drag him down.

_Christopher belonged with his parents. Eddie wasn’t a good father, he never had been and he never would be._

All he did by taking Christopher to LA was break him down. It was all Eddie’s fault. He wanted to come to LA because he thought being closer to Shannon would somehow make them a family again. And then she died, and Eddie had allowed her back into Christopher’s life only for her to leave him and Eddie _again_. It was all his fault. 

Except Eddie never brought Christopher to LA. He never gave him a second chance to know his mom. Eddie never even contacted Shannon in the first place. She doesn’t know he lives here and that Christopher isn’t with him. She could be dead, or she could be alive. She could be alive and living her life, all because Eddie didn’t selfishly try to force her back into theirs. Everything was his fault because he was selfish. Maybe wanting Christopher to stay with him was selfish. Maybe for once in his life Eddie wouldn’t be selfish...by leaving Christopher. 

_I miss you all the time._

_I miss you all the time too, kid. I’m never gonna leave you again._

“I left him,” Eddie is shaking. Buck had taken the phone out of his hand, Eddie having hung up on her. The tears are building up and now he can’t stop himself. “I left him there.”

Buck cradles Eddie in his arms, “Eddie?”

“I left my son,” he sobs, trying to collect himself, trying to regain control. But control was a fickle thing, and Christopher was his number one trigger. “His mother left him, and then I left him too.”

Buck’s hands are on him, holding him close, rubbing warm repetitive patterns on his back.

“Eddie,” Buck whispers. “Come back.”

Eddie could barely hear a word Buck was saying. All he could do was let the overwhelming guilt wash over him, drown him, snuff out all the air in his lungs.

“Christopher needs you,” Buck whispers into Eddie’s ear. Eddie hasn’t begun to calm down. “Chris needs you to wake up.”

Eddie manages to pull back, wiping his face. He looks at Buck, “W-What?”

Buck takes Eddie’s face in between his hands, his face set and sure. “Christopher never forgot you. He’s right here, Eddie. You just have to get to him.”

Eddie shakes his head, but Buck’s grip is tight. “Buck, what are you--”

“Wake up, Eddie,” Buck says again, right to his face. “Come back to us.”

Eddie shuts his eyes tight.

*

When he opens them again, he’s lying face down in his bed. His alarm clock blaring. His eyes are heavy, his head in a fog.

He grabs his phone, seeing that there’s a text message from his mom.

_Don’t forget to call Christopher tonight._

Regret, not an unfamiliar feeling, and guilt rise in Eddie. 

Today is Christopher’s 16th birthday. The tenth birthday in a row that Eddie has not been in El Paso for. At this point, Christopher had his own life, his own friends and his grandparents were more of Christopher’s parents than Eddie was.

It was too late to turn back time. The only thing he could do now is call Christopher and talk to him on the phone every now and then. Maybe about twice a month. 

Eddie texts back an affirmation. 

These days nothing makes him want to get out of bed. The ache for his son throbs under his ribs. It never goes away. If it weren’t for his job, he doubted he would get out of bed. 

So he goes to work. Bobby’s retired, and they have a new captain of the 118. He sometimes saw Bobby, but he was busy enjoying his retirement with Athena. Hen left the LAFD years ago to be a doctor, and a damn successful one at that. Hen, Karen and the kids stop by sometimes, but it’s not the same as having her on the team. Chimney and Maddie ended up moving to a suburb of Los Angeles to raise their kids, Maddie going back to being a nurse and Chimney switching to a different firehouse, one closer to their home. 

The only member of the original team still here was Buck. 

It wasn’t the same. Buck had always been his best friend, always had his back, but once Buck started dating again, he and Eddie had begun to hang out less and less.

And then, Buck announced him and his girlfriend of the last two years were getting engaged. Eddie could do nothing but stare at the floor. She wasn’t the first person Buck had dated since Eddie met him, but she was the first real one after Abby. To make matters worse, Buck had come out to him right around that time as bisexual, and for half a minute, Eddie let it sink in that he could actually have a chance. That Buck could be _his._

But Eddie couldn’t bring himself to make a move, despite all the chances he had. The times when their bodies had been so close, when all he needed to do was lean forward and kiss him and he would be his. But he chickened out. 

And then Buck met Tessa. That was the end of any hope Eddie had left.

These days he didn’t feel much of anything. Buck’s wedding was less than three months away and the man was bouncing off the walls. It was the happiest Eddie had ever seen Buck and it killed him that he wasn’t _happy_ that his best friend was happy. He felt...hurt. Betrayed. Because somewhere inside of him, he knew that he and Buck were supposed to be _it_. 

But _it_ just never happened. 

Eddie hated himself.

He hated every decision he ever made. He hated that all he could feel these days was this intense deep contempt for himself. He didn’t care if he lived or died anymore. Days went by like minutes, all blurring into one. 

By the end of the day, Eddie was ready to go home, make some ramen for himself and then just go to sleep and do it all over again the next day.

But first, he was set to call Christopher.

It rang for a bit before Christopher finally picked up.

“Hey, little man,” Eddie greeted with a fake cheerfulness. Talking to Christopher always made him feel lighter, but after so many years had gone by, the amount he and Christopher had to say to each other became less and less. 

“I’m 16 now, Dad,” Christopher said with a quick laugh. “Not little anymore.”

It hurt. He missed the entirety of his only son’s life. All of it. 

“That’s right,” Eddie leaned back against the sofa cushion. “You’re a man now. Pretty soon you’ll be going to college, getting married.”

And Eddie would miss all of it. Because Christopher was barely his son now, only in name and the way Eddie felt about him. 

“Yeah, I’m studying for the SATs right now,” Chris said.

“That must be hard.”

“Not really. The subject matter is okay, but it’s just the amount of time I have to spend studying is exhausting. Grandma has me studying 24/7.”

“Oh,” Eddie says. He doesn’t sulk about how his mom had been on him to get a job in high school, carry his own weight, barely even cared about the SATs. “Well, what schools are you looking to apply to?”

“Probably Berkeley. Or Stanford. Grandpa likes their business programs.”

“Well what about you? What programs do you like?” Eddie asks.

Christopher goes silent on the line for a little while. A pause that makes Eddie hold his breath.

“I don’t know,” Christopher finally says. It doesn’t sound convincing at all. Eddie knew his son, he knew how much the kid enjoyed everything he did, how much passion he held.

“What about animals? I remember once you told me you might want to be a vet? Or a zookeeper?” Eddie supplies. “O-Or what about drawing? You’re an amazing artist. What about applying to art school?”

Christopher sighs, and Eddie realizes with some bitterness that this must be a touchy topic for him. 

“I don’t know, dad. I haven’t drawn in a while. Grandma says there’s no point in spending all my time on it if I’m not going to make a career out of it. Grandpa says it’s easier when you have CP to be something like an accountant.”

Guilt. That all-encompassing, agonizing guilt. 

He knew his parents would do this. He _knew_ they would coddle, and condescend and make Christopher feel like he couldn’t do anything on his own. He knew it, he _saw_ it. The way his mom didn’t even want Chris to drink from a goddamn cup and insisted he needed a juice box. The way she thought Eddie could never do anything right. He was such a fucking fool for deluding himself into thinking his parents would be better for Christopher, when they did such a damn good job of raising Eddie to feel like a failure. 

He regretted everything. He wished he never let himself walk out that door and drive to California without Christopher. If he could, he would rewind the last decade, scoop up his son and hightail it out of El Paso, TX forever. No looking back. He would make a life here for Eddie and Christopher. They would be a family. He would tell Buck how he felt before it was too late, and maybe the two of them could’ve been the fathers--the parents--Christopher deserved.

“Dad? You still there?” Christopher asks.

“Yeah,” Eddie forces down the lump in his throat. “Yeah, buddy, I’m still here. And I just want you to know that you can do anything you want to, okay? If you want to be an artist, or hell, a firefighter, you can. Don’t just let grandma and grandpa dictate everything about your life, because it is _your_ life to live, you hear me? Yours. Not theirs. They may be your grandparents, but you are your own person and nobody has the power to hold you back.”

Christopher is silent, but then he says. “Thanks, Dad” and Eddie hears the smile in his voice. It’s sad, and it’s longing, but it’s a smile and Eddie loves his son so goddamn much.

“I’m gonna fly out for your graduation, okay?”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I want to, Christopher. I want to be there for you.” Like he hasn’t been his entire life. 

Christopher doesn’t sound like he believes him. 

“I love you, son,” Eddie says. It’s a last ditch attempt. He just wants to hear Christopher say it. He’s the only one who ever says it to Eddie anymore, and he’s the only one he feels it from. 

“Love you too, dad.”

They hang up. The conversation was short, like it always was. Eddie felt rubbed raw. He felt like he needed to be back in the fighting ring, taking someone out. Being taken out. 

He didn’t want to be like this anymore. It was too much. He felt empty and he felt overloaded all at the same time.

Before he realizes it, he’s dialing another number.

This one picks up after the second ring. “Hey, Eddie, what’s up?” Buck’s ever-bright voice Buck chimes out.

Eddie can’t say anything. The lump in his throat is too great. If he speaks, Buck is going to hear the pain in his voice, the wet tears he’s trying to hold back.

“Eddie?” Buck asks again.

And Eddie breaks down. He knows Buck can hear him over the phone, even though he hasn’t said a word. He knows Buck can hear the gasps and sniffs. But he can’t stop. He can’t do this anymore. He can’t live like this.

He doesn’t know how long he’d been crying, when he hears the front door crack open. He’d forgotten Buck still had a key to his place. Buck so rarely came over anymore, too busy living his life with his fiance, that it was an uncommon occasion when Buck stopped by without planning it way in advance.

Buck crouches in front of him. Eddie’s stopped crying, but it’s almost worse now. At least when he was crying, he was _feeling_ something. Even if it was nothing short of debilitating grief. Now he was back to feeling utterly empty. A shell of a man. He didn’t even know why Buck bothered to be friends with him anymore.

Eddie stares off into the distance, eyes glassy. 

Buck touches his hand. “Eddie?”

The sound of his voice makes Eddie breath in, and it’s that moment he realizes he’d stopped breathing in the first place. Buck is trying to catch his eye, but Eddie can’t get himself to focus. All he can say is, “It’s Christopher’s birthday today.”

Buck sits with that information for a bit. Then he says, “16, right?”

Eddie fucking hates himself so much. He looks down at the man in front of him, the man who cared so much and so deeply, enough to even remember the birthday of Eddie’s estranged son. Buck doesn’t even _know_ his son, and yet Eddie knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that Buck loves him like he was his own. They could’ve had a good life together, the three of them. He could’ve had his son sitting here with him, brushing his hand through his hair, and his other hand could’ve been wrapped around Buck’s waist, leaning into his chest, soaking in the love Buck had tried for so long to give him, waited for years for Eddie to be ready to receive. They missed their chance. Eddie and his cowardice cost him everything. His son, the love of a man who wanted so badly to love him. 

“Yeah,” Eddie croaks. “Sweet sixteen.”

Tears start to fall from Eddie’s eyes again and Buck leans forward, swiping his thumbs under Eddie’s eyes, gently easing them away. “Hey, shh, you’re okay.”

“It’s not okay, Buck. I--” 

It gets caught in his throat, but Buck doesn’t make a single move to leave or to rush him.

“I wasted all this time,” Eddie finally says. “I could’ve had a life with my son but I just...I gave up! I got scared and I ran and I missed out on everything.”

“You couldn’t have known,” Buck says, trying to be comforting. “You thought you were doing what was best for your son.”

“But he needed me,” Eddie shakes his head. “He needed me then, and he needs me now, and I left him. I was never the father he needed me to be. I’m still not.”

“Eddie…”

“You don’t need to coddle me, Buck, I know I’m a severe fuck-up. I lost my son because I waited so long. That’s just who I am. The guy who lets everything pass him by because he’s too fucking afraid of not being enough. I lost Christopher and I lost yo--”

 _You_. It hangs in the air. Buck looks stricken. He knows as well as Eddie what they could’ve had together. In another life maybe. One where Eddie wasn’t Eddie, but someone who was worthy of a kid like Chris. Worthy of the love of someone like Buck.

Eddie shuts his eyes, getting lost in the feeling of Buck’s hands that hadn’t left his. 

“You need to wake up, Eddie,” Buck says.

“What?” He asks, but he doesn’t open his eyes.

“If you want your son back,” Buck starts again, his voice heavy and almost far away. “If you want _me_ back. You have to wake up. You have to fight this.”

“I’m trying,” Eddie whimpers. He’s a broken husk of a man. 

“Try harder,” Buck insists. “Fight for us. Isn’t that what you always said? You’ll always fight to come home to your family.”

He did. He made that promise. 

“So fucking do it, Eddie.”

Eddie opens his eyes.

For a moment, Eddie sees nothing but blinding yellow and white fluorescent lights. He feels the weight on his hands. He’s laying down flat on his back in a bed. He looks down at the person sitting next to him. He’s crying.

And then the man kisses Eddie’s palm, before looking up into Eddie’s eyes. It’s a flurry of movement and Eddie’s still foggy, doesn’t understand what’s happening. His head still hurts a lot, his body feels like it’s been through a trash compactor. 

Buck is calling his name. _Buck_.

Eddie wants to keep his eyes open, wants to say something, but he can’t move his body, can’t move his hands or his lips. He can’t even really move his eyes. His eyelids are heavy like concrete. He feels himself slipping back, but he doesn’t want to. He wants to stay here with Buck, even if he doesn’t know where _here_ is. All he knows is that Buck was kissing his hand, calling his name, and Eddie wants to stay here with him.

He’s still dreaming, that must be what this is. His eyes only ever felt this heavy in dreams. 

His eyes force themselves shut, thrusting Eddie back into darkness.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some good news! I have officially finished writing the rest of this story! which means that updates are going to be coming much more frequently. I think like every other day or every two days. Really it's a matter of editing. So that being said, please enjoy!

Buck wakes up with a start at the hospital. For a second, he forgets where he is, his confusion made even more evident by the fact he's at the hospital in Eddie's room. Eddie typically wasn't permitted overnight visitors and yet someone saw him fast asleep, head resting on Eddie's arm as a pillow and just let him continue on. 

He looks down at Eddie's face, stroking his fingers down Eddie's cheek, under his eyelids, down the bridge of his nose and over his lips. 

He snatches his hand away like it's been burned when he hears frantic voices and the clack of heels and crutches on the floor just as Eddie's parents burst in through the door. 

"Eddie, Eddie!" Helena and Ramon rush right past Buck, who quickly side steps out of the way. Eddie’s parents lean over his body, clutching his hands and his face. 

“Bucky!” Christopher yells as soon as he spots him. The kid crashes into Buck’s legs and Buck is helpless but to sink down to his level and hug him. 

Helena turns and sees them and is about to say something when the doctor comes in and Eddie’s parents attention is completely on him, asking question after question, trying to figure out why Eddie had woken up and then just slipped back into his coma like nothing ever happened.

Buck takes that moment to step off into the hallway with Chris--with the door open and in plain sight of Eddie’s parents. 

“Why haven’t you come by?” Christopher asks, his face turned down in a heart-breaking frown. “You said you would pick me up and then you never did.”

Buck didn’t know what to say to the boy. What could he possibly say to make up for breaking his promise? It didn’t matter what excuses he came up with, it didn’t erase the fact that it hurt Chris.

“I’m sorry, buddy,” Buck takes his shoulders and squeezes them. “I wanted to see you, but your grandparents…” How much should he tell Chris? “Well, they just wanted to spend time with you as a family.”

“But you’re my family too,” Christopher pouts. And god does that make Buck want to cradle the boy in his arms and never let go.

“I’m sorry,” Buck says again. It feels like the only thing he really could say at that moment. “But I’m glad I got to see you today.”

“Will you stay the night tonight?”

It was the only question Buck wished Christopher wouldn’t ask, but he wasn’t surprised in the slightest that he did.

Buck looks away, back to Eddie’s parents who are still talking to the doctor, but still managing to shoot Buck jagged looks all the same. 

Buck couldn’t tell Christopher that his grandparents didn’t want Buck around. Didn’t want Buck spending any time with Christopher. He didn’t know what Eddie’s parents knew, or thought they knew, about Buck’s relationship with Eddie and Christopher, but they obviously didn’t like it. They had been polite at first but now they just didn’t want him speaking to Christopher at all. He could see it in their body language. How stiffly they held themselves up.

Buck wanted to tell Christopher everything. He didn’t want to lie to the boy. He wanted Christopher to know the truth. When he was a kid, his parents would just brush everything off, they didn’t care in the slightest to explain things to Buck, because they thought he was a stupid kid who wouldn’t understand anything anyway. But Buck did understand. And regardless of how young he was, the way they treated him lingered in his mind for years to come.

Buck had read online that when it comes to custody battles over a child around Christopher’s age, it was best to not try and pit them against their other family members, even if the family members were in the wrong. Because no matter what, Christopher’s grandparents were a part of him, and saying something bad about them would make Christopher feel bad, or guilty, and that was the last thing Buck wanted to put on Christopher. It was the same reason why Eddie never mentioned what happened between him and Shannon around Christopher. That, and because of Eddie’s own communication issues. But Eddie had told him once that Shannon was Christopher’s mother, and she would always be a part of him. How would it make Christopher feel to know that one parent disliked the other parent. They were both a part of him. 

Buck didn’t want to turn Christopher against his grandparents. He wouldn’t put the burden of having to choose on this nine year old’s shoulders. No matter how much Buck wanted vindication for himself, wanted Christopher to know that he didn’t _choose_ to abandon him and that it was forced upon him, he couldn’t drag his grandparents down.

“Listen Chris,” Buck starts, biting his lip and hoping to hell that his voice doesn’t wobble. “Your grandparents love you very much. They want what’s best for you, and right now, they just want to spend time with you and Eddie.”

“Without you?” Christopher asks.

Buck swallows hard. “Yeah. For the time being.” He surges forward. “But I just want you to know that no matter what I _love you_ , kid. You are the most important person in the world to me, okay? And just because I can’t be physically with you every day right now doesn’t mean that I’m not thinking about you constantly. Do you understand?”

Christopher’s eyes begin to water but he doesn’t burst into tears.

“I love you and Eddie with everything I have, and nothing that you or Eddie or your grandparents do or say will ever make me stop loving you.”

Tears start to slide down Christopher’s face, like the weight of what’s happening is finally hitting him. Buck wishes he could take the kid home, wrap him up in his arms and just sleep. Forget about all the pain and sorrow surrounding them. But he can’t. This is real life.

“No matter what happens,” Buck squeezes his shoulder, thumbs coming up to trace the soft skin of Christopher’s cheek. “No matter how far away I am, or where you go, I will always fight for you Christopher, okay? Just like your dad is doing right now.”

Christopher nods finally and flings his arms out around Buck. “I love you too, Bucky.”

“Christopher,” a calm yet stern voice calls. Christopher and Buck both look up. Helena and Ramon are looking down at them, waiting for Buck to let go of Christopher. He doesn’t want to, but with one last soft smile at Chris, he lets go. Christopher moves back slowly, only doing so because he can feel the weight of his grandparents expectations too.

“Ramon, please take Christopher to the car. We have to get him to school soon,” Helena states. Ramon picks up Christopher and starts walking away. Buck’s eyes never leave Christopher and the little boy waves at him before Ramon finally turns the corner and is out of sight.

“Mrs. Diaz--”

“We haven’t changed our minds,” she interrupts. “He hasn’t woken up. Or if he did, he’s not back completely. Our flight is still set for next weekend and we’ve bought Christopher’s ticket.”

Buck looks up sharply.

“If Eddie doesn’t wake up, we’ll be taking Christopher back to El Paso with us indefinitely.”

Buck croaks, “And if he does wake up…?”

Helena doesn’t answer. She avoids his eyes but Buck can see in the downturn of her mouth that she doesn’t believe Eddie will wake up.

Buck wrings his hands, shrinking himself down, so as to make himself look as non-threatening as possible.

“Can I please see Christopher one more time before you go?”

Helena looks like she wants to say no instantly. 

“Please?” Buck begs. “Just one day--or-or not even a day, just an afternoon, a couple of hours, anything.”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” Helena finally says. “He’s already too dependent on you and on Eddie. He thinks he needs you around all the time when what he needs is to be around his family who love him.”

 _I love him_ . Buck thinks but doesn’t say. _I love him like he was my own son_.

“Just one afternoon...please,” Buck asks one more time. “That’s all I’m asking...so I can at least say goodbye.”

Helena must take pity on him. He must seem like a weak man who she has all the power over. And she knows it. 

“One afternoon.”

*

Buck spends the rest of the week at work, where he stays in a fog, doing his job on auto-pilot and thinking about Eddie and Christopher the rest of the time in between. He does research in all of his spare time. He finds all the necessary paperwork, downloads it and fills it out, he even talks to a woman in family law on the phone down at the courthouse and gets her advice. He does everything just short of filing for custody. 

The one thing that’s stopping him is the last thing he thought would be a barrier: Eddie.

It’s what stops him from filing the paperwork the very first business day the courthouse opens. It’s what stops him from doing it again every day afterward.

Because as much as Buck wants Christopher to be his son...the truth of the matter is that he is not. Christopher is Eddie’s son. What if Eddie woke up that night or the next day and he finds out Buck, of all people, was trying to get custody of his son?

What if Eddie thought Buck was trying to take Christopher away from him? Jumping at the first opportunity to take Christopher from him just like his parents did. What if Eddie didn’t _want_ Buck to do this? Sure, Buck was Eddie’s best friend but Helena and Ramon were Eddie’s parents. They’ve known Christopher all his life. What was that compared to Buck? He’d only known Christopher for a few years. Would Eddie choose for Christopher to be with his parents over Buck? 

Buck didn’t know if he could be a good dad. Sure, he liked kids, he always had. He thought they were adorable and funny and just had a sweet innocence to them that Buck envied. Even the annoying kids who had too much energy, or said mean things, were just doing so because they were mimicking what they saw in the world around them. The kids weren’t bad, it was the world giving them nothing but shit, and it eventually turned them into broken adults. Adults with abandonment issues so deep, but a desire so large to be accepted and loved that they would just give it away to anyone who seemed even remotely interested, just for a shred of attention. Because kids need attention, they need someone to be there for them and tell them they love them and care about them. If they don’t get it, all that happens is they grow up feeling like they never deserved it in the first place.

Could Buck give the love and attention to a kid that he needed? Could he be the person who put his kid’s interests and needs above all else? Could be financially responsible for a kid the way Eddie had struggled to for so long? He made the same amount as Eddie. The man hadn’t been shy about looping Buck into every big decision he made regarding Christopher. But asking for Buck’s input was very different from being the one who had to make all those decisions himself. Could he be a parent to Christopher without Eddie?

“Buck, can I talk to you please?” Bobby calls from the other end of the station. Buck drops the towel that he had been using to scrub the firetruck and walks up the stairs.

“Yeah, Cap?”

“In my office please?” Bobby doesn’t sound mad, but Buck knows from experience it’s not really a good thing when Bobby calls you away from everyone else. It usually meant he wanted to talk to you about something everyone else knew about, but didn’t want to say directly in front of their faces. Bobby could get away with that, being their captain. He could do and say things to them that they sometimes couldn’t to each other. 

Buck follows Bobby into his office, Bobby closing the door behind them.

“What’s up?” Buck asks, sitting down when Bobby motions to the chair.

Bobby folds his hands in front of him, rubbing his fingers together, like he’s trying to figure out the best way to say whatever he wanted to say. Buck tries not to let the prickle of anxiety (and irritation) grow into a larger problem. Last time Bobby acted this shifty, he admitted to being the dumb ass who recommended he not return to work after Buck’s pulmonary embolism.

“Just…” Buck stops himself from blurting. “Just tell me, Cap. Please.”

Bobby sighs, his hands unfurling and coming up to squeeze his neck. “Hen told me about how you’re planning to try and get custody of Christopher.”

Oh. That hadn’t been what Buck expected him to say. He expected him to maybe admonish him for being extra-spacey today. Maybe Buck forgot a protocol step when he was checking the bystanders to see if they needed help. He hadn’t expected Bobby to bring up Chris. But then again he hadn’t exactly asked Hen to keep it quiet about his plans. If Bobby knew did that mean Chim knew? Because if Chim knew then Maddie definitely knew. But Maddie hadn’t reached out about it at all.

Buck didn’t know what to tell Bobby, and it seemed his silence was enough.

“So it’s true?” Bobby asks.

Buck furrows his brow. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing,” Bobby says a bit too fast. “Nothing, Buck. It’s just-- are you sure this is the right move here?”

Truthfully? No, he wasn’t sure this was the right move. He’d been going around and around in his head trying to figure out what was the best thing to do, but everything just left him more confused. He knew he loved Eddie and he knew he loved Christopher. For Buck, that was almost enough.

“I don’t know Bobby, but I’m working on it,” Buck starts. “I’ve been researching and--”

“Buck, you can’t _research_ how to be a father. It’s not something you can just Google.”

Buck begged to differ, but he didn’t voice that. 

“I know that, Bobby. That’s not what I meant. I’m researching family law and what it would take for me to legally get custody over Christopher. In California if you can prove your familial bond to the child or if you have a relationship with their parent, you could reasonably have a chance. Like if you’re a step-parent.”

“But you’re not a step-parent,” Bobby says. “You and Eddie aren’t in a relationship.”

Buck is silent. Bobby’s eyebrows shoot up his forehead. 

Buck swallows, and turns his head. His voice is low when he says, “We’re--we’re not.”

Bobby eyes him, studying Buck’s face, and Buck just _knows_ that Bobby figured it out.

“Buck…” Bobby starts, pity in his voice.

“I _know_ , okay Bobby, but you don’t understand,” Buck pleads, leaning forward, hands up in front of him. “I don’t think there’s been a single day these past two years where Eddie and I haven’t seen each other, o-or been at each other’s places, or we’ve been with Christopher. I know me and Eddie never got the chance to become anything--” Bobby’s eyes widen-- “but they’re my family.”

Bobby groans, his eyes shutting like Buck had just said he was planning to quit his job and become a mermaid marine biologist or something.

“What?” Buck prods.

Bobby pushes his face back into one of neutrality, hiking his back, shoulders high. The perfect image of a model captain.

“Buck, maybe you should consider what’s best for Christopher in this situation. I know you, okay, Buck? You rush into things, you make hasty decisions because you’re thinking with your emotions and not your head. Maybe being with Eddie’s parents in Texas is what’s best for him.”

And that was a slap in the face.

“How can you say that?” Buck asks. “Christopher belongs here with his _father_.”

“But you’re _not_ his father Buck,” Bobby says, exasperated.

“I could be!” Buck says, and it was way louder than he expected it to be. It nearly echoes off the wall and Buck prays no one outside heard.

Bobby is silent.

Buck stares at him, mouth hanging open. It feels worse than the night at dinner with him and Athena. Thinking Bobby was on his side, thinking Bobby _believed_ in him, only for him to be the person holding him back.

“You think I can’t do it,” Buck says. “You think I can’t be a father to Christopher.”

Bobby sighs. “No, I didn’t say that.”

“You think I’m too stupid, too reckless, too much of an adrenaline junkie, to be the kind of father figure Christopher needs.” Buck throws out.

“What he needs is someone who can give him _everything_ that he needs. He’s a child.”

“I know that, you think I haven’t been trying? It’s not like this was a split second decision Bobby, I’ve spent nearly every day for the past three years with Eddie and Christopher.”

“Just because you were with them all the time doesn’t mean you have what it takes to be a father! You have to know how to put Christopher first for everything--that means when you want to go gallivanting off a cliff or risk getting crushed by a train because you _think_ you’re being the hero, you can’t do those things! Every single action you take will affect that kid. You really think you can do that and be the father that kid needs?”

Buck reels back. “What? Like how you know how to be a father?”

Bobby’s eyes flare and Buck knows he’s stepped over a line but he’s furious and he’s not backing down.

“You think you know what’s best for me, but all you’ve ever done was treat me like a younger version of yourself. Well guess what Bobby? I’m not you! I will never _be_ you! I know I’m young and I’ve made risky choices on the job. But the times I’ve gotten hurt? None of those were my fault! I thought I had to prove myself to you so I kept pushing and pushing myself. But it never mattered what I did, you were always going to see me one way. You think you’re trying to stop me from becoming you, but _I’m_ not going to get Christopher _killed_ \--”

“That’s enough,” a firm voice comes from behind them. It’s Athena. 

The anger that radiates off of Athena heats the entire room. Buck expected it all to be focused on him, but oddly enough her anger was aimed at Bobby as well.

“Buck, I’m gonna need you to take the rest of the day off,” Athena instructs. “Bobby, take a walk with me.”

Buck huffs, but knows when Athena gives orders it means you listen. Didn’t matter that she wasn’t the captain and that this was Bobby’s fire house. What Athena said goes. 

So Buck leaves, ducking by her quickly and down the stairs. Hen and Chim try to stop him, but Buck ignores them. He storms into the locker room, grabs his shit and leaves, not even bothering to take off his uniform.

He pulls out of the parking lot at full force, flying down the highway and doesn’t stop until he reaches an empty parking lot behind an abandoned Toys R’ Us. It’s only there that he stops the car, shuts it off and suspends himself in utter silence.

He punches the steering wheel so hard it lets out an angry honk. As if the wheel was a punching bag, Buck unleashes all of his fury on it, pounding and screaming and crying, thrashing his head against the top of it. He probably looks psychotic, sitting alone in his car, throwing a fucking fit with the horn honking and broadcasting his breakdown even louder.

Eventually the punches subside and all Buck can do is let his head fall forward, sobbing uncontrollably over the steering wheel.

*

Honestly it took Maddie long enough.

Buck’s surprised she hadn’t called him hours ago. He decided he would get takeout and just binge in his car. He didn’t feel like going back to his apartment; didn’t want to go there and sit in his living room and think about how wrong it was that neither Eddie or Chris were there. He didn’t want to think about how he was here without them. 

At least in his car he could sit uncomfortably and stew in it. 

His phone rings and Buck’s first thought was that it had to be Maddie, and he was right.

He debates answering it. If he did, he knew he was going to get an earful of it. If he didn’t answer, he would spare himself the headache right now, but Maddie wouldn’t let up, he knew that. She was a stubborn Buckley, just like him. If he put off talking to her right now, he would just set himself for even more trouble later.

He answers. 

_“Buck?”_ she asks. He grunts a response and she sighs, like she knew that was going to happen. “ _Chimney told me what happened_.”

“Oh yeah? And what did Chimney tell you? Because as far as I was aware, that was supposed to be a private conversation between me and Bobby.” Buck knows he’s being snappy with her, but he’s just not in the mood right now. 

“ _Well...actually, he told me that Hen told him that she told Bobby about what you told her. About Christopher. And that they heard you and Bobby yelling before you left.”_

“Got sent home,” Buck corrected.

“ _Bobby sent you home?”_ she asks.

“No,” Buck shakes his head. “Athena did. She walked in right in the thick of it.”

Maddie is quiet for a short moment. Buck wondered if she was adopting her older sister-mother persona right that moment. He knew when it was coming. It was the same when Buck was 16 and he thought it was a good idea to get blackout drunk and go scuba diving in the lake with his stupid friends who were only friends with him because they were on the same baseball team. Maddie found him and dragged him back home where she nursed his hangover and ripped him a new asshole at the same time for his trouble.

“ _Listen Buck...I’m not going to try to tell you that you shouldn’t try to get custody of Christopher.”_

Really? Buck was surprised.

_“I’ve known so many versions of you, little brother. I’ll admit that I wasn’t there for all of it when I should’ve been, but I like to think by being here for you now, I’m somehow...making up for that. I don’t know. I didn’t know the “Buck 1.0” you always talk about. All I’ve ever seen was you, my baby brother, the sweetheart little boy who loved everyone else so deeply.”_

Why was it whenever he had a heart to heart with Maddie he felt like he was reverting back into that little boy who cried for attention from his mommy and daddy and hid in the closet in the laundry room for hours, waiting for his parents to notice he was gone, to get worried and come look for him. The only person who ever looked for him was Maddie. She always found him.

_“I’ve seen you with Eddie and Christopher. I’ve seen how much you love them and how much they love you. But more than that, for the first time in years, I’ve seen them bring out the little boy I used to know in you. The little boy who skipped school and biked for hours to go to the store and get me pads because I accidentally bled through my jeans at school. How you would save up your money from working at that janky corner store and buy brand new tulips to replant every time the neighbor kids stomped on the ones in the front yard because you knew they were mom’s favorites. Seeing you with Eddie and Christopher, it reminds me that time.”_

Buck shakes his head, holding back tears yet again. The way Maddie remembered that time...it wasn’t exactly how Buck remembered it, but he understood what she meant. He knew what it was like to have parents, but to not really have parents at the same time. In some ways, Buck looked at Maddie like she was his mother. She was older than him by a decent amount, so he just always saw her as Mother Maddie and Sister Maddie at the same time. It made losing touch with her even harder.

Because when she left the first time, it broke Buck, but he understood. She was 18; she had an amazing opportunity to study nursing at a great school, even if it was in New York and not in Pennsylvania with him. He didn’t want her to leave, but he understood why she did. Maddie’s best friend from high school, Mallory, still lived in the same town as them. She worked down at her parents pharmacy downtown. Buck stopped by there sometimes. Once Mallory asked him how Maddie was doing, was she enjoying nursing school? Was she making new friends, going to parties? It was then Buck realized that Maddie hadn’t been updating Mallory herself. It didn’t make any sense. Mallory was Maddie’s best friend, from the third grade all the way through till their senior year of high school. But Maddie had dropped her so easily? If she could drop her best friend so easily, could she do the same to him? 

When he tried to answer Mallory’s questions, he found that he didn’t really know the answers either. He just knew the vague answers Maddie had given him the couple of times a month she called home. School was good, classes were fine. She liked her apartment and her roommates and was making friends. But that was all she ever said.

And then she came back. She was wrapping up school, only a few weeks out from graduation. Buck was right in the middle of preparing for the SAT’s. This time she brought home a boyfriend. There was always something off about Doug. His mom and dad thought he was too possessive, thought his need to monopolize all of Maddie’s time was a red flag. Maddie didn’t think it was, she thought they were over-reacting. She thought it was nice that Doug wanted to spend all his time with her. She liked that she never had to worry Doug would cheat on her because they spent all their time together. Buck didn’t like the way Doug was always speaking over her. Not just Maddie, but everyone else too. 

On the night two nights before Maddie and Doug were heading back, Buck managed to spend about an hour with her alone--Doug had gone out with their dad to a bar for a “man to man” talk that Maddie initially disapproved of, but Doug insisted was fine. Buck finally had the chance to ask her all the questions Mallory had asked him years prior. 

Maddie talked about the friends she made, and when Buck asked her what they were doing once school ended she couldn’t answer him. Apparently all of the friends she made didn’t last long. Doug thought all of her friends were not good people, that they were bad influences on Maddie and he was right. When Maddie was with them, she would find herself going to parties, not studying, spending time off campus instead of focusing on what mattered most--school and her relationship.

Buck remembered when he asked her how she and Doug were going to handle the whole “long distance” thing, and Maddie had been confused.

Buck had assumed that with Maddie graduating, it meant she was coming home. He was wrong. Maddie told him she was planning on staying in New York, moving in with Doug while they both started their medical first years at the hospital. But she had promised that she would be around for Buck’s graduation.

She called sometimes, sent emails to their parents with updates. But their parents didn’t want to hear about Doug, and it seemed that that was all Maddie wanted to talk about. 

Slowly, Maddie stopped texting or calling. She stopped sending their annual Christmas postcards. When Buck got accepted into school in California, Buck called to tell her but she never picked up. He sent her (and Doug) tickets for his graduation, and texted her all the information. He asked when her flight was and said that he’d get the guest room ready for them if they were planning on staying at home.

That was finally when Maddie called him. He was so excited to hear from her, he barely even let her speak, running his mouth about how he was finally leaving home and that he couldn’t wait to start his new life. He asked her again about the flight details so he could go pick them up from the airport. He managed to save up all his money from the past six years working various minimum wage jobs and bought himself a Jeep.

Maddie then told him she wasn’t going to be able to make his graduation. She and Doug both had very important commitments coming up to the hospital and they couldn’t spend too long away. Buck told her all she had to do was come for the ceremony, just the one evening he could spend with her.

There was something in the way her voice shook when she said she couldn’t. Buck wanted to ask her if she was okay, if there was something he could do to help her. But he knew that tone. It was the Mother Maddie tone. The ‘don’t ask questions, just do as I say’ tone. Maddie hadn’t used it on him in ages. How could she? He’d barely heard from her this whole time. 

He was so surprised to hear it that he dropped the subject. He didn’t bring it up again.

After he graduated, they spoke on the phone a few more times. It was like she felt guilty for being so absent that she started texting again, asking how he was doing, how was life at college. She even started sending him Christmas cards again (with Doug). Maddie promised this time, she would be there when he graduated from school. She wouldn’t bail like she did with his high school graduation. 

She did come this time. Alone. And when Buck asked her why Doug wasn’t there she was hesitant to give him any details. But she told him how sorry she was that she had been so radio silent. Life was just so busy for her it was hard to keep up with anybody. Buck told her he understood. The day after Buck’s college graduation was the last time he ended up seeing her for nearly three and a half years. 

And as much as it killed him to admit it...Maddie existed more in the peripheral of Buck’s life than in it. 

She knew him as a kid. Her experience of him as a teenager and as an adult was shaped purely through phone calls and text messages (never video calls because Maddie never wanted Buck to see her face). The person she remembered was someone Buck hadn’t been in years.

When she moved to Los Angeles was the first time in nearly a decade that Buck felt like he actually _knew_ his sister. 

Maddie never saw Buck 1.0, and the Buck 2.0 she saw still didn’t fit her version of what she thought was the real him. Is she right? Is the version of him she’s describing the real version of him? A prototype Buck who was the best version of him? Had he been doing nothing but devolving before people like Abby and Maddie came back into his life?

Does Buck even know who he is? Not a prototype, not 1.0 or 2.0, not the chameleon who adopted the title of SEAL or Firefighter Buckley in order to feel any sort of identity. Was that what he was doing now? Trying to slip on the label of “Father” when it isn’t who he really is?

_“Buck?”_

Buck shakes his head. “I don’t even know who I am, Maddie. I’m not that little kid anymore. I’ve put on so many costumes throughout my life, I don’t know who I am when I’m not trying to _save_ everyone.”

_“Buck…”_

“No, Maddie. That’s all I’ve done since I got here. I spent all that time with Abby trying to help her with her mom, and then with Eddie…”

Buck stares off into the distance. It hits him all at once.

“Maddie, the second I met Eddie and learned of Christopher, I’ve been trying to _fix_ their problems. I thought if I could just prove to them that I was useful then maybe they…” Buck swallows, his eyes burning with how much he’d cried today. “Maybe they’d want to keep me around.”

“ _Buck, they don’t keep you around just because you do these things for them. They want you around because they love you. You have to know that.”_ Maddie’s voice is urgent. 

Buck shakes his head, groaning. “Maybe Bobby’s right. I’ll never be the person who can put aside my own stupid hero complex and actually be what Christopher needs in a father.”

“ _Bobby said that you?_ ” she snaps.

“In so many words…” Buck leans his head back against the car headrest. “It’s not like he’s wrong. I make everything about me. Maybe me trying to get custody of Christopher is just me trying to force myself permanently into their lives because that’s what _I want_.”

 _“Bobby had no right to say that to you. Buck, you_ love _those boys. I’ve seen it. I’ve seen it when we all sit down at family dinner and Eddie and Christopher are by your side. I’ve seen it when we do our catch-ups and all you can talk about is what Christopher’s learning in school or what his new movie obsession is or how Eddie’s stressed with bills or he’s having a hard time sleeping because you haven’t had time to get someone out to fix his air conditioner. You talk about them more than you talk about yourself. You talk about them like how I talk about Chimney and Carly. Buck, they_ are your family _.”_

Tears fell down his face once more. This time, they don’t escape in sobs, just gentle drops rolling down his cheeks. The light from the street lamps across the street reflect off the tear tracks.

“I miss him.” Buck’s lips wobble. “I miss them so much.”

 _“I know you do,”_ Maddie’s voice is soothing, comforting. It’s not Mother Maddie, and it’s not even Sister Maddie. It’s the Maddie he’s grown to know since she became her own person, and started her own family. Found her own voice. _“I know how you feel about them and how they feel about you. Even if you and Eddie never talked about it before. You love Christopher like he’s your son, yes?”_

“Yes, fuck, of course I do.” It’s instant--a reflex. 

He can hear Maddie’s satisfied nod. _“Then he’s your son. All you’re doing is trying to give him the life Eddie wanted for him. The life he deserves."_

Buck squeezes his eyes shut.

“You think I should do it?” He asks. He needs someone on his side. He needs his sister.

_“I think you should give it some time. Eddie’s condition is getting better. He may wake up soon.”_

“You don’t think he’ll hate me? Or think I’m trying to take Christopher away from him like his parents?” Buck whispers.

 _“He could never hate you.”_ Buck thinks of the lawsuit. _“Not truly.”_ You’re exhausting. _“He knows your heart, Buck. He would know why you feel the need to do this.”_ Really? You’re gonna make this about you, again? _“You’re not doing this for you. You’re doing it for Christopher and for Eddie. I think it’s one of the most selfless things you could do for them.”_ Also what it means to be a part of a team. 

_“Go home,”_ Maddie instructs, like she just knew Buck was sitting somewhere outside sulking. _“Get some sleep. Take a breath, little brother. Whatever you have to do, I will always be on your side. I love you. So don’t be so hard on yourself.”_

For once, Buck follows instructions.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A tiny reminder that I use italics for all phone conversations and for flashback scenes as well. thanks!

Buck sleeps in. 

It’s been a long time since he’s done that. It was lucky that yesterday was his last day before he had a couple of days off especially after the whole debacle with Bobby. He was relieved to have these days off. Still the days passing hung over him like smog. With each one that passed the more Buck was reminded that Eddie’s parents' flight date was soon approaching...and Eddie still hadn’t woken up.

He slept in till 11am that day. In his dreams, he had spent the night before with Eddie and Christopher watching _Beverly Hills Chihuahua_. Buck spent the entire evening basking in Christopher’s joyous laughter and mooning over the soft look on Eddie’s face when he looked at his son.

When Buck woke up the warm feelings lingered, only to be washed away when he remembered the reality. 

When he checks his phone there’s a text message from an unknown number.

_Eddie’s abuela gave us your number. Ramon and I have a meeting to attend on Wednesday afternoon. If you’d like, you can pick up Christopher from school. We will be back by 7pm for dinner. Please have him back by then._

Then another text underneath as if to remind Buck for good measure, _Our flight is booked for Friday evening._

Buck replies back instantly with an enthusiastic yes. He had to admit there was a part of him (actually a large part) that didn’t believe Helena would ever let Buck see Christopher. He fully expected her to ignore his request and leave Buck hanging.

Then it hits him. He has a 24 hour shift scheduled on Wednesday starting that morning. 

Fuck.

Buck bites his lip, rolls out of bed and gets dressed before heading to the station. He figures he has less of a chance of getting beaten up if he shows up at work before asking. Bobby can’t bring up their personal shit if they’re surrounded by the entire fire house. 

“Buck?” Hen asks. She must’ve been scheduled for this shift too. He doesn’t see Chimney anywhere.

Bobby, standing a few feet away talking to Jones, hears her and turns around. His eyes narrow, but he doesn’t say anything. He just walks forward, standing beside Hen and crosses his arms.

Buck grits his teeth, swallows his pride and says in a small voice. “Eddie’s parents are letting me have the afternoon with Christopher on Wednesday.”

“You have a shift on Wednesday,” Bobby says, eyeing Buck’s duffel bag.

“I-I know,” Buck stammers. He hates that whenever Bobby gets like this, Buck’s usual first reaction is to hunch over, make himself smaller, avert his eyes and grovel. “I came to ask if there was any way I could work that shift today and take Wednesday off.”

Hen’s brow furrows. “Didn’t you initially ask for today off because you and Eddie were going to watch that baseball game tonight?”

Buck had _completely_ forgotten about that. Buck didn’t even particularly care for baseball, he played it when he was younger, but that was mostly to appease his dad. But Eddie _loved_ it, and Buck wanted to be there and see his face light up and jumped to his feet and cheered when his team scored. He always cracked up over Eddie’s pumped face, and Eddie would shove him playfully, sometimes full-on wrestling, not unlike some that he did with Christopher from time to time. Eddie always held himself back when it came to play-wrestling with Christopher, and any time he did the same with Buck he always remembered that evening in the kitchen with a flash of heat. _I could take you._

They planned this so long ago, and so much had changed since then. Buck didn’t care at all anymore.

He looks Bobby in the eye. “Christopher’s more important.”

Hen looks at Bobby, who studies Buck closely. Buck forces himself not to back down, not to flick his eyes away from Bobby, to not show just how much he was relying on Bobby to let him switch his schedule. He didn’t know what he would do if Bobby said no, and Buck missed his last chance to see Christopher before--

“Okay,” Bobby says suddenly. “Go get changed.”

_Wait, really?_

“Seriously?” Buck asks, not even bothering to hide his surprise--and his relief--the smile already forcing itself onto his face.

Bobby gives him a look that asks ‘do you really want to dispute this right now?’. Buck backs off and rushes off to the locker room but not before turning around saying thank you to Bobby.

The older man just nods.

Hen corners him in the locker room, before he leaves to go upstairs.

He doesn’t blame Hen, not really. He knew she was trying to be helpful by telling Bobby. Hen, just like everyone else on this team, liked to see what they wanted to when it came to Buck and Bobby’s relationship. 

“Buck, I--”

“I’m not mad,” Buck says before she can finish. 

She shakes her head. “I should’ve known that this would happen. I know that you and Bobby walk this fine line between family and colleagues but I just.” She lowers her head. “I thought he should know how much you were doing for Christopher. I thought he would be…”

_On your side._

Buck nods. “Yeah, me too.” And wasn’t that just the kicker? Because to Hen, she’d only ever seen the supportive side of Bobby. When she wanted to adopt, he was happy for her, confident in her capability even without Karen’s extensive list. And when Hen risked a man’s life and her job and the reputation of the department by performing surgery above her grade, she was congratulated. It was an amazing feat, Buck knew that, but to see how Bobby didn’t have a single word to say about _her_ reckless decision just rubbed him the wrong way. He kept it to himself because he was happy for Hen. He didn’t want to make it about himself or take any of the positive attention away from her. 

She _deserved_ it. 

And all it did was further cement to Buck that he didn’t.

Hen squeezes his shoulder. “I don’t know what’s going on in Bobby’s head, but I just want you to know that I _am_ on your side, okay? I’m on Eddie and Christopher’s side. For as long as I’ve known you Buck, I’ve seen you grow from ‘as far as I’m concerned the world began when I was born’ to someone who goes to the ends of the Earth for the people he loves.”

Buck ducked his head, trying not to let her see how much her words were affecting him. He didn’t come here to cry today, he came to work and let that sweet rush of adrenaline help him forget about the shit show that was his life. 

He sniffs. “Thanks, Hen.”

She nods and pats his shoulder again. Hen lingers by his side the rest of the day, acting as a buffer between him and Bobby, throwing out little words of encouragement while on calls. A “nice job, Buckaroo!” when he wrenched the door off a car off and a “we got our best boy on the case” to a woman she was checking over for injuries before Buck went back to rescue her son. 

It put a smile on Buck’s face, knowing he had another sister on his side. 

*

Wednesday rolls around. Eddie hasn’t opened his eyes yet.

Buck hasn’t figured out what he wanted to do with Christopher this afternoon. At first he thought they might go visit Eddie for a bit, but the more he thought about it the more he thought maybe what they need is an outing away from the hospital. Maybe something less heavy. If Buck needed it, he was sure Christopher did as well.

He decided he would ask Christopher first what he wanted to do, and if the boy didn’t have anything in particular, then Buck would take him to the museum or the zoo. Those were two of the boy’s favorite places, and they had seasonal passes for both.

Buck got to Christopher’s school early that afternoon, several hours early. He even went back to the office to check if he’d been checked out again before he had a chance to pick him up and was relieved when the same secretary told him Chris was still in 5th period science.

He sat in his car and waited until the bell rang before going out to his usual spot to wait for him.

Sitting in his car, bored and instead researching the mating cycles of beluga whales for hours was worth it to see the massive smile on Christopher’s face when he sees Buck standing there.

“BUCK!” Christopher screams with joy so loudly that the other students and parents around him startle, looking over as Buck runs towards him and scoops up the little boy, crutches and all into his arms. 

“Buddy!” Buck laughs so he doesn’t cry. “I missed you so much!”

Christopher squeezes Buck as tight as his nine year old muscles would let him. He buries his face in Christopher’s curls, breathing in that distinct kid smell and the Downy laundry detergent Eddie used. 

“What are you doing here?” Christopher asks. Buck makes to set him down, but Christopher doesn’t loosen his grip across his shoulders. Buck just shrugs and carries Christopher and his backpack off to the Jeep. 

“Well...I’m spending time with my Christopher today!” Buck cheers, buckling Christopher into the booster seat he got for his car. The kid didn’t really need it much anymore, but Buck still got it anyway.

“Grandma and grandpa let you?” Christopher asks. It’s innocent, it’s full of curiosity, but it still strikes Buck how much he was picking up on regarding this whole situation. Buck had been trying not to make it sound to Christopher like his grandparents were the ones stopping them from seeing each other. Apparently he picked up on it anyway.

Buck says, “I had the afternoon free and your grandparents called me to come spend the afternoon with you.”

“Oh yeah,” Christopher nods. “They said they had to run errands to get ready for this weekend.”

When they leave. 

Buck gets into the front seat. Changing the subject he asks, “Anything you want to do for fun this afternoon?”

“You mean no homework?” Christopher perks up. 

Buck shakes his head. “For today, no homework. We can do anything you want to do today. Want to go to the museum? The zoo? The aquarium? Get ice cream? Anything you want.”

Christopher thinks about, pausing for a long minute. Buck looks at him through the rear-view mirror. Whatever it was, Christopher was thinking about it hard.

“Anywhere?” he eventually asks. It doesn’t have it’s unusual enthusiasm, in fact, Christopher almost sounds reluctant. 

Buck reaches back and pats Christopher’s knee. “Absolutely anywhere, buddy.”

Christopher nods, accepting Buck’s words of reassurance easily before he asks quietly. “Can we go to the beach?”

Buck’s thankful they were stopped at a stoplight. He’s not sure how he would’ve reacted if he had been driving. A pulse of anxiety throbs in his chest. He hadn’t been anywhere near the beach in a while, not since the tsunami. He knows Christopher hasn’t either. Up until now, the closest he’d been to the beach was when they’d been called to an emergency a few blocks ahead of the beach. Even then, Bobby drove the truck to make sure they were never in view of the waves. Buck never brought it up to him, but he knew Bobby did that on purpose.

“You, uh, you want to go to the beach?”

“Yeah,” Christopher affirms in a small voice. Buck hates that Christopher looks _worried_ asking him about this. He never wants Christopher to be afraid to talk to him, or tell him about anything.

“Sure,” Buck says ultimately. “We can go there. Are you okay telling me why?”

Christopher shrugs. “I haven’t been there in a long time.”

Buck looks back over the road. The light has turned green. He pulls onto the freeway and sets out towards the beach. 

“Yeah,” Buck agrees. “To the beach it is.”

During the drive, Buck plugs in Christopher’s playlist. 

“What do you feel like listening to today?” Buck asks. “We got the _Moana_ soundtrack, the _Hamilton_ soundtrack, the _Spirit_ soundtrack--”

“Spirit!” Christopher cheers. 

Buck laughs. “Excellent choice, as always.” Christopher practically beams. “Here we go.”

They listen to it on the way to the beach. Christopher sings along and kicks his legs. Buck watches him with a smile on his face. This little boy truly was the sweetest. It did concern him that Christopher still didn’t seem to want to tell him the truth about why he wanted to go to the beach. As far as he knew, he’d never asked Eddie to go to the beach. Or if he had, they hadn’t told him about it.

As they came upon the streets leading to the beach, sweat started to drip down Buck’s forehead even with the air conditioner on full-blast. His thumbs tapped fast and off-beat against the steering wheel. When the water pulled into view, Buck forced himself to keep his eyes on the road and not on the water-line. He peeked a look at Christopher. He had a hand to his face and was looking pensively out the window.

_“How was the parent-teacher conference?” Buck asks, lounging against the couch while Eddie munched on some butter popcorn. They were watching some comedy that wasn’t all that funny. Unwinding after a long day._

_“It was fine,” Eddie shrugs. “The teachers had the worst corny jokes.”_

_“Like why was six afraid of seven?”_

_“No,” Eddie shoves his calf lightly. The electricity of Eddie’s touch makes Buck feel like he’d walked around in socks on a fluffy carpet all day. “That’s too corny even for them.”_

_Buck chuckles. “I’m sure some of them were good.”_

_“They weren’t. I hate puns.”_

_Buck wrinkles his nose. “Yeah, they’re not my favorite either. I much prefer Christopher’s knock-knock jokes.”_

_Eddie groans. “If I have to hear orange you glad I didn’t say banana one more time--”_

_Buck throws his head back and laughs. It’s huge and hearty and fills his chest. Some tears even spring to his eyes. It’s his distorted vision that he blames when he thinks about the dazed look on Eddie’s face he caught just a glimpse of before it disappears._

_Buck finally manages to calm down and throws a palm onto Eddie’s shin. “That’s my favorite one.”_

_Eddie shakes his head, his carefully schooled expression back. “Yeah. There was one teacher who didn’t make a school pun. And then I was stupid and asked her why she didn’t make a pun.”_

_“Oh man, Eddie, come on. That’s your own fault.”_

_The side of Eddie’s mouth lifts. “Yeah. Actually, that teacher did say something else.”_

_“Like what?”_

_“She told me that Christopher keeps telling the other kids in class that tsunami’s aren’t a big deal.”_

_Buck’s movement stills. He looks over at Eddie only to find him looking pensive._

_“Eddie, I’m sorry--”_

_Eddie jerks his chin back, frowning. “Why are you sorry?”_

_Buck stammers. “Uh, I-I...I don’t know?”_

_“It wasn’t disrupting the class. I asked the teacher and they were doing a unit on earthquakes and tsunamis because of recent events and apparently Christopher was happy to chime in all he knew about them.”_

_Buck had been obsessed with natural disasters shortly following the time when he and Christopher were caught in it. Reading about the science behind it, the rarity of it and accounts of other people who’d lived through it first hand helped Buck to process it--compartmentalize it. Buck knew that Eddie and Christopher had a difficult time with it, what with Christopher dreaming about Shannon being out there with them._

_“I probably shouldn’t have been reading him all those wikipedia articles,” Buck says, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly._

_Eddie shakes his head. “It just took me by surprise. I knew he had been doing better. We hadn’t had to visit his child psychologist every week, shrunk our visits down to once every two months. He stopped having nightmares about it--and Shannon.”_

_The itch of guilt scratched at his rib cage again, tiny but starting to build. Buck had worked hard to squash that feeling, but it still reared its head every now and again--especially whenever Eddie or Christopher talked about that time._

_“His therapist used to say that all Chris would talk about was how much fun he had at the pier. And the real trauma came out in the drawings. That’s how he communicated. That’s how I found out that he was seeing Shannon in his dreams.”_

_Buck listened patiently. He still hated himself for getting so distracted with the lawsuit he didn’t even realize how much Eddie and Christopher needed him there._

_“So when his teacher said that Christopher said that they were no big deal... how he talked about it so easily, like it was just another day he had--”_

_“I didn’t mean to make it seem like it wasn’t serious,” Buck interjects, feeling like he needed to say something, even though he didn’t really even know what to say._

_“But that’s the thing, right?” Eddie asks, fully turning to him. “Somehow, you managed to take what should’ve been the single most traumatic experience of his life, next to losing his mom, and you made it so that when he thinks back on it, he remembers it as no big deal.”_

_Buck sucks his bottom lip in, turning away from Eddie. “I shouldn’t have even brought him there in the first place.”_

_Eddie snatches Buck's hand and squeezes it hard. “_ Ignoring _the stupid and untrue comment you just made...you did more than just save his life, you made him feel safe.”_

_Buck has a hard time meeting his eyes, but Eddie maneuvers his head so that no matter where Buck turns, he’s looking into Eddie’s eyes._

_He squeezes both of Buck’s hands now. His voice is uncharacteristically soft. “I know you were scared. If it had been me I would’ve been shitting my pants.”_

_“Who says I’m not still?” Buck asks wearily._

_Eddie gives a dry chuckle. “See what I mean? And yet Christopher thinks you’re his big bad Buck who isn’t scared of anything, and can beat back a tsunami. He thinks you’re stronger than a natural disaster.”_

_“No, he doesn’t.”_

_“You wanna bet?” Eddie sits up. “A hundred dollars. I’ll go wake him up and ask him right now and you’ll be paying for my new hub caps.” Eddie stands up, but Buck grabs his forearm and pulls him back down._

_There’s a small smile back on Buck’s face. “Alright, I get it. But Eddie...what I did...I wasn’t trying to be a hero. Really.”_

_“I know you weren’t,” Eddie’s fingers hover over Buck’s hand. A phantom brush of fingertips, sparking and ticklish. “You were just being you. And I think that’s pretty damn heroic.”_

“Bucky?”

Buck shakes his head, realizing they’d been sitting in the parking lot just starting out the window for quite some time.

“Sorry, Chris,” Buck says.

Chris leans forward, tapping Buck’s arm. “We can leave if you want to.”

Buck has never known a kinder soul than Christopher.

“No, buddy, we don’t have to do that,” Buck leans over, unbuckling his seatbelt. “I was just...I was remembering something your dad told me.”

Christopher nods like it’s something that happens to him all the time. He hopes it does anyway.

He helps Christopher out of the car and onto the gravel, pulling out his crutches right after.

“What did Dad tell you?” Christopher asks.

Buck smiles. “Just that you were telling your classmates that tsunamis aren’t a big deal.”

“They aren’t!” Christopher giggles. “Not if you’re there.”

Buck smiles, his heart filled to the brim with love for this little boy. Together they walk side by side to the edge where the parking lot meets sand. Neither take the final step forward.

Buck licks his lips, the salt of the sea air on his tongue. He looks at Chris, staring hard at the ocean. They watch the waves from a distance, crashing forward, rushing back. Christopher no longer looks excited to be here.

“Chris?”

“Yeah?”

“Will you hold my hand?”

Christopher looks up at him, his eyes sharp, something Buck didn’t see too often in him. An understanding passes between them.

Christopher passes Buck his left crutch and Buck passes it to his other hand. Christopher then holds out his hand.

Buck takes it and together, they’re able to step onto the sand.

It’s slow going for them. They don’t rush. They don’t get too near the water. It’s slightly windy that day and some of the sea spray catches Buck in the face. He knows his hair will smell like it later. 

Buck liked to keep his own towels in his duffel bag in the car for when he showered at the station. He took them with them today and spread them out on the sand. Chris and Buck sat together, taking in the sun and the breeze.

“Hey Buck?” Christopher asks after a minute.

“Yeah?”

“Do you know how to build sand-castles?” 

Buck thinks about it. He probably could, not that he knew many tactics on how to make those massive architectural sand-castles that people in the world record books could make.

“Yeah, why?”

Christopher shrugs. “One time, Mommy and Daddy took me to the beach, and we made sand castles.”

Buck’s heart sinks. “In Texas?”

“No. Here.”

So it was after Shannon came back? Buck remembers the picture of Shannon and Christopher Eddie used to have by the door. No wonder Christopher dreamed about her drowning so much. 

“It was the last time we were all together before she went away again,” Christopher supplies, little fingers fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. It’s a lime green shirt with stripes this time. Not yellow, but close enough.

Buck looks at Christopher and back over the horizon. 

He tugs the little boy close, wrapping his arm around him. For a while they sit like that, just holding Christopher to his chest. 

“You wanna build some sandcastles?” Buck asks eventually.

Christopher nods enthusiastically, flailing his arms a bit in a way that makes Buck laugh with mirth.

They race off, finding a spot close enough to the water to get the sand sticky, but far enough away that the liquid doesn’t reach them.

They build a house first, and Christopher digs a moat around it. He then starts building a blob of something Buck can’t really figure out and when he asks, Christopher squeals. “It’s a dinosaur! To protect the moat!”

Buck gasps. “That’s an amazing idea! How come I didn’t think of that?”

Christopher laughs and together they set out making their entire sand village complete with a few more houses, a restaurant, a firehouse and a firetruck. 

After a while Buck just sits back in the sand and lets Christopher continue building whatever else he likes. 

Buck looks over the water. The waves rush in his ears, background noise to Christopher’s mutterings as he constructs his buildings. 

He remembers the weight of the water, but not when it first crashed into them. It was heaviest when Buck had jumped off the ladder truck in search of Christopher. Buck had never been afraid of water in his life. He used to swim and surf and wakeboard all the time during the summer he spent in South America. He never particularly liked the taste of salt in his mouth or how crunchy it made his hair, but he enjoyed the cool waves on his skin. After the tsunami, he hadn’t been afraid of water per se, not like how Eddie told him Christopher refused to take a shower for a week after the tsunami and he had to give him sponge baths before he eventually allowed showers and baths as long as Eddie was there supervising the whole time. Buck was okay with water. He could shower, he could wash his hands. He could deal with the rain and if his job required him to jump into a pool--he could do it. 

But the beach. It was just the memory of standing on the farthest end of the pier, looking as the waves disappeared, drawing back and amassing into this….monolith of water. The instant it clicked in Buck’s brain--the second before he hauled Christopher over his shoulder and ran-- he knew that there would be no escaping the wave. It was that pit of knowledge that lodged itself in Buck’s brain. There was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. There was nothing he could do. All his training, all his muscles--they were all useless. 

He never told anybody, but for all his adrenaline, for all he did to save Christopher and the other people on the pier, when he saw that wave rushing towards them on the horizon, he knew they were going to die. He knew how rare it was for people to survive tsunamis, he knew it without even having to do any research. If they weren’t drowned instantly, the debris alone could kill them. So when the water hit him, he accepted that his time had come. The ladder truck bombing hadn’t taken him out, and neither had the pulmonary embolism, and that was because he was always meant to be swept off the earth by this goddamn tsunami. He wouldn’t die by fire, like he always thought, but instead by water.

The only thing that kept him fighting was Christopher. If there was even a .0001% chance that Christopher had survived the initial hit, then Buck needed to give everything he had to make sure he got Christopher home to his dad.

That was what made his heart race as he sat on the beach, looking out over that familiar horizon. There was no giant wave this time. Just some clouds, a few seagulls and the sun. And yet, Buck could see the wave clear as day. And the knowing feeling of “we’re going to die” never left. Even if he knew the chances of another tsunami hitting were extremely unlikely at this point. Buck checked the seismic records of the west coast often enough. 

But Buck had to admit...he missed the water. Feeling the foam around his feet, cool sand slipping between his toes. He missed splashing, and dunking. He missed floating without care.

“Do you want to go in the water?” Buck asks, turning to Christopher who seemed content with all he’d created for his sandcastle town.

“We don’t have our bathing suits,” Christopher says with a stilted laugh.

Buck shrugs. “We can just put our toes in. How does that sound?”

Christopher looks hesitant. 

“Only if you want to,” Buck says instantly. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

Christopher slowly gets to his feet, wobbly and off balance. He reaches for Buck’s hand. Buck pretends that Christopher hauls him up, oohing and awing about how strong Christopher was getting and how he could totally beat him in a fight.

They walked slowly to the edge of the water and Buck bent down to roll up the seams of Christopher’s pants before pushing his own up. They start off slow, only walking to the edge of the darkened sand, and waiting for the waves to come to them. 

The water pulls forward and rushes back a few times before it finally goes as far as to reach their toes. Christopher squeals a bit and clutches Buck’s hand. They step a little bit closer, and this time when the waves tumble over their feet it covers them completely.

Buck’s heart thumps erratically. He breathes out in small huffs, focusing on keeping himself steady for Christopher. The little boy seems to be taking this better than him. In fact, he looks like he’s having a good time, and for that Buck is eternally grateful.

“It’s not so bad, huh?” Buck asks.

Christopher giggles again, a mischievous look on his face and then he bends down to the water and flicks some right at Buck.

Buck gasps with fake outrage. “Christopher Diaz!”

Chris laughs loudly, throwing his head back and bending down yet again to splash more water towards Buck.

“Oh you want to have a battle?” Buck challenges. Christopher’s answering laugh is positively delighted. “It’s on!”

Buck lightly splashes water at Christopher. It dampens the ends of his pants a little but the kid didn’t look bothered at all. Buck passes him one of his crutches and Christopher uses it for balance to bend down and splash more water at Buck who laughs just as loudly. Soon he’s soaked, and Buck whisks Christopher up into his arms, moving further into the water. Christopher hugs him tight, arms patting Buck’s back. 

Buck is knee deep in the water now and his hand is gently cradling the back of Christopher’s head. He hugs him softly for a long moment before shifting Christopher to his side and letting him look out at the water. They’re not that deep, but they can see waves, slightly bigger waves building and crashing in the distance. There’s a few people out there. Some on paddle boats, a few in inner tubes. Christopher nudges Buck to be let down.

“Are you sure?” Buck asks seriously and Christopher nods. Buck sets him down gently. The water goes up to Christopher’s upper thighs and he clutches tight to Buck’s waist. Buck has his hand balled up in the back of Christopher’s shirt, just like he had when they had been sitting on the bench at the pier.

It’s a calm day. The water doesn’t get too rough and Buck whispers a silent thank you. They stand there, letting the water soak their legs. For the first time since Buck had caught a glimpse of the water that day, the “I’m going to die” feeling shrinks away. Instead, with Christopher pressed up against him and the cool water at their feet, Buck looks at Christopher’s face and thinks “I’m going to live for you.”

*

The last thing that Buck expected was for leaving the beach to be harder than _going_ to the beach. 

Christopher’s mood sours entirely when Buck checks the time sometime after they got out of the water and dried off, and sees that it’s almost time for Christopher to be back with grandparents. As soon as Buck starts to pack the car, Christopher plants himself on the ground and struggles when Buck tries to put him in the car.

“I don’t want to leave,” Christopher whines, tears starting to form in his eyes.

Buck bends down so he can look at Christopher face to face. “It’s okay, buddy. We can always come back later.”

“It won’t be the same!” 

“Tell you what,” Buck sucks in his bottom lip, wondering if it was even a good idea to say this in the first place. “When your daddy wakes up, we’ll all come back together. We’ll make sandcastles, and this time we’ll bring our swimsuits and we can all go in the water. We’ll rent a surfboard and you can show off your skills.”

Christopher still doesn’t look happy. “What if Daddy never wakes up?”

“Hey now,” Buck squeezes Christopher’s shoulders. “What happened to that endless Christopher Diaz positivity?”

Christopher shrugs. Buck regards him quietly. Honestly, it wasn’t fair to expect Christopher to be positive all the time. As much he was naturally dispositioned towards optimism, anyone in this situation would feel worried, especially since weeks had passed and Eddie still didn’t show signs of waking up fully just yet.

“Christopher,” Buck starts. “I want you to know that it’s alright to not feel happy or hopeful all of the time. Sometimes sadness can be really heavy. You remember? Like from _Inside Out_?”

Christopher nods, seemingly understanding it.

“It’s okay to feel however you feel. You don’t ever have to hide that from me or worry about how I will react, okay?” Buck tells him again. 

Christopher’s eyes flicker up to his and away again. “I don’t want to go home.”

Buck figured that was it. “Why not, buddy? Your grandma is making dinner and I’m sure they missed you.”

“I don’t want to go home because my room is empty,” Christopher says. Buck’s face falls.

“What?”

“Grandma and grandpa packed up my room and they put it in the mail,” Christopher explains, his voice cracking with each word he speaks. “We’re going to Texas but I don’t want to go.”

Buck draws him forward. “It’s just for a little while. They just want you to be with the rest of your family while you wait for your dad to wake up.”

It’s a weak excuse. Christopher doesn’t look like he buys it either. 

“We have Tia Pepa and Abuela here though,” Christopher argues. It’s the same argument they’ve all heard Eddie use against his parents time and time again. “A-And Daddy’s here.” Christopher looks up at him with the most heartbreaking eyes. “You’re here.”

Buck bites his tongue hard enough to draw blood. He knows the anger welling up inside him would not be productive at all in that moment. 

“It won’t be forever,” is the only thing Buck can think to tell him, but even he doesn’t know if it’s the truth. 

Christopher doesn’t cheer up, even when Buck manages to get him in the car, and they play another Disney soundtrack while they drive back, he doesn’t smile or sing along. He has Christopher’s playlist on shuffle, and that’s a mistake because as soon as “Remember Me” from _Coco_ starts playing Christopher starts sobbing in the backseat. 

They’re nearly to Eddie’s house, but Buck has no choice but to pull over on one of the residential streets. He gets into the backseat with Christopher and holds the little boy in his arms as he cries. 

Christopher’s face is buried in Buck’s chest, but he still hears it when Christopher’s wet voice says, “Don’t leave like mommy and daddy.”

Buck loses the battle against his own tears and does his best to hide them from Christopher even though he’s certain the boy can feel his tears dripping onto his skin.

Eventually Buck has to get back in the car and keep driving. It’s getting late, already 20 minutes past the time Buck said he would get Christopher home.

By the time he pulls up into Eddie’s driveway, he sees both of Eddie’s parents quickly walking out. Helena has a phone to her ear and Buck hears her saying “never mind, they just arrived. Sorry to bother you” before she stows her phone in her pocket.

Before Buck can even make it to the other side of the car, Eddie’s parents have Christopher out of the car and walk back into the house.

They slam the door shut right as Buck makes to follow them. He stares at Eddie’s closed door.

He didn’t even get to say goodbye.

*

The days count down. There’s only two more left before Eddie’s parents were leaving with Christopher. He promises himself he’ll try to go over and say goodbye before their flight leaves on Friday evening.

Buck spends both days at work, and both nights sitting at Eddie’s bedside, begging him to wake up.

He doesn’t.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for some light sexual content in this chapter

Eddie can sometimes hear whispers in his head. Voices swirl around between his ears but he only catches a few words at a time. Sometimes he hears names. Some names louder than others. Christopher. Buck.

He can feel his body now. It’s heavy, but he can feel when people touch him. He doesn’t exactly know what they’re doing to him, or who’s touching him, but he feels it all the same.

Inside his head, he’s awake, floating in darkness.

Sometimes he falls asleep, and never wants to wake up. In his dreams, he remembers his life. He remembers moving to California, with Christopher, and he remembers meeting the 118. Meeting Buck.

He remembers some of the calls they went on, he remembers Shannon coming back, Shannon leaving again. He remembers her asking for a divorce; he remembers her dying. 

He remembers the earthquake, and the tsunami, and the lawsuit and the street fighting. He remembers the well collapsing on top of him, and he remembers the train car almost tipping over and nearly killing Buck.

But then...other things start to seep into his mind. They fill the cracks in his memory, and Eddie wonders if what he remembers is real, or if it’s his mind dreaming up what he _wishes_ was real.

Like every time he wakes in his mindscape, he finds himself back in his house, in his bed. This time however, he’s not alone. There’s a man laying next to him, a broad shouldered, pale skinned man. He’s not wearing a shirt, and his arms are up and crossed under the pillow. His biceps are thick and rounded, a tattooed double ringed band peeping out from the fabric of the pillow. He has curly dirty blonde hair, and the sun from his window makes it sparkle. 

The blanket is pushed down to the man’s waist. He’s shirtless but Eddie can see he’s wearing bottoms. Eddie freezes, recognizing the body of the man laying next to him. Buck.

In all of their years as friends, it had taken them a while before Eddie threw caution to the wind and just let Buck sleep in his bed. The man used to practically own their couch, but after a while, it was just easier on both of them if Buck slept next to him. 

It was then that Eddie noticed his own lack of clothes. That was the boundary that the two of them never crossed. They never took off too many clothes, always wearing a shirt or tank top to sleep and they never touched. Even if Eddie ached to. There was an invisible line on Eddie’s bed that both men adhered to, never crossing, never merging.

But somehow Eddie had woken up with his arm around Buck’s lower back. His fingers pressed gently to the skin just above the waistband of Buck’s pants. 

Fuck. Eddie had crossed the unspoken demilitarized zone, and needed to retreat before he was found out. Slowly, Eddie unsticks the skin of his arm from Buck’s back. In the warmth of the morning, it peels like a bandaid and Buck stirs.

 _Shit_ , Eddie pulls away--quickly this time and turns around, pretending he was just tossing and turning in his sleep. He hears a grumble from behind him, a dip and turn of a body next to him, and suddenly, Eddie’s being pulled back against a thick chest, the arm with the band wrapping around Eddie’s midsection and squeezing. 

Heat flares on Eddie’s face, panic bubbling in his chest. What was happening? The hand attached to the arm starts slowly stroking Eddie’s stomach, and it’s all he can do not to suck his stomach in. There’s warm breath on his neck and a face buried in his shoulder. Lower bodies aligned.

It feels so good, but Eddie can’t relax. Not with Buck plastered around him with not an inch of him not touching Eddie in some way.

Buck’s hand comes up from Eddie’s stomach, trailing fire across his naked skin and cups a hand to Eddie’s pec. His thumb flicks Eddie’s right nipple just as a set of lips press into the soft spot of Eddie’s collarbone and Eddie jerks so hard he falls off the bed.

Buck springs up in bed, poking his head over the side of Eddie’s mattress to stare down at the older man who was sprawled out comically on the floor. Their wide eyes lock together.

Buck bursts out laughing and slides himself off the bed, bringing his entire body to rest alongside Eddie’s. He cups Eddie’s face in his hands, and Eddie is frozen, looking up at Buck who is haloed in a golden ring of light. His face descends and Eddie is helpless but to let Buck kiss his lips.

Eddie lets the wave of pleasure and heat roll through his body. His open eyes roll back in his head before fluttering shut. Buck smiles against his lips and it tastes like sweet mint--Eddie’s favorite flavor. Buck pulls back with a muted pop off his lips. Eddie finds himself leaning up, chasing after Buck’s sweet taste.

When he meets nothing but air, his eyes slide open and he sees Buck grinning at him from above. Buck winks before standing up, leaving Eddie a dazed, slightly horny mess on the floor. 

It’s only once Buck slips into the master bathroom that Eddie realizes what just happened. He’d slept in the same bed with Buck, cuddled with him and then Buck kissed Eddie so soundly he forgot his own damn name. 

Holy _shit._ Eddie was back on his feet in seconds, pacing the floor of his room. 

Fuck fuck _fuck_ okay this was happening. Was it happening?

He turns to his dresser mirror and sees himself, clad in only his underwear. Upon closer inspection, he sees his neck is covered in hickeys, soft pink scratch marks covered his waist and if turned around, he could see them all up his back too.

The implications of the marks along his body send a thrill of heat down his spine to his groin. 

Holy mother of god, did they--? Did he and Buck _fu_ \--

Eddie’s eye catches on a photo tucked between the wooden frame of the mirror. It’s a photo of Eddie, Buck and Christopher all clad in fancy suits. Buck and Eddie were standing, their arms around each other’s waists and Buck had two fingers under Eddie’s chin, tilting his cheek up as he pressed a grinning kiss against Eddie’s cheek. Eddie looked like he was bashfully trying to pull away but the tight grip he held on Buck’s waist suggested the opposite. Chris was between them, looking the same but slightly older. He had black glasses on instead of his usual red, and he was looking up at him and Buck with the biggest smile Eddie had ever seen. Eddie had his free hand pressing Chris close to him and Buck. On both of their left hands was a silver ring.

Eddie threw his hand up in front of his face. The same ring sat there, glimmering with the light. 

He and Buck were married? He looks back at the wedding photo. More than Buck’s face, Eddie stares at his own. He looks...fuck he looks so _happy_. His own happiness should make him happy, right? Instead, all he feels is a sinking feeling. A resentment towards himself for getting to live that, and the Eddie that he was now didn’t. It was some sort of convoluted fear of missing out, except he hadn’t missed out. He just couldn’t remember any of it. 

He flinches hard when Buck comes out of the shower, clad in only a towel and wraps his arms around Eddie’s waist from behind. He hadn’t even heard the water turn on or off.

Buck chuckles into his neck. Eddie has to resist letting his eyes roll back in his skull yet again. 

“Skittish this morning, huh?” Buck laughs, kissing his neck. Eddie involuntary snaps his head and spins out of Buck’s hold. 

“Uh, yeah,” Eddie manages to get out. “I’m just…”

“Speechless?” Buck nods, a satisfied and annoyingly sexy smirk coming over his face. “Yeah...I would be too after the way I rocked your world last night.”

Eddie chokes.

All at once Eddie feels an ache in his core, between his legs and the image of himself on his back nearly knocks him off his feet.

Had Eddie--? Had Buck--? 

A full body blush takes over him. Once he manages to catch his breath, he sees the way Buck beams so hard it looks like the smile might fly off his face. 

Buck saunters towards him, tugging him close by the waistband of his boxers. The snap of it rings in Eddie’s ear as Buck whispers. “It’s hot seeing you get all shy like you weren’t begging--”

“ _O_ _kay_!” Eddie springs back, lunging over to his closet and yanking on some sweats and a shirt before dashing out of the room, face burning at the sound of Buck’s boisterous laughter following him down the hall.

Christopher comes out of his room, nearly running into Eddie. “Morning, Dad!”

Eddie stops in his tracks. Christopher looks even older than he did in the wedding photo. The prominent features, the sweet eyes and the buck-teeth were still there, but he was taller, and some of the baby fat on his cheeks was slimming. He looked like a preteen, not like the kid Eddie remembered.

How much of Christopher’s life had he missed? Had he just fast forwarded to the good stuff and missed all of the moments along the way?

“Morning,” he says as Christopher walks up to him and hugs him and Eddie lets himself sink into it, even though it ends just a little soon for his liking. 

“I just finished showering and brushing my teeth. Ready for the morning workout?” Christopher asks.

Oh right. Eddie makes towards the living room, pushing aside the table and gets ready for his push ups.

“Wait for me, Diazes!” Buck comes bounding up to them, thankfully clothed, and Eddie instinctually makes room for him on the ground. Eddie starts on his pushups and Buck settles for some crunches beside him as Chris does his own version of pushups. His coordination has improved a lot, Eddie notes. 

After their workout, Buck joins Eddie and Christopher for breakfast, which in and of itself isn’t unusual in the slightest, but Eddie can’t help staring back and forth between Buck’s face and the ring on Buck’s finger--Eddie’s finger too. Buck catches his eye once, winks at him again and Eddie nearly smashes his burning face into his food.

Christopher disappears into his room for a little while afterwards while Buck and Eddie clean the kitchen in awkward silence. Eddie just...doesn’t know what to say to Buck. He doesn’t remember marrying Buck, let alone telling him of his feelings. 

Because he did have feelings for him. He had... _big_ feelings for Buck. And he had reason to believe Buck had feelings for him too, just from the way Buck touched him so tenderly, the way he looked at him, the way he spoke about Eddie and Christopher like he planned to be a part of their world for the rest of their lives.

But they never spoke it out loud. Eddie never told Buck to his face. Begrudgingly, he had hoped that the looks, and the way Eddie invited Buck into every aspect of their family, and the way he touched Buck’s shoulder just shy of his neck, would be enough to get Buck to stay with them forever.

He vaguely remembers Buck crouched in front of him while Eddie sat on the couch. 

_“That’s just who I am. The guy who lets everything pass him by because he’s too fucking afraid of not being enough. I lost Christopher and I lost yo--”_

You. _It hangs in the air. Buck looks stricken. He knows as well as Eddie what they could’ve had together. In another life maybe. One where Eddie wasn’t Eddie, but someone who was worthy of a kid like Chris. Worthy of the love of someone like Buck._

That wasn’t real, Eddie realizes. That other life he lived. It wasn’t real. 

Was _this_ real life? 

Buck places a hand on Eddie’s lower back. Eddie flinches again and Buck pulls away quickly.

“Hey, Eddie,” Buck starts gently. “Are you okay? You’ve been acting weird all morning.”

Eddie nods, dismissing it like he does everything else that makes him even vaguely uncomfortable. “M’fine.”

Buck is looking at him with his all-knowing expression. It’s the one Eddie knows all too well, where Buck looks confused, but really he was just assessing everything, coming up with his own conclusions. Ones that usually were correct. He was perceptive like that, just like Christopher. How was it that someone like Eddie, a closed-book if he ever knew one, ended up surrounded by people who could read his moods and actions as easily if he shouted them through a bull-horn?

“Is this about last night?” Buck asks slowly. “Did I do something that you weren’t comfortable with? I know we were experimenting with new things and--”

Oh _god_ , Eddie is really going to fucking lose it.

“It’s not that,” Eddie blurts out. It really wasn’t that. In fact... _experimenting_ with Buck left him with a lingering curious throb in his groin and alluring images in his head that he really couldn’t dwell on right now. “I’m sorry. I just--” What was he supposed to say?

Buck turns him around. 

“You’ll tell me if it’s something serious, right?” Buck’s eyes are earnest, and Eddie wants to sink into him, soak up his warmth and just let himself believe this was real.

Eddie takes Buck’s hand. It’s the first physical contact he’s initiated with Buck since waking up. “Yeah, I would. Once I can figure out what’s wrong with me, I’ll let you know.”

Buck nods, accepting him as he is. _Fuck_ , Eddie is in love with him.

In this world, Eddie had gotten what he wanted, hadn’t he? Buck was here, they were _married_. It was everything Eddie ever wanted. So why couldn’t he just shut his brain up and let himself have it?

Buck makes his way to Christopher’s room, knocking on his door. “Chris, you almost ready? We gotta get to your school by 8 so you don’t miss the bus.”

“Bus?” Eddie asks.

Christopher comes bounding out of his room. “Field trip day! Let’s go, Buck!”

“Wait,” Eddie follows after them, grasping at straws. “Don’t--Don’t you need me to sign a permission slip or something?”

“Buck already did.”

“Doesn’t it need to be a parent?” Eddie asks without thinking.

Christopher gives him an odd look before laughing. “Good one, dad. Come on, Buck, we’re gonna be late! See you after work, dad!”

Buck lets himself get dragged out the door, unlocking the door to his jeep as Christopher gets in. Buck stops in front of Eddie, concern written all over his face. There’s a question in his eyes.

Eddie shakes his head. “I’ll be fine.”

Buck nods hesitantly. “Okay...I’ll see you later at the station.”

With Buck gone, Eddie looks around the apartment. It looks mostly the same, but there’s something different about it. Before, Eddie had started putting more pictures up, but now the house was littered with them. There were school pictures from grades Eddie doesn’t remember Christopher completing. There’s a picture of Buck and Christopher with Maddie and a little girl with Asian features--Carly? Holy shit was that girl Chimney and Maddie’s daughter? Wasn’t she born just a few months ago? There was another with all of them, including Eddie and Chimney and it was then he knew the toddler in the picture really was their daughter. Eddie picked that picture up, and saw that there was actually an engraving on the bottom.

 _Han-Buckley-Diaz family_ , it read. 

Guess he and Chimney were brother-in-laws now. Connected by the two Buckley’s in the middle. The thought makes a smile flicker over Eddie’s face. 

There’s a bookshelf in the living room that wasn’t there before. It’s filled to the brim with books--most likely Buck’s and a few YA novels that were probably Christopher’s. There’s a picture of the three of them at a baseball game, a glove on Christopher’s hand with a signed ball in it, with Eddie and Buck cheering in the background. 

On the shelf above it, there’s another picture of Eddie and Buck in the same suits as the other picture in their room. Another wedding photo. 

In this one, Buck and Eddie and standing at the altar, Christopher behind Eddie and the officiant in front of them. Buck has his hands grasping Eddie’s jaw and cheeks, and Eddie has Buck held tight against him by the waist. They’re kissing. Eddie can hear the “ _I now pronounce you husband and…”_

His phone beeps with the usual alarm he sets when he’s supposed to be on shift. Didn’t Buck say he would see him later at the station? So obviously they were both still firefighters and worked together still. 

Eddie’s walking into the station not a moment later.

Everything seems normal. When they receive their assignments it’s the same as usual, Hen paired with Chim, Eddie paired with Buck. It’s business as usual, even if Buck shoots him sweet secret smiles every now and then that do _not_ make Eddie blush.

He pulls Hen aside for a moment in a moment of downtime. “Did you end up getting into med school?” Last he remembered Hen had passed the test, started med school and soon enough graduated with honors and started a residency at a nearby hospital. At least, he thinks he remembers that happening.

She gives him a look like he’s stupid but she takes pity on him. “Yeah, Eddie, you were there for my graduation. You sure you didn’t inhale any smoke from that last call?”

Eddie shakes his head. “Then, uh...why are you here?”

As soon as it’s out of his mouth he knows it sounds offensive. He stammers to rephrase but she stops him.

“I started my residency, and it was an amazing experience. I felt _useful_ , like I was making a difference,” Hen explains, then her voice takes on a melancholy tone. “I would see you guys and other paramedics dropping off patients and I thought finally my time to shine! Time to know how the story ends. But I guess I had it in my head the only way that I could truly save lives was to do it on an operating table. I saved a few people...and I lost some too.”

It lingers in the air. The knowledge everyone of their profession knew. They only got a fraction of the story.

“But then I started thinking about how the only reason those people were even stable enough to make it alive to the hospital in the first place, the only reason they were given a chance at life again was because of people like you and Chim. And I remembered that the reason I wanted to become a first responder in the first place was because those crucial moments between when someone’s in trouble and dying all rest in our hands. If we weren’t there to be the ones fighting to save their lives, there would be a lot less people being wheeled into the hospital in the first place. So, I chose to come back here.”

Eddie listens with rapture. “You could’ve had it made. No more financial worry, no more wondering if you could’ve saved them by being their doctor in the hospital. No more being helplessly caught in the middle.”

Hen shakes her head. “I’ve learned that no matter where you are in line, be it the dispatcher, the first responder or the ER doctor, there’s always the possibility you’ll lose the patient anyway. So I wanted to be here, with my family, giving people their chance to live again.”

Eddie turns his head and sees Buck watching him from the kitchen. He has a curious look on his face. Eddie wonders how long he had been listening to their conversation.

Hen gets up and leaves to go back to what she was doing, and Eddie finds himself staring right back at Buck who hadn’t moved.

_It's easy for people to lose touch, especially when you don't work in the same firehouse anymore._

_That won’t happen to us_.

But it had happened. Eddie remembered it, even if he wasn’t sure if it was real or if it was a dream. Hen had moved on as a doctor, Chimney to another firehouse with Maddie, Bobby had retired. And Eddie...Eddie had pulled away from Buck, too caught up in his own misery to see that Buck was hurting too. Buck had lost everyone too.

Sometimes people choose to stay, Eddie thinks. In this world, Hen chose to stay, as had Chimney. Bobby was still their captain, and Eddie and Buck...they were married. They chose each other, in all things.

Buck comes to sit next to Eddie finally, his hand cupping Eddie’s inner thigh, their bodies pressed up against each other. It was still so new to Eddie, having Buck be this close with him. They were always close before. Buck was a tactile person, and although Eddie had always been somewhat uncomfortable with unnecessary touching, he’d welcomed Buck’s touch. There was something comforting about it, something familiar. Now that Eddie knew he could have Buck’s touch, he craved it, leaning in to Buck’s side and willing Buck to touch him more, wrap his arms around him, squeeze him against his chest.

As if reading his mind, Buck’s other hand came up to cup Eddie’s face, running his thumb along the tendon in his neck. Eddie lets himself be pulled forward, lets himself rest against Buck’s shoulder. Breathes in Buck’s scent, counts his heartbeats.

“You’ve been tense all day,” Buck says. His voice rumbles with Eddie’s ear pressed against his body. It makes him shiver. 

Eddie burrows his face into Buck’s neck, letting the rest of him sink into Buck’s hold. He doesn’t care who else is around, or who sees them. No fucks were given that this was the firehouse and they were supposed to be acting professional.

“I want this to be real so badly,” Eddie murmurs into Buck’s skin. It tastes like salt, not too strong, but enough to linger on Eddie’s lips. He resists the urge to stick his tongue out and taste more of Buck.

Buck’s arms flex around him. “Who says it’s not?”

Eddie huffs. “I don’t know what’s real anymore.”

“I’m real,” Buck says. “You’re real. What we have, that’s real too.”

“But it’s not like this. I can’t touch you like this. I can’t have you like this.” He clutches onto Buck like at any moment the heat wave would pass and this mirage would fade. Tears begin to well up in Eddie’s eyes, but he sniffs and closes his eyes hard to get rid of them. He knows this isn’t real. It couldn’t be. He’s in the middle of a lucid dream and there’s nothing he can do to escape. He’s trapped in his head, in this world he’s envisioned and the worst part, the part that eats at him...is that he doesn’t want to leave.

“You can have me,” Buck whispers into his ears, his lips tickling Eddie’s skin. Tingles erupt up and down his neck. “You’ve always had me. From the second we met, I was yours completely.”

Eddie sucks a breath in and holds it. Buck is just saying what Eddie wants to hear, and God, does Eddie want to hear it again and again.

“I want you so much,” he admits. He figures, why not? This isn’t real; there’s no consequences for him here. Whereas he might’ve felt mortified saying this to the real Buck, making himself open for such rejection, here Buck was _his_ , and selfishly, Eddie couldn’t give it up. “I want this.”

“You have it,” Buck says. 

Eddie pulls back and looks into Buck’s eyes. Feeling brave for the first time in a long time, Eddie leans forward and catches Buck’s lips. Buck immediately melts into it, wrapping his arms fully around Eddie’s waist, encompassing him altogether. Eddie’s fingers trace Buck’s jaw, sliding up into his hair. Buck’s lips part for him, his tongue poking out shyly, coaxing Eddie to take what he wants. 

So Eddie does. He lets himself seep into Buck, gently biting his lower lip just to hear the mewl that escapes the taller man. Pleasure zings up Eddie’s spine, every inch of his body humming to life with energy. Buck hitches Eddie up and into his lap and the movement alone makes him throb hard in his pants and suddenly they’re no longer at the firehouse. 

They’re at home, on the couch. Buck’s head is tilted back and Eddie is hovered over him, letting himself have what he’d wanted with Buck for so long. Both of Buck’s hands are planted firmly on his ass, dragging him back and forth, nice and slow on his lap.

Eddie’s mind is wiped clean, head completely empty, delirious with ecstasy. He’d never been one to speak much during sex before--and they weren’t evening having sex now-- but he finds himself babbling against Buck’s mouth.

“I want you so much,” between hungered kisses. “I love you,” sucked into Buck’s skin. “Buck, Buck, _Buck_ ,” chanted as Buck’s controlled pace with Eddie’s hips sped up. 

Then they’re on Eddie’s bed. Buck is underneath him, breathing hard, in the same clothes that they woke up. Only their underwear. 

“How do you want me?” Buck’s voice is gravely, sounding fucked out without even having gotten to that bit yet. It’s a miracle he didn’t come just from that one phrase out of Buck’s mouth alone.

“In every way,” Eddie blurts, even though it doesn’t make sense at all. Buck’s amused smile scrapes at Eddie’s insides, worms it’s way into Eddie’s heart and stays there.

“That sounds like a challenge,” Buck says, eyelids lowering, roaming over Eddie’s face. “Think you can take it?”

“Can you?” Eddie asks, thinking back to the moment they had in the kitchen of Buck’s apartment all those months ago. Why his mind kept coming back to that moment Eddie had no idea. It wasn’t the only time the two of them had charged moments. But he remembered thinking, as Buck strolled up to him, chest puffed, hand on his belt, that this was _it_. This was the moment where they would finally give in to what had been building for so long. But then Eddie had been cowardly and instead of leaning into it, he put his beer to his lips, turned away from Buck’s heavy gaze. Gave himself something else to do with his mouth to distract him from what he really wanted to do.

Now, hovering over Buck’s nearly naked body, feeling both of them against the other, Eddie knew there was no backing down. No changing the subject, no distracting himself from what he really wanted.

Buck juts his chin a bit, his face losing its cock-sure theatrics and instead melting into one of softness. His hands reach down to remove the last bit of clothing keeping them apart. 

“Take me,” Buck whispers. 

Eddie no longer cares if this is real or fake. It no longer matters what mistakes he’d made in the past, or if he would never have this in real life. 

He had Christopher here. He had Buck. He had his family here. 

He was happy. So why would he ever bother waking up?


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> somewhat shorter chapter, but we're getting into the gritty stuff

Buck’s head snaps up harshly. It’s not the first time he’s done this, the crick in his neck nearly permanent by now. He was used to painful bedside naps at this point. If he tried to sleep normally in his bed now, he probably wouldn’t be able to fall asleep at all.

It still surprised him how much the nurses just let him stay overnight in Eddie’s room. He wondered if they still thought he was Eddie’s partner. Maybe if he was able to convince everyone else in the world of it, it would somehow make it true.

He glanced at the clock on the wall. It was only 10am. Buck yawned but no relief came from it, his lungs still felt heavy. Christopher’s flight was set to leave at 5:30pm this evening--he’d gotten the details from abuela the other day. They were heading to the airport later that afternoon. Buck was going to go over there one last time before then. He _needed_ to properly say goodbye to Christopher. It wasn’t the last time, he refused to let himself think that, but he would be damned if he let that little boy think he didn’t care enough to be there to send him off.

He looks over at his vibrating phone. That was what woke him in the first place.

Abuela is calling him. 

“Hello?”

“ _Buck?”_ Abuela’s voice is urgent. “ _Buck, you need to get to Eddie’s house now._ ”

Buck shot up instantly, grabbing his jacket and keys and rushing out of the hospital without even needing any further explanations.

“What? Why?” he bites out. “What’s happening?”

“ _Honey, they changed their flight and it leaves at noon. They’re leaving for the airport very soon.”_

Buck’s heart falls out of his ass. They changed their flight? They were just going to leave without a word to anybody? 

Buck thanks Abuela for letting him know and then takes off the fastest he can. Not for the first time he curses Los Angeles traffic and how it seems like rush hour literally every hour. As soon as he can, he pulls off the freeway and takes the back streets as quickly as he can. 

He’s going to throw up, he can feel the pressure in his throat, rising from his chest. If he doesn’t get there in time he’s going to actually vomit. Every red light he hits feels like a millennium and he almost says fuck it and runs a red light, risking Athena’s wrath, but then it turns green and he stomps on the gas. At stop signs, he stops for .5 seconds before speeding off again. 

He’s clutching the steering wheel so hard he’s lost circulation in his hands. The A/C blasting on him makes them feel like icicles. As soon as he flexes his hands he knows they’re gonna cramp painfully.

Finally, he ends up on Eddie’s street and he pulls up on the curb in front of Eddie’s lawn. 

Eddie’s truck is parked in the driveway with the side door open. The trunk is packed with boxes and a few suitcases. The front door to Eddie’s house is wide open.

“Chris!” Buck calls, slamming the door to his car and nearly trips over himself in his haste to get to the house.

Eddie’s father exits the front door first, seeing Buck. 

Buck freezes as he and Ramon lock eyes. Ramon turns and calls over his shoulder, “Helena, keep Christopher in the house.”

And _that_ infuriates him.

“Were you just going to skip out of the state without letting anybody know?” Buck snaps, moving forward. Ramon ignores him and goes to pack the box he’s holding in his hand into the trunk.

“Everyone who needed to know knew,” Ramon says curtly.

“What did I ever do to you?” Buck asks. He truly doesn’t understand. He’s been nothing but polite to these people, nothing but kind. “All I wanted was the chance to say goodbye to Christopher but you’ve kept him away from me--”

“And who are you to want to be near Christopher at all? Huh?” Ramon snaps, moving into Buck’s space. Buck takes a step back on instinct. “You’re not his father! You are not even family. We don’t know you!”

“I’ve been here every day with Eddie and Christopher for the last two years--”

“And we’ve known them their whole lives!” Ramon throws back in his face. “You are nothing but a colleague. A _stranger_ Eddie has foolishly let into his son’s life. But not anymore!”

“What--?”

“We’ve pulled Christopher out of school,” Ramon informs him, hands on his hips, chest puffed out. “We’ve already put in the paperwork to re-enroll him in his old school in El Paso. Christopher will not be living here where he has no family.”

“He has Eddie!” Buck yells, his voice getting steadily louder with every word. “He has Abuela and Pepa and--”

“My mama and sister are too old and fragile to take care of a young disabled child. He needs me and Eddie’s mom. End of discussion.”

“No, _not_ end of discussion--”

Ramon whips around, his face red and jaw tense. 

“What is it with Eddie and his stupid habit of bringing useless gringos into his child’s life? He never learns! Now look where it’s gotten him.”

Buck reels back like he’s been snapped. Ramon marches back into the house. 

Buck can’t move. 

After a moment Helena comes out of the house, Christopher in her arms. She has his head tucked into her shoulder.

Buck jerks forward. “Christopher!”

He hears a small “Buck?” and sees Christopher trying to turn his head to look at him. Helena pushes his head down. “Don’t speak to him, sweetie.” Christopher is instantly silenced. 

Buck reaches forward but Helena is swift to move to the car, opening the backseat and closing the door behind her, locking it.

Buck rushes to the car, cupping his eyes to Eddie’s tinted windows trying to make out the little boy in the backseat. “Chris?”

“Buck!” he hears muffled crying and Buck can’t take it. Helena hushes him yet again. 

Buck knocks on the window. “Helena, please! I just want to say goodbye to him. That’s all!”

“You need to leave our property at once before I call the police,” Helena swears. 

Ramon comes out of the house again with two more suitcases. Buck distances himself from the truck.

“You’re still here?” Ramon asks, like he’d fully expected Buck to chicken out and run away. He pulls his phone out and Buck knows exactly who he’s calling.

“Hello? Yes, I have a man here who is trying to prevent me and my family from leaving our house.”

Buck backs up even more, nearly back onto the sidewalk. Ramon doesn’t hang up the phone.

“Please,” Buck begs, standing there feeling absolutely as useless as Ramon said. “Please you can’t take him away.”

Helena exits the car and chides Ramon when he instructs her to stay in the car. Buck strains around her, trying to see Chris.

“You need to leave. Now.” 

“You can’t take him away from his dad!” Buck cries. 

Helena has about had enough. “We warned Eddie about this when he decided he wanted to join the Fire Department in _Los Angeles_ of all places. We _told_ him he’d be spending all his time working, leaving Christopher with strangers, and look what he did? He got himself killed!”

“He’s not dead!” 

“He’s as good as dead!” Helena screams back. “And not only did he force Christopher through his mother’s death but through his own too. I _told_ him not to drag Christopher down with him.”

Buck takes a step forward. “Eddie is the best father I’ve ever met. How can you two think that about him? He’s your son!”

“Eddie has never made good choices,” Ramon grumbles. “The military, that gringa, moving to LA, and now this.” He gestures to Buck. 

Buck shakes his head. Was there nothing that would make these people stop and think what they’re doing?

The police are quick to arrive, someone must’ve been nearby.

“What seems to be the problem here?” a familiar voice asks calmly. Buck turns around.

_Fuck._ Athena.

Ramon points his finger at Buck. “This man has assaulted us--”

“I didn’t _touch_ you--!” Buck nearly moves forward but Athena whips a hand out and forces him back.

“Alright, now calm down.” She moves around, closer to Eddie’s parents. She shoots Buck a look that says ‘shut the fuck up, now is _not_ the time to be a dumbass’. She turns to Buck. “I’m gonna need you to back up.”

Buck listens right away but Eddie’s parents are still glaring at him.

“Sir, Ma’am, you are free to leave--”

“They can’t just take Christoper--”

Athena throws a hand up against Buck’s chest. “Don’t.”

Buck shuts his mouth. 

Athena stands in front of Buck and turns back to Eddie’s parents. “You are free to leave.”

Ramon eyes Buck. “We have a few more things to pack in the car and then we will be on our way.”

Ramon goes back into the house, Helena following. 

“Athena,” Buck hisses low. “They’re going to take Christopher away. They won’t let me even say goodbye.”

“They’re his grandparents,” Athena grumbles. “And Eddie is incapacitated. There’s no legal reason I can use to stop them.”

He hears his name being called from inside the truck. Athena hears it too. Buck wants to go over there so badly but he knows Athena will clock him if he even dares. 

They both stand there in agonized silence, listening to Chris cry and call out for Buck. There’s nothing either of them can really do. Buck looks at Athena, the sides of her mouth curled down with unease. Something curls up and dies in Buck’s chest.

His chin wobbles and he has to turn away or he’s going to completely lose it. Ramon and Helena come out once more, this time with a backpack each, a suitcase in Ramon’s hand and Helena’s purse in the other. She locks the front door to Eddie’s house. 

Together they walk towards the car. Ramon stows the last of the bags before opening the driver door. Christopher wails only become that much louder. Ramon slams the door shut. Helena lingers.

“Please escort that man off our property,” Helena sneers. “He’s a trespasser.”

Athena nods. “No need to worry, ma’am. I’ll see to it. You best hurry along now, don’t wanna miss your flight.”

Helena sniffs, lifting her nose in the air before she opens the door and gets in. The truck engine switches on, the lights flashing and Christopher’s cries are drowned out. 

They pull out slowly from the driveway.

Athena has her hand clasped tightly around Buck’s wrist. It’s a warning. _Don’t even think about running after them_. Because that’s who Buck is. He isn’t the person who just sits by and lets bad things happen to the people he loves. He runs after them, he throws himself into danger and protects them.

The truck turns the corner and Buck looks over at Eddie’s empty house. 

It looks desolate. Cold. Like the Diaz boys had never entered Buck’s life in the first place.

There’s something of a crying gene in Buck’s family. Maddie was an easy crier and Buck...well, he never used to mind crying. But now? Now he was so tired. All he felt was an overwhelming empty. Like the last remnants of all that he had was taken away from him. Gone. He could shout in the recesses of his heart and nothing would echo back.

He was alone. Well and truly alone.

“Buck?” Athena’s voice is uncharacteristically gentle in uniform. “Sweetie?”

Buck turns away from her. If he makes eye contact with her, sees the pity in her eyes, he doesn’t know what will happen.

She steers him towards her car and places him in the front seat. The last time they were in this situation, Doug had kidnapped Maddie and Buck had been so on edge it’s a miracle he even made it to her on time. This time feels exactly the same and yet worse. Because he couldn’t wrangle Athena into his crazy plans to go after Chris like he _was_ kidnapped. They couldn’t go after Eddie’s truck, couldn't track them down and get Christopher back. They knew where they were headed. 

Athena drove off and Buck was silent. 

She pulled into an In N’ Out and ordered them their usual's. It was near lunchtime now but Buck wasn’t hungry. He ate the food silently because he didn’t want to disrespect Athena or waste her money after she bought him food. He forced himself to finish it but he could barely taste it. 

“So those were Eddie’s folks, huh?”

Buck swallowed, wiping his mouth with his sleeve. “Yeah.”

“Seemed like real pieces of work.”

“Are you going to arrest me?” Buck asks. “Or write me up?”

She scoffs. “Now why on earth would I do that?”

Buck huffs, throwing his hands out in front of him. “You heard them. I’m a _trespasser_. I _assaulted_ them.”

“From what I saw, you did none of those things,” Athena states simply. “I’ll report it as a domestic disturbance that was peacefully broken up. I doubt they’ll follow up with charges.”

Buck shakes his head, looking out the window. They’re both quiet, sipping the remainders of their drinks and listening to dispatch over the radio. 

“I spoke to Bobby the other day.”

“Oh great,” Buck cringes, turning in on himself even more.

“I’m not saying you both weren’t idiots for yelling that shit at each other,” Athena starts. “What you said hurt Bobby…”

“I know,” Buck admits. That’s what he had intended at that moment. Didn’t mean he didn’t feel bad about it every second after it left his lips.

“ _But_ ,” Athena continues. “What he has said and done to you over the last year and a half? That wasn’t right either. I’ve spoken to him so many times about how babies you--”

“He thinks I’m useless,” Buck murmurs. _Bobby’s right_. _Ramon’s right._

“He absolutely does not, Evan Buckley,” Athena states. “He’s terrified for you. He does see himself in you, that’s true. And that part of his heart that he broke when he lost Marcy and the kids? That’ll likely never heal. He blames himself every day, feels guilty every. single. day. That doesn’t just go away with a new wife and family. He’s desperate not to lose you too, Buck. But more than that, he’s desperate to _protect_ you from feeling the same pain that he feels.”

Buck sniffs. Why couldn’t she see? Why couldn’t _Bobby_ see? “I’m not him.”

Athena nods. “I know that. And he knows that. But when you’re a parent, sometimes you act irrationally because you think you’re protecting your kids.”

Buck turns his head, squeezing his eyes shut. “I’m not his son.”

_I’m not anyone’s son. I’m not anyone’s father._

“He loves you like one,” Athena replies. “I’m not going to sit here and say that excuses his behavior or how he acted towards you when you were on blood-thinners and during the lawsuit. Because it’s inexcusable. I think the reason he’s never spoke to you about it is because he knows his behavior was abhorrent. That man is good at confrontation when it’s about other people’s mistakes, but when he’s screwed up?” She huffs a chuckle and rolls her eyes.

Buck shakes his head, wrapping his arms around his torso. “Do you think he’s right? That I shouldn’t try to get custody of Christopher?”

“Hell no.” 

Buck stares at her.

“I think you should fight like hell for that kid.” She leans forward, grasping Buck’s hand firmly. “I know you Buckleys. You’re annoying as all get out, but Lord knows you love and you love _hard_.”

Buck feels like a man made of paper, one step away from crumbling.

“Don’t think you’re escaping a talk with Bobby soon. But for now, just know that you're not alone. You have people on your side. All of us, even if it might not seem like it.”

“I don’t know if I can be a parent,” Buck admits quietly.

“Anybody can pop out kids and call themselves parents,” Athena says. “But what makes a good parent? You’ve seen it. You’ve lived it. And if I was in the same situation as you, I would do the exact same thing for my babies.”

Buck’s heart stutters. For the first time since he woke up this morning--for the first time in a while--he feels warm. Maybe that was the feeling they called hope. 

“That’s what a good parent does for their child.” Athena takes his hand. “They never _ever_ give up. And if there’s one thing you Buckleys are good at?”

Buck smiles. “We never give up.”

Athena shakes her head. “No, you don’t.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, today we have a treat. Three chapters will be posted today. Enjoy!

Athena drops Buck off at Eddie’s house to pick up his car. He called in to the station and used one of his sick days. He couldn’t bring himself to go into the station later today. Bobby wasn’t on the clock that day so he didn’t have to report to him or make an excuse to him either.

Buck sits in his car for almost twenty minutes, just staring at Eddie’s house and the road in front of him. Other cars pass. He sees Eddie’s neighbors come home to their families, disappearing into their own homes. No one notices the empty house with the light turned off. The house that used to be so full of life, now sucked completely dry. From the outside it looks normal, but on the inside it's barren.

Buck gets out of his car and goes up to Eddie’s front door. He still has his key. No one had even bothered to wonder if he had one, or if they did they didn’t care to ask for it back. When he and Eddie first exchanged keys it had been for the same reason Hen and Bobby had exchanged keys--in case of emergencies. But that was never what Buck ever used his key for.

He used his key when they were expecting him over for movie night or game night. He used his key when he promised he’d go and pick up some takeout and be over as fast as he could. He used his key when Eddie hesitated to ask him if he could pick up groceries that week because he was on shift and had forgotten. 

He used his key in the morning when he came in to drop off Christopher at school with Eddie before heading to the station. Sometimes, when the two of them were on their way home, and Eddie was too tired to let Buck go home, Buck used his key to open Eddie’s door and the two of them would stumble in and immediately high tail it to the nearest bed to fall asleep. 

But now, standing in front of Eddie’s door, he felt like a stranger. He used the key to Eddie’s house almost as often as he used his own key to his apartment, or his car keys. Sometimes even more. 

His favorite days were when Buck didn’t even need to think about using the key, Eddie’s front door already unlocked, waiting for Buck to shuffle through and join them. Eddie’s door had never been closed to him, not truly. 

Eddie hadn’t been in his own home for a little over a month. Buck hadn’t seen the inside in at least two weeks.

Things were different now. Maybe he was a trespasser, peeping in through the windows of a home that wasn’t his. Trying desperately to live vicariously through a family that he would never be a part of.

He turns the key to the door and opens it.

Most of the living room looks the same at first glance. Eddie never was big on decorations. He had just enough furniture for everyone to sit comfortably and for it to not look entirely empty and that was it. 

Abuela and Pepa liked to shop at the flea market at the local community college on Saturday mornings. They would pick up little knick knacks, or paintings or fancy plates, sometimes a few fake plants and they would pass those off to Eddie. Sometimes he would display the things they bought him in the living room or the dining room. Other times he’d just stow them in the cupboard. 

All of those were still there. But the important pictures were gone. There was the photo of Christopher with Santa that was usually on the counter between the kitchen and the living room that wasn’t there anymore. The picture of the Diaz family from Eddie’s induction ceremony that used to be on the bookshelf was missing too. Everything that used to make their house a home, was gone. 

Even the picture of the three of them that used to be by the door wasn’t there. Buck didn’t think Eddie’s parents would care at all about wanting a picture that had Buck in it. Had Christopher taken this one too like he’d taken the picture of him and Shannon? He hoped that it was Christopher and not Eddie’s parents taking it to be petty. He wouldn’t exactly put it past them.

He makes his way down the hall and stops in front of Christopher’s room. He has his hand on the doorknob and almost opens it, but stops. 

He couldn’t go into Christopher’s room. It was always the room with the most life, the most  _ lived  _ in of the entire house. If he opened this door and saw it all just gone, disappeared in the blink of an eye, Buck didn’t trust himself to not react badly. 

So he backs away from Christopher’s door. 

He turns to Eddie’s room, and this time he’s willing to open the door.

The inside looks virtually untouched. It likely  _ was _ untouched. Eddie had a guest room that his parents had been using, and Christopher’s stuff was all in his room. There wasn’t really much of a need to go into Eddie’s room.

If Christopher’s room was the soul of the house, Eddie’s room was desolate by comparison. Eddie would go all out to make Christopher’s room colorful and joyous, to match the little boy who lived in it. And if his Abuela wanted to throw a random shapeless painting on the wall in his living room, Eddie didn’t care enough to stop them. But Eddie’s own room was another story entirely.

In Eddie’s room it was down to the essentials and that was it. There was his bed, two little bedside tables with lamps on either side, and a single larger dresser on the opposite side. On his bedside tables he had his alarm clock, set to 6:00am every morning. There was one mirror on the wall. And that was it. 

There were no pictures, no little knick knack decorations like fake clocks or plants or pictures of the ocean. There were no books scattered about, no rugs on the ground. Plain blinds over the windows--no billowy curtains like the rest of the house. No plaques, no awards on the walls even though Buck knows he’s received multiple from the LAFD alone, even aside from the silver star.

There was absolutely nothing in Eddie Diaz’s room that screamed  _ Eddie _ . It reminded Buck of a creative writing class he took once as an elective back in college. The professor gave them an assignment--describe your character and their personality but only by what they have in their room. It was fun, exploring people’s characters just by the posters on their walls or books on the shelves or the dishes piling up on their bedside table. 

Thinking about it now, what did Eddie’s room tell him about Eddie?

His bed was perfectly made, tucked in and smoothed out with not one single wrinkle. Eddie’s military background. A throw blanket at the edge of his bed, also angled precisely. Maybe Eddie got cold at night? Two matching pillows at the head of the bed. The left pillow was concave and the right perfectly plump as the day it was bought. Eddie slept alone, always. 

The absence of a personality to Eddie’s room spelled out who he was clear as day.

He was someone who didn’t care for appearances. A room was a room, it was where he slept nothing more. Christopher’s room was his sanctuary by comparison, his room reflected who Christopher was down to the rainbow carpeting. Christopher’s room was the most loved, and Eddie’s room was empty. Eddie loved his son more than anything, especially more than himself.

Buck sat down on the edge of Eddie’s bed, thinking about the handful of times he’d slept in here. He felt bad, for not really noticing how lonely Eddie’s room was. How empty Eddie felt. And now Christopher’s probably matched Eddie’s, just as lifeless. 

Buck failed both of them. He should’ve protected Eddie. It was supposed to be Buck who got hurt all the time, Buck who made reckless decisions and almost got himself killed. Not Eddie. Eddie was supposed to be the responsible one. He was the one with the most lovely little boy who needed him.

Buck sat on Eddie’s bed with the door closed until the sun went down. When the clock read midnight, Buck crawled back and pulled Eddie’s covers over his shoulders. He laid on the right side of the bed, staring back and forth between the concave pillow and the clock counting down the hours.

The last time Buck found himself a ghost in someone else’s house, someone else’s bed, he had been holding on to the idea that Abby still loved him. That she would come back and join him in her bed, in her apartment, and they would pick up right where they left off. 

He told her that he felt like a ghost in her apartment. Like he was mourning her absence, and mourning himself at the same time. He was the ghost haunting Abby’s apartment for nearly six months. And here he was haunting Eddie’s house, a ghost in someone else’s house yet again.

He thought he understood why ghosts held onto the people they left behind. He thought he knew the pain of losing the people he loved and clinging onto their remains for any sort of memory he could soak up from them. He thought he had that with Abby.

He was a fool. The pain of losing Abby left a mark on him, like a stab wound that never healed properly, but this?

This felt like he was bleeding out on the street, crushed under a ladder truck yet again. But this time, his team wasn’t there to save him. There were no concerned citizens rushing to throw in a hand and help. Now more than his leg was crushed, it was like his entire body was buried underneath.

Maybe if the ladder truck snapped his spine he would stop feeling anything. 

*

Buck learned nothing from Abby. He’d been secretly sleeping at Eddie’s house, in Eddie’s bed, for the last several days. When it was time for him to go to work, he did. He let his teammates sneak worried glances at him and he ignored them. He almost chucked the jaws of life at Bobby’s head when he partnered Buck up with  _ Ramirez,  _ of all people, when they had a particularly bad car crash and Buck couldn’t work alone like he had been preferring to do the past couple of weeks.

When he’s not at the station, or not haunting Eddie’s house, he’s at the hospital. Perched at Eddie’s side like some kind of gargoyle. 

Eddie doesn’t wake up. Was there nothing Buck could say or do to get him to wake up? He didn’t even wake up when Buck recounted the tale of him nearly getting arrested trying to get Eddie’s parents to just think about what they were doing by taking Christopher back to Texas with them.

Did Eddie know Christopher wasn’t here anymore? Did he feel his absence as severely as Buck did?

Buck recounts everything that happens at the station to Eddie. He sits beside him on the bed and strokes his cheek, massages his shoulders. He’s on a first name basis with Eddie’s nurses now. Danielle was the one who started leaving the guest bed out for him. He didn’t really use it. He forced himself to leave the hospital at the end of the night more times than not. He didn’t want to risk any of the 118 or Maddie or Eddie’s relatives knowing that he spent all his time here. He didn’t want to be seen as _ that  _ weak. The poor Buckley boy who can never let go of anyone even when they so clearly left him.

He tried not to let his mind wander to that dark place, but the thoughts tended to burst out at him and then they wouldn’t go away. The thoughts of would it be better if Eddie was dead, that way Buck and everyone could just know it, and not have to hang on by a thread, constantly stuck in the gray zone, of not completely dead but not completely alive. Whenever those thoughts burst from his head, he would feel absolutely disgusted with himself and so horrifically guilty to the point that he would have to force himself outside or else he would have a panic attack.

When he’s not thinking about Eddie, he’s thinking of Christopher. It’s an endless cycle. Buck has never been to Texas, in any of his travels. He looked up El Paso, seeing it was a border city to Mexico, and wondered what Eddie and Christopher’s lives were like there. What Eddie’s life was like growing up, before and after he went to war. He knows that most of the reason Eddie left Texas to come here was because of Shannon, but Eddie rarely spoke about his life before her. Buck couldn’t really blame him, and he never pushed him, because he too hated talking about his life before the 118. Most of the time he felt like his life hadn’t even truly begun until he became a firefighter. He wishes that were true.

He wonders what Chris is doing right at that moment. Was he unpacking his room at his grandparents house? He knows Eddie had previously sold the house he used to live in with Shannon right before they moved to California. There was no need to keep it if Shannon wasn't there and Eddie didn't plan on ever moving back. 

He wondered if there was a school nearby or a library or a playground. Christopher liked to play on his own or with his friends on the playground but occasionally he'd ask Eddie or Buck to help him on the monkey bars. They'd only be allowed to hold his legs to make sure he didn't fall, but the rest of it was all Christopher’s doing. Every time he made it across he'd get such a proud little smile and Eddie and Buck would cheer him on. 

He briefly wondered if Helena and Ramon had found the skateboard he'd made for Christopher that they stowed in the shed in Eddie's backyard. And if they did would they have taken it with them? Buck almost wished they did, so that at least Christopher could have fun with it at the parks in El Paso.

But a little part of him knew that even if Christopher had begged his grandparents to take his skateboard with them, they would say no. They'd think it was too dangerous and what if Christopher got hurt?

It was always in the back of Buck’s mind, and he knew for a fact that that one question plagued Eddie’s mind every single minute of every day. But the difference was that Eddie recognized that Christopher, like most children as they grew up, wanted independence. And Christopher’s condition only made it so that the boy craved it even more. Christopher was constantly surrounded by people who thought he couldn’t do the same things “normal” kids do. It was the default setting with pretty much everyone. 

In the early days when Buck had only just been getting to know Christopher, Eddie used to hover nonstop around them, monitoring Buck’s every word, every hand to reach out to help Christopher in an unnecessary way. Buck understood. Eddie didn’t want people treating his son any differently because of his CP. So anyone he was going to let into Christopher’s life, even remotely, was going to be heavily vetted. 

Buck didn’t know what exactly he did--or didn’t do--but soon enough Eddie started relaxing around him and Chris. He left them to their own devices, let Buck and Chris hang out or let Buck help him with homework or projects, without Eddie being involved at all.

It was a similar process with Carla, but she, unlike Buck, had years of experience with all kinds of children, and was one of the kindest souls Buck had ever met. It didn’t take Eddie long to move from his “I’m watching your every move around my kid” phase, to the “you’re no Carla, but you’ll do” phase. Buck didn’t talk about it much, but he was so happy that Carla helped Eddie the way she did. He was relieved that Eddie hadn’t taken it the wrong way when Buck introduced them, and instead he was  _ grateful _ . Maddie often used to tell him that meddling in other people’s business could backfire, and boy, did most of Buck’s attempts to help people outside of his job backfire, but with Eddie it was different. 

Buck fully expected Eddie to never accept help. From his first impressions of the man, he seemed the type to want to do everything himself, wanting to prove that he could and that he didn’t need any help let alone want it. Buck knew because his first year after the SEALS, his first few months on the job, were exactly that. He didn’t want a partner, like Hen and Chim were for each other, he wanted to be the only one making the saves, the only one getting the glory. For once, he wanted to feel good about something that  _ he  _ achieved all on his own, with no help from anybody else. With no  _ pity _ from anyone else.

But Buck was always known to overcorrect. Overreact. Dramatic to a fault, Maddie once told him. 

Abby had helped Buck to find his happy medium. It took him a long fucking time to realize that she didn’t fix him like he thought she did. She helped him grow, but she didn’t make him who he was now. 

It still stung when people looked at him and dismissed him right off the bat--a pretty face with an empty head. Beefed up muscles but a smooth brain. No thoughts, head empty. 

At first he used to revel in the fact that people took one look at his body and wanted it. He loved that for the first time he was  _ desired _ . Wanted. If it was just for his body, then okay. In his backwards thoughts, he hoped that someone would come for the body but stay for  _ him _ . For who he was. He thought Abby was going to be that for him.

It grated at him. No longer did he feel good when people leered at him--women, men, anyone--and when he worked out, he did it because he wanted to get stronger, and not because he wanted to look bigger. He was hyper aware of what people saw when they looked at him now. He noticed every glance, every once over. He didn’t care about anybody else anymore. Hadn’t for a long time.

There was only one person who looked at him and made Buck feel  _ seen _ . Lingering glances at his arms or his chest when they were changing in the locker room started to make him feel giddy again. Working out in the gym, seeing glances snuck at him from the punching bag. Talking a mile a minute, and seeing eyes flicker down to his mouth for only just a moment before looking away. Knowing Eddie found him physically attractive sent Buck over the fucking moon, even if Eddie never spoke it out loud or made it known in any other outward way.

Buck was okay with that. That was his MO, right? People found him attractive, he slept with them, and then they heard him open his mouth and they found something they didn’t like. Then they left.

With Eddie it was different. Eddie might find him attractive but they never slept together. 

With Abby, Buck was constantly torn between wanting to have sex with her and forcing himself to remain celibate so that he wouldn’t screw up the fragile thing he had with her.

With Eddie...Buck wanted to have sex with Eddie--he wanted to  _ badly _ \--but he was content with what he already got from Eddie. He was content with soft hands on his shoulder, lingering on his neck. He loved it when they’d stay up late after Christopher went to bed watching bad movies. Sometimes on days when the shifts were rough and they were dead tired, Eddie would fall asleep on the couch, wouldn’t even realize he was pressed against Buck’s body, head leaning on his shoulder, hair tickling Buck’s chin. Eddie, who never let his guard down even in sleep, curling into Buck for warmth. Buck was content with fist bumps, with arms flung around his shoulders, with the occasional bro hug. Did Buck want more? Yes, he’ll always want more of Eddie. But if they never moved beyond that, he was more than content with what Eddie was willing to give him. He would soak up Eddie’s love in whatever shape or form Eddie was willing to give him.

And it wasn’t just Eddie either. Buck didn’t often consider himself blessed. He didn’t like the religious implications of the word, it reminded him too much of being forced to go to church every Sunday with his parents. His parents called him blessed like he should be grateful he had any of the things they gave him. But they never actually gave him the one thing he wanted.

Fuck their blessings.

Buck didn’t believe in divine intervention or holy blessings, but he did believe in things like fate, even if he hates it and wishes some things never happened. 

It comforts him to think Eddie would’ve shown up in Buck’s life no matter what happened with him and Abby. But would their relationship have come this far, would he have gotten to know Christopher and gotten to be a part of their lives, if he was still with Abby? Would he have gotten to experience how it felt to finally be accepted into a family that wanted him, exactly as he was, if Abby hadn’t left?

Buck truly did not know. But he liked to think that Abby moving out of his heart made room for him to let Eddie and Christopher in. 

But sometimes he wonders if he was just making the same old mistakes again. Maybe he’d been puffing himself up, thinking Eddie might feel even just the slightest bit for Buck as he did for him. Letting himself believe that he could be something for Eddie, for Christopher, when in reality he was just another parasite wiggling his way into someplace he didn’t belong.


	11. Chapter 11

It’s been almost a week since Christopher has been in El Paso and Buck has been left alone in Los Angeles. 

He spent the majority of that time trying to convince himself that Christopher was fine in El Paso. How long did it take to enroll kids in school? Would he be integrating with new classmates and new teachers already? What kind of school was it? How large were the class sizes? Did they have an art class? It was Chris’ favorite one. 

Was he making friends? Or did he have friends from before they moved to LA that he was reuniting with? Cousins? Buck knew that one of Eddie’s sisters still lived in El Paso near their parents, the other lived in Florida. 

He has Helena’s phone number. He’s texted her several times and tried to call her a few times as well, but she’s never replied or picked up. He wondered briefly if the woman had blocked him, but then, when Buck least expected it, someone picked up the phone.

“ _Hello?_ ” an unfamiliar voice asks.

“Uh...hi. Is Helena there?” 

“ _Not at the moment. Forgot her phone at home. May I ask who’s calling?”_

“I’m Buck. Uh, Evan...Buckley.”

Buck hears the person on the phone shuffle. “ _No shit._ The _Buck that my nephew won’t shut up about, huh? Can’t believe I’m finally meeting you!”_

“Uh...?” Buck startles. Christopher talked about him? The thought makes Buck smile.

_“Oh fuc--I mean fudge._ ” The voice pulls away for a second, like she was correcting herself for someone else nearby before coming back louder. “ _T_ _his is Adriana, by the way. Eddie’s older sister. Probably should’ve said that first.”_

Buck had never met either of Buck’s sisters. They had only been there a couple of days for Shannon’s funeral before they left and Buck...well, he already had defied Maddie’s nursely orders to stay home and rest his leg to go to Eddie’s induction ceremony, so going anywhere else was a big no.

“H-Hi,” Buck chokes out. “Um, hey. It’s nice to meet you.”

“ _Likewise, man! You’re famous!”_

Buck’s cheeks burn. “Yeah, no, I’m sure Christopher’s just over-hyping me.” He chuckles weakly.

_"Well, I expected that from Christopher. But the way Eddie talks about you?”_ she makes a psshaw noise. “ _Eddie makes it sound like the sun shines out of your ass!”_

Buck nearly chokes, but finds himself laughing with her. He’s only spoken to her for less than a minute, but he finds he likes her a lot already.

But his mind sticks on something.

“Eddie talks about me?” What does he say? Does he talk about Buck a lot? Or is it just in passing? _What does he say?_

Adriana snorts. “ _All the damn time, dude.”_

“I didn’t know that…” Buck trails off.

_“He’s not the chattiest person, obviously. But the fact that he talks about you at all?”_ She imitates the sound of an explosion and laughs. Her voice grows somber a moment later. “ _How’s he doing?”_

Buck sighs. “No change really. Brain functions normally and he’s improving, but he just…” Buck doesn’t want to get emotional on the phone with Eddie’s older sister of all people. “He just won’t open his eyes.”

_“He’s a stubborn little asshole, always has been. But I love him,_ ” she says. “ _He’ll come around soon. Hopefully._ ”

_Hopefully_. Wasn’t that the buzz word of the century.

“ _Oh!”_ she exclaims, like she just remembered something. “ _You were calling my mom right? Need me to pass along a message to her?”_

Buck knows the second Helena finds out that Buck called there would be hell to pay. Could you call the cops on someone who’s not physically in the same state as you? Buck didn’t know but the second he hung up the phone, he would research it. Still, he needed to tell Adriana _something_.

“I, uh, actually I was calling her to see if I could speak to Christopher but…”

_“He’s here, I can go get--”_

“No!” Buck interjects. He can’t talk to Christopher right now. He thought he was ready, but he wasn’t. He needs to get his head on straight, have a gameplan. “I just--this is going to sound really bad, but can you not let Helena or Ramon know I called today?”

There’s nothing but silence on the other end of the line for a long pause. Buck can feel his heart beating in his ears.

_“Mom has yoga on Thursday afternoons and Christopher stays at my house. She left her phone here today, but next time you want to talk to Christopher, you can call me. If you want.”_

She would do that for him?

“You would do that?” he asks, unable to comprehend how she could be so willing to give to someone who is practically a stranger to her. 

“ _This may be our first time speaking, but I know you, Buck.”_ Adriana says, voice serious. “ _I know they love you like family. So to me, that’s what you are. I don’t need any other proof.”_

She reminded Buck of Abuela and Pepa, two fierce ladies who loved with their entire hearts. So endlessly giving for the people around them. She reminded him of Eddie, how when Eddie loved someone that was it for him. 

“Thank you,” Buck murmurs. He pauses. “Is he...how is Christopher?”

He can hear the smile in her voice. “ _He’s doing as okay as he can be. He misses his dad, and you. He’s holding it together. A Diaz through and through._ ”

Buck blinks back tears. Eddie would’ve hated to hear that. Christopher holding himself together because he’s too afraid to show his real emotions in front of his grandparents. Too afraid to be open and honest. No child should have to worry about being the steady one for their parents or grandparents or anyone. 

“I’ll call you next week? Same time?” Buck asks. Adriana agrees, taking Buck’s phone number before they hang up. 

Buck sighs, staring down at his hands.

_“Be a man, suck it up and move on,” Eddie says, standing with his back to Buck’s kitchen counter, beer in his hand. “That’s what my dad told me. It’s what I lived by every day of my life. It’s the only reason I was able to get through Afghanistan in one piece. Or so I thought. Frank thinks that it’s done me more harm than good.”_

_Buck nods. “Gotta say, I agree with Frank on this.”_

_“Aren’t you supposed to be_ my _best friend?” Eddie asks. They’re standing right next to each other, instead of across from each other. Eddie bumps his elbow lightly into Buck’s._

_Buck laughs. “That is actually the exact reason why I agree with Frank. Because I’m your best friend.”_

_Eddie eyes him, head tilted towards Buck. He hums a bit under his breath, a soft look in his eye. “Yeah…”_

_Eddie looks away again. “Chris stopped telling me about his nightmares about his mom because he didn’t want to make me sad. What kind of father am I that my kid feels like he has to hide his feelings from me?” He shakes his head with a dark laugh. “But that was exactly what I did my entire life, right? I thought about it, like, when did I ever go to my dad when I was sad or upset?”_

_They both knew the answer._

_“My mom was a little bit better, she listened to me. But I knew that she was just going to go and tell my dad and he would try to talk to me and I just didn’t want to hear it from him. I knew what he would say. So I just didn’t say anything to anyone.”_

_Eddie takes a large gulp of his beer, scrubbing his mouth with the back of his hand and facing the other direction. Even now, Buck could tell that Eddie was uncomfortable talking about what was on his mind._

_“I don’t know if I would’ve started therapy if I wasn’t forced to,” Eddie admits. “But if it at least means my son doesn’t feel_ scared _of how I will react to his problems, it’s worth the pain of sitting through an hour with Frank every week.”_

_“You’re a good dad,” Buck says. Eddie snorts. “It’s true,” Buck insists, turning towards Eddie, pressing his body into Eddie’s side just a little bit. If the older man is uncomfortable with Buck being in his space, he doesn’t say anything._

_Eddie’s wearing a short sleeved shirt, so is Buck. It’s summer and it’s been getting warmer. The exposed skin of their arms rub together but neither makes any move to try to put more space in between them._

_“I’m serious,” Buck says, voice dropping just slightly lower than usual. “I know I don’t talk about my parents a lot--”_

_“You don’t need to,” Eddie insists immediately. “You don’t owe anyone that.”_

_“I know. I didn’t for a long time. I figured...just let everyone assume what they want of my past. It’s probably better than what it actually is anyway.”_

_“Buck…”_

_“All I’m saying is I know what it’s like to never feel good enough, no matter what you do,” Buck starts. “But you at least_ try _. People see that, Christopher sees that even if he might not understand it.”_

_Eddie ducks his head. “My parents don’t.”_

_“Then fuck them.”_

_Eddie raises a surprised eyebrow. It wasn’t often Buck swore, and when he did it was only when he was feeling incredibly touchy--or protective._

_As easy as Buck’s anger inflated, it disappeared. “Sorry.”_

_“Don’t be.” The back of Eddie’s hand taps Buck’s upper thigh. “I’ve made a ton of excuses for them over the years and it’s never done anything but make me resent them more.”_

_“Yeah…” Buck says. He doesn’t want to think about it right now, but he gets it. “Me too.”_

_They stand in silence, taking sips of beer, breathing in tandem._

_“You know I called Bobby ‘Pops’ for like a week the first month I worked there?”_

_Eddie giggle snorts his beer and it would be charming if Buck wasn’t always charmed by everything Eddie did. “You did not.”_

_“I did,” Buck laughs, embarrassed but flushed with the knowledge that he made Eddie laugh. “We weren’t half as close then as we are now. Thinking about it is kinda awkward. I sorta just...latched onto him immediately because he made family dinners and, he asked you how your day was and actually cared when you answered and for the first time in a long time I didn’t feel…”_

_“Invisible?” Eddie supplies._

_“Yeah.” Buck nods. He doesn’t say that most of the time he still feels invisible. Or worse than that, like Bobby watched him_ too _closely, just waiting for him to screw up so Buck would prove him right. Like Bobby was waiting for the other shoe to drop._

_He just wished for once that someone he loved like a father didn’t think of him as nothing but a giant disappointment._

_“That’s why I admire you so much,” Buck says absently._

_“Me?” Eddie’s brow furrows._

_“Yeah,” Buck says, staring out the window to the Los Angeles skyline. “You never_ ever _make Christopher feel ashamed of himself for being who he is. There’s nothing Christopher could do that would make you love him any less. Nothing.”_

_He turns to Eddie now, hands up in front of him. “The love a parent has for their child should be unconditional, right? But not every kid gets that.” Buck shakes his head. “I feel like most don’t. But you--you’re just…” Buck stumbles over his words. He doesn’t even know how to explain it, he just knows that if the love Buck felt radiating from Eddie was anything close to the real thing, then Christopher was the luckiest kid in the whole entire world. “...you’re amazing.”_

_Buck can’t look away from Eddie, from his soft eyes reflecting the light from the naked light bulbs that hung above them. His rosy cheeks, like they’d been painted on. The more Buck stared at him, the more Eddie looked downright celestial, like he belonged somewhere in the stars but instead chose to make his life right here with a perfect little boy, and choose Buck to be his best friend. Seeing Eddie look like this reminded Buck of how rare it was to be on the receiving end of a look like this from Eddie. Generally, Eddie had two default expressions, purposely blank or the big goofy grin that he only allowed out when the attention wasn’t on him. Every expression in between was reserved for special moments, little moments with Christopher. Or, when Buck was lucky, saved for him. He soaked it in, storing this look in the back of his mine to revisit till the end of time._

_“You make me want to believe that…” Eddie whispers, studying Buck’s face just as intently._

_“I hope one day you do.”_

*

  
“How was school today, Christopher?” Grandma asks. She’s in the kitchen, cooking dinner and Christopher is sitting at the dining room table, doing homework.

“Fine,” Christopher shrugs. He’s trying to do his math homework but his new class is several weeks ahead of his old math class, and he didn’t really get what to do. “I don’t understand it.”

“Oh. Okay,” Grandma tuts. “Well, why don’t I take a look. Tell me what you’re doing.”

“Functions.”

Grandma leans over his shoulder and looks at it. “Oh. Hmm...well, when your grandfather gets home, we’ll have him take a look, okay?”

Christopher nods. “Okay.”

Usually after dinner on the days Dad and Buck had off, one or both of them would sit down and help him. Most of the time, Dad would confuse himself, and in turn, confuse Christopher, so he would leave Chris and Buck to it. Christopher liked getting homework help from Buck. For history, Buck would read the textbook out loud to him like a bedtime story, and he asked Christopher to draw the parts of the chapters that stood out the most to him to help him remember. When it came to tests, Buck, Daddy and Christopher would pour over Christopher’s drawings and quiz him on what he remembered. He had an A+ in history, and Mrs. Lenetti asked if she could hang some of Christopher’s drawings in her classroom. 

Christopher liked reading, and he liked making up stories too. Daddy read to him every night before bed. And not baby books either. Every two weeks Ms. Flores assigned the whole class book reports. They had one week to read a book of their choice, and another week to write the report. Christopher read so many books, his favorites were _The Giver_ by Lois Lowry and also _Holes_ by Louis Sarchar. He read that book with Daddy in three whole days. The latest book he was reading was a book called _Island of the Blue Dolphins_. He had started reading it with Daddy and then Buck took over reading it with him for a little bit.

Christopher took the book with him when he came to Texas. He was sure Ms. Flores wouldn’t mind, she was super nice like that. Besides, Christopher would be going back to California and his old school as soon as Daddy woke up. He would return the book to his classroom then.

Christopher finished his homework in time for dinner. Grandpa got home a few minutes after and they sat together at the table. 

“Time to say Grace,” Grandma said, and she and grandpa held hands and reached for Christopher’s. Daddy didn’t really pray, and they two of them didn’t really go to church, but Christopher was used to his Abuela and Tía Pepa saying grace every Sunday when he and Daddy would go to her house.

After saying grace, it was time to eat. Christopher reached for the serving spoon that was in front of the chile verde. Before Christopher could reach it, grandma swooped in and grabbed it. She picked up Christopher’s plate.

“Let me serve you, sweetie. You don’t want to get too much or too little. Waste not, want not.”

He knew how much he wanted. Daddy let him serve himself at dinner all the time. But these dishes looked fancy, and Christopher didn’t want to break anything, so he sat back and let grandma serve him. She handed him his plate back. Christopher picked up his fork to eat.

“Hold on, Christopher, let me cut this up a bit for you.” She took the fork and knife out of his hand and started cutting his food before Christopher could even reply. By now, he was used to this. Every time his grandparents came to visit, they liked to do most things for him. One time, he asked Daddy about it, and he had said that “ _sometimes grandparents just like to spoil their grandkids. It doesn’t mean they don’t think you can do it, they just want to take care of you.”_ Chris understood, but he didn’t like being babied and his grandma _always_ babied him.

“Ramon, where’s his sippy cup?” she asks, when Christopher puts his glass to his mouth. She stands up from the table and goes to the kitchen. Grandpa calls out that he thinks it’s in the top shelf of the cupboard.

“I’m fine with a glass,” Christopher says.

“Nonsense,” Grandma says, replacing his glass of water with a sippy cup for a toddler. “Don’t want any spills."

Christopher looked down at the table. There was a small puddle of water next to his place mat and some water stains on his shirt. 

He puts his head down in shame. “Sorry.”

Christopher doesn’t talk much during the rest of dinner. Grandpa asks to see his homework after dinner once grandma reminds him, but Christopher reassures him that he figured it out on his own. Grandpa accepts it with a grumble and moves on to the den.

Christopher follows him to where he’s sitting down on the couch. “Can we watch a movie?”

Grandpa looks at his watch. “Isn’t a little late? Shouldn’t you be getting to bed?” Grandma comes in. 

“Yes, Chris, let’s get ready for bed.”

“But it’s only eight. Daddy lets me stay up till 9:30 on school nights,” Christopher says.

“Yes, well, your dad may let you rot your brain, but we won’t have that in this house,” Grandma tuts. “Go brush your teeth, and then I’ll tuck you in.”

Christopher sighs, but listens, heading off to the bathroom. As he’s walking he hears Grandma mutter to Grandpa, “Can you believe Edmundo? Letting a child stay up all night just to watch TV.”

It wasn’t all night. The latest Daddy let him stay up was till 10pm and that was only on Fridays or Saturdays if they were having a movie night, and Chris usually always fell asleep before then anyways! 

Grandpa huffs. “He lets him get away with too much.” Daddy said that grandmas and grandpas liked to spoil their grandkids, but Christopher didn’t feel like he was being spoiled.

Christopher turns and listens silently from the open bathroom door. Grandma says, “We should’ve never let him out of our sight.”

Christopher frowns. He makes to shut the door.

“Christopher leave the door open please, honey!” Grandma calls.

Christopher sighs, but listens again.

He misses his Daddy.

Grandma comes in soon after he’s done in the bathroom and helps him change into his pajamas. She picks out his clothes for tomorrow and leans them on the desk chair.

Aww, _he_ wanted to pick it out. He didn’t like wearing the orange sweater grandma picked. It was too itchy and it would be too hot to wear tomorrow. Maybe in the morning he’d wake up before grandma and put on a different shirt before she could see. Maybe she wouldn’t notice.

Christopher goes to his backpack and takes out _Island of the Blue Dolphins_ , while grandma pulls up the blankets and tucks him in.

“Will you read with me?” Christopher asks. “Daddy and Bucky were reading this with me before.”

Grandma makes a face at that, but agrees. She takes the book from him and opens it up to where Christopher left his bookmark.

“Isn’t this a little advanced for you, sweetie?” she asks. She closes the book. “I know! I have some of your other picture books from before in a box in the other room. I can go get those--”

“But those are baby books…” Christopher whines. “I’m reading this book for school.”

It’s partially true. He had been reading it for Ms. Flores’s class. His new English class hadn’t assigned any book reports as of yet.

She gives in at that and starts reading. Christopher doesn’t like how she tries to do the voices. It doesn’t sound right. His Mommy did the voices the _best_ , but after she went away Daddy and Buck did the voices. Buck was decent, Daddy wasn’t very good at all.

She stumbles over the names of the Native Americans. “Actually you pronounce her name like this.” Christopher demonstrates. Grandma tries again, mispronouncing it the exact same way as before, before frowning and moving on. 

They’re nearing the end of the chapter and grandma is describing the scene with Karana’s younger brother and Ramo and some dogs.

“...and--Chris. What--what is this book? This is not appropriate for little kids to read!” She flips to the back and then opens the book to the same page. “This is too much violence for a fourth grader--”

“I’m in 5th,” Christopher mumbles.

“Ramon!” Helena calls stalking off out of the room. “Ramon, Eddie is letting Christopher read a book about a little boy getting killed by a pack of wild dogs--”

Christopher freezes, something scary washing over him. He doesn’t want to read with grandma anymore.

He sinks under the covers, pulling them up over his head.

Eventually grandma comes back in, but she must see Christopher laying down under the covers and assume he’s gone to sleep. She turns off the light and closes the door. 

Christopher cries silently, wishing his Dad was here to tuck him in, give him a kiss on the cheek and whisper, “Goodnight, mijo, sweet dreams.”

Daddy always wished him sweet dreams before he went to sleep. That’s what Christopher had wished for his Daddy too, while he’s sleeping. That’s what he wished for when he and Buck had taken turns whispering in Daddy’s ears.

_Sweet dreams, Daddy,_ Christopher thinks before he falls into a restless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Adriana quickly became one of my favorite minor characters of this series. And we got some Christopher POV! 
> 
> One more chapter for today, onward!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a note in case you only received an email update for chapter 12, I posted THREE chapters today, so don't forget to click back and read chapters 10 and 11.

Buck is sitting at the fire station, eating a stick of celery from the kitchen because he’s hungry but they hadn’t yet had a chance to go to the grocery store and refill the fridge.

His phone buzzes in his pocket. Picking it up, he sees it’s from an unknown number and frowns. He doesn’t typically get spam calls for some reason, and everyone else who called him on a regular basis was very meticulously organized in his contacts.

He didn’t typically like to answer calls from people he didn’t know. Something in the back of his head always made him think it was his parents trying to reach him and he just didn’t want to talk to them. But his parents hadn’t tried to reach him in years and there was no reason for them to try to now.

He answered.

“Hello?”

“ _ Hi Buck,”  _ Christopher’s voice comes. Buck nearly slams his knees into the table standing up.

“Chris? What’s wrong? Are you alright?” How was Christopher calling him right now? What phone was he calling from?

_ “I’m okay,” _ Christopher’s voice comes.  _ “I’m at the mall and I got lost and can’t find grandma so I’m with the security lady. She asked if I could call her but I don’t know grandma’s phone number.” _

“You have my phone number memorized?” Buck asks. Christopher didn’t have a cell phone, and yet he had memorized Buck’s phone number? In this day and age?

_ “Yeah, Daddy had me memorize his phone number and yours,” _ Christopher clarifies.  _ “Can you come get me?” _

If he were anywhere in California Buck would’ve been peeling out of the station faster than even their fastest record with the ladder trucks, but Christopher wasn’t here. He was in Texas, who knew how many miles away from him.

“Buddy…” Buck starts. “You know if I was there I would come to you, right?”

Christopher makes an “mmhmm” noise.

“But we’re in two different states right now,” Buck continues. “So I need you to wait where you are with the security lady and I’m going to call your grandma and have her come pick you up.”

_ “Okay,” _ Christopher sighs. 

“And hey,” Buck interjects quickly before Christopher can hang up or the phone can be taken away from him. “I’m gonna call you at your aunt’s house on Thursday okay? We can chat and catch up, does that sound good?”

Christopher seems to instantly perk up if the way he shouts “YEAH!” right in Buck’s ear is any indication.

Buck smiles to himself. God he loves this kid. “Okay. I’ll call you then. And buddy? Can we keep that between us?”

Christopher agrees.  _ “I won’t tell. Our secret!” _

“Yeah, our secret,” Buck laughs. Buck hears a woman’s voice saying something to Christopher in the background and then Christopher says goodbye and hangs up.

Buck sighs. He taps Helena’s number and calls her. When his third call goes to voicemail  _ yet again _ , he texts her. 

_ Christopher called me and told me he’s by the info station near the food court with mall security. Please let me know when you have him. _

Buck waits a good twenty minutes and gets no response from Helena. He sees the typing bubble pop up a couple of times. She has read receipts on so Buck knows she saw his message. He convinces himself the fact that she hasn’t blown up on him means that Christopher’s okay. Still he would like to know for sure that she has Christopher now. He almost texts her again when the bell goes off and he’s forced to put his phone away for the next hour while they have back to back calls.

When he gets back he checks his phone again and sees one reply.

_ Have him. Thnx. _

And that’s it. It’s more than Buck expected of her, and he’s annoyed that he’s so fucking relieved to get even that.

*

Thursday can’t get there soon enough. Buck plans it out so that he goes to visit Eddie during the time he’s going to call Christopher. 

He’s set up in the chair by Eddie’s side and asks. “You ready?”

He doesn’t get a response out of Eddie. At this point he wasn’t expecting any. 

He calls Adriana’s number and puts it on speaker so Eddie can hear. She picks up quickly.

_ “Buck! How’s my favorite brother-in-law?” _

Buck splutters, glancing sharply at Eddie like the man was somehow gonna spring awake at that very moment and make fun of him. He felt like he was in the 6th grade all over again, with his older sister threatening to tell his crush he liked them. “Wh-uh..I’m--I’m not--”

Adriana cackles loudly, and for some reason the first image that pops into his mind is Eddie’s laugh, especially when something surprised him. Hen was good at getting that surprised laugh out of him. The one where he threw his head back and his mouth is wide, his sharp teeth on full display. 

_ “I’m just fucking with you,” _ Adriana says as she calms down.  _ “Anyway let me get Chris. CHRISTOPHER!” _

_ “Yeah?”  _ Buck hears a little voice call back.

“Your Buck is on the phone!”

_ “BUCK!!!” _ Christopher shouts so loudly that both adults startle into laughter as well. Soon the phone is shuffled into Christopher’s hand and he lets out another loud shout of his name.

“Hey, Buddy! I missed you,” Buck says. “I’m in your dad’s room at the hospital so he’s here too.”

_ “Hi Buck! Hi Daddy!” _ Christopher shouts out loudly.  _ “I missed you guys SO MUCH! When are you coming to get me?” _

Buck groans inwardly. “Uh...well, Chris. Right now you have to stay in Texas with your grandparents.”

Chris doesn’t like that answer at all.  _ “But why?” _ he whines.  _ “I want to go back to California with you.” _

_ I want you to come back too _ , Buck thinks. “I know, buddy. Soon, okay? Just not yet.”

_ “You promise?” _ Christopher asks.

Shit. Buck can’t do that. He can’t promise Christopher anything if he doesn’t know what will come of it. If he can’t guarantee he can follow through. Eddie made it a point to never make promises to Christopher that he couldn’t keep. And with Maddie, her and Buck’s promises were binding. They never made promises unless it was serious and the other absolutely  _ needed _ a promise.

Buck changes the subject. “How’s Texas? And you’re new school?”

If Christopher picks up on Buck’s non-answer to his question, he doesn’t mention it. If anything, that makes Buck feel worse.

Christopher sighs. “ _ It’s okay. This school is a lot bigger and I don’t really know anyone.” _

“What about your friends from before?”

_ “I think they moved,” _ Christopher says.  _ “But my cousins go to my school! They’re in another grade though so I don’t really see them until after school sometimes.” _

“That must be fun,” Buck tries. “To spend time with your cousins. I don’t have any cousins.”

_ “You don’t?” _ Christopher asks like it’s a rarity.  _ “I have a LOT of cousins.” _

Buck laughs. “Both of my parents were only children.”

_ “Just like me! _ ” Christopher exclaims.

“Exactly, just like you,” Buck says. “But who knows you may get another sibling someday. I wouldn’t count it out.” Buck looks over at Eddie, wondering what would come of him once he got out of the coma. Would he look at life a new way? Seize the moment and all that? 

Would Eddie want to start dating again? Meet a new woman and make a new life? Any kid that had Eddie as a dad would be a beautiful kid.

Buck lets his mind wander, wondering what it would be like if he could raise Chris right alongside Eddie, and maybe another baby too.

Christopher hums like he’s thinking about it. “ _ Maybe!” _

“How are your classes going?”

_ “They don’t have an art class, _ ” Christopher starts off immediately, telling Buck all about his new school. This school had a large gym and big library compared to his old school, and they were ahead in all of his classes so he was trying to catch up.  _ “I like my old school better. I knew everyone there and Mr. Eaton always hung my drawings up in the hallways.” _

Buck smiles, listening to Christopher. He could let the kid talk all day and never get bored. Buck’s eyes stay firmly planted on Eddie’s face. Buck wasn’t surprised at all that such a lovely child came from someone like Eddie. Eddie didn’t always show it outwardly, but he was a sweet man, and when he was interested in something, he too got as excited as Christopher got. Sometimes when Eddie would talk about baseball, it reminded Buck of Christopher when he’d talk about the new episode of  _ Miraculous Ladybug  _ they were watching. The Diaz men were the passionate sort, and Buck loved the hell out of them.

_ “Hey Buck,” _ Christopher interrupts himself.

“Yeah?”

_ “Can I live with you?” _ Christopher asks.  _ “I don’t want to stay at Grandma and Grandpa’s house. They make me use a sippy cup and they won’t let me read  _ Island of the Blue Dolphins _ and I miss you and I want my daddy. I want to go home.” _

Buck looks at Eddie, mouthing “help?”  _ Maybe wanna wake up now, man, so you can help me figure out what the hell to say to your kid? _

Eddie doesn’t stir. Buck scrubs a hand down his face. Maybe if he talked to Bobby and some of the other guys in the station he could arrange for someone to cover his next few shifts. If he could get the next week off he could catch the soonest flight out of LA to Texas.

He was positive neither Helena or Ramon would let Buck actually see Christopher when he got there. But that didn’t mean he shouldn’t still try right? If he was Eddie, he knew Eddie would’ve gone anyway, just to let Christopher know that he would be there, even if he couldn’t see them.

“I’ll come to Texas,” Buck blurts.

_ Fuck fuck fuck fuck.  _ It was as good as a promise. 

Christopher cheers. He couldn’t dare take it back now. He couldn’t tell Chris he was going to come to Texas and not do it. He couldn’t break the kids heart like that.

Soon after Christopher has to hang up because Helena was coming to pick him up in a little bit. 

Buck looks over at Eddie. “See what you made me do?” he asks with no heat whatsoever. In truth, Buck knew he would bend over backwards for anything that kid wanted, and what Christopher wanted was to come home. That wasn’t possible right now, not until Eddie woke up, but Buck would be damned if he just let this go and sat on his ass in California while Christopher needed him in Texas.

He gets a text a few minutes later from Adriana.

**Adriana:** _Coming to Texas, huh? Mom and dad aren’t going to be happy._

Buck sighs. To Eddie he says, “How come everyone in your family loves me but your parents think I’m some kind of monster?”

He texts Adriana back.  _ I’m doing it for Christopher.  _

**Adriana:** _ Well yee-fucking-haw _

*

Finding others on the team who would be willing to cover his shift wasn’t actually all that difficult. Hen and Chim even volunteered too. It was just the talking to Bobby part that was going to be difficult. 

The day after his talk with Christopher, he texted Bobby asking if he could talk to him at work. Bobby instead invited him over for dinner that night with him and Athena. That didn’t sound appealing to him at all in the slightest. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk to Bobby, although it kinda was, but it was also that Buck had a habit of screwing things up extra badly whenever he was at Athena’s house. 

First it was the pulmonary embolism, throwing up blood all over Athena’s handpicked concrete tiles in the backyard and falling into her hydrangeas and crushing her perfectly landscaped bushes. Buck didn’t even like to think of the dinner when Bobby told him how he recommended he not return to work. Group get-togethers at Bobby’s house? Fine. But him by himself?

Buck told them yes anyway. 

He showed up at precisely 7:30 like he was told and he brought with him some wine he got from Maddie. If he was re-gifting they didn’t have to know. 

Athena greeted him at the door and Buck followed her in. Bobby was walking out from the kitchen, putting the last of a few food dishes on the table. It was the exact same image of that day all those months ago. Buck sat in his exact same spot and Athena was offering him food.

Buck sat in relative awkward silence, using eating and drinking as a way to keep his mouth busy. He didn’t know why he felt so uncomfortable. He’d never been this way in front of Bobby and Athena before. 

Eventually it seems Bobby was unable to take it anymore.

“Buck, I wanted to apologize.”

Buck slowly sets his glass down, folding his hands in his lap. He doesn’t know what to say. When Buck doesn’t immediately answer him, Bobby continues on.

“I wanted to apologize to you not just for the things I said to you in my office, but also for the way that I treated you-- No, the way I’ve  _ been _ treating you for a long time now. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting, talking with Athena and my pastor. I’ve not been fair to you.” 

Buck looks up, gazing at Bobby. He had to admit he didn’t expect Bobby to ever acknowledge the way he’d been treating Buck. 

“I admit that you worry me,” Bobby says, sharing a look with Athena before turning back to Buck. “Because I do think of you like a son. But I’ve also been convincing myself that I needed to protect you from the same mistakes I made. When I hurt my back I went back to work in less than 2 months time and all it did was make the pain worse. I had it so stuck in my head that I couldn’t get hurt, that I was stronger than that. My kids, they…” Bobby swallows. “They thought I was superman and I wanted to be out there in the field being that for them. Not being stuck at a desk.”

It was damn near the exact same situation Buck went through. How had Bobby felt when Buck had thrown that in his face, back in the hospital. 

_ I don’t want light duty! I quit.  _

“I did it to myself,” Bobby continues. “I pushed myself so hard that I made my pain a hundred times worse than it would’ve been if I had just listened to what others were telling me. I could barely make it through a 12 hour shift without being completely high on painkillers, let alone sit through my son’s little league game. Every day I regret going back to work so early. If I hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have gotten addicted. And if I hadn’t gotten addicted then…”

_ His family would still be alive. _

Athena grasps Bobby’s hand. Bobby reaches out and places his hand on Buck’s. Buck stares at it in wonder. Bobby wasn’t a tactile person, not really. Not unless you were Athena, and not unless you initiated it first. Buck doesn’t think Bobby has ever touched him like this.

“But who I was,” Bobby grits his teeth. “The mistakes  _ I  _ made...that’s not you. That’s not  _ on _ you either. It is my job as captain to be able to separate my emotions from the job, the exact thing I’ve been hounding you about, and I’ve been a giant hypocrite this entire time.”

Buck blinks away some wetness in his eyes, turning to look at Athena who is gazing right back at Buck with softness. 

“So it’s not just enough for me to say sorry. That’s never been enough. It’s on me now to prove to you that I trust you, because I  _ do,  _ Buck. Even if I made it seem like I didn’t. You’re a damn good firefighter, one of the best I’ve ever had the pleasure of working alongside. I meant every word when I told you being a firefighter is who you are. And you don’t deserve to feel like you aren’t respected by your own captain.” 

Buck sniffs, using his free hand to swipe away the wetness on his cheeks. Buck stays silent for a long time. This is all too much. It was...everything he ever wanted to hear from Bobby. Everything he never expected to hear from him either. 

Bobby squeezes his hand tightly, making no comment about the tears rolling down Buck’s cheeks and Buck does him the same favor by not mentioning the ring of red around Bobby’s eyes.

“Thanks, Bobby.”

Bobby snots. “What no Pops?”

Buck huffs a surprised laugh. “Thanks...Pops.” Maybe one day it’ll feel right to call Bobby that again. “And I’m also sorry. I said what I said because I wanted you to feel how hurt I was. That wasn’t right.”

Bobby sighs and with the exhale his face clears of all pain. “I know that. And I forgive you because I know that in your heart that’s not the kind of person you are.”

Buck nods, a weight he didn’t know had been carrying on his shoulders for years just...evaporating. 

Bobby pats his hand one more time. “Now, Buck, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?”

Buck quickly wipes his face with a clean napkin, taking a quick drink of water to dislodge the lump in his throat. 

“I, uh, I wanted to ask you for a week off next week,” Buck starts. He puts his hands up in front of him. “It’s not for me though. It’s...well I guess you could call it a family emergency.”

“Your parents?” Athena asks.

Buck shakes his head. “No, not them.” He takes a deep breath. “Actually, I’m going to Texas. El Paso.”

Bobby’s mouth drops open and Athena’s fork scrapes loudly against her plate.

“Going where?” “You’re doing what now?” They ask at the same time.

Buck rubs the back of his neck. “It’s for Christopher.”

Athena huffs. “Uh, yeah, I got that Buckaroo, but why on earth do you think it’s a good idea to go and crash in on Eddie’s parents unexpectedly?”

Buck presses his eyes shut, before speaking again. “Christopher’s not happy there.”

“How do you know that?” Bobby asks.

“He told me.”

Athena raises an eyebrow. “You talked to him?” The ‘ _ they let you?’  _ is unspoken.

“Eddie’s sister passed him the phone while she was watching him,” Buck gives as a simple explanation. He doesn’t bother telling him the rest of the conversations he had with Adriana or how he came to know Christopher’s schedule.

“Do Eddie’s parents know you’re in contact with him?” Bobby asks, eyeing Buck apprehensively.

Buck grimaces. “Not really, no.”

“Oh, Buck,” Athena says in her ‘ _ don’t go chasing waterfalls _ ’ voice--which he now knows is a TLC reference--and pinches her lips together. “You’re gonna go and Buck it up and get yourself served a damn restraining order.”

“I don’t have one  _ yet _ ,” Buck grumbles under his breath. 

“What are you gonna do if they call the police again?” Bobby asks. “Records like this aren’t helpful if you’re trying to persuade a judge to your side.”

“What you need to do is get everything in writing,” Athena interjects. “If we can’t stop you from going to Texas, the least you need to do is let them know you’re coming and ask them to see Christopher first. With their permission.”

“They won’t respond to me,” Buck argues. “And no way will they let me see him.”

“You’re filing for custody, right?” Athena asks. Buck looks over at Bobby who still doesn’t look too happy about it but doesn’t say anything. Buck nods. He had most everything ready.

Athena pulls her phone out. “I’m putting you in contact with the same family lawyer I recommended for Hen and Karen. Hopefully she can squeeze you in soon. Christopher has been a resident of California for the last two years so if you do this, his parents will have to come here for court.”

“Thank you, Athena.” He already has the papers ready to file, he just wants to talk to Christopher first. If he can’t talk to Eddie about this, then he needs to ask Christopher point blank.

“You can have next week off,” Bobby says. “I want you to really consider if this is the best thing for you and Christopher. It won’t be like when Eddie was here. You won’t get to come and go as you please. Once you do this, if you win, there will be absolutely no turning back.”

“I know Bobby,” Buck nods. “But there was a reason Eddie didn’t want Christopher to live with his parents. He had Abuela and Pepa listed in his will before them. They weren’t written in it at all, but because they’re his closest of kin and they had a good argument against Abuela and Pepa, they just gave him to them.”

“It’s gonna be a hard time if you’re just claiming to be Eddie’s friend,” Athena muses.

Buck sits back in his chair, looking up through his eyelashes at Bobby and Athena in turn. “What if...what if we were more than friends?”

Bobby makes a low humming noise, bringing his clasped hands to his mouth. “There’s no departmental record of it.”

“Would we be fired if we hid it from you?”

Bobby sighs. “No, not technically. It’s frowned upon, but we can’t legally force you to sign the forms especially considering Eddie isn’t awake to do so.”

Buck exhales a sigh of relief. “Okay.”

“Honestly it wouldn’t be hard for you to prove a relationship even without signing documents,” Bobby says, turning to Athena who nods alongside him. 

Buck splutters. “What--”

“You two already practically lived with each other. That gives you a probable parental relationship with Eddie’s child. There’s plenty of witnesses to that.”

Bobby continues, “You’ve been work partners for years now, not to mention how you reacted when Eddie was caught underground.”

Buck bristles. “T-That...that was different.”

“You mean to tell me you wouldn’t jump at the chance to be with Eddie for real if you could?” Athena asks, snorting and waving a hand. “ _ Please _ .”

Buck’s face burns red hot. It must be the wine. What was it once Chimney said about turning red with alcohol? Buck blames it on Asian glow. 

Athena laughs. “Given how involved you were with Eddie’s family and Christopher recently, I find it hard to believe even Eddie’s own parents don’t think you’re together.”

Something dawns on Buck just then. His eyes widened in horror. “You guys don’t think that...that Eddie’s parents wouldn’t let me see Christopher because they thought--because they thought Eddie and I--”

“Homophobia is alive and well, honey. Trust me,” Athena grimaces. “If you were just a friend, why would they have any reason to feel threatened by you?”

Oh shit. Oh fuck. Eddie’s parents thought Buck and Eddie were together. That’s why they took Christopher, isn’t it?

Bobby brings his hands out in front of him. “Now that’s probably one factor, but if Eddie’s parents wanted Christopher to themselves, it wouldn’t have mattered whether Buck and Eddie were involved or not. They would’ve taken him anyway.”

Bobby’s right. Of course Bobby’s right but it still scrapes at Buck’s back. If Adriana immediately assumed Buck and Eddie were together, then Eddie’s parents probably did too. And Pepa had told that one nurse earlier that Buck was Eddie’s partner. That was probably why all the nurses were so accommodating and letting Buck sleep over. They all thought they were together. 

Everyone did.

“If the shoe fits,” Athena says.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The past three chapters were relatively short and pretty introspective, so I wanted to get a few of them out so we could keep the momentum and not leave you guys hanging. Hope you enjoyed!


	13. Chapter 13

Buck receives a text from Adriana when he lands in Texas. 

**Adriana:** _Where are you staying?_

He lets her know he’s going to be at a La Quinta Inn about 20 minutes from the airport. He texted Helena to let her know he was going to be in Texas for a few days and that he would really like the chance to see Christopher if he could.

Of course, she hadn’t responded. So Buck left her a voicemail as well. She didn’t call him back.

Before Buck landed in Texas he talked briefly with the family lawyer Athena recommended. She was willing to take on his case for a reduced family and friends fee, but she needed to know sooner rather than later if he was going to go through with it so she could start preparing his case.

If Buck was being honest, he was hesitant to talk with her about much of the details. The last time he spoke with a lawyer, Mackey had asked him all this information about his teammates and Buck, stupidly, and thought that Attorney-Client privilege meant all that information would never leave his office. He was wrong. Every single bit of information Buck told him was used against them, and Buck would never stop feeling guilty for the looks in their eyes when Mackey threw each and every one of their individual traumas right back in their faces. 

That was his fault. He told them the secrets that they’d trusted him with and he was fooled so easily into just giving it away.

This is different though. Buck isn’t trying to sue the city; he isn’t trying to sue anyone. He’s just trying to bring Christopher home where he belongs.

So he spoke with her a bit. Told her some of what was happening, some of the information regarding Eddie’s parents being given temporary custody over Eddie’s appointed choices. When she commented that Buck was filing for guardianship of his long-term boyfriend’s child, Buck didn’t correct her. He would apologize to Eddie for the misunderstanding later. 

Buck confided in her that he was planning to go to Texas for a visit to Christopher but that he was worried that Eddie’s parents wouldn’t let him see Christopher. The lawyer, Julianna Carlton, said that at this point there was legally nothing he could do to force them to let Buck see Christopher. If they didn’t respond, or if they said no, that was it. 

He asked about if it was possible to visit Christopher while he was being babysat by his aunt. 

“ _That’s tricky,”_ she says. _“They could try to count that as an attempted kidnapping. If I were you, I would contact the local police department and let them know your information. Let them know you’re there to visit your partner’s child, that you will be seeing him with a family member present, and that you will not be attempting to take the child anywhere with you. If they have this on record, it will be much harder to prove if they try to falsely accuse you of anything.”_

Buck did just as was instructed. 

He wasn’t going to bother trying to show up at Helena and Ramon’s house. He arranged with Adriana to come over for dinner at her house the next night with her family. The next day she was picking up Christopher from school to take to her house since it was a minimum day and both Helena and Ramon needed to work. Ramon worked as a general contractor and owned a series of houses in Texas that he rented out. Helena was a home loan officer for a bank and couldn’t leave work early to pick Christopher up. 

The first night he didn’t do much but sit in the hotel room filling out additional forms that his lawyer sent him. He made a few more phone calls including calling Carla and letting her know what was going on. She was on his side, saying that she would definitely be a character witness as someone who knew Buck from prior to working with the Diaz's and also as someone who could attest to Buck practically living in the Diaz household.

Buck truly didn’t realize how much time he spent at Eddie’s house before he was being asked to relay how many hours he spent there a week. Sure, Buck knew that he stayed the night a lot, so it was only natural he spent his mornings with them until they needed to go to work. And Eddie always asked Buck to come over after work, especially if it was a late shift, or if neither of them had any important appointments or errands to run. So yeah, he often ate dinner with them, and then he and Eddie would spend their evenings catching up on the TV shows they were bingeing together that they could only watch whenever Christopher wasn’t there (which wasn’t often). When Christopher was there, they had a standing movie night--every night--where they watched the latest release and Christopher’s new obsessions. Christopher liked it when Buck and Eddie read him books before he went to sleep, so Buck couldn’t leave before that. After that, he and Eddie liked to catch up, talk about the day, maybe watch something else, maybe just chill. By then it was usually too late to go home. He was too tired to drive and Eddie’s couch was right there, and when he was lucky, Eddie would drag him to his room without comment.

Apparently spending all your free time and days off with two people, even if you didn’t _technically_ live with them, meant you were as good as living with them.

The rest of the team offered to be character witnesses as well. 

Really, the only two people he needed to talk to that worried Buck was Abuela and Pepa. Before he left, he called both of them and asked if he could take them both out to dinner. They turned that down, instead insisting that Buck come over to Abuela’s house and they would cook for him. He tried to argue that he wanted to treat _them_ , but they insisted.

_At Abuela’s house, Buck hovered near the kitchen, asking the two of them if there was anything he could do to help them._

_“I can cook you know,” Buck says. “Can I chop some vegetables? Peel some potatoes?”_

_Pepa turned to him with a hand on her hip. “Why don’t you set the table if you’re so restless.” She grabbed some dishes out from the cabinet and handed them to Buck who bounced happily with finally being given his task._

_He set those up quickly, and then went back for forks, knives, napkins and cups. When that was done in just a few minutes, he went back to the kitchen, hovering yet again._

_Pepa and Abuela exchange a laugh at Buck’s eager look._

_“I think you’re the only man I’ve ever met who_ wanted _to help in the kitchen.” Pepa shakes her head._

_Buck smiles at their light jabs. “Sorry, I don’t mean to get in your way. I’m just nervous I guess. And I’m usually the one cooking for Eddie and Christopher.”_

_Abuela pats his arm. “We are almost done, dear.”_

_Pepa hands him a serving bowl and spoon. “You can use those tree trunks you call arms to carry the food to the table. Off you go.”_

_Buck went and then came back for the other dishes as they finished. Soon enough they were ready to sit down and eat. Buck quickly went and pulled out the chairs for Abuela and Pepa, pushing it in for them as they sat down._

_Abuela glances down at her daughter. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say we were being buttered up.”_

_Pepa laughs. “Oh we most definitely are.” She squeezes Buck’s hand when he finally goes to sit down._

_“Buck, why don’t you tell us why you really wanted to talk to us today?”_

_Buck gives an awkward smile. “Uh, why don’t we serve ourselves first--”_

_They begin their meal talking about nothing in particular, Buck just letting them chat and catch him up on their lives. Buck doesn’t catch most of it, busy trying to psych himself up._

_“Um...have you talked to Eddie’s parents recently?” Buck asks them._

_They share yet another look._

_“We know of what happened when they left, yes,” Pepa says. “I know this is hard for you.”_

_Buck lets his hands fall into his lap._

_“Can I ask you a question?” He looks at their open faces, ringing his hands. “Do you think Christopher should live with them permanently? You know...if Eddie doesn’t…”_

_The air is silent around them. Both of their faces are filled with immense sadness._

_“Buck…”_

_Abuela sighs. “Ramon and Helena...they mean well. But they have a hard time seeing beyond the tips of their noses.”_

_Pepa shakes her head. “Helena prides herself on being a mother. She practically raised those three kids on her own for all Ramon was around.”_

_Buck nods, letting his head fall. If Pepa and Abuela thought Christopher should be with Eddie’s parents then…_

_Abuela grasps Buck’s arm. “Honey. Just because someone thinks they’re a good parent doesn’t mean they are. Or that they are the best person to parent every child. The two of them made many mistakes with Eddie and the girls, the consequences of which we are still seeing to this day.”_

_Pepa adds, “And while none of us were really fair to Shannon, Helena never liked her or gave her a chance to parent her own child. She blames Shannon for leaving Christopher, but it couldn’t have been easy for that poor girl to live in that house.”_

_“Regardless of whether Helena and Ramon should raise Christopher, I think that Eddie’s opinion should be trusted first and foremost,” Abuela says. “No one on this earth has done more to fix his mistakes or worked harder to become a better father to their son than Eddie.”_

_Buck looks at them and hopes that they can see where he’s coming from. He hopes that by now he’s proven himself to them and that they find him worthy of their family._

_“I would like to try and get guardianship rights of Christopher,” Buck says quietly, before adding, “And only for the time while Eddie is unconscious. The second he wakes up, Christopher should be back with him.”_

_Abuela and Pepa listen patiently, so Buck continues. “I love Eddie and I love Christopher like he was my own. I know I’m not half the father Eddie is, and I likely never will be, but I think I can be what Christopher needs. And I promise, I won’t ever stop trying to be what he needs. For both of them.”_

_Abuela and Pepa regard him quietly._

_“Buck,” Abuela starts. “While I am happy you came to talk to us, I think you know that you didn’t need our permission, right?”_

_“You’re the people Eddie’s closest to in his life,” Buck says. “You’re Christopher’s family. I didn’t just want to walk in and try to make it all about me--”_

_“You weren’t, honey,” Pepa says, taking his hand completely this time. “This whole time you’ve done nothing but love Edmundo and Christopher. We’ve watched you take care of them from the very beginning. You think I don’t remember when mama hurt her hip and you dropped everything during work to drive him to the hospital? You’ve been showing us who you are this whole time. Why would we ever object to Christopher having another father like you?”_

_Buck sniffs, ducking his head._

_Abuela shifts, leaning forward. “Buck, what is wrong? Why are you upset?”_

_Buck shakes his head. “I just don’t want to be another person trying to take Christopher away from him.”_

_“You said it yourself,” Pepa says. “You’re only doing this until he wakes up.”_

_Buck shrugs. “Yeah.”_

_Abuela tuts at him. “Edmundo_ will _wake up, even if I have to shake him awake myself.”_

_“And when he does, you’ll talk to him, tell him how you feel. He will understand.”_

_“He will love you all the more for it!” Abuela interjects, before reaching for his plate and serving Buck another helping. “Now eat up!”_

Buck fell into a restless sleep that night, followed by a restless morning. There wasn’t much to do in this part of Texas, and he was paranoid that if he tried to go anywhere, like to a store or sit down in a diner to eat, he might run into Eddie’s parents. 

It wasn’t like he hid his presence from them. He told them he would be here. But he was still anxious about being anywhere where he could run into them. It was like if he took one step out of the hotel, they might see him. Call the cops on him, or get him thrown in jail. It was stupid, he shouldn’t be this anxious over nothing. 

He hangs around the hotel, gets food from the McDonald's across the street for lunch and goes back to wait in his room, researching more all the while.

When it came time for him to go to Adriana’s house, he got an uber using the address she texted him. 

Adriana’s house was not what he was expecting. Eddie’s house was nice, but pretty small, and abuela’s house was even smaller. In comparison, it almost looked like Adriana had a mansion. Not a Malibu Mansion like some of the ones he and his team had been called to on rescues, but still pretty big.

A petite woman opens the door when Buck makes his way up the lawn. She’s got the same skin tone as Eddie, but her hair is cut rather short, only a little longer than Eddie’s had been when they first met. It curled in the front and it was dyed a wicked cool green. 

“Buck?” she asks. Buck recognizes her voice instantly and smiles.

“Adriana?” he points at her and smiles. “Nice to finally meet in the fles--”

Adriana launches herself at Buck and wraps him up in a hug. 

“Oof--!”

“Finally, dude! I’ve been waiting to meet you for so long! JULIAN?!” she turns back around, calling into the house, while still hanging off Buck’s shoulder with one arm. “COME MEET EDDIE’S BUCK!”

 _Eddie’s Buck_. He feels tingly all over.

A man comes out a moment later. He’s dressed in a basketball jersey and knee length black shorts. If Buck remembers correctly, Eddie once told him how he and Julian used to play basketball on the weekends when Adriana was away at college and that Julian used to sneak him Monster energy drinks when Helena wasn’t looking. Julian also looks Latino, with shorter spiky hair, and a wild grin. Buck likes him already. 

Adriana lets go of him and pulls him forward. Julian takes Buck’s hand, drawing him in.

“How’s it going man?” Julian pats his back. “Between Adri and Christopher, I feel like I already know you.”

Buck laughs, greeting him in turn. The two of them usher him into their house. The inside is just as big as the outside, high ceilings and a large dining room that looked like it never got used. They introduce him to their three kids, one of whom is Daniella, Eddie’s niece who took the pictures of Eddie for the hot firefighter calendar.

“Did your uncle tell you that I straight up thought they were professionally done?” Buck asks the girl who was now 14 and an even more talented photographer. “I don’t think you understand, I was _so_ jealous!”

Adriana snorts. “I’m sure you were.”

Julian nudges Buck. “Be thankful you weren’t there for the photo shoot. It was _painful_ trying to pull those expressions out of shy _baby Edmundito_ ~”

Adriana howls with laughter. “Oh shit! Buck! I gotta show you the photo albums hold on!”

Adriana sprints out of the kitchen, squealing to herself in excitement, leaving Buck and Julian to themselves. The older man goes to the fridge and pulls out a beer, passing it to Buck.

Julian sighs. “Man, it’s crazy right? Christopher definitely doesn’t get his energy from his dad that’s for sure. You can tell Chris is related to Adriana. Eddie and his resting bitch face wouldn’t make a peep if you paid him.”

Buck smiles, thinking about how bubbly and bright Christopher gets when he’s excited. Which was often. Buck loved it, but more than that, he loved the way Eddie smiled at Christopher. The way Eddie could watch Christopher stick random legos together for hours like it was the most entertaining thing in the world. How Christopher would turn to him and tell him about how this lego was a rocket ship and that one was a planet and Eddie would look simply _enraptured_. Buck knew the feeling, sitting back and watching both Diaz boys in their moments.

Julian gives Buck a sly grin. “Ah shit. I know that lovesick look. You’re _far gone_ on Eddie, ain’t you?”

Buck spits up a bit of his beer. “Uh--”

Julian laughs, ribbing him in the side some more. “Don’t lie, man! I see you, I see you!” He laughs, and Buck finds himself chuckling shyly along with him. What did it matter to deny it now? Everyone already thought Buck and Eddie were in a relationship. Why not just let it happen? Buck would deal with the fallout when Eddie woke up. “Shit, good for Eddie, man. Bout time he got himself someone who’ll stick by him after everything with Shannon. You’re here looking out for his kid when he can’t, like, that’s _love_.”

Buck flinches, thinking about Thomas and Mitchell. How blind Buck had been, thinking that he could find love in a random hook-up, could force it with someone like Taylor or Ali even though he knew it wouldn’t work. 

_You don’t find it, son, you make it_.

Buck had made it with Eddie. For years, he had been building his whole life around Eddie and Christopher without even knowing it. Did forever ever cross Eddie’s mind the way it crossed Buck’s? 

Buck crosses his arms, leaning back against the counter. He continues drinking his beer, wishing his usual drinking partner was here. He would’ve loved to meet the rest of Eddie’s family with Eddie and Christopher at his side. 

Adriana comes back in, grabbing Buck’s hand and dragging him into the living room where she had pulled out a whole basket of photos and a giant photo book. She shows him hundreds of pictures probably, mostly of Eddie growing up, but a lot of others featuring other family members. There are a lot of Helena and Ramon, as well as Pepa and Abuela. The ones that Buck’s eyes stick on are the pictures with Shannon and Christopher.

There’s a lot of pictures of the three of them with a newborn Christopher, so tiny and pink in a disheveled looking Shannon’s arms, with baby-face Eddie standing over them, an arm over Shannon’s shoulders. 

There are few of just Shannon and Christopher, where Christopher looks slightly older than an infant, maybe a toddler. Shannon...she looks tired, but she looks like she loved Christopher beyond words. How hard must it have been for Shannon to do what she did. Buck still didn’t truly understand how she could even manage a foot out the door. Here Buck was risking everything to have Christopher back. He regrets not getting the chance to know Shannon very well before she died. If she had lived, would the courts have given custody rights to her instead of Eddie’s parents? Buck almost felt like he would’ve preferred it if they had. Shannon, she would’ve let Buck see Chris, right? 

Eddie had told Buck that Shannon had it way worse living with Eddie’s parents trying to raise Chris than he ever did. If he thinks about it, would Shannon want Christopher back with the people who made her only parenting experience that much harder? 

Would Shannon approve of what Buck’s doing now? Would she approve of him trying to be another parent to Christopher? As much as Buck hated the idea of being a replacement parent for Eddie, he also didn’t like the idea of being a replacement parent for Shannon either. Buck could never replace either of them.

He hoped that wherever Shannon was, she was at peace knowing Buck would fight for Christopher for her, just as much as for Eddie.

Buck pauses on another picture. This one is of Eddie in his ARMY hat, his face the softest Buck had ever seen. It’s a close up of him, holding a swaddled newborn Christopher in his arms. Eddie’s leaning his face down and Christopher is reaching his hand out towards Eddie’s face. The smile on Eddie’s lips is absolutely blinding. Buck had never seen Eddie look happier. Buck can’t help starting at it for several minutes.

Buck had seen Eddie smile before. He’d seen it in pictures too, captured snapshots that never really did justice to the real thing. This picture almost seemed too intimate to look at. Eddie was fully clothed, and yet Buck felt like he was looking at something he shouldn’t. Eddie in this picture, cradling his little baby boy in his arms, looked like Eddie was holding his entire heart for the world to see. Buck could see Eddie’s soul radiating out from every inch of this picture.

It was too much.

Adriana sees him lingering on it, probably sees the way Buck’s fingers curl around the sides, thumb sweeping across Eddie’s face, across Christopher’s. She sees him hesitate to put it back into the pile of pictures so she picks it back up and hands it to him.

“Keep it,” she demands.

“No, I can’t. It’s not mine.”

“You have just as much of a right to these pictures as Eddie. We have a fuck ton of digital copies of Christopher’s birth. You can have one printed picture.” 

Buck lets himself smile, tucking the picture into his shirt pocket. “Thanks, Adriana.”

She reaches over and punches him in the arm. “Hey. We’re family. You call me Adri, got it?”

Buck reaches forward and hugs her. She lets out a surprised laugh and hugs him that much harder. “I know you love Eddie with your whole heart, just like I do. We’re gonna help you through this alright? My parents like to think they know best, but it’s like they only love you on their terms, you know?”

Buck pulls back, listening to her talk. “Like, when I first was coming into myself, learning what I liked and how I liked to express myself.” She gestures at herself. “When I first started dressing like this? Cutting my hair short, getting tattoos and wearing men’s clothes, my parents thought I was a lesbian and disowned me. It was only when I married Julian and started having babies that they let me back into their lives. To this day they don’t know I’m bi and they never will know. And it’s not because I’m ashamed of myself, but it’s because I value who I let know the real me. And my parents continue to prove that they don’t deserve the honor of knowing who I really am.”

Adriana is clutching Buck’s hands, Julian sitting behind her rubbing her shoulders. He says, “We definitely didn’t think Eddie would end up with a dude, but here you are.”

Adriana snorts. “I don’t know. Remember the guys on Eddie’s old baseball team? I _know_ I saw him checking out the ass on at least one or two of them.”

“He ain’t slick, aha!” Julian laughs, high-fiving Adriana with a little slide and flick at the end. Buck smiles at the sight. They really look like best friends and Buck likes the two of them together. 

They remind him of Buck and Eddie on the best of days. When he felt like he could read Eddie’s mind just from the slightest tick of his brow, just from how high he held his shoulders. Sometimes Buck found himself the odd one out, even among the team, even despite their best efforts. It was those moments when Eddie would touch his back, nudge his shoulder, knock his knee against Buck’s in the ladder truck. Or when Buck found himself chatting with people on their calls, he’d jump in with a ‘Buck’s an expert on tapeworms, _please_ don’t get him started I just ate lunch’ or a ‘don’t worry ma’am, Buck here is the cat whisperer, he’ll get her down in no time’ and all of it just made Buck feel good. Sometimes it was nice to be perceived, especially if it was by Eddie. It felt good to know Buck occupied space in Eddie’s mind. Maybe his heart too?

For now Buck kept himself content with just the thought that one day he and Eddie would have the home and family that Adriana and Julian had. 

Maybe he’d already been building it this whole time.

*

The next afternoon couldn’t come fast enough. 

Before he could even get out of the uber to Adriana’s house, Christopher comes sprinting out the front door, as fast as he could with his crutches, and Buck makes up for his lack of speed by bounding over to the little boy and engulfing him completely in his arms.

“BUCK!”

Buck hugs him tighter, his hand coming up to cradle the back of Christopher’s head. He turns his head and kisses Christopher’s curly head. “God, I missed you so much.”

From behind them, Adriana looks over at them with a sweet smile.

“You’re here! You’re here!” Christopher keeps repeating, practically vibrating out of his skin. “Come on, me and Harley are playing in the backyard. You have to come with us!”

Buck lets Christopher lead him in through the house and out to the backyard. It’s a proportionately large backyard. There’s a patio where Julian is sitting out on a chair next to a mini bar, and a pool in the sun with a diving board off the right. On the left there’s sprawling grass and trees and a whole garden. In the middle of the grass is a children’s playground--not as big as the ones in parks, but it has a set of two swings attached to it and a ladder to climb up to the top of the slide. It was adorable. 

Christopher dragged him over to swings. “Push me, Bucky! Tía Adri won’t do it anymore.”

Adriana who had followed them out playfully snarks. “Hey, I pushed you and Harley for twenty minutes before Buck got here.”

Julian whistles. “Yeah, and Buck’s got more muscles than both of us combined. He can push you way higher than all of us.”

Buck blushes under the hot Texan sun and Adriana and Julian crackle amongst themselves. 

Christopher looks positively delighted. “Yeah! When Bucky and Daddy take me to the park they take turns pushing me and the other kids! We always fly the highest when they push!” Christopher turns and looks at Buck over his shoulder. “Harley knows how to do a back flip on the swings! Show him, Harley!”

Adriana’s youngest daughter starts swinging on her own and Christopher squeezes Buck’s hands as they watch. The girl swings up, does a back flip over the swing seat and lands in perfect form. Everyone in the vicinity erupts into loud cheers. The little girl bows. 

“I challenge you to a swing-off!” Harley points at Christopher. “You up for it, Chris?”

Christopher throws his head back to look at Buck in question.

Buck laughs, leaning down to whisper conspiratorially into Christopher’s ear. “I think we can take her Chris. What about you?”

Christopher turns and whispers in his ear. “We got this!”

“Let’s go!” Buck shouts. Harley jumps back onto the swing and Buck reaches for the metal chains on Christopher’s swing, pulling him back and back until he’s almost hoisted over his shoulder.

“ _Damn_ Buckley!” Adriana calls out with a laugh. 

“GOOO!” Buck lets go and pushes Christopher’s swing forward. The little boy goes flying into the air, shrieks of joy filling up the backyard. As quickly as he swings forward, he swings back and Buck catches him easily with an exaggerated grunt, flinging him forward again with a bit more force.

Harley was giving Buck and Christopher a run for their money though. Despite that, she cheers Chris on more than herself. “Come on Chris! You can do it! You’re gonna beat me!”

Buck reaches over and gives Harley a little boost too to which she hollers a bright “THANK YOU MR. BUCK!” and continues kicking high, almost completely at the same height as Christopher.

“What do you think, guys?” Buck calls out to Adriana and Julian. “Looks like a tie to me?”

“Why don’t our master swingers come and get some lemonade and cookies as a prize, huh?” Adriana asks, pulling out a pitcher from the fridge.

Both children squeal and Buck hands Christopher his crutches. He drags Buck over to the little table on the patio behind him. Buck pulls out a seat for himself and one for Christopher, but to his surprise, the little boy opens both his arms towards Buck, silently asking to sit on his lap. Buck almost didn’t understand for a second. Christopher’s always been so independent, always wanted to have his own seat-- _no booster seat!_ \--always wanted his own fork and knives. But he didn’t want that this time. 

“Can I sit with you?”

Buck chuckles at the sweet questioning look on Christopher’s face and lifts the boy up, depositing him on his lap. Adriana comes out with the cookies a second later and smiles at the two of them.

“These are my famous Oreo stuffed M&M and chocolate chip cookies. Buck, prepare to be blown away,” Adriana says as the kids and Julian reach for them instantly. Her two older kids, Dani and Marco come out and grab a couple themselves before disappearing back inside the house to resume whatever they were doing. 

“Tía Adri brings these to my house every time they visit,” Christopher tells Buck. 

Before Buck can say anything to that, Christopher continues. “Tía! Me and Bucky bake together all the time! We make banana bread for Daddy cause it’s his favorite. Oh! And me and Bucky like cupcakes so we make those whenever Daddy lets us. Sometimes he lets us get funfetti!”

“That’s my favorite flavor!” Adriana laughs.

“Mine too!” Harley echoes. 

“Not mine,” Julian states. “Double chocolate all the way.”

“Nice.” Buck leans over and high-fives Julian.

“Finally, someone with taste.”

“We made a chocolate cake for Daddy’s birthday!” Chris says. “And Buck made him orange pancakes for breakfast in bed.”

“Abuela’s recipe?” Adriana asks, smirking at Buck who hides his face behind Christopher’s head. 

“Yeah, that one!” Christopher says. He then starts off on an unending babbled play by play of everything he and Buck did together, followed by everything he, Buck and Eddie did all together. The whole time Adriana and Julian continue to give Buck knowing and mischievous looks. 

When Christopher gets up to go to the bathroom, Harley having gone inside a few minutes earlier to join in whatever her siblings were doing, Julian leans forward.

“Man, you’ve been that kid’s other dad for a while now huh?”

Buck avoids their gazes. “I--”

Adriana nudges Julian with her elbow. “I told you so.” She smiles at Buck. “I swear Buck, that’s the most excited I’ve seen Christopher the whole time he’s been here.”

“He’s a happy-go-lucky kid, no doubt about that,” Julian adds. “But we ain’t seen him smile _like that_ since he got here, huh Adri?”

She shakes her head. “He missed you a hell of a lot.”

Buck takes a bit of another cookie, chewing it just for something to do with his mouth.

“I don’t know if it’s me, or if it’s just being with me reminds him of being with his dad,” Buck admits.

“I think it’s a bit of both,” Adriana says. “You’re Eddie’s person, you know? Christopher knows that. And he knows that they’re yours too.”

 _You’re Eddie’s person_.

Was he really? So many nights Buck had spent alone, wishing that he would someday be someone’s person. That he would be the priority, the one that was thought of before anything else. He’d seen it, at the firehouse, he’d known that everyone else had families that they would ultimately choose over anything. Buck had thought that there was only ever room for Christopher in Eddie’s heart. He felt guilty sometimes, wanting to occupy space in Eddie’s heart that should belong only to Chris.

Since they’d met, Buck had thought that Christopher was Eddie’s one and only _person_. Not even his parents, or his abuela or Pepa, or even Shannon would ever come close to Christopher in Eddie’s heart. Surely there was no way someone like Buck could even dream of belonging to Eddie.

Christopher comes out soon, this time pulling up a chair beside Buck but scooting it over so that he can still be plastered to Buck’s side.

Adriana taps Julian’s hand, signalling for the both of them to get up. To Buck, she says, “We’ll give you two some time, yeah? We’re not expecting Mom till 5 to pick him up so take your time.”

Buck nods, giving her a thankful smile. He would need to do something for her, for her family, as a thank you. He didn’t know how he would ever repay her for actually allowing Buck a way to be here with Chris, a chance to talk to him after he’d been taken away and Buck forced out of Christopher’s life by his grandparents. He would think of something to do for them later.

For now, he looks down at Christopher and runs a hand through the boy’s soft curls. He gestures over to the little bench shaded by a tree situated off to the side of the backyard near the playground. “Will you come sit with me, Chris?”

Christopher nods eagerly and the two of them make their way over. From here, they could look out over the whole backyard, the sunshine glistening off the water in the pool, the breeze shaking the trees overhead. Christopher scoots in close to him when they sit and Buck throws an arm over his tiny shoulders.

Buck doesn’t know how to start. “I missed you so much,” he ends up saying again, because that’s all he can feel at that moment. An overwhelming wave of longing, for Eddie to come back, for him and Christopher to be back at Eddie’s house, sitting together all three of them on the couch.

“I miss you all the time,” Christopher tells Buck, leaning in to wrap his arm around Buck’s lower back. “You and Daddy and Mommy.”

Buck squeezes the little boy to him, rubbing a hand down his arm. 

“Chris, I want to talk to you about something,” Buck starts, taking a deep breath. “You know how you currently live with your grandma and grandpa?”

“Yeah,” Christopher says.

“I was wondering how you would feel if I could make it so that you could come live with me?” Buck asks.

Christopher’s head shoots up. “Really?” he almost shouts. “You mean it?”

“I--” Buck furrows his brow. “I can’t promise that it will work, Chris. But if you would like, I would like to try and ask the government if you can come live with me.”

“Like at your house?” 

“I was thinking at your house,” Buck corrects. “And Christoper, I also want you to know that I’m not trying to replace your dad. This would only be until he wakes up.”

Christopher is quiet for a second. “What if he never wakes up? What if he goes away like Mommy?”

Buck turns his head away, forcing the tears back into his eyes. Swallowing hard, he forces a breath out and continues.

“If--and that’s a _big_ if-- something happens to your dad and he...he doesn’t wake up,” Buck clears his throat. “Then you’ll stay with me. We’ll stay in California with your Abuela and Pepa.”

“What about grandma and grandpa?’

Buck squeezes him tight. “They can come visit whenever they want, your whole family can. And we’ll visit everyone in Texas all the time.”

Christopher nods, seemingly pleased with this answer.

“Just know that I want what’s best for you Christopher…” Buck starts. He then sits up and moves off the bench so that he’s kneeling in front of Christopher. “I want you to be wherever you feel you want to be...and even though I’m not your dad, I love you like you’re my son. But I won’t force you to choose me. And I will not love you any less if you want to stay with your grandparents.”

He grasps Christopher’s hands, looking into this precious little boy’s eyes. “Your grandparents love you too...just sometimes not in the right way. And whatever you choose, your dad will always love you. He’s still fighting to come back to you. To us. Never forget that.”

Christopher leans forward. He puts a hand on Buck’s cheek. “You want to be my new dad?”

Buck rapidly blinks back the tears but they escape anyway. “Yeah. And not just because your dad isn't here either.”

Christopher asks with a small voice, “If dad comes back will you still want to be my dad too?”

“I've wanted to be your dad for a while now.” Buck strokes Christopher’s hand on his cheek. “To me, you're already my son. This is just making it official.”

“Do you love Daddy like how Daddy loved Mommy?”

Buck sits with the question. He already knows the answer but he just doesn’t know if he should say it. In the end, looking at Christopher, he thinks more than anyone he deserves to know the truth.

“Yeah, I really do.”

Christopher’s answering smile is blinding. “Does Daddy love you?”

And that’s the million dollar question, isn’t it? The truth is Buck has no idea. He could be doing this and Eddie would wake up only to feel uncomfortable, or like Buck was only doing this to trap him. It’s why he makes a silent promise to himself that no matter what happens when Eddie wakes up, Buck will follow his lead. Whether Eddie and Buck ever become an _Eddie &Buck _or not, Buck would not abandon them.

“I--I don’t know,” Buck manages to stutter out.

To his surprise, Christopher giggles. “I think he does.”

“You do?”

Christopher leans forward conspiratorially. “Did you know Daddy _hates_ olives?”

“What?” What does that have to do with anything?

Christopher nods. “He refuses to eat them. He wouldn’t when Mommy made them or when grandma or abuela cooked with them. He always takes them out even when grandma used to yell at him.”

That’s weird, Buck thinks. Buck makes a couple dishes with olives in them all the time, and Eddie has never said a word let alone taken the olives out right in front of him.

“But...I make dishes with olives.”

Christopher laughs out loud like it’s the funniest thing he’d ever heard. Buck’s heart melts at Christopher sweet little giggles.

“Exactly,” Christopher squeezes Buck’s shoulder, reminding Buck so much of his father it’s not even funny. “He eats them when _you_ make them.”

“But--”

“I asked him once,” Christopher tells him. “And Daddy said he doesn’t mind eating them when you make them. He said that you like olives, and he didn’t want you to stop, so he eats them. He said that if he told you he didn’t like olives you would never eat them again.”

Buck moves back to sit next to Christopher on the bench. “He...he did?”

Christopher nods emphatically. He then motions for Buck to lean down towards him. Buck goes and Christopher cups his hands around Buck’s ear. “I think he loves you too. A lot!” Christopher whispers.

Chris throws his arms around Buck. “I want to live with you and Daddy!”

Buck cries. He doesn’t care anymore. He lets himself cry and he lets himself smile and he cradles his boy to his chest. 

Sniffling, Buck says. “It might not be right away. I have to turn in some documents and other things have to be scheduled, but I promise Christopher I will do everything that I can. And Chris?”

“Yeah?”

“You...you can change your mind if you want to. At any point, okay? I won’t be upset or mad,” Buck tells him. “Okay?”

Christopher nods and holds out his pinky to Buck. 

Buck laughs wetly and wraps his pinky around Christopher’s.

He’s going to have to go about this the legal way. Christopher might not be able to come live with him right away, but he’s going to take the issue to court. He’s going to fight for Christopher, because that’s what Eddie would do. 

That’s what a father would do for his son.

So when Buck leaves Adriana’s house that evening and goes back to his hotel room, he calls up his lawyer and tells her he’s ready. This time, he knows what he’s doing. This isn’t like fighting for his job back, this is fighting for Christopher, and for Eddie. This is fighting for the future Buck wants with them.

With the last of the documents sent to his lawyer, it’s officially done. He doesn’t know how long it will take, and he doesn’t know what’s exactly in store for him, but he feels ready to take on anything if it means bringing Christopher back to where he belongs. 

With Eddie and Buck, his family. 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, a reminder that this is not meant to be a 100% accurate depiction of family court/family law/mediation or custody battles. Many artistic liberties were taken. With that being said this chapter does mark the start of all the law stuff so I hope everyone who was waiting for it is happy with it all!
> 
> See you on the other side

Christopher opens the door to the bathroom silently. It’s late at night but he had to go and he didn’t want to wake his grandparents up. He left his crutches in his room, instead just choosing to walk slowly. 

He had a hard time falling asleep that night, he was too excited! After hanging out with his Buck, he was ready to go home. He just didn’t know when that was going to happen. Buck said it might take a while, but it already felt like a long time passed and Christopher just wanted to go home. He wanted to put his room back together, and he wanted to go play with Jamie down the street, and he wanted to go back to his school and back to his art class.

He wanted to go visit daddy. Christopher hadn’t seen him in a long time. He asked about daddy all the time but grandma and grandpa didn’t tell him much other than “there’s no change yet, Christopher”. Maybe if Christopher was back there with him, he would wake up sooner.

Christopher knew that his dad would wake up for him. He knew it, even if sometimes he got sad thinking about if daddy didn’t wake up. But most of the time, he knew deep inside that his daddy would come back for him. He promised, and daddy didn’t make promises he didn’t keep.

 _I’m never going to leave you again_ , Dad told him before they moved to California and Christopher believed him. He knew it--he just _knew_ his dad would wake up. He just needed some time. It was like in the mornings when Christopher would try and wake daddy up at 6am and he would ask for ten more minutes. Sometimes dad just wanted to sleep in. That’s what he was doing now. Sleeping in like on Saturday mornings. 

Buck was always up earlier than daddy. He would cook breakfast with Christopher, or sit in front of the TV and they’d watch reruns of _Ed, Edd and Eddy_. That show always made the both of them laugh because all three main characters shared the same name as his daddy, and sometimes Buck would lean down to his ear and whisper “think your dad likes jawbreakers as much as Eddy?” and Christopher would laugh when Buck would repeat it again in front of Daddy when he woke up and Daddy would just look so confused. His face would go all twisted and he would make the funniest “ _guh?_ ” noise and Christopher and Buck would giggle together.

That’s how Christopher looked at it. While his dad was sleeping, Christopher would go be with Buck, and when dad woke up, they’d all be together again. Christopher couldn’t wait.

From the living room, Christopher saw a little light and the sound of hushed voices.

Christopher walked slowly towards the living room, as quiet as he could be, like how he usually did when he was trying not to wake dad up, and stopped just before the wall separating the hall and the living room ended.

He leaned forward, straining to hear what was happening. He could hear his grandma and grandpa’s voices.

“I cannot believe this man,” his grandma’s low voice comes. “Does he honestly think he’s going to win this? He is no one to Christopher. He’s not family.”

 _Are they talking about Buck?_ Christopher wonders. He _is_ family to Christopher. Christopher knew that Buck wasn’t related to him like daddy or mommy was, but Buck was _his_ Buck. Christopher didn’t know anything of Buck’s other family other than auntie Maddie so Christopher decreed that Buck’s family was him and daddy. That was final. No take-backsies, that’s what Denny always said. Buck belonged to them, _absolutely no take-backsies._

“I don’t know what case he thinks he has,” grandpa says. “Can he even legally do this?”

Grandma huffs. “He can, obviously.”

“Do we really have to go all the way back to LA to go to court?”

Christopher perked up. They were going back home!

Grandma plops something down onto a table, it sounds light, like setting papers down. “We have to. Christopher’s still a legal resident of California. He hasn’t been here long enough to do this in a local family court.”

“They’re not going to give him custody,” grandpa says. “What judge in their right mind would give a child to a _friend_ over his blood grandparents?”

Grandma’s voice rises, “That’s exactly the point! He’s trying to claim rights as Eddie’s long term _partner_. I _told_ you this would happen. Eddie ran off to LA, shacked up with a _man_ and he’d been living with them practically this whole time. A total stranger living under the same roof as Christopher. Who knows what could’ve happened?”

Christopher didn’t get it. What were they talking about? It was nice having Buck live with them, even if he still went back to his apartment every now and then. Christopher liked knowing Buck and Daddy were asleep together under the same roof as Christopher. It made him feel safe, like if something happened, they were only just down the hall and he could get them if he needed them. If he had another nightmare about the tsunami, Buck would sit with him in bed and hold him, hands over his head, face buried in his hair just like when they were sat upon the firetruck. Daddy laying down next to him, hand on Christopher’s arm, watching them. Those were always the best nights, when Christopher could trick both Daddy _and_ Buck into falling asleep in his room. 

“There’s no way he can win this.” Grandpa says again.

“He’s not going to. We have our proof. We’ll print out the texts, we have the public records, police records. We have a copy of Eddie’s previous will. They don’t need to know about the changes. He’s not taking Christopher from us. No matter what Eddie says.”

*

Buck was spending all his free time cleaning Eddie’s house, gathering documents for his case and talking to everyone who he’d asked to be a character witness.

He gathered the records of him being on Christopher’s files at his elementary school listed as his guardian. He asked for the records from the couple of times Buck took Christopher to the dentist and for a few of his physical therapy check-ups. 

Buck needed to do everything he could to show that he could be a good provider and a good parent to Christopher. After he fixed up Eddie’s house, he went and did the same to his apartment. There wasn’t much to do in terms of child proofing given that if Buck wasn’t with Eddie and Christopher in their home, then they were with Buck in his apartment. He had a spare room downstairs that he had mostly used as his gym before, but he had long since started using it as a spare place for Christopher to sleep. It wasn’t nearly as decorated as Christopher’s room at Eddie’s house, but there some of Buck’s favorite drawings Chris had ever given him in there. He ordered some more furniture, a little desk to go in Christopher’s room and a small drawer for excess clothes that didn’t fit into the closet. 

The only thing that worried him was the stairs. With Chris’s CP, Buck worried the judges might think the stairs were too much for Christopher. He made sure to officially note that while Buck would be keeping his apartment, if he won guardianship, he and Chris would be living full time in Eddie’s house. Buck would be shifting the rent payments to himself. 

He scheduled an in-home evaluation shortly after for his apartment. It seemed to go well and the evaluator didn’t seem to care too much about the stairs. Christopher’s room was downstairs and accessible to him as was the bathroom, living room and kitchen. It was only Buck’s room up the stairs. 

They had a meeting with a mediator coming up soon after Eddie’s parents and Chris landed in California.

Given how well the last mediation Buck was a part of went, he was _not_ looking forward to it. But he has his plan worked out. He and Chris would be living in Eddie’s home until Eddie woke up and could resume parenting Christopher. He believed this to be best because Christopher’s school that he had attended for the last three years was here, the school was better suited towards Christopher’s needs both academically and due to his disability. His in-home care aid whom he’d had for the past three years was here and her relationship with Christopher made it so that Buck (and also Eddie) could provide for Christopher without worry of a babysitter or brushing it off on relatives who might not be fully prepared to supervise a child with CP. His strongest case, he believed, was the fact that Christopher’s father was in the hospital in Los Angeles. It was far better for Christopher to be near his father, in case he woke up as the doctors were suggesting could happen any day now. He has that statement from Eddie’s doctor in writing too. 

He had a list of all of Christopher’s doctors, which he had called and spoken to personally, as well as Christopher’s child psychologist, his physical therapist and the principal of Christopher’s school who had records of his volunteering. 

Buck knew that Eddie’s parents were going to play the family card. They were going to say that Christopher knew them best, had lived with them for the first six years of his life. That all of Christopher’s family was in Texas. 

Buck had his responses for that ready. The family members that Christopher was closest to, his abuela and Pepa and their families did live in Los Angeles, and Christopher had spent the better part of three years cultivating his relationship with them. Not to mention that Christopher also had a strong community in the 118. Athena agreed to be a character witness as Buck had often watched Christopher and Harry together when Bobby and Athena had their date nights. Christopher, just as much as the other 118 children, viewed the adults as family. Maddie and Chim were Christopher’s aunt and uncle, and Bobby and Athena sometimes felt like grandparents in their own right--though Athena hated the idea of being called _grandma._ Christopher was best friends with Harry and Denny even though they didn’t go to the same schools, they were around each other so much that they were almost like cousins rather than just close friends. 

Buck had all of the 118 ready to be character witnesses too, if need be. His parenting plan was solid, complete with how often he would take time off specifically so he and Christopher could fly out to Texas for Christopher to visit his grandparents--nearly three times as much as Eddie had visited them. In fact, Eddie never visited them if he could get away with it. The only times he’s known of Eddie visiting family was when they came here to them. Buck thought he was being extremely generous to these people who seemed to hate him for absolutely no reason.

Buck was ready as he would ever be.

*

Christopher was back in California, and Eddie’s parents were staying with him at Eddie’s house again.

The mediation was scheduled for the next day and Buck was getting anxious. He had a meeting with Julianna today and they went over their case again.

“And remember, they might try to bad mouth you. They’ll bring up reasons why they don’t think you’re fit to be a parent, but as long as you keep it civil, and don’t try to slander them in return, we are likely to get on the good side of this mediator.”

Buck was just so fucking nervous. Eddie’s parents could bring up anything. The tsunami and the ladder truck--to say he’s physically unfit to parent Christopher. His health records from the pulmonary embolism, or even the time he spent away from work due to the lawsuit. They could use any and all of it against him and Buck was fucking _terrified_.

Julianna taps his arm lightly. “Don’t worry. You’re charming and a firefighter. You got a lot of brownie points going for you. Just be yourself and everything will be fine.”

Buck turned and quickly found a wood surface to knock against.

*

The inside the mediating room was so like the last one, expect this time, instead of sitting across from his teammates--his family-- and watching them get absolutely obliterated with information that Buck had provided the lawyer he believed he could trust, he was sitting across from two people with frowns on their faces, glaring daggers at him.

Fake it till you make it, was all Buck could think. So when he saw them again for the first time since they’d called him another mistake Eddie had made, he stuck out his hand to Ramon with a smile and cheerily greeted the older man. To Helena, he gave her a swift hug and an even sweeter smile, before turning and greeting the mediator who had joined them. 

“Alright, my name is Joseph Salazar and I will be your mediator today.”

Buck slides in, holding out a hand to which the man takes. “Hi Joseph, it’s great to meet you. I’m Evan Buckley, but most people call me Buck.”

Joseph smiles kindly at him. “It’s very nice to meet you as well Buck.” He turns to the Diaz’s and offers his hand to them as well. “And you must be Mr. and Mrs. Diaz, correct? You’re Christopher’s biological grandparents on his father’s side?”

“Yes,” Helena says stiffly. She holds out her hand and shakes the mediator’s briefly. Ramon in turn does the same.

“Alright,” Joseph says, after greeting Buck’s lawyer and the Diaz’s lawyer. He takes a seat and the rest of them follow suit. “Let’s get started shall we. Tell me a little about yourselves and your relationships with Christopher.”

Buck gestures to Helena and Ramon, indicating that they could start first. They start off by giving a recap of being there for Christopher while Eddie had two tours in Afghanistan, and also how they supported Eddie when Shannon left. Funny enough, they don’t share with the mediator how they had asked Eddie to give up his rights to Christopher and let him live with them full time.

“We were just worried, you see,” Helena explains to the mediator. “Eddie was working so many jobs, and we thought it best that he find a firehouse in Texas, near us so we could continue to support him and Christopher while he worked.”

Lies. They didn’t want to support Eddie while he worked, they basically told him that by trying to raise Christopher on his own, he was only going to ruin Christopher’s life--drag him down like wanting to be there for your kid was a _crime_ or something.

“And Christopher has been living with you for the past month, correct?”

“Yes,” Ramon says. “For about two weeks in California and two weeks in Texas.” 

They wrap up, and the mediator turns to Buck.

“And Mr. Buckley--”

“Buck, please.”

The mediator smiles. “Buck, you met Eddie and Christopher through work?”

Buck confirms. 

“And how long into your work relationship did the two of you become romantically involved?”

Shit. Okay, what was the timeline they were going for here?

“Well, we started off as friends for a while. He’s my partner at work, but also one of the best friends I ever had so we mostly took it slow. I got to meet Christopher a couple of weeks after Eddie joined the LAFD. Around the time of the 7.1 earthquake.”

“Ah yes,” Joseph says. “I remember that. Quite devastating.”

“Eddie and I worked together to rescue civilians out of the toppled high rise. The whole time he did nothing but worry about Christopher. It was only after, when I took him to go pick up Christopher that I saw how much the two of them loved each other. And...well, that’s sort of when I fell in love with him. We didn’t officially become a couple until much later.”

“How long would you say?”

“About 8 or 9 months ago.”

“I see. And you were living with Eddie and Christopher during this time?”

Not technically. 

“I still had my own place but about 98% of my time was spent with Eddie and Christopher, to the point that I was basically living there.”

The mediator hums and continues taking notes. He asks a few more questions of Eddie’s parents and Buck in turn. Questions about how they handle Christopher’s CP and how his education has been coming along, how his cognitive developmental state is.

“Christopher’s in fifth grade, but he reads at a middle school level,” Buck says. “His dad and I have been trying to foster a love of reading in him, just like his mom did before she passed, as well as encouraging his love of drawing and art. The school that he was enrolled in, before being taken out when they moved to Texas, had an amazing art program specifically for students like Christopher who sometimes find communication easier through art rather than words.”

Julianna winks at him when the mediator nods with an impressed look on his face. _Take that, Helena!_ If Buck sticks his tongue out at her in his head, no one has any proof.

The mediator asks them about visitation and how they’d been fostering healthy relationships between Christopher and his extended family. Buck is beyond prepared for that one. He tells the mediator all about how Buck has made it so that Christopher was able to be a part of abuela and pepa’s life as well as Christopher’s new family with the 118.

Eddie’s parents' lawyer speaks up. She’s a tall white blonde woman with her hair tied back in a tight bun. “Mr. Buckley, isn’t it true that you sued your department for wrongful termination? If your relationship with your firehouse was one of family, surely a lawsuit wouldn’t have come about? From what we gather you were unable to contact anyone in your firehouse including Eddie and by extension, Christopher. Doesn’t it seem counter-intuitive to sue your department if it meant you wouldn’t see your partner and child?”

Buck takes a deep breath. He knows where that one came from and he knew where it would go if he didn’t explain his side.

Buck turns to the mediator, telling his story to him and not to the lady sitting at Eddie’s parents side. The snub seems to irritate her but she schools her face. Buck could almost see smoke rising out of her nostrils.

“At the time I believed that I was wrongfully being held back from resuming active duty. To me, suing the department to get my job back meant coming home to my family. It meant working by Eddie’s side again. During the lawsuit Eddie and I were not officially together and he was rightfully upset with me for the distance the lawsuit put between us and Christopher. Eddie knew what it was like to be betrayed by people who he trusted.” He pointedly eyes Eddie’s parents but it’s not enough to be obvious to anyone except them. “And he was doing everything he could to make sure that didn’t happen to Christopher again. It was then that I promised myself that any decision I made going forward would be with Christopher in mind. I thought it over for a long time. If I didn’t believe I could give Christopher the best life he needs, the life Eddie had sacrificed everything he had to give Chris, I wouldn’t be sitting here talking with you right now. Nothing means more to me than Christopher anymore.”

“My client has been co-parenting Eddie Diaz’s son for the past two years, including the time when he and Mr. Diaz had not been an official couple. Buck has showcased his commitment to parenting Christopher even prior to having the unspoken obligation due to being Mr. Diaz’s domestic partner. My client has been a de facto parent to Christopher for these most formative years of Christopher’s life, while his grandparents have been living in Texas with very few visits--”

“That’s hearsay, you don’t have proof of how often my clients did or did not visit their grandson,” their lawyer snapped.

“Christopher lived with us for six years,” Helena scoffs, turning to Joseph with a scowl hidden by a concerned face. “Since he was born. That’s longer than he’s been with Eddie even. Surely, that would make us better suited towards raising him.”

The mediator lifts his hand. “Not necessarily. That’s why we’re here today, to sit down and talk about what we think is best for the child. Please remember that I am not here to make this decision but rather to make a condensed record of both parties' case points, and make a recommendation to the judge. The judge can still make a different ruling, however this does not need to go to court if we can reach an agreement.”

Helena and Ramon don’t look happy with that at all.

“I don’t believe we will reach an agreement,” Ramon states. “My son and this man were never married. My son’s will put my mother as the guardian which we contested and won. I don’t understand why this is being revoked now.”

“Mr. Buckley has been thoroughly interviewed and his background has been checked. This was already done due to him being a public servant, and he also conducted a home evaluation as well.” Julianna slides a piece of paper over to the mediator. “Mr. Buckley has no criminal or violent history, nor a history of drugs or alcohol abuse. He also has a long withstanding personal relationship with the child. There’s nothing to disqualify him from contesting guardianship.”

Eventually they continue on with the questioning. Buck does his best to answer all of them without getting too heated when Helena and Ramon speak to him like he shouldn’t even be given the time of day.

The mediation ends and Joseph shakes hands with all of them again before taking his leave, meaning Buck was left alone with Helena, Ramon and their lawyers.

“We will be taking this to court,” Helena states. “I don’t care what the mediator says.”

Their lawyer advises them to stop talking and ushers them out. Helena stops in front of Buck, who holds himself firm, not one betraying emotion on his face.

“Do you really want to put Christopher through this?” She asks, coming towards him. “Take him away from the only family he’s ever known? Are you truly that selfish?”

“I think that’s enough,” Julianna counters, motioning for Buck to follow her out. “If we cannot be civil we will have to take this to court and let them proceed however they would like.”

Buck follows Julianna out of the room, following her down the hall into a private meeting room that Julianna reserved the other day.

“I think that went very well,” she tells him, shifting her briefcase to the table. “I think the mediator got to know your personality, and got to see how you speak of Christopher and your way of handling immediate conflict.”

“You don’t think--I don’t know, he might’ve thought I was too young? Too immature?” Buck asks. “The stuff about the lawsuit--”

“I don’t think we have to worry about too much. Obviously, they weren’t going to settle for mediation only from the start. I was hoping we could skip over the court proceedings, but it’s looking like that’s not going to be the case.”

“Julianna?”

“Yes?”

“Are they going to ask Christopher what he wants? Or is it going to just be whatever the mediator and the judge think is best?”

She sighs. “He’s a bit too young for his opinions to be taken seriously in court. But if it comes to it we might be able to make an appeal to ask him his preference. After all, what we’re currently fighting for is temporary guardianship, not lifelong custody.”

“But if Eddie doesn’t wake up…”

“That’s another matter entirely,” Julianna says. “If it comes to it--and by ‘it’ I mean either Eddie is declared legally brain dead or he passes--then we can bring up the issue of permanent custody.”

Buck nods, but he still doesn’t feel too good about all of it. What if the mediator chooses Chris to stay with his grandparents? What if all of this was for nothing? 

Buck wished Eddie would wake up tomorrow so all of it would become a moot point. 

“We should get the mediator’s report soon. And when we do, then we’ll know if we have some ground to stand on. Even if the mediator recommends the Diaz’s that doesn’t mean the judge will agree with him. And if they do, we can always appeal the decision.”

It all just went in one ear and out the other. He didn’t understand anything about the legal processing, even for all the research he did, it all felt so large and overwhelming without any straightforward answers. It felt permanent, but also not, like any decision made would be appealed and then re-filed and it would just go round and round until someone gave up and said enough.

It was way more than he ever had to deal with in the lawsuit against the city.

But it was worth it if it meant he’d have Christopher by his side.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mild trigger warning's in end notes--
> 
> IT'S THE MOMENT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!
> 
> drum roll please....

They get their scheduled court date.

It takes some time but eventually, the mediator sends out his recommendation to which Julianna calls him right away.

“This looks very good,” she tells him. “It very much looks like the mediator is leaning in our favor. It just makes sense. Christopher’s whole life is here in California. Judges typically tend to vote in favor of the option that doesn’t cause an upheaval of the child’s entire life.”

It was such a relieving feeling. To know the mediator liked him, thought he was worthy of being Christopher’s guardian. It wasn’t a final decision, just a recommendation, but it was great news because while judges didn’t _have_ to agree with mediators, they did tend to agree with their recommendations most of the time.

With the court date approaching, Buck spent all his time either working or studying up questions Julianna gave him to prepare for the lines of questioning he might get from the Diaz’s lawyer and also from the judge.

Buck picked up a bunch of extra shifts while he still could to pay for Julianna’s time and also for the mediator and the time spent on that. He’d then have to pay for the upcoming court date. In the slow moments at work, Buck worked on his case, talking to his teammates about their personal statements. Some were just submitting written statements and others were going to actually be asked to show up in court--mainly Bobby and Athena. 

When he gets a chance, he pulls Bobby away from the others and to the kitchen where they’re alone. 

“Thank you for doing this for me Bobby,” he says. “You didn’t have to. You know, after the way I treated you. You didn’t deserve that.”

“Maybe not,” Bobby said. “But it was a wake up call for me to see how unfairly _I_ had been treating _you_. Actually, no. I knew how I was treating you, but I just convinced myself that if I didn’t bring it up, the problem would go away. I still wasn’t learning my lesson and I kept making the same old mistakes. Even though it hurt, I needed it.”

“I’m still sorry,” Buck says. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“I know you didn’t. And I know that’s why you keep apologizing for it. That’s not who you are. You’re compassionate, even for the people who do you wrong. That’s why I think that Christopher _does_ deserve you as a father. Or a guardian, or whatever. I can’t keep trying to tell you you’re the same immature kid I met all those years ago because it’s not true. You’ve grown more in a shorter amount of time than anyone I’ve ever met. That’s nothing short of amazing. Most people don’t change. They don’t _want_ to change or they can’t. But not you.”

Buck flings his arms around Bobby and hugs him. Bobby stands frozen for a moment, but then relaxes and hugs Buck back. 

Bobby pats his back. “Don’t worry about court. We’re your team and we have your back. Christopher is just as much our family as yours. We won’t go down without a fight.”

“Thank you, Bobby” Buck sniffs before letting go and pulling away.

“Don’t mention it--” The bell sounds and the pair of them run off downstairs to get into the truck.

*

The hospital room is the same as ever. Eddie lying on his back, steady breaths, steady heartbeat. He looks healthy, like he had regained his color.

Laying there, he just looked like he was asleep. Like with a gentle nudge he’d flutter his eyes open and rejoin them. 

Buck took a seat next to Eddie, taking his hand and kissing it like he’s grown accustomed to doing every time he visits him. 

“Hey, Eddie,” he says softly. He reaches over, brushing away some of the short hairs on Eddie’s forehead. His hair was growing out, Buck thought, might be the longest it’s been in a while. Still nowhere near the length he had when Buck first met him, but Buck doubted Eddie would ever grow it out that long again. He actually didn’t mind the medium look with the soft swoop. It made Eddie look younger, sweeter. It suited his rosy cheeks. Made Eddie look beautiful; a vision to behold.

Buck pulls the picture of Eddie and Christopher out of his pocket. 

“I hope you don’t mind if your sister gave me this picture,” Buck says, turning the picture so that Eddie could see it. “You look so in love in this picture. No, I know you are. Christopher is the love of your life.” 

Buck smiles, stroking baby Christopher’s face. “You know, I always wanted kids. Ever since Maddie used to drag me into playing house with her and her dolls. She always got to play mommy and I always had to play the son, or the brother or the uncle. A couple of times I snuck into her room when she was at school and played with her dolls by myself. I got to be the dad for a little while. I had a lot of fun, especially when my dad didn’t catch me at it. My own little secret.”

Buck’s face darkens. He thinks about his father, how mad he used to get when Buck would forget to turn in his homework, or forget a test and sleep through it. He remembers how he used to hide his report cards behind his wooden bed frame so that his dad wouldn’t see them. Once, when Buck’s bed spring had broken, his dad had gone to replace it and found all the old failing report cards behind the bed. He’d gotten the spanking of his life, both for the bad grades and for the fact that he’d been lying to his dad. He remembered how he had sat Buck in the passenger seat of his car and drove him downtown, to the underpass where he parked and pointed out all the homeless people, living in tents and in boxes, huddling around on-fire trash cans for warmth.

_“If you don’t get your act together, you’re gonna end up just like these hobos. Living in a cardboard box by yourself. Is that what you want, Evan?”_

_Buck shook his head. “N-No.”_

_“Good,” his dad snapped. The old man looked out the window at the people surrounding them and huffed, muttering something about how these low lives couldn’t even take care of themselves. Buck leaned forward, staring out the window. He caught eyes with an old woman, how sad she looked. Buck wanted to help her. He wanted to do something about it. This wasn’t her fault; it wasn’t any of their faults. Just because they didn’t have mommies or daddies that put a roof over their head didn’t mean they didn’t deserve any home at all._

_Buck’s dad drove them home and Buck went up to his room. He looked around the room, at all the things he had that he didn’t pay for. That his mom and dad bought him._

_He didn’t feel like he deserved any of it. As Buck fell asleep, he thought to himself that when he grew up and had babies, he would give them everything they wanted, but he would also tell them that not everyone was so lucky to have a family._

_And sometimes, Buck thought, you could have a mommy and daddy and a house and every toy you could ever want, and still feel like that old woman sitting in a tent on the street by herself. Alone, watching people drive by and point out their failures to their frightened kids._

“When I got older, I stopped playing house as much.” Buck rests his head on his knuckles. “In high school, in college, it stopped being about wanting someone to have a family with, and instead just started being about fucking. If you only ever expected one thing from people, they couldn’t disappoint you when they didn’t want you.”

Buck looks down at the hospital floor. “I still loved kids. They were my soft spot. Did you know I once had to rescue a little girl who crawled into a toy claw machine?” Buck chuckles to himself. “She was adorable...and impressive! I don’t know how in the hell she contorted herself to get up the toy shoot but she did.”

Buck laughs at the memory of that night. When he used to think about the full moon, it would always remind him of Abby. But as time passed, and after he’d gotten his closure with her, he was finally able to look up at the fool moon and not think about Abby. Now he just remembers how much fun he had with Bobby, bringing babies into the world and pulling tapeworms out of asses.

Still, the thought of Abby sobers him up. It felt like a scar from years past, the pain of it had long faded, but the mark on his skin was still visible. 

“When I was with Abby, it was the first time in a long time I thought about having a family again. She didn’t have kids of her own, and she never said that she wanted kids, but I saw a future with her. Or at least I wanted one. I never told her that though.”

He thinks back to Abby’s fiance and his two daughters. Abby and him were probably married by now, and his kids were her kids too. She had a whole family now.

“Seeing her and her fiance--husband--and how she got the family I always wanted it--it was just like I was left there with nothing.” Buck sighs. “It hurt because I wanted that with her, but she didn’t want that with me. Not with _me.”_

Buck strokes his fingers along Eddie’s arm. “Would you hate me if I said I wanted it with you?”

Eddie doesn’t answer, his chest just rises and falls in a steady pattern. He felt like a fourth grader sitting in the middle of an empty field picking the leaves off a flower. He could count Eddie’s breaths, inhale _he loves me,_ exhale _he loves me not,_ over and over for ages and he still wouldn’t get an answer.

Buck nods his head. “Yeah...I guess after Abby left the first time I lost all hope of ever being a father. I didn’t think I had it in me, you know? To be what somebody else wanted. To be what they _needed._ And then I saw you and I saw Christopher, and I fell in love with both of you almost instantly. It was like playing with Maddie’s dolls all over again, but better because it was _real._ All I wanted to do was give you and Christopher everything you needed. Christopher needed someone to watch him? I’m there. You need someone to pick up groceries? I got you. I just wanted to be everything you needed.” 

He caresses Eddie’s cheek, stroking it with the back of his knuckle.

“It felt good to see you smile, to see how relieved you were when you didn’t have to worry about cleaning, or worry about being late on the electric bill. It made me feel good to make you feel good.” Buck laughs darkly. “That used to be only something I’d feel during sex. But with you, it doesn’t feel bad. When I give to you, it doesn’t feel like you’re using me. When you poke fun at me, it makes me feel like I’m on top of the world. You make me feel _wanted_ Eddie, and we’ve never even slept together. It’s fucking incomprehensible to me.”

He leans over Eddie’s bed, wrapping both hands around Eddie’s hand. Snuggling into the warmth of Eddie’s unmoving hand cupping Buck’s cheek. 

“You and Christopher somehow accidentally gave me the family I always wanted.” Buck sucks in a breath, trying to stop the tears that are coming. He leans his head onto Eddie’s stomach, hoping it would help. But with Eddie’s hand fallen on his head, it hits him worse.

He chokes back a sob. “I don’t want to do this without you,” he croaks, voice breaking completely. “Eddie, I love Christopher, but we need _you._ I want to be a dad, but I want to be a dad with you. I want us to be his dads together. I don’t want to be fighting your parents at every turn, but I will if it means one day you get to come home to your son. And to me.”

He chokes back the tears again, pulling up and away from Eddie, wiping his face. “I want you Eddie. I’m so fucking in love with you, and I would give anything to say those words to your face and have you _hear me.”_

Buck leans forward and kisses Eddie’s cheek. He lingers there for a long moment. 

“Please Eddie.”

Buck leaves the hospital soon after, his picture of Eddie and Chris back where it belonged in his pocket, pressed against his heart.

He doesn’t see the way Eddie’s heart monitor skips a beat.

*

“All rise for the honorable Judge Goraya.”

Buck and Julianna rise as do Helena and Ramon. The judge makes her way to her seat and sits. They all follow suit.

In the gallery behind them, Carla is sitting a couple rows behind them. Bobby and Athena are dressed in uniform and Maddie is dressed in a nice blouse and skirt next to them. Buck himself is in a suit. 

The courtroom is empty other than them and another woman sat behind a typewriter on the left hand side of the judge.

“We will now begin. Will the Diaz party please state their case.”

Helena and Ramon’s lawyer steps forward, presenting papers to give the judge along with signed statements from family members (who, Buck had no idea because he knew for a fact neither of Eddie’s sisters were backing them) attesting to Helena and Ramon’s experience as Christopher’s grandparents. 

Their lawyer starts their case in relatively the same way as in the mediation, talking about how involved they had been in Christopher’s life for the first half of his life.

The judge then motions for Buck’s lawyer to do the same. She presents his case to the judge, how Buck is Eddie’s domestic partner-- 

“Are you legally registered as domestic partners?” They are not. The judge doesn’t seem too pleased with that, but Julianna goes on, explaining Buck’s involvement in Christopher’s life, how much of a prominent parental figure he had been for the last two and a half years.

“And what is your financial status?” 

Buck stands up and explains his salary with the LAFD. With reluctance, he also admits about the sizable inheritance he’d received from his father when he’d graduated college. How he hadn’t used any of it except for the down payment on his apartment. He was more than prepared to cover the finances for his own apartment and for Eddie’s house as well as covering Christopher’s medical fees, school fees and anything else. 

Julianna passes some bank statements up to the judge. “My client has also started a college fund for Christopher that will be accessible to him when he turns 18 whether or not Mr. Buckley maintains any legal guardianship rights or if at any point Mr. Buckley and Mr. Diaz suspended their domestic partnership.”

Buck didn’t have any use for the money anyway. At least this way, Christopher could choose a school that worked for him. Or if he didn’t want to go to college but instead wanted to travel to Bali or Chile and paint, become a travelling artist, he could use that money to fuel his dreams. 

Eddie had no idea he had done this. He actually started it a while ago. Right after Eddie had emerged from 60 feet underground, unharmed and alive. At that point, he’d done it just because he needed to feel like at least Christopher would have something if Eddie passed. He’d done it even when he hadn’t been considering being Christopher’s guardian. And he and Eddie hadn’t been together, still weren’t, so even if Eddie woke up and thought Buck had crossed the hugest line that they couldn’t come back from, that money would still go to Christopher, even if Eddie didn’t want to speak to Buck ever again.

The judge then asks for Buck’s character witnesses to take the stand. The first to go up is Bobby.

“Please state your name and relationship.”

“Robert Nash, Captain of Los Angeles Fire Department House 118. Buck is a firefighter who works under my supervision.”

“And how would you describe Mr. Buckley?” Julianna asks him.

“Buck is an incredibly selfless and kind man,” Bobby starts. “Both on and off the job. He’s a people person. That can sometimes be a difficult part of our job. We’re spending all of our energy focusing on saving a person, and it can be easy to forget your bedside manner. That’s where we bring Buck in. He has a way of calming people down, even making them laugh during the scariest moments of their life--in those situations when you don’t know whether you or your loved one will live or die. Whenever we get calls involving children, Buck is always our front man. We used to joke that it was because he was like a big kid himself--”

Bobby looks over at Buck and something in his eyes goes soft. 

“--but the truth is that Buck has a way of getting through to children. Of making them feel included. Making them feel heard. The truth is that Buck doesn’t get along with kids because he acts like a kid, it’s that he treats those kids with so much respect that those kids feel like their thoughts and opinions matter. He treats them like people. The same has never been truer for Christopher, if not more so.”

Julianna moves onto the next question and Buck is sitting there, thankful he wasn’t the one asking Bobby these questions because he just knows he would’ve teared up and leaped over to hug Bobby.

She moves onto Athena next.

“You’ve worked with Mr.Buckley periodically over the last four years, correct? How would you describe him?”

“My first impression of Buck wasn’t the greatest, I’ll be honest. I thought he was a bit fool-hearted. He thought he could save everyone if he just threw his whole self into it, that there was only one right way to do things. If there’s one thing I’ve seen from Buck that impresses me most, more than his tremendous empathy, it’s his ability to learn from his past mistakes. This man is not afraid to admit when he’s wrong, when he’s hurt others. He owns up to it, he makes amends and he actually goes the distance to make sure he continues to be a better person for you.”

Buck smiles at Athena. This was so different from the last time he sat and watched his family get interviewed by a lawyer. This time, instead of raking them over the coals, they were standing up for him. Believing in him.

“When Buck’s sister Maddie was kidnapped about a year and half ago, Buck didn’t let the limitations of his situation stop him. Together, with our combined resources, we were able to work with the police and track her down and get her back home safely. I know that if it wasn’t for Buck we never would’ve found her on time. If there’s one thing you can always count on from Buck is that he will always be there for you. Once you're his person, there’s nothing on earth that would stop him from loving you. He’s loved Christopher from the moment he met him, and that won’t stop till the day he dies. Maybe even longer.”

This time, Helena and Ramon’s lawyer stands up and takes the stand.

She questions Bobby first.

“Is it correct that Mr. Buckley sued the city in spring of last year?”

“Yes.”

“And is it correct that the reason for his lawsuit was because he was denied his request to return to active duty due to a medical condition that you and the department believed would make him a liability in the field?”

Bobby eyes her, before they flicker over to Buck. He knows just as well as Bobby that they thought the days of questioning about this lawsuit were over. The guilt eats at Buck’s stomach like acid, all these months later. The lawsuit was still coming back to bite Buck in the ass. 

“That’s correct.”

“So, it is true that Mr. Buckley, despite the recommendations of his doctor, and despite the decisions made by the LAFD, continued to push his body beyond its limitations for selfish reasons?”

Julianna stands up. “Your honor, that is a leading question. Motion to strike.”

Eddie’s parents' lawyer hides a sneer but continues.

“Let me rephrase,” she starts. “As Mr. Buckley’s captain, do you believe that he has the ability to gauge risks within the context of his own limitations? Do you believe he can do so for Christopher?”

Bobby’s eyes flicker over to Buck once more, but this time Buck can’t read his face. Buck could feel himself starting to sweat. This was the one thing Buck knew Bobby felt he couldn’t do. He always thought Buck took unnecessary risks and got himself into trouble without thinking about the other people around him. Would Bobby lie and say the opposite of what he felt? 

Bobby clears his throat. “As a captain, one of the strongest qualities we can have is the ability to think beyond the limitations in front of us. In times of high stress, we need to be able to think clearly, rationally and above all, resourcefully. There are many times Buck has shown these exact qualities in moments where even I struggled to find a solution. He does this on and off the clock as well. He rescued dozens of civilians on his own during the Santa Monica pier tsunami while being right in the middle of it with Christopher. He not only kept that little boy safe, he saved the lives of countless other people while being injured himself.”

Bobby looks down in shame. He sucks his bottom lip in and then continues. “Due to my own personal biases I thought it was best to not let Buck back after his injury. I have since retracted the statement, even before the lawsuit against the city was filed.”

Buck’s eyes widened. Bobby did _what?_ How come he never told Buck before? Why did he just let Buck go and file the lawsuit when everything could’ve been prevented?

“The truth is that Buck is a risk-taker, yes, but they are calculated risks. They’re risks taken with Christopher in mind, with Eddie in mind. I may have let my own worries cloud the reality of it in the past, but I see it for what it is now. Whether you are someone he knows personally or not, Buck will always give 110% of himself to save you. He personifies what it means to be a true hero.”

Buck blinks hard, trying not to let himself cry in the middle of court. He catches Athena’s eyes and she smiles at him. _I told you so,_ he could practically hear her say.

After Bobby and Athena are off the stand, Carla is called up.

“Ms. Price, is it true that you knew Buck prior to becoming the home aid for Mr. Diaz?” Julianna asks her.

“That’s right. I was a home aid for a family prior to that and the daughter was very close with Buck,” Carla answers.

“And is it true that Mr. Buckley was the one who recommended you to Mr. Diaz for Christopher?”

Carla smiles. “That’s right. Buck saw a friend struggling, and he asked me to come and meet him.”

“And at the time Mr. Buckley and Mr. Diaz were not romantically involved?”

Carla chuckles. “That’s correct. Although if you ask me, Buck was all in for Eddie and Christopher from day one. When he first asked me to help them, he couldn’t stop talking about how much Eddie loved his boy. He wanted to help him, but didn’t want to encroach. Instead he wanted to give Eddie the chance to decide for himself if a home aid was what they needed. And here I am.”

“You’ve spent a lot of time with both Eddie and Christopher as well as with Buck,” Julianna starts. “Can you give us an example of why you think Mr. Buckley would make a good parental guardian for Christopher?”

Carla takes a moment to think, before she smiles. “That’s an easy question. Given my job, I get this question a lot. Parents will feel guilty, like having an aid for their children means they aren’t doing enough for their kids themselves, but that’s not true. It means they have the presence of mind to be aware that sometimes you can’t provide everything for your kids, that sometimes you need outside help.”

Carla continues, “Children with disabilities are a whole other ballgame. The kind of emotional support we have to provide them is much different than we would if that child was able-bodied. Not all parents are ready to provide, are _capable_ of providing this. I always encourage family members to research on their own. Read, take classes, listen to your kids. For every moment that I’ve known Eddie, his primary focus has been to give Christopher what he needs physically, emotionally and psychologically. Buck has been doing the same.”

She gives Buck a smile across the courtroom. “Buck helped Eddie to discover the tools to get Christopher what he needed. Both by introducing us, but also just by his continued involvement in Christopher’s life. My favorite example of this is when Christopher got hurt at school because he wanted to try skateboarding. He fell down, scrapped up his knees a bit, and of course he was embarrassed and Eddie was worried. Now most of us, we advised Eddie that now was the time to have a talk with Christopher about his limitations as a child with CP. And while it’s important that he knew his limitations, Buck was the only person that said hey, maybe we’re thinking of this in the wrong way. What can we do to make Christopher have a chance to experience the things he wants, the little things any child might want to experience? Instead of asking ‘how can we teach Christopher to adapt to our inaccessible world?’ Buck asked ‘how can we make our world adapt to what Christopher needs?’ He did his research, going above and beyond for him, and found him a CP accessible skateboard. He enlisted Eddie and my help as well, but it was entirely his idea. It was so beautiful seeing the look on Christopher’s face when he got to experience riding that skateboard with his daddies pushing him along. I have the whole thing on my phone if you want proof.”

She gives a good-natured laugh at the end and Buck nearly chokes on his tongue when he sees the judge chuckle slightly at that as well.

Buck remembers that day well. The way Eddie had been bouncing off the wall as the two of them assembled it before Eddie had to go pick up Christopher from school. The way Eddie made Buck promise not to give away the surprise before it arrived in the mail even though Buck was _dying_ to tell Christopher. 

The way Eddie looked at Buck once they’d strapped Christopher in. His face alight with a kind of pure joy--a carefree radiance, like for five minutes he could stop worrying about Christopher and just enjoy the moment--that Buck so rarely got to see. 

He had the video on his phone too, he’d asked Carla to send it to him after she left them that night and the three of them went back home. Christopher had asked to ride that skateboard the whole rest of the afternoon. And even when they went to go have dinner, he asked to ride it right after too. The two of them took Chris to the skate park all the time, or sometimes just rode around the block. Buck had already been looking into getting an accessible bike for Christopher too--and he was looking into the community Paralympics group for parents that he saw on Facebook.

When Carla is done with her testimony, she pats Buck on the shoulder, giving him a light smile that says _you got this._

“Court will take a short recess for lunch.”

It’s like a collective breath is released. Buck stands up, leaning towards Julianna. “How was that?”

She takes his arm. “We’ll talk more about it in the conference room.”

His stomach lurches. “I don’t know if I can eat lunch.”

Julianna sighs. “Buck, if there’s one thing you don’t want to do, it’s neglect your own health. We need you in tip top shape. Come on. Let’s hit the vending machine.”

Bobby comes up behind him and holds out a cooler bag. “Or, you can have a homemade lunch.”

Buck launches himself into Bobby’s arms. “Thank you for everything you said.”

Bobby wraps his arm around Buck’s back. “I meant every word of it.”

Buck pulls back, sniffing and wiping his eyes silently with a smile. Athena gives him a hug and says, “Well, that was probably the easiest court case I’ve had to testify for.”

“How many have you been to?” Maddie asks.

Athena pops a hip. “Girl, I’ve been on the force for nearly 30 years, do you think I’ve kept count?”

Julianna taps his arm, pulling him aside and down the hall briefly. “I just wanted to let you know that I just received notification that they’re planning on asking Christopher what he wants to do.”

Buck’s head snaps up. “Seriously?” His voice inches higher. “That’s good, right? Gives us a better chance?”

She smiles, “It does give us a better chance, but again, sometimes with these cases, they don’t always stick with what the child says. But they’re at least asking him so there’s that.”

“When?”

“Eddie’s grandmother offered to bring Christopher by the courthouse, they should be here in about 20 minutes. They’re going to have him testify last in the chambers without us and then the judge is going to make her decision.”

Buck nods. Okay...Okay, they can do this. 

It was almost over.

*

Adriana opens the door to her parents house and throws her bag on the table by the door. The kitchen is her first destination, specifically the hard lemonade in her mom’s fridge. If she was going to ask Adriana to check on the house once a week to water her plants and dust, then Adriana, at minimum, was allowed to raid the pantry and the fridge. She was owed that at least.

She sips at her lemonade slowly, letting the taste linger on her tongue.

Her hand twitched to whip out her phone and text Buck. She wanted to know how the trial was going. Was it almost over? 

She hoped that he won. Adriana loved her parents, she really did, but some people just shouldn’t be parents. Her parents had proved that with her, and proved that yet again with Eddie and then Sophia. 

Adriana always felt bad for Eddito. Adriana was the first of their siblings to have kids, and Helena swooped in, trying to tell her how best to be a mother too. The difference was Adriana had put her foot down.

After the hell her parents put her through, they were only allowed to be a part of Adriana’s family under her conditions. She didn’t give a fuck that they were blood. Adriana would always put her children above them, and she was glad that Eddie had finally figured that out and left Texas when he had the chance. 

It made her chest ache, thinking about how everything went down with Shannon. The poor woman didn’t deserve how iced out she had been. Adriana was living in Nevada at the time, so she only saw Shannon when their family drove down to visit her parents and well...they hadn’t been in the least bit kind to the woman. Her mom was just as much overbearing towards Shannon as she was towards Adriana. 

It wasn’t even like trying to make up for her mistakes in the past. If anything her mom was doubling down. Trying to prove she was right all along, that she was always right. Adriana hated it. She dealt with it all throughout her teenage years. Her mom telling her the hairs on her forearms were too black, but don’t worry, she can get her a razor the next time she goes to the store. Telling Adriana that cutting her hair short made her look like a boy and why on earth would she want to get rid of her one womanly charm. Adriana used to have long wavy hair down to her butt. She chopped it all off the summer before senior year of high school and her mom was _pissed._

It was the best night of Adriana’s life.

Adriana made her way around the house. She couldn’t really tell the fake plants from the real ones if she was being perfectly honest. She had to stick her finger in the dirt just to figure it out. Why her mom didn’t just stick with all fake plants stumped her. Adriana was like Eddie in that way. They couldn’t be plant parents for shit. Parents to human babies? Not so bad. But plant babies? Dead in two hours. Absolute horror.

She poured some water into the ones she thought were real (and probably one fake one but she’d leave her mom to deal with that). She grabbed a pack of double stuffed oreos from the back of the pantry (because papi liked oreos but mom hated them so he usually hid them behind the large jugs of water that never really left the pantry) and scarfed down a hole row while she walked around. She opened the blinds so the plants could get some sun.

Vaguely she heard her parents' home phone ringing in the distance. She ignored it. Who the fuck still had a landline? What was the point?

The ringing soon stopped, and a voice ran through the answering machine.

_“Good afternoon Mr. and Mrs. Diaz. This is Janice, executor of Mr. Edmundo Diaz’s last will and testament. I know we spoke on the phone a couple of weeks ago while you were in California, and you had several questions on the changes Edmundo made to his will before his accident and I wanted to speak to you regarding those changes. They have been officially processed so we will--”_

One might not know it from Adriana’s slight frame, but she once participated in a 100 yard dash. She came in dead last, but she still participated. Still the way she vaulted over the couch and sprinted into the living room to pick up the phone definitely would’ve gotten her first place in that dash. 

“Sorry, sorry! I’m here! You were saying?” Adriana panted into the phone line.

“Oh, Mrs. Diaz, hello!” Janice said. “Great to hear from you. Did you hear the first part of my message?”

“Sure did,” Adriana rushed out. “Now what was that part about the changes to Eddie’s will?”

“Oh right,” Janice stammers. “Yes. As you may recall, when we spoke last time I informed you that Eddie had made some significant changes to will very recently before he had his accident. Because of that, we hadn’t been able to process the changes just yet and the old will would still be in place.”

“Uh huh…” Adriana whispered under her breath.

“Unfortunately, we could not approve your request to halt the processing of the new will.”

“So what does that mean?” Adriana asks in a low voice, reaching her thumb up to chew on the nail. 

“It means that the changes made to who Eddie appointed as his son’s legal guardian in case of incapacitation or death have been approved. You can still contest legal guardianship like you were planning, but you will have to release Christopher to Mr. Buckley for the time being until you can serve him--”

“Wait,” Adriana chokes. “Buck? I mean…” she schools her voice. “Mr. Buckley is who Eddie appointed as Christopher’s guardian?”

She sounds confused. “Uh, yes, that’s correct.”

Adriana’s jaw drops.

“Like I mentioned before you can still contest--”

“Okay, thank you we’ll do that byeeee….” she chuckles nervously, before hanging up. 

She whips out her cell phone and calls Buck the very next second. It dials and dials and goes straight to voicemail. 

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck, come on Buck, pick the fuck up you dumb bitch,” Adriana curses. She doesn’t actually mean that. She doesn’t think Buck’s dumb or a bitch, but she’s anxious and when she’s anxious she calls everyone a dumb bitch. Except her kids. And Julian. And Christopher.

Okay, maybe it was just herself and maybe Eddie. And now Buck, but she felt incredibly guilty about that. She’ll have to make it up to him by winning him this damn case if he would _just pick up the phone!_

She calls again and it goes to voicemail once again. She calls three more times unsuccessfully and then finally he picks up.

_“Hello?”_

“BUCK!” Adriana screeches at the top of her lungs. “Buck, are you still in court?”

_“We’re at recess, why?”_ Buck asks, his voice slightly worried now. _“Are you okay?”_

“Buck, you’ll never fucking believe who I just got off the phone with,” Adriana spits, rushing the words out and retelling the story, tripping over words. 

_“Wait, wait, slow down, I don’t get it--what about Eddie’s will? I thought he named Abuela as Christopher’s guardian?”_

“He changed it! He literally changed it a week before he got hurt! He named you, Buck, _you!”_

_“He wanted...me?”_ Buck asks, repeating the words slowly like he couldn’t compute. _“To be Christopher’s guardian?”_

“I _told_ you, you big lug! There’s no one on this planet that Eddie trusts more with Christopher than you, and this proves it!”

_“I--”_ Buck stumbles over his words, like they’re catching in his throat. _“But I’m already here...they’re going to make a decision soon.”_

“Don’t you see?” Adriana huffs. “My parents _knew_ about this! They knew that Eddie had changed his will and left Christopher with you and they purposefully hid it from the court. I’m in my dad’s office right now looking at the papers. It’s official, Buck. You have legal rights now...you can fight for him and you could _win."_

Adriana sends an air kiss to her sleeping brother. He may be stupid, but at least he wasn’t dumb about this.

*

The rest of the recess passes in a blur. Buck informs his lawyer of the updates Adriana told him right away and she requests Adriana fax her the copy from her dad’s office. She also requests the form from the courthouse but says that copy could take a few days. It’s a bit too late to present new evidence but with a new updated version of Eddie’s will it could change the game.

It was all too much for Buck to wrap his head around.

Eddie...chose him? Even before any of this happened, Eddie had gone through the trouble of changing his entire will and named Buck as Christopher’s guardian?

His vision blurs and he needs to sit down. In an empty hallway, Buck sits on hard plastic chairs and lets his head fall between his thighs, trying to catch his breath.

To think, Eddie had been in the process of changing all of this stuff without even asking Buck. He remembers how he had been bumped up to guardian on Christopher’s school log. He was so easily granted access to Eddie’s medical records and Christopher’s too. He didn’t even stop to think that maybe it was because Eddie _wanted_ him to know it all.

“Evan,” Maddie comes and sits next to him. She places a hand on his back and rubs it in smooth calming circles. This was something she used to do when they were kids. When Buck wanted to go to bed, Maddie would come into his room, sing him a song, and rub his back until he fell asleep.

“He named me his guardian,” Buck says, sitting up and dragging both hands down his face. “All of this was for nothing--”

“It wasn’t for nothing,” Maddie says, her hand stopping it’s soothing motions. “You couldn’t have known about any of this. You _didn’t_ know and you still made the choice to be there for Eddie and Christopher. No matter what any piece of paper said.”

“But it’s not just a piece of paper, Maddie,” Buck argues. “Eddie...Eddie never talked to me about this? What if I didn’t want to be Christopher’s guardian?”

“Do you?”

“More than anything,” Buck answers instantly.

Maddie smiles. “Then it’s just legalities. We’re going to go in there, and we’re going to see what happens now that the judge is presented with this new information, okay? Whatever happens, now you know that all of this, everything you’ve done this whole time, it was exactly what Eddie wanted. You two are a team. This doesn’t change anything.”

Buck’s lips wobble and Maddie leans forward. Buck falls into her embrace and lets her squeeze the hell out of him.

They’re called back in. Everyone files back into the courtroom and they rise once again when Judge Goraya comes back in. 

They are asked for their conclusions and final arguments. 

Julianna stands. “Your honor, we have new evidence to submit on the grounds of purposeful withholding of information in regards to Mr. and Mrs. Diaz.”

Their lawyer looks confused and pissed. “What possible new evidence--”

“We have received an updated version of Eddie Diaz’s last will and testament that legally appoints Mr. Buckley as Christopher’s legal guardian should Mr. Diaz become incapacitated or die.”

Buck watches as Helena and Ramon share a look of panic. He tampers down the wave of hatred that rises inside him. How dare they hide this from everyone? Who were they to ignore Eddie’s wishes? Who the fuck--

The judge looks over the papers. “This was submitted exactly a week and half before Mr. Diaz’ hospitalization, correct?”

“That’s correct,” Julianna states. “Given that the processing time was delayed, and Helena and Ramon were aware of the amendment made and did not provide it to the court, I believe that constitutes my client the right to be named Christopher Diaz’s legal guardian.”

The judge ponders over the papers for a moment. 

“Your honor, at this point it is too late to submit these documents, we have no way of knowing if they’re legitimate or forged--”

“I spoke with the county office here and requested the original documents expedited. We can have them on your desk by tomorrow morning.”

“We’re meant to get a decision today,” their lawyer says.

“In light of new information, I am requesting a postponement on the decision.”

The iphone jingle blasts from Buck’s back pocket, startling everyone in the room. All eyes are on him and he instantly pulls his phone out to silence it. Fuck, he must’ve forgot to silence it after he talked to Adriana.

He stops when he sees the phone number on the screen.

Buck stands up. “Your honor, I’m so sorry to interrupt but I’m getting a call from the hospital. If it’s about Eddie I absolutely need to answer it.”

The judge raises an eyebrow. Buck’s lawyer groans and shakes her head. 

“Go on,” Judge Goraya says and Buck sprints out of the room so fast he nearly knocks himself out on the heavy doors.

“Hello?”

“Is this Mr. Evan Buckley? We’re calling because you’re listed as an emergency contact for Mr. Eddie Diaz and we’ve not been able to reach any of his other listed contacts.”

“Yes,” Buck pants. “Yes, I’m Buck. Evan. Whatever. Yes, is he okay? What happened to Eddie?”

The woman on the other end of the line gives a light laugh. “Don’t worry, Mr. Buckley, we have good news. Eddie woke up about 15 minutes ago, he’s currently getting tests done and--”

Buck doesn’t hear the rest. Everything starts to sway, his breath getting heavy. He sucks in air, trying to get rid of the pressure constricting his throat like _he’s_ the one with his windpipe being crushed by a snake. Only this time there’s no machete in sight.

He slams a hand out to balance on the wall. 

“Buck?” Bobby’s tentative voice comes, having followed him out of the courtroom. “What’s going on?”

Buck sways, and then the tears come hard and fast. 

“He’s awake,” Buck manages to croak out. “Eddie woke up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:  
> -Prejudice comments towards homeless people are made by Buck's dad in a flashback  
> -general homophobia from Eddie's parents


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I present to you all the last of Eddie's inner dream world. It's truly been one of my favorite parts of writing this story. Hope you enjoy and we'll all get to have Eddie back in the real world soon
> 
> tw: slight warning for mild death ideation

Eddie stretches awake with a smile on his face. He nuzzles his nose back into the warm pillow, eyes still closed and relaxed. He reaches for the solid body next to him, expecting to find Buck lying down, sprawled on his front, breathing gently. 

Eddie’s arm wraps around Buck’s waist, tugging him closer. He wants to feel Buck’s body against his, run his hand along Buck’s wide torso and long legs. He wants to feel Buck shiver, loving the way Eddie touches him, and press himself even closer. If he could mold completely into Buck, become a part of him, Eddie would be satisfied.

Eddie’s pulls at Buck’s waist again but the mass of muscle that is Buck’s form does not budge in the slightest. Eddie cracks an eye open and looks up.

Buck is sitting up, back against the headboard with his arms crossed.

Eddie forces himself to sit up, leaning into Buck’s space so he could rest his chin on Buck’s broad shoulder. It was nice, being able to let someone else carry his weight for a moment, being able to wrap his arms around someone bigger than him. He’d never really experienced that before Buck.

“Everything alright?” Eddie asks, in his fatigue, kissing Buck’s bare shoulder lazily. 

Buck moves away so quickly that Eddie nearly falls over. The bed shifts, missing Buck’s weight, as he gets out of bed silently.

Okay, now that’s weird. Eddie gets out of bed and follows him into the bathroom. Buck is standing in front of the mirror, looking at himself with something like...irritation? 

Eddie slowly steps forward, a hand up. He almost touches Buck’s shoulder but something in him compels him to stop just shy of Buck’s skin. “Buck?”

“How long are you gonna keep pretending?” Buck asks, his position not changing but his eyes shifting from his own to Eddie’s. 

“What?” _Pretending about what? He wasn’t pretending._

Buck turns to him, eyes hard like he was _disappointed_ in Eddie. It...okay, now that was an expression Eddie had never seen on Buck before. Even in Eddie’s worst moments, when he’d pushed Buck away, when he pretended like Buck was the last person he wanted to talk to, Buck had never looked at him like this. 

“Come on, Eddie,” Buck sighs, crossing his arms yet again like he was expecting Eddie to just be able to read his mind. 

“Okay, I’m really confused,” Eddie frowns. “What am I pretending about exactly?”

“This,” Buck says, throwing his arms out. “Us. It’s not real.”

Eddie stands there frozen. What was Buck talking about? Them? Of course they’re real. They have their bodies, Eddie can see them, and if he reached out he could feel it. Their relationship? It was real. Buck promised him that their marriage was real, everything that they felt for each other was real. It _felt_ real to Eddie. Was Buck trying to break up with him? Was he asking for a divor--

He was gonna be sick. He puts it out of his mind. The thought of Buck asking him for a divorce, the image of Buck lying on the street in the same spot as Shannon, his spine shattered. 

“I-I don’t understand--” Eddie stammers.

Buck takes a step forward until they’re face to face and Eddie is forced to look up. Buck’s features are hazy, like he can make out the whole, but can’t focus on any individual details. Eddie briefly wonders if he’s really getting so old that he needs glasses. 

“This life isn’t real. We’re in your head. You’re dreaming.” Every sentence slams into Eddie full force and he feels like he’s back in Afghanistan on the helicopter as it’s tumbling to the ground--shot out of the sky. Only this time he knew he wasn’t going to be rescued.

“It’s not--” _no no no, Buck you promised it was real!--_ ”It’s real. You said--you said this was real. We are real--” Eddie reaches up, hands cradling Buck’s face.

Buck takes a step back, pulling Eddie’s hands off his face. Eddie nearly falls forward, having to catch himself on his left foot before he does. He leans against the bathroom sink, letting it carry the rest of his weight or he was going to hit the ground. His entire body felt heavy, his eyes worst of all. It didn’t make sense, he’d just woken up, so why did he feel so beyond fatigued like his eyelids might slam closed at any second.

“I told you what you wanted to hear. We all were. It’s time for you to face the facts and wake up,” Buck turns away, walking out of the bathroom and out of the room.

“You have to go back home, Eddie.”

_Wake up, Eddie. Wake up, wake up, wake up._

He is awake. 

Eddie can’t move a muscle. Back in the day he used to get sleep paralysis episodes. It wasn’t often, but there were times where he’d wake up in the middle of the night and just not be able to move. It wasn’t painful, like a cramp, but his entire body felt locked into place, like it was no longer connected to his brain. That’s what he felt now, but he wasn’t asleep.

He wasn’t asleep, no matter what Buck said. This was his life, it was real. He had Christopher here and Buck, and his abuela and tía. He had his job, his family with the 118. This was his life, it wasn’t a fucking _dream._

 _Liar,_ a voice said. Disconnected and floating around him. _You abandoned them. Again._

Like the rubber bands his sisters used to snap against his arms, Eddie’s muscles shift, and he snaps back into himself. He nearly trips on the rug trying to get out of his room.

He needed to find Christopher. 

He rushes down the hall, smashing into the door to Christopher’s room and finds the little boy there, completely dressed and ready for school, looking up and waiting for him like he’d been standing there the whole time.

There was a weird staleness in the air. Eddie looked around, like he was playing one of Christopher’s “spot the difference” games, but his brain was crossing the wires meant to show him what was different and what was the same.

“‘Chris?” Eddie breaths. “Um, hey buddy. Are you ready for school?”

That’s what they did in the morning. Eddie didn’t know what day it was, but Chris was standing there ready for school, so he assumed it must be a weekday. Where was Carla?

Christopher regards him with skeptical eyes. “Yeah. If that makes you feel better.”

Eddie blinks. It doesn’t sound like Christopher at all, it sounds almost removed, like he was hearing it through a tunnel. A sickening wave of _wrong_ washes over him, like he was standing outside at night with a frigid breeze blowing over his bare skin. First Buck was acting weird this morning, and now Chris.

No, no. He pushes it out of his head again--damn near shoves. He wasn’t fucking thinking about this anymore. He turns around in a circle, looking for Christopher’s backpack before walking out of the house and settling him into the truck. He doesn’t see Buck anywhere in passing, and he wonders if he went to work without him. 

The drive over is slower than usual. None of the lights will turn green and the cars on the freeway are moving on a projector screen outside his window. Is his truck moving at all? He’s going through the motions, his right foot pushing and releasing on the gas. He doesn’t accelerate forward. 

“Where are you going dad?” Christopher asks from the backseat.

“What?” Eddie asks, turning around. “I’m taking you to school--”

Eddie turns back to the front, and he’s in front of the firehouse. It’s the firehouse, but it’s not the firehouse. I felt like a photo negative, a badly formed outline.

“Shit,” Eddie claps a hand over his mouth. “I mean shoot. I, uh, must’ve missed a turn.”

Christopher laughs, like all of this was one huge prank. Did he and Buck plan this? Whatever doppelgangers had replaced them, did they slip something into his drink this morning? Was he high? Was this LSD? He didn’t remember it being this way last time.

“You can’t make a wrong turn when there’s nowhere to go, dad. You can’t run away from your own mind.”

Eddie blinks. “Uh?”

Christopher tilts his head, with an all-knowing voice that doesn’t sound anything at all like him. “You want to go home.”

“I’ll go home after I drop you off at school.”

“That isn’t home. _This_ isn’t home, daddy. You have to go home.”

“Chris what--”

“Christopher misses you,” Christopher says.

Eddie blinks and Christopher isn’t in the back seat anymore, but instead seated next to him in the front. Eddie jerks so hard he knocks his elbow into the window. His heart shoves it’s way up his throat. He goes to unbuckle his seat belt but finds he’s not even wearing one.

“Christopher needs you,” Not-Chris says. “Why won’t you go back to him? Don’t leave him like Shannon did.”

Christopher doesn’t call Shannon _Shannon,_ she’s always been Mommy to him. 

Eddie scrambles to find the door handle, pushing it open like it weighed the same as a bank vault door. Once he’s free, he sprints away.

 _Running from your son again, Eddie?_ The voice is back and as brutal as ever. _Typical._

He bursts through the doors of the firehouse. Safety. Family. There are people here who will help him. 

It’s entirely empty. The firehouse is never empty, there was always someone here, day or night, rain or shine. Even if everyone else was out on a call there was always someone behind just in case.

The gym is empty. Someone should be there, lifting weights and sneaking glances. Upstairs is empty, no one cooking food or playing video games. 

“Hello?” he calls out, hoping someone will emerge from an office or from the bunk rooms. But no one comes. Where was Buck? He was supposed to be here. There was no firehouse without Buck. He searches the entire place and finds not a single soul.

Eddie reaches his hands up to his head, clutching and pulling at the clipped hair at the top. “Fuck!” he spits out. He spins in a circle, trying to catch his breath. Put your hands above your head, he remembers--no, hands on your knees for better airflow. Was that right? He couldn’t remember. 

His body sags against the side of the ladder truck, sinking down until he’s on his ass. He presses the palms of his hands into his eyes so hard he wonders if it’s possible to just squish them entirely. He thinks of the motorcycle on the playground, the way the man’s eyes had popped out, how easily they could’ve been squeezed in his palm.

He’s having a panic attack. 

_Little baby Eddie can’t control his tears. I thought Dad already taught you that lesson?_

No, no he was fine. He would be fine. Suck it up and move on. Suck it up, like a sponge, saturated with pain, waiting for someone to squeeze it all out. Wring him completely dry.

Maybe if he laid down in the sunlight, he’d dry out. All the water in his body would just evaporate, and his flesh would decompose.

Someone would find his bones. Maybe Buck. Eddie would call him on the phone, let him know where to find his remains. He’d be Buck’s ghost. That way he wouldn’t die alone.

“And why do you say that Eddie?” a new voice asks. Eddie’s head snaps up.

He’s not at the firehouse anymore. 

He’s at his therapist’s office, sitting in front of Frank. 

“What?” Eddie asks. He forgot what he said. What was Frank talking about?

Frank gives him that little half smile he gets when he thinks Eddie’s making a breakthrough. Not that he was having one of those. 

“You seem to think you’re going to die alone,” Frank repeats his thoughts like he was somehow in Eddie’s head. “Yet you have quite a large family surrounding you. Plenty of people who love you. Your son, for example."

Eddie nods. “Yeah, I know.”

He _knows_ his son loves him, god damn it, he didn’t need Frank telling him shit he already knew.

“Then what is it that you think is missing, Eddie?”

“Nothing!” Eddie bites out. “Nothing is missing, that’s the problem! Everything here is perfect.”

Frank tilts his head. “Care to explain?”

Eddie rolls his eyes, but tells him anyway. He explains how he has his son who’s doing well, he has Buck, he has his job. 

“So you have everything, but you’re angry,” Frank leans forward. “No, you’re scared. You’re scared of how perfect everything is.”

Eddie doesn’t answer but the scowl on his face must’ve been more than enough.

“Why are you scared?”

“I’m not scared.”

“Why?”

“Because nothing bad can happen here.”

“And why is that?”

“Because it’s not real!” Eddie nearly shouts, spittle flying from his lips. “It’s not real, okay? None of it is! You aren’t! This room isn’t! Nothing!” He throws the pillow next to him across the room. His voice breaks on the last word, “Nothing.”

Eddie scrunches his face, turning away with his lips pursed. Nothing here is real. He’d been letting himself live in a perfectly crafted world where he had everything he ever wanted--but he still knew that he doesn’t actually _truly_ have any of it. In the real world, he’s a sad sack piece of shit. He lets his anger get the best of him, he killed people in a war for a country that doesn’t care about him or where he comes from. He’s got a sharp silver star drawing blood from his veins. 

He thought he could be a firefighter, save people, make up for everything he’s done. For everything he _didn’t_ do. He didn’t stop Shannon from leaving. He didn’t try to contact her, and she didn’t try to contact him. He didn’t give her the life he should’ve. As her husband, he thought he was supposed to provide for her and Christopher, but all he’d done was suck the life out of her. And when that life was draining on the streets of LA, he let her die.

The silver star slices deeper. 

Frank scribbles something in his stupid-ass notebook, then says. “You’re a step in the right direction. Acknowledgement is the first step.”

“I’ve known it all along,” Eddie says, grabbing another pillow and hugging it to his chest. “I knew it wasn’t real and yet I allowed myself to believe.”

“Why did you?”

“Because it was easier than the alternative.” 

“What’s the alternative?”

Emptiness. Going home, waking up to Christopher’s beautiful face and just feeling...nothing. What kind of father was he if he couldn’t feel his own love for his son? He knew it was there, he knew he had it, and yet it was like he was hiding behind a screen. 

Numb. Waking up in the morning and going through the motions, burying his pain, forcing himself to forget how much he hates himself. Suffocating on the smoke rising from his lungs. 

Cracks. He got hurt. How badly, he had no clue. His body was dying, or it was, and the first thing he felt when he realized he might die was relief. He felt _happy_ and it wasn’t because of his own son, like it should’ve been. He was happy because he was going to die. 

He was a selfish fucking bastard who didn’t deserve Christopher. Didn’t deserve any of those people in his life who loved him. Christopher deserved a better father, and he deluded himself into thinking he could be that person. He thought somehow, that he might be enough for him. 

And Buck…

Sometimes Eddie felt like he might drown with how much he wanted Buck. Standing in his light felt like floating in space and standing in front of the sun. Sometimes Eddie felt like a speck, with the sun so beautiful and massive, and Eddie burning to a crisp.

He didn’t feel like a whole person. He felt like the shadow cast off a body on the sidewalk. Following every step his body made, but in the end he wasn’t really anything. Just a projection of who he was supposed to be.

He was supposed to be so much more. He had people who needed him and he needed to be everything they needed.

How could he expect to be a partner to Buck when Eddie didn’t even feel like he existed? He wasn’t a real person anymore. He was born a son, meant to do everything his mother and father told him. He grew up and he became a husband and a father and soldier. He was meant to provide for his wife and child. He was meant to serve his country. Shannon left, and Eddie was meant to be everything for Christopher. Be a father, be a provider. He became a firefighter, and for the first time he became a partner. He wasn’t just a part of a team, serving the whole, neglecting the self. Buck came into his life and put Eddie first. 

For the first time in Eddie’s entire fucking life, someone wanted to be something for him. Someone saw through his defenses, saw past all the masks he wore, all the Halloween costumes he’s doned over the years, and saw him. 

Eddie, the man who never evolved into a person. 

Christopher was growing up. Soon he wouldn’t need Eddie anymore and then who would Eddie be? What would he look like once he stood naked in front of the world without any uniforms, without any labels?

Would he look back on everything he’d been for other people and realized he’d been nothing but an utter failure to each and every one of them?

He’d failed Christopher, and he’d failed Buck. He didn’t deserve to go home to them.

“Waking up. Going back and knowing I left Christopher there for who knows how long. Again.”

Franks hums. “I see. Do you know how long you’ve been unconscious?”

Eddie shakes his head. “I have no fucking idea. Feels like forever.”

“Do you want to go back?”

Eddie looks away, staring at the ground. He can’t look Frank in the eye and he hates it. He hates this so fucking much, because his nerves feel like fire and his eyes burn and he knows he’s going to cry but he doesn’t want to. 

“I don’t know?” Eddie’s voice breaks. “How--” he clears his throat trying to gather himself again--“how am I supposed to face him again? I told him I wouldn’t leave him again and I did. I broke my promise.”

Frank is silent. “You didn’t do this on purpose. I don’t know what happened to put you here, but it wasn’t your fault.”

Eddie huffs. “No, but I chose to stay here. That’s on me.”

“Is that what you thought when Shannon left the first time?”

Eddie blinks hard. The one person who never showed up in any of his dreams was Shannon. It was like she saw him down here, living out his personal heaven and hell and thought she should stay far _far_ away from him. She didn’t want to be with him, not when they were young and she got pregnant, not when they found each other and tried to play house again for Christopher. 

He knew what she must’ve been feeling now. When she left and didn’t come back. How could she, if she felt like she’d been gone so long. How could she face the look on Christopher’s face? On Eddie’s? Knowing the pain she’d caused them.

“You are not Shannon,” Frank has disappeared, and sitting in his place is Buck. “When she left, she knew Christopher had you. But without you, who does Christopher have?”

“You?” Eddie’s face crumbles. Buck was already a better father and he didn’t even have kids. “You would take care of him.”

Buck shakes his head, the crease in his forehead pinching hard. “You don’t get it, Eddie. I’m not you! I will never be you. Christopher needs _you._ That’s never going to change.

“What have I ever done for him? Saddled him with a lifetime of abandonment issues because I couldn’t handle my own, that’s what I gave him.”

Buck stares at him. “You can’t believe that.”

“I do.”

“Have you ever thought that I need you too?” Buck asks, his eyes red and voice gravelly. “You’re right. I would take care of Christopher for you, I would do it in a heartbeat, without a single doubt. But what about me? What if I need you too?”

Eddie shakes his head harder, biting his lip, rocking forward and back. “No. No, you don’t need me. You don’t--I’m temporary.”

“What the fuck?”

“You’ll find someone better than me!” Eddie explodes. “Why the fuck would you want me, Buck? Christopher, I understand, but me? I’m the biggest fuck up this side of the west coast, Buck! I can’t express my emotions for the life of me, and when I do, it freaks me out so bad that it feels like I need to punch something! Who would want that?”

“I do!” Buck says, standing up. “I want you, Eddie and you know it. I’ve been with you this whole time, I’ve seen the best and the worst sides of you. You think if I didn’t want to be with you, I wouldn’t have left by now?”

Eddie looks away from Buck. “You’re too loyal. You care too much.”

“Nah, fuck that. You’re my partner Eddie. That’s not replaceable.”

_I replaced you with Lena. I replaced you with Ana. When I couldn’t have you I tried to replace you._

“There’s no other partner for me but you, Eddie, don’t you see? This was never a one way street. It might not have been as obvious, but you...you make me feel loved Eddie. I’ve not felt that much in my life.”

Eddie blinks away tears. “I can’t do half the things for you that you do for me.”

“I don’t want anything from you, Eddie, I just want _you._ You love me, that’s all I need. I want you to wake up so I can say that to your face,” Buck says.

_You love him. Pathetic. Loving a man because you can’t love a woman or anybody else like you’re supposed to._

This isn’t real. This isn’t Buck, standing in front of him. 

“You’re just saying what I want to hear. You’re a figment of my imagination.”

“Or maybe I’m just trying to tell you what you already know.”

They’re silent for a while, Buck staring at Eddie and Eddie avoiding his eyes. Slowly, Buck stands up from his chair and comes and sits down next to Eddie. He takes Eddie’s hand. 

“We’ll work it out together,” Buck tells him quietly. His fingers are soft. “Whatever guilt you feel, however long you were away, it’ll only get worse the longer you stay asleep.”

 _It’ll only get worse the longer you let these feelings linger unchecked, Eddie._ That’s what Frank told him. 

Eddie just wants to feel better. He just wants Buck to hold him.

Buck opens his arms.

It’s stilted and awkward, but Eddie turns into Buck’s shoulder and lets the larger man cradle him. He buries his face in Buck’s shoulder, whispering into his shirt, “What if he hates me?”

_Stop crying, get up and move on._

_I don’t need a provider, I need a partner._

_You're still a stranger to him._

_They’ll probably give you a medal for it anyway._

_Take all the time you need. I need time too._

_He belongs with us._

_Don’t drag him down with you, Eddie._

_Did you ever miss me when I was gone?_

Little arms slide around Eddie’s waist. “I miss you all the time. Me and Buck just want you to wake up.”

Eddie looks up from Buck’s shoulder and finds Christopher seated in between them.

That’s when Eddie starts crying. Christopher and Buck hold him close, squeezing Christopher in between them. 

_You think you’ll ever be enough for anybody? Think again._ Eddie recognizes the voice now. It’s his own. All of the voices were his own.

“You’re enough for me, daddy.”

Buck pulls Eddie’s head up, cradling it with his palms and whispers. “You’re more than enough for me, Eddie. Always have been.”

_But are you enough for yourself?_

Eddie looks down at his family in his arms. The two loves of his entire life. 

_I'm still alive down here!_

Buck grins at Eddie, so full of overwhelming light.

_You could have mine too._

Christopher grabs both of their hands, clutching them tight. “We’ll be waiting for you to come home.”

_Yeah...I’m enough for me too._

And Eddie opens his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it! I'll probably post the next chapter tomorrow just because I'm impatient. Thanks!


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a happy reunion, the calm before the storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all!
> 
> TW's in the end notes. I would strongly encourage you to read them if any of the main story tags worry you.
> 
> This chapter marks a new direction in this story what with Eddie awake so I hope you like it, but please also heed the tags/warnings.
> 
> If after reading this chapter, if you feel my warnings were not sufficient or I should provide additional warnings please do not hesitate to let me know. Thank you

Trying to move your muscles after almost 2 and a half months of laying completely still is almost worse than walking through fire. No one warned him about how much it would _burn._ All of it. The light in his eyes--not even just following where the doctor pointed--but just the simple act of keeping his eyes open. 

He struggles through the rest of the tests the doctors put him through. He knows why they’re doing it, to check on his neurological functions and make sure there was no lingering brain damage or hand eye coordination problems.

Despite the fact that Eddie had been lying down for two months, after waking up, all he wants to do is lay down. He hasn’t stood up the entire time, but he has sat up, and even that felt like too much.

He felt like he’d aged two decades. His head is pounding, and he’s thirsty as fuck. He’s gulping down another cup of water when a nurse comes in. 

“Eddie, you have visitors.”

“My son--” Eddie croaks.

“Yes, that’s--”

“DADDY!”

Eddie’s neck cracks as he whips his head to the side, watching as his little boy comes rushing in. 

“Chris…” Eddie’s voice breaks. He doesn’t fucking care if he’s crying, he doesn’t give a single fucking shit. That’s his boy. He throws the covers off over his legs, and nearly falls off the bed in his haste to get to Christopher.

The nurse catches him, calling for the help of another passing nurse. 

His vision blurs, and he tries to pull the nurses off of him. “Chris--! Chris--”

After a second the nurses have no choice but to pull up a chair and sit him in it, pulling his useless legs off the bed and onto the floor. 

By the time he gets situated, Christopher is in front of him, flinging off his crutches before the two of them are throwing their arms around each other. 

Christopher clutches at him, and Eddie buries his face in Christopher’s neck. He’s full on weeping now, harsh and aching. He can’t do anything but pull Christopher up into his lap, and cry into the little boy’s hair. He kisses Christopher all over, his cheeks, his nose, his hair, his forehead. When he buries his face back in Christopher’s shoulder, he kisses that too over his shirt. He smells like cotton and like his distinct _kid_ smell.

He feels like his entire heart is about to pour out of him. His head is pounding and his sobs don’t make it any better. The scratch in his throat hurts like sandpaper, but Eddie can do nothing but chant Christopher’s name over and over again.

After what feels like the shortest minute and the longest hour ever, Christopher pulls back and that’s when Eddie sees that he’s crying too. He kisses Christopher’s tears away.

“I’m so sorry,” Eddie cries, pushing Christopher’s curly hair out of his eyes. “I’m so so sorry, Christopher. I’m so sorry.”

Christopher laughs wetly.“You’re back, you’re back! I knew you’d come back! You always come back!”

Eddie shakes his head, trying to push the tears back but they keep forcing their way out. His chin wobbles hard, and he bits down another sob and instead grits out, “Thank God for you, kid.”

_Thank fucking God for you, Christopher._

Christopher mimics his actions, pressing both his palms into Eddie’s cheeks and repeating right after him. “Thank God for you, daddy.”

He doesn’t let go of Christopher. Even when the doctors tell him he has to get back in bed, he demands they help him maneuver Christopher up onto the bed with him so he could sit right by him. Now that he had Christopher back, he wasn’t let go of this kid for anything in the goddamn world.

“Abuela brought me,” Christopher tells him, leaning his head against Eddie’s shoulder. “I don’t know where she went though.”

Eddie squeezes him. “It’s alright. We’ll see them soon.”

“Abuela said everyone is running late cause they had to finish at the courthouse.”

Eddie jerks, looking back up at Christopher. “Courthouse?”

Christopher sits up, bouncing up and down excitedly. “Yeah! Buck said if we asked the judge lady really nicely she would let me live with him! But you’re here now!”

What? The judge would let Christopher live with Buck?

But...why would they need to go to a judge? Eddie had already put Buck down as Christopher’s guardian. At least...he’s pretty sure he did? Some of his memories from right before the accident are a bit hazy. He knows he at least _wanted_ to make Buck Christopher’s guardian. He didn’t remember if he’d actually gone through with changing his will. He thought he did.

Or maybe that was a dream.

There’s a knock at the door. Abuela is standing there, a coffee in her hand and tears in her eyes.

Abuela cries and rushes forward as she calls him her returned angel, swooping over Eddie and Christopher and clutching them close, kissing Eddie’s cheeks thanking God in spanish over and over again. She pulls back with a sniff and does a sign of the cross over him.

She cries some more and Eddie revels in how much he missed her. 

When she pulls back, Eddie sheepishly asks, “What did I miss?”

Abuela blows out her breath in a slow huff. “Do you even have the time?”

Eddie smiles. “I wanna know it all.”

She hums, leaning forward to squeeze his hand. “Let’s just take it slow for now, huh? You need some rest.”

Christopher is quiet, resting against his shoulder like he was flitting in between a nap and being awake. The both of them were tuckered out from all the crying. Eddie studies his face, seeing his eyes slipping closed. He squeezes the little boy closer to his side.

“What happened?” Eddie asks in a low voice. “Christopher mentioned a judge?”

Abuela sighs. “Yes. We all just came from the courthouse.”

“All?” Eddie asks. “Who’s all? Christopher mentioned Buck--”

_“Eddie?!”_ a panicked voice calls down the hall. Eddie hears his parents before he sees them. It effectively wakes Christopher up. Upon seeing his grandparents, he plasters himself further into Eddie’s side.

“Mom?” Eddie breathes. “Dad?”

Abuela moves out of the way as his parents come forward. He accepts their hugs, but there’s something rigid in the way they regard him. They hound him for answers about his health, to which he does his best to answer and then directs them to the doctor when he walks in. 

Christopher has not spoken to his grandparents in the 15 minutes they’d been here. Eddie nudges him gently. “You okay, buddy?”

He grumbles a bit and avoids looking into Eddie’s eyes. Instead Christopher turns to Abuela and asks quietly, “When is Bucky coming?”

Eddie wanted to know too. It was on the tip of his tongue ever since Christopher brought him up, but he felt guilty asking about Buck with his abuela here, and even more uncomfortable asking now that his parents were within earshot.

Abuela hums under her breath, glancing at Mom and Dad before telling them he would be stopping by soon. Likely once everyone else left.

“Everyone on your team has been informed,” Abuela tells him. “I spoke with Buck briefly before I left to bring Christopher here. He will come as soon as it’s permitted.”

“What do you mean ‘permitted’?” Eddie jerks his head back.

His mom butts in. “Right now it should just be family Eddie. In fact,” she turns to his doctor. “I think this should be enough for visitors for today. Anybody else can visit him tomorrow.”

Eddie reels. “Uh...no?” he says, just as his mom’s eyes flare. “I want to see the rest of my team.”

“You just woke up from a coma, Edmundo,” his dad admonishes. “You need to make sure there are no lingering complications. Memory loss.”

Eddie’s doctor pipes in at that moment, “Right, as I mentioned to Mr. Diaz, mentally all of Eddie’s tests check out. We were able to get him into a CAT scan before you all arrived and I received those back just a bit ago and they look fine. Really at this point, we just need to keep a close monitor on his motor skills, but physical therapy should help with that.’

“Regardless,” Helena says. “He shouldn’t be overwhelmed too much on his first day awake. His coworkers can visit tomorrow.”

“Buck’s not a coworker,” Eddie blurts before he could even think about the words coming out his mouth. 

His mom clutches his dad’s hand and heaves an irritated sigh. “Tomorrow, Edmundo.”

Eddie has to bite his tongue to stop himself from sneering back at him mom, but he has Christopher beside him, and he didn’t want to worry the boy any further. So he puts a sock in it. He would see Buck and the 118 tomorrow.

“We’ll take Christopher home with us, put him to sleep,” Helena says, instructing Ramon to pick Christopher up. Christopher freezes, his arms flinging up to wrap around Eddie’s waist.

“I want to stay here with you,” Christopher starts to cry. “I don’t want to go.”

Abuela gives his parents an odd look that Eddie can’t comprehend. 

“Why don’t we stay for a little while longer and Christopher can come stay the night at my house tonight. Tomorrow we will sort everything else out,” Abuela offers.

His mom looks like she’s about to blow a gasket, but his dad holds her back with a silent but firm hand to her shoulder. He whispers something into her ear and she steps back.

“Fine. We’ll be back tomorrow morning, okay?” His mom says. “How long are they expecting you to stay in the hospital?”

“At least until I can walk on my own again,” Eddie tells them. “I don’t know how long that will take.”

“I’ll teach you to use crutches!” Christopher smiles. “We’ll be matching!”

Eddie laughs and boops his nose. “Yeah, we will, won’t we? I can’t wait.”

Christopher’s smile is blinding and Eddie could die happy beholding it for the rest of his days.

His parents leave soon after. 

Eddie gives Abuela ‘a _what was that about?’_ look and in return he receives a _‘you’ll see soon’_ look in response. 

“It’s getting late,” Abuela says about 30 minutes later, gathering her and Christopher’s things. “Christopher, are you okay with coming home with me for tonight?”

Christopher looks up at Eddie, his desire to stay with him quite evident in his eyes. “You’re gonna stay awake, right?” Christopher asks, voice scared. Eddie hates himself so much for putting that fear in his kid. “You won’t go away again?”

Eddie shakes his head, “No, mijo. I’m staying right here. I promised you right? I said I would always come home to my family.”

Christopher smiles again before reaching for something around his neck. “I saved this for you. You can have it back.”

He pulls the St. Christopher necklace out from under his shirt and presents it to Eddie.

He stares down at the cool metal in his palms. “The patron of travelers.”

“Yep,” Christopher giggles. “And now you’re home.”

_And what a trip it was._

“I’ll see you first thing tomorrow, okay buddy? I love you with everything in me.”

“I love you too, daddy.” The two of them lean forward and kiss each other’s cheeks, wrapped up in an even stronger hug that neither one of them wants to let go of.

It’s probably the hardest thing he’d have to do, letting go of his son so soon after getting him back. But he trusts Christopher with abuela. He knows she’ll bring him back to Eddie tomorrow. 

He eats his dinner provided by the hospital and answers the questions of the nurses each and every time they come in to check him. For a while they advise against napping, but soon enough, they give Eddie the all clear to try and sleep again.

He can’t fall asleep. After being stuck inside his own head for so long, the idea of slipping back into it feels like a spider crawling somewhere along his body, he can feel the tickle of it somewhere, and he’s terrified of just the knowledge that it’s on him, but he doesn’t know where or how to get it off.

So he lays awake, listening to the sound of his own heart monitor. He thumbs the St. Christopher necklace in his palm, turns it over and over, squeezing it. He stares at the ceiling, thinking back to all the different lives he didn’t live in his head. Something in his chest aches. He wonders if he’ll ever find the same level of happiness in real life that he did in his dreams. Some of them had been nightmares, yes, and those ones lingered in his head--the thought of what might’ve happened had Eddie left Christopher with his parents instead of moving to California with him.

Those dreams had felt real when he’d been living them, now it just felt like a distant memory. But the way it made him feel didn’t dim in the slightest. Living a whole life without Christopher, watching him grow up from the sidelines. Watching Buck move on to somebody else. It was why, when he finally dreamed of having them, he clutched onto it so tightly. He wanted it so badly. 

But it wasn’t real.

The little boy he had in his arms today? That was real. Eddie wanted nothing but to go home and sleep in his own bed with his son by his side. 

And Buck.

He craved the sight of him, wanted to be back on the field, rescuing people side by side, knowing that no matter what happened they had each other’s backs. And then after their long shifts, heading home together, where Eddie can allow himself to pretend like Buck will never leave. That he wants to stay with them forever. That Eddie’s simple life, his simple family, is enough for Buck.

He’s so lost in his thoughts that when the door to his room opens and a figure steps in, he’s almost sure he’s imagining it. It’s the middle of the night, way past visiting hours for Eddie. It wasn’t a nurse or a doctor, it was that familiar thick silhouette. Except…he looked slimmer, like he’d lost a lot of muscle mass. Had he been eating enough? He looked just like those days just before the tsunami.

“Buck,” Eddie whispers and the figure flinches. It dawns on Eddie that this isn’t his imagination, his brain isn’t just conjuring the images of the people he wants to see. It really is Buck and he’s hovering by the door, the light from outside his room casting a shadow over his face. It’s still dark, all the other curtains drawn, but Eddie can make out Buck’s face clearly. 

Eddie stares at him, and Buck stares right back. Neither move, mostly because Eddie’s leg muscles are still having a hard time cooperating, but he’s able to wiggle his toes and move his feet. He just can’t lift his legs. Buck’s body, on the other hand, should be working just fine. So why wasn’t he coming any closer? Why was he lingering by the door like a wraith, just watching him.

“Buck,” Eddie says again, with more conviction this time.

The taller man makes a little aborted noise, his hand lifting before falling back at his side. “I--I wasn’t sure if it was really true.”

Eddie takes in Buck’s face and sees what’s stopping him from moving forward. Buck’s looking at Eddie like he’s expecting him to vanish forever in the blink of an eye. Eddie knows the feeling.

“Come here,” Eddie pleads. Buck wasn’t the only one afraid that this moment wasn’t real. And the only way Eddie could think to prove it to himself was to _feel_ it, to be able to touch him and _know_ beyond a shadow of doubt that Buck is here, and that he’s not going anywhere.

Buck’s movements are stilted, like he’s the one just learning how to use his muscles for the first time, but eventually he makes his way over so that he’s standing in front of Eddie’s bed. Eddie pulls himself up on shaky arms, looking up at the man who looks impossibly taller this way. 

Eddie reaches out to Buck, silently begging him to touch him, feel his fingers and his hand and know that he’s right there. Eddie’s alive. 

Buck stares at his hand like it’s a snake, but he reaches his hand forward anyway. Because that’s what Buck has always been since the very first day they met, brave, willing to meet Eddie halfway.

Their fingertips touch first and it’s like a revelation. The air is silent and thick and all Eddie can feel is the course of the air pulling in through his nose, filling his lungs, and out through his mouth. It’s not the same as his reunion with Christopher, the desperation he felt, the need to have the boy plastered to his side every single moment. 

This was like meeting for the first time. Buck’s fingers slide past Eddie’s and tuck themselves into the crook of Eddie’s fingers. They curl over Eddie’s palm lightly. And then all at once Eddie can’t stand the distance. He closes his hand over Buck’s and squeezes tightly before yanking him forward.

Buck falls into him easily, a broken _“Eddie”_ escaping his lips before they’re embracing. Eddie buries his face into Buck’s neck and _breathes._ He hears mangled noises coming from Buck, who has his arm wrapped around Eddie’s back, and his own face buried in Eddie’s neck. Their hands that had once been clasped were now wrapped around each other’s waists. Eddie’s hand slides up, roaming every inch of Buck’s broad back, basking in the solidity of it. He counts the beat of Buck’s pulse against his mouth. Buck’s arm at his lower back drags him in further, pushing them together so they were as close as they could be sitting down. 

He feels Buck shake and sag against his body, crying his eyes out into Eddie’s skin, but he doesn’t care. Some of his tears slide past Eddie’s collarbones, slipping down the inside of his hospital gown and down his chest. It feels like Buck is touching him everywhere and Eddie can’t get enough. He wants to draw him inside, all of him exists together within Eddie. It wouldn’t be too difficult to adjust, Buck already occupied his own home in Eddie’s mind and heart right alongside Christopher. The two of them together created the entirety of Eddie’s soul.

Eddie knows he’s crying too. It’s just been one of those days that he can’t bring himself to care about what he looks like. How swollen his face must be, how bright red and puffy. He doesn’t care when he’s finally home. 

It looks like it takes every bit of Buck’s energy to pull away from, but even then he doesn’t go far. His eyes bore into Eddie’s face, like he’s trying to memorize him, his hands coming up from his sides to cradle Eddie’s face. Buck smiles through a wet sob and swipes away the tear trails from Eddie’s cheeks.

Eddie wants nothing more than to kiss him. Buck is just as swollen and snotty and splotchy red as Eddie is, but he’s never been more attracted to anybody in his life. 

Buck’s eyes are everywhere, Eddie can barely follow along. The magnetic pull drawing them forward, the sun’s gravity if Eddie ever felt it, drags them forward. Their foreheads caress, lips apart, and it’s not enough, but Eddie is satisfied. Just to have Buck here, to have his body against his and his soul pouring into Eddie through their foreheads is enough for him.

They stay like that for a long moment, just breathing each other in, not speaking. Eddie slowly pulls Buck forward as he leans back until they’re lying next to each other in Eddie’s hospital bed. They’re hands don’t leave each other’s bodies, still pressed as close as they physically could. 

They don’t need to speak much past this. Eddie could feel how much Buck missed him in the soft stroke of his thumb across Eddie’s wrist, in the way his arm flexed every time Eddie shifted closer. He knows Buck can feel it too, how much Eddie missed him, in the way Eddie relaxed against him, let him cradle him.

Somehow Eddie drifts between consciousness and sleep. He never slips too deeply, not letting himself fall completely out of it, but he lets his body rest, and times his breathing with Buck, who’s fallen into a much deeper sleep. 

Buck stirs again, hours later, and Eddie watches as he opens his eyes.

“Morning sleepyhead,” Eddie smiles.

The smile that blooms over Buck’s face looks a little something like joy. Looks like unbridled happiness that could only be achieved by facing unimaginable darkness. There’s a quiver to his lips, a tight pull to his eyes. Eyelashes fluttering like he couldn’t bear to look away for even a second.

“I’m sorry,” Buck squeaks, voice coming out broken and wet again. He sniffs hard, turning his face into the pillow in shame. “Shit, I’m so sorry, Eddie.”

Eddie brushes a hand through Buck’s hair, momentarily forgetting that he’s not supposed to be touching Buck so intimately. That they weren’t there yet, might not ever get there.

“What are you talking about?” Eddie asks, nudging Buck’s face up so that he could see his face again, whole and unobstructed. “I’m the only who should be apologizing.”

Buck scoffs, flexing the hold he had on Eddie. “You got hurt Eddie. I was supposed to have your back. Keep you from getting hurt. That was my job and I failed. I’m so sorry. To you, and to Christopher. He nearly lost his dad.”

“I’m here now,” Eddie argues, leaning forward, capturing Buck’s eyes, forcing him to look straight at him. “Listen to me, Buck. There’s nothing you could’ve done to stop me from getting hurt. That’s the job. Sometimes there are things outside of our control and there’s nothing we can do.”

“Yeah but--”

“I get it. That’s exactly what I felt when you were trapped under the ladder truck. When I learned that I had gone the whole day without even realizing you and Chris were in the tsunami. Like a failure. Useless.”

Buck wipes his face. “Look at us. A couple of idiots who can’t stop blaming themselves for everything.”

Eddie chuckles weakly. “Exactly. That’s us.”

Buck goes quiet for a moment, eyes flickering over Eddie’s face. “I missed you,” Buck whispers. “So fucking much, Eddie. You have no idea.”

It feels good to hear. It’s selfish, but it makes him feel better about himself. To be wanted, to be missed so much. 

Buck shakes his head. “You have no idea how scared I was that you were going to die. Or...or that you were going to wake up and have forgotten everything.”

“Pretty sure that only happens in movies.”

“I read an autobiography about a man who fell into a coma and when he woke up he started speaking Mandarin, and he’d never so much as had chinese food in his life--”

Eddie bursts into peals of unabashed laughter, keeling over to bury his face in Buck’s shoulder. Buck stops talking but when Eddie finally calms down long enough to look up into his face, his face is soft, gaze unyielding. 

It felt good to laugh. The ache in his ribs is a relief, the air in his lungs heavy and delicious. 

Buck just smiles at the sight of him. 

“I missed you too,” Eddie admits, then averts his eyes, suddenly struck with a wave of anxiety but also with a strong determination to tell him. “I dreamed about you.”

Buck’s eyebrows draw together in surprise. “You did?” he asks in a small voice, like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. At Eddie’s nod, he asks, “What did you dream about?”

“It was mostly the same as this,” Eddie says. “You and me, and Christopher. The 118.”

“Good dreams?”

Eddie breathes in slowly, letting the painful memories flow out in an exhale. “Not all of them. Some of them were...really, really bad.” Buck squeezes Eddie’s hand. He looks up again, “And others were...really _really_ good.”

“Will you tell me about them?”

Eddie thinks about it for a second. “Maybe one day. Not right now.”

Buck nods, totally understanding as always. Eddie hadn’t expected anything different from him.

“What time is it?” Buck asks.

Not for the first time since he woke up, Eddie wonders where his phone is, wishing he had it with him. Instead he has to check the clock on the machine. 

“Ah…” Eddie groans. “My parents said they’d be coming back in a few hours. Once visiting hours open.”

Buck stiffens at that. Eddie’s eyes narrow.

“Buck…” Eddie starts. “Abuela said you were all at the courthouse yesterday. Chris said you were asking the judge if he could live with you?”

Buck’s face darkens considerably, his mouth set in a hard line and his jaw tucked in like he was trying to make himself small, but also like he was trying to force himself not to burst out with whatever it was he clearly wanted to say. 

Buck sits up, and Eddie struggles to follow suit. For a second he thinks Buck might try to help him but he doesn’t and Eddie appreciates it.

Buck hunches over and buries his face in his hands. When he pulls them away he looks impossible older. Like he’d aged 20 years in 2 months.

“Buck?”

“You might as well hear it from me,” Buck starts, wringing his hands before crossing them over his chest. Eddie can’t stop himself from reaching out and placing a hand on Buck’s shoulder. Usually it relaxes the younger man, but this time it just seems to make him more stiff, but he doesn’t shake off Eddie’s hand. “We had a custody hearing today. Between your parents and I. I was contesting them for the temporary guardian rights over Christopher.”

What? Why would he need to do that? 

“I don’t understand…” Eddie starts. Now that he had more time to think about it, he was pretty damn sure he _had_ modified his will to name Buck as Christopher’s guardian. “I named you.”

Buck nearly whines. “Yeah...I only found that out yesterday. I don’t know when you made that change to your will or when it finally got processed but I didn’t find out until Adriana called me earlier.”

“Adriana?” Why was Buck talking to his older sister of _all_ people? When did they even meet? “But...before you I named Abuela. Not my parents.”

“I know,” Buck says. “They were able to contest that pretty easily, but apparently they knew about the change long before today and just...kept it hidden.”

Eddie’s fists clench and unclench, grabbing fistfuls of his hospital blankets. Buck throws a leg over Eddie’s bed, standing up for the first time since they’d lied down together last night. Eddie instantly misses his warmth and wants him to come back.

It dawns on Eddie then. “So you...you tried to get custody of Chris over them, even when you didn’t need to?”

“I didn’t know, Eddie.”

“I never told you,” Eddie sighs. “I was going to tell you. I swear, I was. I just didn’t know how to tell you and there was never a good enough time and…”

“I’m not mad about that,” Buck comes forward again, but this time he sits by Eddie’s bedside instead of on his bed with him. Eddie doesn’t like it but he doesn’t say anything, especially when Buck grabs his hand in both of his. “Eddie...I’m honored you even wanted to leave Christopher with me.”

Eddie stares at him in confusion. “I told you Buck...there’s no one in this world I trust with my son more than you. I didn’t just say that to make you feel better after the tsunami. You know I wouldn’t do that, right?”

Buck looks down sheepishly. Shit, maybe he had. 

“I was _serious,_ Buck,” Eddie places his other hand on top of both of Buck’s, making a hand sandwich of sorts. “You know me...I don’t trust Christopher with just anybody. 

“I know, _I know,_ I just thought--” he trails off. Something that looks like sorrow passes over Buck’s face.

“I don’t know what you’re thinking about right now,” Eddie tilts Buck’s face up. “But I’m not mad. Not at you, at least.”

“I swear to god, Eddie, I didn’t want to take him away from you. I just knew how you felt about your parents and when they took him to Texas I just freaked out and--”

Wait, wait, _wait._ Hold the fucking phone.

“Did you just say they _took Christopher to Texas?_ ” Eddie’s voice reaches an octave he’s not used to reaching. “What the fuck--”

“I couldn’t stop them. It was just--one moment, I had Christopher and we were together and the next they’d packed up his room, pulled him out of school and left and there was nothing I could do about it except to take it to court.”

“They pulled him out of school? What, did they think I was dead? I was just in a coma, I was coming back!”

But that was the thing, was it? Eddie knew, even as he shook his head. It didn’t matter if he was just sleeping, or dead, his parents had wanted to be Christopher’s parents this whole time. Why wouldn’t they jump at the chance to have what they wanted now? Now that they thought Eddie was out of the picture, they could swoop in and take Christopher back to Texas where they could raise him how they wanted.

Did they even stop to think about what was best for Christopher? Were they so resentful of Eddie packing up and leaving for California under their noses? Christopher was _his_ son, not theirs. They had absolutely no fucking right.

“Eddie...?”

Eddie bites his lip. “This is so fucking typical.”

“Edd--”

“They couldn’t even wait just a little bit to see if I’d wake up, they just up and took my son away from his life and from you and from _me--”_

“Eddie--”

“He’s just a little kid! Probably terrified because of me, and then my parents think it’s okay to go and take him away like they know what’s best for him? Like they even know who he is now? I can’t fucking believe--”

“Knock knock.” Abuela raises an eyebrow as she knocks on the door, finally getting Eddie’s attention. 

Eddie looks up at her, ready to ask her if she knew about all of this and if she even bothered to try to talk his parents out of anything. But then he sees Christopher next to her, and all of his previous ire just melts away.

“Daddy! Buck!” Christopher races forward and Eddie nearly falls out of bed _again_ trying to capture his little ball of love in his arms. 

Christopher catapults into Eddie’s arms first, holding him close. He only pulls away when he sees Buck trying to scoot back. With the best coordination he could muster, Christopher swings his arm out around Buck’s neck and pulls him in too.

“Bucky, you’re here! We’re all here!”

Buck melts into their three-way embrace and Eddie soaks it up, his family all here together again. This was what was right, _this_ is what real felt like. 

“Dad, Buck came and visited me in Texas at Tía Adri’s house and he pushed me and Harley on the swings and we went _so high,_ dad! Can we go to the park soon so we can show you?”

Eddie smiles at him, “Sure, buddy, we’ll go to the park as soon as I’m okay to go home, okay?"

“Okay!” Christopher hums happily, snuggling into Eddie’s side. 

Eddie regards Buck softly. “You went after him in Texas?”

Buck’s face burns red and he pulls back a bit until Eddie snatches his hand to keep him from moving back even farther. “Don’t. I’m happy you did.”

Happy isn’t even close to how Eddie feels about it. Buck went after his son, he didn’t just sit back and let his parents take Christopher. It would’ve been so easy to let things fall where they may, anybody would’ve. They were his parents, who would think to question them? 

“Thank you,” Eddie says. 

“For what?”

“For fighting for him.”

Buck’s eyes widen, eyes fluttering. It’s so pretty, reminding Eddie of just after the tsunami, basking in the morning sun coming through the windows of Buck’s apartment. The surprise on Buck’s face, seeing that Eddie still trusted him to be alone and watch Christopher. Like he was expecting Eddie to cut him out of his life entirely. Quite the opposite, after the tsunami Eddie wanted Buck around more--needed him around. He knew Buck didn’t completely understand, still didn’t feel like anybody wanted him, that’s why he fell so easily into the lawsuit.

After the lawsuit, Eddie often pondered on how he’d been able to forgive Buck. He’d been so angry with him, felt so betrayed, and yet once Buck apologized and explained, Eddie had just...buckled. He couldn’t stay mad at him. The anger didn’t completely go away, but it was no longer aimed at Buck. Instead he was mad at himself. He let it get this far. Getting so caught up in his own issues, he forced himself to not think about Shannon, to not think about how guilty he felt, about how much he wished he had just forgiven her earlier. And he was mad because he hadn’t wanted to forgive her. She left him, and Eddie understood that; he wouldn’t have wanted to stay with him either. But she left Christopher too. Their son was the one who had to live knowing his mom left him. Christopher wanted his mom back, Eddie understood that. And if he had just forgiven Shannon earlier, maybe none of that would’ve happened.

She still died. Eddie didn’t know if he had done anything differently if she still would’ve died. His mom used to say that when a person died “it was their time” but Eddie never felt like that was supposed to be Shannon’s time. And if it was, why the fuck would the God that his family believed in so much, just take her away right as his son got his mother back.

Sometimes Eddie felt like all of it was just to spite him. It was his karma, for leaving Christoper alone with Shannon in the first place. He made the choice to enlist, it was all he could do. He had a high school diploma and nothing else. He was living in El Paso with no real job opportunities and he had a baby on the way and a wife who resented him for getting her pregnant. He forced her to put her life on hold, so now it was his responsibility to make sure she and their baby lived a comfortable life.

That’s what his dad always told him. The man of the house was supposed to provide for his wife and children. The woman was the nurturer, the one who raised the kids, cooked and clean. It was the natural order of things. Do not question it. It was God’s given roles.

Eddie had let himself believe it. And even when he stopped believing in God, and stopped going to church, they lingered. He put Shannon in this situation, the least he could do was make sure they were taken care of. And besides, Eddie wasn’t a good person, he’d never been good with kids before. He wasn’t meant to be a father. He could fulfill the role of distant provider easily. 

Even when he yearned to be at home, holding Christopher, he knew it wasn’t his place. Coming home, and Shannon telling him to go get his son, Eddie tried. He tried so hard to be what Christopher needed. He’d rock him, and hug him, trying to soothe the little boy. But Christopher existed in such turmoil, he cried like he was in pain, like Eddie’s touch did nothing but make it worse. 

Christopher cried hard, sad, agonized tears and Eddie could do nothing but hold him and beg him to stop crying, both Christopher and himself. He wasn’t supposed to cry--men weren’t supposed to cry in front of their children--but every time he held a baby Christopher and the words _“he doesn’t know you, Eddie. You’re a stranger to him”_ echoed through his head, he could barely stop himself from bursting into tears right alongside Christopher.

And then Shannon left, and he was alone. His mom swooped in, saying she would take care of him, that Christopher needed a motherly touch, and she was the only one who could give that to him now that that woman was gone. 

Eddie longed for his son, even when they were living under the same roof. He longed for the ease in which his mom held him, fed him, changed his diapers. Eddie tried to do all of it, but his mom would tut, say he was doing it all wrong, and to just let her do it. She didn’t bother to teach him, why bother? A baby needed a mother, not a father. Christopher needed _her._ Eddie didn’t factor into that equation. His dad, always on the sidelines watching as his mother did whatever she wanted, said nothing. Said it was better this way, and Eddie best go get ready for work.

He let it happen. He let it get to that point where his parents thought they deserved to be Christopher’s parents more than him.

He was ashamed of himself. When would Eddie fucking learn to stop letting other people think he wasn’t good enough to be his son’s father?

It’s why, when Eddie moved to Los Angeles, he was hesitant to share Christopher with anyone new. To introduce him to anyone else who wasn’t his abuela or his tía, who never once made Eddie feel like he was less of a man for wanting to be a good father for his son.

Meeting Buck for the first time, being on the receiving end of his animosity, made Eddie feel like that person again. The one everyone looked down on. It’s why he tried so hard to prove to Buck that he could do this. He could be the firefighter with the hardest punches, the swiftest kicks, the most resourceful. Eddie, in some fucked up way, was trying to prove to Buck of all people that he belonged there in that firehouse. 

It surprised him, how little it took for Buck to let go of his hostility. Eddie had expected to be work friends. He expected to be comrades in the field, just like when he was in the army. 

He wasn’t expecting Buck to take one look at Eddie, at Christopher, at Eddie’s stress-filled life, and dive right in. 

And for the first time, receiving help from somebody else didn’t make him feel ashamed of himself. Buck found him Carla, found him Christopher’s school. Buck spoke to Bobby before Eddie could grovel at his feet, and prepared them all for Christopher. Buck offered to cover his shifts if Eddie needed to be there for Christopher. Sometimes he even gave up his shifts if Eddie needed extra money (Buck never ever told him this, Eddie knew because he checked the roster and _knew_ that Buck was supposed to be working, but somehow a shift magically became vacant the next day). 

Eddie had never once in his life had someone like Buck.

It was easy, falling so fucking in love with Buck, it was like blinking. Something he did automatically, all day every day, without having to think about it.

“Helena and Ramon wanted me to let you know that they won’t be able to come in this morning,” Abuela says, taking a seat across from them. 

_That’s not suspicious._ “Why not?”

Abuela shrugs. “I don’t know, Eddito. I don’t understand why they wouldn't come and visit their only son who just woke up from a coma. I will never understand those two.” 

“I know that Bobby and Athena definitely are stopping by as soon as they can today,” Buck tells him. “Probably Hen, Chim and Maddie close behind them.”

He’s not wrong. Over the course of the next day and a half Eddie had more visitors than he knew what to do with. Bobby and Athena were the first to show up, then Hen and Karen and Chim and Maddie. After they left, they all came back but this time with their kids in tow. May and Harry, Denny, and Carly. Michael and his boyfriend showed up to give their well-wishes too. And of course, Pepa and her family had visited him as well, cousins he hadn’t spoken to in a while coming out of the woodwork.

He face-timed Adriana at one point.

_“I’m sorry I can’t come down there right away,”_ she told him. _“You know how it is with kids.”_ And Eddie really did. He didn’t blame her at all. Buck and Chris had been at his side non-stop the last couple of days, Christopher only leaving to go home with Abuela at night. Buck, more than usually, stayed the night. He’d apparently made friends with the nurses and they snuck him in past visiting hours. 

“I heard Buck came down to Texas,” Eddie tells her. “That must’ve been a wild ride.”

_“Mom and Dad didn’t know I let him see Christopher,”_ she tells him honestly. _“He tried to go through them but they wouldn’t let him see him. It wasn’t right.”_

“Thank you,” Eddie mumbles. “For helping him.”

_“Fucking of course,”_ Adriana laughs. _“That man loves you and Christopher more than life itself, I would’ve kicked my own ass if I didn’t help him.”_

Eddie’s face burns. He’s glad Buck had stepped out to get them some real food for lunch. Eddie had been working hard at his physical therapy, and he could move his legs again at will. It was difficult, and walking was still hard most of the time, but he was getting better. Gaining more strength. Buck was right where Eddie wanted him, by his side the entire time.

Adriana smiles like a Cheshire cat at the look on his face. _“Edmundito, have you talked to him yet?”_

“Of course I’ve talked to him. I've done nothing but talk to him.” He knows that’s not what she means but right now it’s easier to play dumb.

She hisses at him. _“I will get my ass on a plane and come down there and beat the shit out of you if you don’t stop being a fucking idiot. That man took mom and dad to court over Christopher. He fought everything they threw at him, and he won, Eddie. How can you sit there and pretend you don’t know that man’s feelings for you.”_

“What do you mean?”

_“He didn’t tell you?"_

What? Tell him what?

_“The judge ruled in Buck’s favor.”_

“He told you that?” Eddie asks and Adriana hums her confirmation. “He shouldn’t have had to fight them in court in the first place. I named him as Christopher’s guardian.”

_“He didn’t know that,”_ Adriana huffs. _“Shit, none of us knew that.”_

“Mom and dad did,” Eddie purses his lips in anger. “You know they haven’t come back to visit me. Abuela said they got themselves a hotel. I don’t even want to go home and see what they’ve done to my place. I don’t know why they don’t just go home, they obviously don’t want to see me.”

_“I can start shipping Christopher’s stuff back to you,”_ Adriana offers. _“Get him his room back.”_

“That would be good.”

_“I’m sorry about Mom and Dad,”_ Adriana says after a silent moment. _“I know they can be old-fashioned and condescending but I truly did not expect them to lie about your will like that.”_

Eddie nods at her but doesn’t say he wasn’t surprised. He was just grateful that this time he had people on his side. Buck and Abuela and Adriana and the team. All of them went to bat for him, for Christopher. Never in his life did he think he deserved people who cared about him this much, and yet they continued to exceed his expectations every day.

“It’s whatever,” he ends up muttering. There’s not much more to say. They’ve lived this their entire life. 

_“Yeah…”_ she trails off. Then she perks up and says, _“Anyway, so you better confess to Buck and then put a ring on it because he’s invited to Julian’s birthday party in August and I better see you two cuffed by the time it rolls around.”_

Eddie splutters, “Jesus--”

Buck waltzes in with food right at that moment and Adriana screams her hello at him and Buck does the same right back, the two of them like best dog friends seeing each other again at the dog park. Great. He hadn’t seen the two of them becoming best friends and teaming up against him coming. 

But it makes him feel warm inside. Knowing how much the people in his family--the ones Eddie values the opinions of--love and appreciate Buck.

It finally feels like his life is coming together. 

So he makes his decision as he eats lunch with Buck and discusses the plans for Eddie’s discharge. He will talk to Buck, tell him the truth of his feelings and let the chips fall where they may. He knew now that no matter what, Buck was not going to abandon him or Chris, even if his feelings weren’t the same as Eddie’s. 

The next day Buck and Christopher are back--Christopher had begged to come along and help take Eddie back to their house. Buck wheels Eddie out in a chair, and Eddie tries not to focus on how close their faces get, breath nearly intertwining as the taller man helps Eddie into the car. 

Christopher chatters along the entire way home, filling the silence of the car and for that Eddie is grateful. Buck is driving, and for some reason he isn’t turning the music on like he usually does, but Eddie doesn’t bother to ask why. Instead, he brings his hand up slightly, letting it rest next to Buck’s on the console between the seats. If Buck notices Eddie’s movement, he doesn’t acknowledge it. Eddie’s eyes flicker from the road back to their hands and he pushes his own up a little higher until the skin is just shy of against Buck’s. Seems like Buck notices it then. He doesn’t stiffen, but his hand does twitch, like he’s expecting something but doesn’t want to move himself. Eddie doesn’t mind, he lets his pinky glide out, knocking gently against Buck’s. The answer is Buck’s own fingers spreading, a barely there gasp escaping his lips, and he lets Eddie slide his pinky fully over his. 

And then, in a move that shock’s Eddie and sends a flush of heat down his spine, Buck curls his own pinky. The two hands finally locked in a pinky promise of their own. 

It’s then Eddie notices Buck’s eyes glancing at him, and then away again, his face sheepish and blush high on his cheeks. Eddie tingles all over. It feels like he’s found himself back in the fourth grade, blushing over a crush he thinks maybe _like_ likes him back but he can’t be sure.

Touching Buck like this outside of the hospital feels different. There, it felt like there were no rules, like it existed in a vacuum of time with no consequences. Outside of the hospital, it wasn’t the same. Their bubble hadn’t burst, per se, really it had sort of traveled along with them to the car. But there was a different air about it. Touching him in front of Christopher, touching Buck outside of their desperation over life and death, or the pure relief of being reunited. 

This pinky promise between them that this wasn’t the end--that they still had plenty to say to each other.

At home, Buck helps him get situated on the couch. Eddie looks around at the obvious changes his parents had made while he was away. They probably didn’t clean before he got back, but just vanished to their hotel. Once again, Eddie thanked himself for having the forethought to only buy fake plants. The house was dusty, and Buck scrambled about, furiously cleaning even when Eddie badgered him to just sit down and chill out with him. Buck’s nervous energy was contagious however, especially because Buck was steadfastly ignoring going anywhere near Christopher’s room.

Eddie remembered what it had been like, in his head when he dreamed of Christopher’s room. Empty and lifeless like his son had never even been there. Eddie’s not keen to relive that anytime soon, so he lets Buck flitter about, making the three of them dinner with groceries he bought earlier that day.

Eddie manages to get himself up on his two feet and walks with his crutch slowly to the kitchen door. Buck is standing in front of the pan, mixing a packet of cheese with macaroni noodles and ground beef. The steam coming up from the pan washes over Buck’s face, turning his cheeks a delicious pink. If cooking gives Buck a way to distract himself, then Eddie wasn’t going to feel bad about looking at Buck to distract himself too.

When Buck finally catches sight of Eddie in the doorway, he stops his movements. 

“Oh hey! I didn’t notice you come in. Dinner is almost ready. You don’t have to worry about getting up to sit at the table; I bought these cute little ‘breakfast-in-bed’ platters from Daiso the other day and I thought we could all go sit on the couch and eat dinner and watch a movie like old times. Did you know that Christopher has never seen _The Road to El Dorado?_ I can’t believe you, Eddie, the movie is a classic! Even _I_ have seen that movie and Christopher hasn’t? A travesty. Anyway, I also brought over the sheets and blankets from Christopher’s bed at my apartment to put on his bed here until Adriana ships the rest of his things. Unless you want him to sleep in your room. I know he was sleeping there while your parents were in the guest room, but I figured he might want to sleep in his own room now that you’re back. Or not. I don’t know, he might want to sleep with you still, but either way, I brought them over and I also bought him another Dory plushie because his other one is still back in Texas and I didn’t want him to miss it so--”

Eddie had slowly made his way over to Buck the whole time the younger man was rambling. Along the way, Eddie pushed his crutch to the side and threw his arms around Buck’s neck. Eddie’s still a bit weak, and can’t really hold his entire weight on his legs, so when Buck’s arms glide over Eddie’s lower back, he shifts Eddie’s weight onto him and just lets Eddie sink in.

Buck sighs into Eddie’s neck, like he’s letting go of months worth of tension and Eddie lets his fingers find their way into Buck’s hair. He presses the back of Buck’s neck in closer to him. 

“Thank you,” Eddie whispers. “I can’t remember if I said it before, but I probably did, and I will say it a thousand times more and it will never be enough. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. For introducing Carla, for talking to Bobby at the firehouse. For making Christopher feel like he can do anything--beat a tsunami, ride a fucking skateboard. Thank you for loving him. For loving me.”

Eddie’s trembling but he doesn’t care, he just holds Buck tighter, squeezing every thank you and I love you into it. Giving him the long overdue hug that he deserved ages ago. The hug he should’ve given him that day in the firehouse when he went out of his way to make Christopher--and Eddie--welcome. The one he should’ve given him after Buck woke up in the hospital after the truck bombing, when Eddie had been too awkward--too afraid--to slip into his hospital room and make his presence known. The day after the tsunami, when he had to be satisfied with feeling Buck’s pulse under his fingers, with chasing his gaze so their eyes could share the caress their bodies couldn’t. Or, the one when they had finally forgiven each other, solidified that there was an _us,_ there will always be an _us,_ but Eddie’s body had been too broken, too bruised, to sink into the hug. There were so many times Eddie should’ve let himself hug Buck, so he let this hug make up for all of those missed opportunities, all of those times when their hugs were so fleeting, just a barely there grasp of a waist. In this hug, he gave himself wholly to Buck.

“If you could just keep on loving us,” Eddie’s voice wobbles, a plea...a beg. “I promise I’ll try to be enough for you too.”

Buck pulls back for just a moment, and his hand which had never left his body, comes up to cup his cheek. His eyes flicker back and forth across Eddie’s face. He’s never seen Buck look this serious. “You’ve always been enough Eddie. Always.”

And he’s serious. Eddie knows it, because this is Buck, and he’s never lied to Eddie once. In that moment, Eddie believes it. 

He leans in.

“Daddy?” Christopher pops his head into the kitchen and Buck and Eddie spring back, Eddie nearly falling over if he hadn’t caught himself on the counter. The two of them try their best to wipe their faces of tears as inconspicuous as they possibly could, Buck handing Eddie his crutch back without looking him in the eye. But Eddie can see it on his face, the lingering smile. The _did that really almost just happen_ daze. Eddie wants to just say fuck it and lunge for him again right there and then. He might’ve if Christopher hadn’t been standing there regarding the both of them. Also if Eddie had any confidence at all in remaining on his own two feet. 

Buck sets their dinner up on their platters and guides them both back to the couch. He sets all their drinks down on the table in front. Buck sets the movie up and then goes to sit down on the other side of Chris when the little boy stops him.

“Daddy should be in the middle tonight,” he says. “Cause me and Bucky missed you a lot. I can be in the middle another time.”

Eddie’s heart swells so fast he worries he might have to go back to the hospital to check for palpitations. Buck leans down and kisses Christopher on the head and once again Eddie’s certain he’s going to have to go back to the hospital. Then Buck is sinking down by Eddie’s side, their thighs touching, shoulders too. Everything is just touching, and he’s not sure whether to thank Christopher or scold him because there’s no way Eddie’s going to be able to eat, let alone pay attention to the movie for the discussion about it that’s inevitably going to come right after. 

Half way through the movie, after they’ve all eaten and digested their food, Eddie finds himself sandwiched between his boys, Christopher’s arms wrapped around his waist and his cheek resting against his bicep as he sits, completely enraptured in the movie, and Buck who has his arm around the back of the couch and his head leaning against Eddie’s shoulder. Buck’s free hand lay between the crease where his thigh met Eddie’s.

Eddie let his cheek rest against Buck’s head, his right arm wrapped around Buck’s waist, and his left holding Christopher’s hand. 

He was completely snuggled with his family, the air warm and the lights dimmed. It wasn’t completely night time yet, the sun hadn’t gone down all the way yet, but Eddie could fall asleep just like this. 

There was nothing in the world that could disturb his peace.

Except a knock on the door. 

All three of them groan, not one of them wanting to leave their personal cocoon of warmth. Ultimately, as the only one not on crutches at the moment, Buck is the one to get up, untangling himself from Eddie’s grip. He immediately misses the steady pressure of Buck glued to his side, misses the heat that always seemed to radiate from his body at the most pleasant temperature.

Eddie does turn his head to look at who’s at the door when Buck opens it.

It’s a complete stranger.

“Eddie Diaz?” the man asks Buck. 

“Uh...no, hold on--”

Eddie grabs his crutch, getting up and making his way slowly to the front door. He stands next to Buck and regards the man in a suit with a briefcase in front of him.

“I’m Eddie. Can I help you?”

The man unclips his briefcase and pulls out a yellow package envelope.

“You’re being served,” the man says, and hands the envelope to Eddie.

_“What?”_ Buck snaps. “What for?!”

The man says, “I’m afraid I don’t know the details of the summons. Have a good evening.”

The man turns and walks away.

“What the fu--” Buck blinks and looks over at Christopher who was looking at them curiously from the couch. 

Eddie shuts the door. “Um, buddy?” Eddie says to Christopher. “Can you do me a favor and go wait in my room?”

“Are you okay?” Christopher asks in a small voice. 

Buck comes forward, picking Christopher up. “Hey, it’s okay. We just have to read some boring adult papers and your dad thinks it might be a good idea if we set you up with a book in his room for now, okay?”

Buck looks over at Eddie who nods, grateful that Buck had taken the reins. Christopher acquiesces easily, letting himself be carried to Eddie’s bedroom. 

Eddie goes into the kitchen and sits down at the table, staring at the yellow envelope. After a few moments, Buck comes back in, shutting the door before pulling a chair up beside him and sitting down.

“Do you think it’s your parents?” Buck gulps.

Eddie pinches his brow. “I don’t know what they possibly think they can hold over me now. I just--” Eddie reaches forward and rips the top of the envelope off, tilting it and letting the contents pour out of the package.

He reads the first page. 

Then throws the papers across the room. Eddie stands up so fast, this time he does topple over and knocks into the wall.

“Eddie! Eddie what--?!” Buck bends down and scoops up the paper.

He skims through it, making sharp buzzing noises under his breath before reading out loud, “--seeking full time custody of Christopher Diaz on the grounds of potential domestic abuse-- _WHAT?!”_

Eddie can’t really hear him. His head is rushing with the images from his dream, but it’s worse this time because he knows this could actually become reality, and if it becomes reality, there’s nothing he could do to change it. No waking up this time, no second chances.

Buck keeps reading, “--unfit to be his parent due to participation in an underground fighting ring--” Buck gasps, taking a step back and knocking into the chair so hard it scraps loudly against the kitchen floor.

Eddie slides down the kitchen wall until he’s on his ass on the ground. He shoves his head into his hands, trying to take calming breaths.

“How did they even find out about this?” Buck starts pacing. “I swear to God Eddie I didn’t tell anyone and the only other people who knew were Lena and Bobby and--”

“Frank,” Eddie hangs his head. “Frank knows.”

This was obviously news to Buck. “I--you don’t think?”

“I don’t know, Buck.” Eddie’s head feels like it’s about to explode. “Can you please call my abuela and ask her to come pick up Chris...I’m about to lose it and I can’t--I _can’t--_ have him in the house when I do.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’ll do that--” Buck scrambles out of the kitchen to get his phone that he’d left in the other room. 

Eddie sits there, staring at the wall. 

He was so stupid to think he’d just get away with it. He’d nearly killed a guy, and Lena had covered for him so he wouldn’t get arrested again. But that first arrest? That was still public record. Anybody could access it, including his parents. But they wouldn’t have known to look unless someone had told them. 

He knew when he was fighting that it could end badly. That’s why he quit. When he almost killed a man with his bare hands, when he felt himself slipping back into _Diaz_ the soldier who could kill without thought, he backed off. If he let it get too out of hand, he could lose everything. 

He could lose Christopher.

This was worse than any nightmare he could’ve had. This was real life and karma had finally come back to kick his ass.

It was entirely his own fault, and he was going to have to face the consequences. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW's:
> 
> -The "False Accusations of Domestic Abuse" tag comes into play towards the end of this chapter. Eddie's parents sue him for custody of Christopher because they believe Eddie to be physically abusing Christopher on the grounds of them finding out about Eddie's past street-fighting. All of these accusations are completely false, not even his parents believe it. They are a tactic used by Eddie's parents only to get custody.  
> -These themes as well as parental alienation themes will be continuously woven throughout the rest of the story


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW's in the end notes, and as always please let me know if anyone feels additional warnings/tags are needed

Someone at CPS contacts Eddie the next morning. He asks to know Christopher’s location and Eddie tells him that his grandmother came to pick him up last night. They tell him that Christopher needs to stay with his grandmother for the time being until they are able to finish their investigation, and that he may not contact Christopher until a third party supervisor contacts him, or until the investigation is complete.

Eddie grits his teeth, but he manages to give them a polite okay. He has to. Any show of anger--any show of aggression, even a too loud agreement--could get Christopher taken away for good.

His rights to Christopher have been temporarily suspended until CPS has finished it’s investigation, and until the judge at the next trial determines whether or not Christopher can come back with Eddie or...if he has to surrender his rights to his parents.

Eddie has the displeasure of meeting Buck’s lawyer. She’s a nice person, and seems to know her stuff, but Eddie wishes it never came to the point where he’d need her.

They’re also contacting everyone who knew of Eddie’s street-fighting. In this case, Frank who had to release his records of their therapy sessions together during that time; Lena, who was on-record for bailing him out of jail around the same time, her Captain Cooper given that he reported Eddie to Bobby and Bobby himself. 

There was no record of Buck knowing of his street fighting, and he hopes to keep it that way. He’s still expecting Buck to get interviewed anyway, but at least Buck didn’t know of the street fighting until after Eddie stopped. 

Finally, Eddie was informed as to how his parents discovered this information.

They had his cell phone. When Eddie was in the hospital, they released his personal artifacts to his parents--one of which was his phone. The same phone that Eddie never bothered to put a pass code on given that Christopher asked to play games on it so often that a password made it tedious. Apparently the old fight manager had contacted him--he still had Eddie’s number even if Eddie had deleted his--and that set his parents off digging for more information.

“The DA is declining to investigate further into the fighting ring itself,” Julianna tells them. “They already investigated it a while back and closed the case given that MMA fighting rings are not technically illegal in the state of California, and because they had no record of anyone being killed in it.” 

_Only almost killed,_ Eddie thinks to himself.

Julianna continues, oblivious to Eddie’s silent meltdown. “The fighting was consensual, so they cannot charge Eddie criminally for that.”

“But what?” Buck asks, who was sitting right next to him. Initially, Eddie had been planning to come to Julianna’s office alone, but Buck had offered to come with him. But only if Eddie wanted.

Despite everything, Eddie wanted Buck by his side. The feeling of his arm pressed against Eddie’s was the only thing keeping him from freaking out. 

“We have the next court case in a week,” Julianna tells them. “Eddie, your parents and their lawyer are going to try and present as much evidence as possible that they believe you aren’t a fit parent and a danger to Christopher--”

“I’ve never laid a hand on my son,” Eddie grits out. His breathing through his nose comes faster, shallower. “I would _never--”_

His voice breaks and Buck has his hand wrapped around Eddie’s in a second. 

Eddie has to bite his tongue, shut his eyes and turn away from them. It’s the only thing he can do, to not face them, to not give away everything on his face. He’s sure Buck can still see it, the man has always been able to read him like a picture book. Eddie had never been the person people vibed with easily. It took some time for him to open up, to drop his soldier mask and let just a little bit of who he really was make its way to the surface.

Now more than ever it seemed being who he really was was his biggest weakness.

“I know that,” Julianna says. “I believe your parents know that too. This isn’t an uncommon tactic in child custody cases. Ask yourself: what’s the easiest way to get full custody of your kid and the rights of the other parent revoked? The big three: physical abuse, sexual abuse and drugs and alcohol abuse.”

Eddie is going to vomit all over his shoes. He can’t even--who could--to their own children? Eddie wasn’t naive, he knew that that shit happened because the world would never not be a fucked up place, but to accuse someone of doing those things to their child when they hadn’t? He understood why every claim had to be investigated, there were real children out there in danger, but this wasn’t the case for him and Christopher. His parents were doing this because they _knew_ what would happen. He knew the statistics. And he knew what he had going against him.

This shit was really happening to real kids, and they were the ones who needed help. He saw it all the time in his line of work. He’d been called to domestic abuse scenes with women and children who needed help. It was easy to hate those people, they deserved it. Eddie knew how dangerous false accusation claims were--all it did was make it harder for other people who it was really happening to. The number of people who were falsely accused was way less than the number of people who were rightly accused. 

And now he found himself in that statistic. 

How could his parents, of all people, accuse him of this? They knew him. They knew his relationship with Christopher. Did they really hate Eddie that much that they would do this?

Or worse, did they actually think he did it? Did they actually think he would _hurt_ Christopher--

Okay, now he really is going to be sick.

Eddie is up and out of his seat and dashing out of the office before anyone can say anything further.

Eternally grateful that he spotted the bathroom before they came to Julianna’s office, Eddie slams his way in, finds an empty stall and throws up the entire contents of his stomach.

He hasn’t felt this weak in years. Not since he’d been bleeding out in Afghanistan, waiting to die and hating himself for not being able to save his team. Knees spread on the nasty linoleum floor, hands wrapped around the bowl of the toilet, Eddie didn’t get up, but let the automatic flush wash away his sick.

Someone was behind him a moment later, pulling him up, cradling his body to a large chest.

_Buck._

The man doesn’t say anything. He just picks Eddie up, wipes his mouth with a paper towel like Eddie’s a child and brushes his hair back. The desire to push him away kicks in. Eddie’s a grown fucking man, he shouldn’t be throwing up in a public bathroom. He shouldn’t be letting someone else--another man--take care of him like he was a child. He shouldn’t have gotten to this place to begin with.

But Eddie can’t bring himself to move on his own. He lets Buck man handle him up off the floor, whispering soft words of comfort into his ears. Tiny little “you’re okay”s and “I got you, Eddie, I got you”. It’s a unisex bathroom and there’s a weird plush chair in the corner-- _fancy LA attorneys office’s really were something else--_ and Eddie can’t stop himself from crying when Buck has to leave his side for a moment so that he can run out to the hallway and get him some water from the distilled water fountain because he refused to make Eddie drink from the sink. Buck is back in less than a second but in that second Eddie sees his entire life being torn away from him and he can’t handle it.

It’s been almost three days since his parents submitted their appeal to the court--accused him of beating his son--and it hadn’t really sunk in until just now.

Did they tell Christopher? He prays to fucking God that they don’t tell Christopher--that they don’t ask to interview him. If he finds out that a stranger in a suit with pitying eyes and a recorder asked Christopher _“does your daddy hit you?”_ Eddie’s going to lose his fucking mind. That would be it for Eddie.

Buck is back, forcing Eddie to drink but it’s disgusting going down his throat. Eddie feels completely and utterly revolting. He knows rationally that he’s innocent--that he never even thought for a moment to lay a hand on Christopher--but just knowing that this was now out in the world, that people were calling him a _child abuser_ behind closed doors. The thought of _Christopher_ believing it--

“I didn’t do it,” Eddie whimpers, curling his fingers over Buck’s biceps. “I swear I would never hurt Christopher.”

“Hey.” Buck squeezes Eddie’s shoulder, firmly but without any aggression. “Don’t even let yourself think that. Not even for a moment. Anyone who has spent more than five seconds with you would know that you love your son more than anything else in this goddamn world. You had a moment of weakness with the street-fighting, but you got help.”

“I almost killed a man with my bare hands, and be-because of that they think I could hurt Chr-Christopher--”

“You would never,” Buck snaps. _“Never._ You know it, and Christopher knows it no matter what anyone else says. We’re going to prove it. They’re not getting away with this.”

Eddie crumbles into Buck’s arms and prays no one walks in and sees them. Eddie can’t take any more humiliation right now. He clings to Buck’s form, soaking in the feeling of _right right right finally right_. 

He wanted all of this to disappear. If he could go back in time, to the moment he let himself even consider going to the fighting ring, he would punch himself right in the face and scream: _Don’t you fucking dare, you asshole!_ But he couldn’t go back in time. He couldn’t even fall back into a coma and dream up another life for himself.

Instead, he had to stop crying, pick himself up and let Buck help him out of the building and back into his car. He doesn’t know if he’s just zoned out or passed out in the car, but the next time he finds his world in focus, he’s back in his house, lying in his bed, alone.

“Christopher?” he calls out. “Buck?”

Then he remembers that Christopher is at Abuela's house and Eddie’s not allowed to visit him. 

The door to his room creaks open and Buck hovers there, like he’s waiting for permission. Eddie stares at him, and Buck stares right back.

“Come here,” Eddie whispers, and it reminds him of that day not too long ago when Eddie finally woke up and had Christopher and Buck back by his side. Only this time, the universe said, you’re not getting Christopher back that easily. You want your kid? You’re going to have to fight like hell for him.

Buck comes closer, checking Eddie’s face every time he shifts to make a new move. Stopping at the foot of his bed, then leaning over, crawling in until he’s lying right next to Eddie on his side. They’re so close now and yet Buck is holding himself like there’s a barrier between them and...right now Eddie hates it. He doesn’t want anything in between them right now. He can’t handle being alone-- _feeling_ alone--right now.

Buck’s hand lays between them on the bed and Eddie just wants Buck to touch him.

“Touch me.”

Despite the darkness coating the room, light flickers in Buck’s eyes as they capture Eddie’s. There’s something there written in his face. A desire that matches the look on Eddie’s face. It’s like the two of them started as paint poured onto the middle of a page, folded in half and pulled apart. They laid together, two parallel splotches of paint. Eddie doesn't care what color he becomes, he just wants to mix with Buck.

Eddie reaches his hand out, holds it in front of Buck’s, and watches as finally Buck’s fingers grab his. With that bridge crossed, Buck moves forward and Eddie melts into Buck’s touch, cradling Eddie’s head over his chest.

The pleasant thump of Buck’s beating heart lulls Eddie to sleep.

*

Abuela called him that morning and told him when CPS came and interviewed Christopher at her house. Eddie sits in the kitchen and stares at the wooden beams that hung over the railing of the station. 

He had to go to work today. Even with everything going on, Eddie still had to attend physical therapy, and his body was recovering rapidly despite his deteriorating mental stability. He could walk again without the need for the crutch and his doctor cleared him to go back to work under the agreement that he take it slow and not do anything too heavy for the time being. Bobby had wanted him to stay off from work for as long as possible, but that wouldn’t work for Eddie. He had bills to pay, and just because he couldn’t see Christopher for the time being doesn’t mean he’s going to force the financial responsibility onto his abuela. And now with the cost of a lawyer and going to court--Eddie had no choice but to go back to work as soon as possible.

So here he is, at work, but he’s entirely distracted. He can’t get his mind off Christopher. What had CPS asked him? What had Christopher said? Eddie didn’t know why he was so worried. He never did anything to Christopher and yet he was left in a perpetual state of anxiety that something would pop up out of nowhere to slap him in the face. It was like driving behind a cop car even when you know you did nothing wrong. It didn’t matter if he did anything wrong or not--he could so easily be pulled over and accused and no one would stop to think did he actually do this or not? No. They would take one look at him, see his last name, his skin tone, and throw him away.

After the interviews with Eddie’s relatives, they’d moved on to his colleagues. Everyone at work--Buck, Bobby, Chim, Hen and even Athena--had been interviewed already, and Eddie could barely look them in the face at the station. They knew him, they were his friends--his _family_ sometimes more than his own flesh and blood--and yet none of them had known about Eddie’s street fighting. Now that they did, did they look at him differently? They’d never seen that side of Eddie, the side that lost himself to the violence, to the clarity in animalistic rage. You’d think that when he was overwhelmed like that, it would distract him more, weigh down on him harder--but it was the opposite. And that’s why he had gotten so addicted to it so fast. 

Pain was soothing. It clarified his mind, washed away any thought other than _punch, kick, deflect, hit, knock out, tap out._ When he used his fists against a punching bag--or against another man in the ring--Eddie didn’t think about everything he’d lost. Everything he wasn’t good enough to keep. All he saw was red, all he felt was adrenaline and an odd sense of peace.

Peace. Contentment. Those weren’t two emotions Eddie could ever say with much certainty he had felt often in his life. Turmoil. Anxiety. Crushing, _debilitating_ shame. Those were the emotions he was most familiar with.

The street-fighting had begun as a way to unleash his anger. But the more he was forced to think about where his anger came from, the more he realized he didn’t fight because he wanted to hurt other people. He fought because _he_ was hurt, and it felt way better to find ways to hurt himself more than to deal with what caused his pain in the first place.

Buck had told him that day in the kitchen all those months ago that Eddie had been throwing his punches at the wrong guy. In a sense, Buck was right, but not about who he thought Eddie wanted to punch. Even in the grocery store, when Eddie let his pain get the best of him, had gotten in Buck’s face and yelled at him like it would soothe the crack in his heart, he had never felt his palms itch with the desire to hit Buck. And it wasn’t just because of the blood thinners or whatever bullshit he told Buck. It was because Eddie didn’t _want_ to punch Buck. He didn’t want to hit anybody--not even that annoying guy in the parking lot. 

The person Eddie wanted to hit was himself. _Projecting,_ is what Frank called it when he talked about it with him. Eddie had grown up internalizing his pain. And according to Frank, when people internalized their pain, it was very easy for them to then shift their anger, their hurt, onto another person. Because it was a lot easier to fight another person than it was to fight yourself. 

How could his parents do this to him? To Christopher? He was just a little boy who had _just_ lost his mother, and then his father almost died. And now, right as Christopher got Eddie back, it was Eddie’s _parents_ trying to force them apart. 

He knows his mom and dad never thought he was good enough to be a parent. They had said it when they found out Shannon was pregnant, and they acted like it every time Eddie tried to raise Christopher on his own. When Eddie would speak back, he would say that he knew what he was doing (even if he didn’t), and that Christopher was his son.

His parents had never once believed it, had they? They never once thought Eddie was worthy of being Christopher’s parent--of being anyone’s parent. 

Didn’t his parents love him? At all?

It’s been a relatively slow day, and even when the calls ring out, Bobby asked Eddie to be the man behind and when he normally would have argued, today he just didn’t have the energy.

In between calls, when Buck was there, he sat next to Eddie, continued chatting away about mundane things--asking Hen about Denny and Nia, talking with Chim about Carly and Maddie. He never once tried to drag Eddie into the conversation, but it didn’t matter because Buck’s chatter made everything feel normal. Hen and Chim didn’t look at him differently, even when Eddie was eyeing them, categorizing their every expression, waiting for the good-natured smiles to morph into pity, the sympathetic tone to turn into uneasiness. He was waiting for them to become afraid of him. But it never came.

Why aren’t they mad at him?

“Out with it,” Eddie spits, and three pairs of eyes turn to look at it with surprise.

“Eddie--” Buck starts.

“No,” Eddie stops him. “I know you’ve all been called. You all know what’s happening--” _What I’m being accused of--_ “so out with it.”

Hen and Chim look at each other, then look at Buck and it irritates the fuck out of Eddie.

“Eddie,” Hen’s voice is calm. “You know none of us actually believe that you would hurt Christopher, right?”

“Are you sure?” Eddie snaps, leaning forward. “How do you know? It’s not like I didn’t lie to all of you about street-fighting. You saw the bruises, all of you, and you didn’t say a fucking word. Who’s to say I didn’t hurt Christopher too and you all ignored it?”

_“Eddie--”_ Buck gasps. 

“No. I want to know.”

“Because we know you, Eddie,” Chimney says, sitting up and putting his hands in the air, ever the diffuser of awkward situations. “You and Christopher have been a part of the family for years. We’ve seen how hard you work to be a good father to your son.” Hen emphatically agrees alongside him.

“You know me,” Eddie starts skeptically, “but I didn’t tell you about Shannon until she showed up. I didn’t tell you about the military or the street-fighting. Bobby only found out because Lena and Captain Cooper told him.”

Hen pipes in, “Eddie, we’re family, but you’re not obligated to share every little thing that happens to you with us. If you’re comfortable with it, of course we’ll listen, but you’re entitled to your own privacy.”

“Yeah, Buck and Hen didn’t tell me about Bobby’s relapse either,” Chim adds, sparing a glance at Buck and Hen who look guilty on either side of him. “I only found out during Buck’s lawsuit. I felt like shit for not knowing, I thought I was one of Bobby’s closest friends but I hadn’t been there for him during that time when he’s always been there for me. But I understood why these two kept it to themselves. Frankly, it wasn’t my business.”

Eddie shakes his head, tapping his fingers hard against the table and chewing his lip. “This isn’t the same. It’s not the _same--”_

Buck takes his hand, curling his fingers around Eddie’s right there in front of two of their closest friends. Buck turns Eddie bodily until he’s facing him. “No, you’re right. It’s not the same. Because this--what you’re parents are doing--is something you _never_ should’ve been put through.”

“All they’re doing is making it worse for people who do need help to come forward,” Hen mutters, shaking her head.

“Makes it easier for abusers to hide behind the law,” Chimney clicks his tongue, but then his face scrunches and it’s a shock because Chimney rarely gets full-on angry. “It’s like if--god forbid--Maddie and Doug had had kids and Doug tried to accuse _Maddie_ of abuse to get full custody. It’s fucking insane.”

“It actually happens more often than we realize,” Buck mumbles to himself. “I was reading up on it online and it’s a common tactic parents use against another parent. Alienating the parent from their kids and using the legal system to do it.”

Eddie’s breath halts. Of course Buck had been researching--it’s Buck for Christ’s sake--and yet, Eddie couldn’t stop the unbelievable guilt that washed over him. Here he was dragging his friends and family into this cluster-fuck mess. Dragging Buck into it after he’d just went through a whole hell of a custody battle with his parents not even a couple of weeks ago. 

“It’s exactly what Eva tried to do to me and Karen,” Hen says. “Only that time, I did cheat on Karen. I can’t imagine what I would feel had she tried to accuse me of something I didn’t do. All I know is that I would’ve needed my friends on my side.”

Eddie feels his eyes watering. He purses his lips, turning away from them. “But what if I really--”

“If I thought for even a damn second that you were really hurting that child, you best believe I would’ve called CPS on your ass in a second,” Hen states, her voice calm and clear. She turns to Chim and Buck. “Any one of these fools would’ve done it too. Don’t think for a second this is some blind loyalty, us being here for you, cause it’s not. We’re on your side because we’ve seen the proof. We’re on your side because we’ve all spent time with Christopher, and we’re trained responders. You think we wouldn’t notice signs of abuse? Hell no.”

Buck adds, “Carla is also a mandatory reporter. If she had noticed anything, she would’ve reported it too.”

Hen throws her hand out as if to say _there you go._

Eddie sits there quietly, the ire slowly draining out of him. He leans forward, his elbows hitting the table as he buries his hands in his face and groans.

In an instant, his friends are up and surrounding him. Buck has his arms across Eddie’s waist and Hen has thrown her arm around Eddie’s shoulder, Chim right beside her with his hand on Eddie’s back, rubbing up and down in soothing circles. 

He almost lets the thought slip: that he doesn’t deserve to have these people in his life, here supporting him because they think _he_ deserves it. That think that Eddie has more than proven himself worthy of their friendship, of their loyalty. 

He hoped one day he could just let himself be open to this, to the fact that other people loved him without condition.

*

Later that evening, with only about half an hour left on their shift, no one was expecting many more calls. Bobby calls Eddie into his office before they have a chance to scamper off and change to head home. It’s the last thing Eddie wants to do right now. Really, he wants to go jump off a bridge, but he knew several people who would be angry at him if he did that--including himself.

So he follows Bobby into his office, pretending he doesn’t see the way Buck backtracks from the locker room, moving towards the stairs in tip-toed strides like he was trying to be inconspicuous. If Eddie could feel Buck’s eyes tracking the two of them, then he’s sure Bobby’s aware too.

Bobby shuts the door to his office and Eddie stands at attention. The captain regards him with a leveling look.

“At ease,” Bobby says with a light air about it, but it still makes Eddie wince. No matter how hard Bobby tried to make it seem like he wasn’t just their captain, but also their friend, Eddie just couldn’t let it go. It was ingrained into his system, this was the only way to respect those who ranked above you. Even if he hadn’t gone into the military, that’s what his father taught him. You speak only when spoken to. Don’t let your face give away anything you’re feeling--anything, even a single twitch of an eye would give you away. He didn’t need to be in the army to learn these things. It’s why he was the perfect soldier. Before he enlisted, Eddie had already been perfectly trained to be the emotionless machine the Army craved.

Eddie sits where he’s directed to sit. He relaxes out of his rigid stance but he doesn’t completely let himself _relax._ That just wasn’t a past time Eddie had ever had the luxury of having.

“How are you doing?” Bobby asks.

“I’m at the point where ‘how are you doing’ is the single most annoying question in the world, but other than that.” Eddie shrugs, then bites his tongue. He didn’t know where the sudden stupidity was coming from but his loose lips had been getting him in trouble all day. The world felt off-kilter. There’s never been a time where Eddie Diaz couldn’t control what came out of his mouth, and yet today was happening. He wanted it to be over already.

Bobby doesn’t say anything about the attitude in his voice, if anything the purse of his lips and the nod of his head says he understands completely. Perhaps he does know. Eddie knew, minimally, about what had happened to Cap in the past, with his family. He didn’t like to dwell on it too often, the thought of being responsible for the death of his wife and child hitting a little too close to home for Eddie.

“Okay,” Bobby says amicably with a nod of his head. “Then I won’t ask you that anymore.”

It’s not much, but Eddie appreciates it. It’s always been one of the things Eddie liked most about Bobby--he didn’t beat around the bush, he didn’t sugar coat. He got to the point from the very beginning. No long explanations, no excuses. Short and concise. 

“Have you had a chance to visit Christopher yet?” Bobby asks. And there it was. 

Eddie takes a deep breath. “No. I have a supervised visit this weekend.” 

“Family member?”

Eddie grinds his teeth yet again, knowing that when all of this was over (if it ever was completely over) he was going to need a serious visit to the dentist. 

“No,” Eddie nearly growls before reining it in. In a steel voice, he continues, “A stranger.” He has to have a _stranger_ watch his interactions with Chris. They’re the ones who get to decide if Eddie gets to keep his son or not. How the fuck was a stranger supposed to know anything at all about Eddie and his son?

Bobby nods once. “I know this is probably the last thing you want to hear from anybody, but I still feel like it’s important to say, especially now. You are not alone in this. All of us here in the 118, and even beyond, have your back. 

_I don’t deserve it._

_Shut up, you do deserve it,_ a voice in his head that sounds especially like Buck argues back immediately. 

Eddie looks Cap in the eye, sees the earnestness and nods, accepting it. “Thank you.”

“I know right now it seems like the easiest thing in the world to blame yourself for everything,” Bobby starts again. “I did it for years. Still do it. I took it all on myself.” Bobby’s mouth wobbles a bit, the first crack Eddie had ever witnessed for himself in his Captain, despite knowing the stories. “I didn’t want anyone to help me because I felt like I wasn’t worthy of it.”

_Are people like us ever worthy of forgiveness?_

“I’m not saying that finding Athena fixed everything for me, or even took away any of the guilt but…” Bobby bobs his head, sniffing once. “But it helped. To have someone who was willing to shoulder it with me.”

Bobby quirks his head as if he suddenly remembered something by his own words. “You know, I said something similar to Buck once.”

Eddie looks up sharply as Bobby continues. “He was having a hard time in his relationship with Abby, even before she left--” Bobby gives Eddie a look to just let him continue despite how Eddie’s face had darkened considerably at the mention of _Abby_ \-- “I don’t know how much you know about Abby, but I think a lot of the reason Buck latched onto you so quickly was because you reminded him of her.”

“Excuse me?” Eddie snaps, offense pouring from his lips. “Why are you comparing me to that woman who just _left_ Buck behind like he was nothing--”

“That’s not what I’m trying to say. Would you listen to me please?” Bobby says with a steady voice. 

“Buck…You didn’t know the person he used to be, Buck 1.0.”

“I’ve heard the stories,” Eddie grumbles.

“Yes, but you didn’t know him,” Bobby says. “You saw it a bit your first couple of days, the way he peacocked around like he owned the place.” Eddie snorts in amusement, remembering those early days when he thought Buck might actually be a problem for him. He thinks about how far they’ve come, how much Buck has come to mean to him. There’s no way he could’ve predicted it that first day, when he was trying to show off on the punching bag, and in the field, trying to get Buck to see him, to think he was worthy of being on his team, and all it took was acknowledging that he and Buck were one and the same. Desperately looking for someone to see them as they are and think it’s enough. 

“Abby was the first person who took him seriously. Or at least the first person who made him believe she did. But she wasn’t perfect, despite what he believed. She had a lot of problems, a lot of responsibilities. She had a dying mother that she was taking care of, she didn’t always have time to spend with him. Stood him up a lot.”

The hot air balloon. Hen had told him after the hot air balloon rescue that Buck once asked for a shift off because he’d arranged to take Abby on a date in a hot air balloon. Hen didn’t exactly say that he got stood up, but she told him that he showed up for work not an hour after the date was supposed to start.

Eddie still doesn’t understand why he’s hearing about this. He knew Buck had been in love with Abby, he saw the ghost of it when the woman waltzed out of a train crash and slammed right back in to fuck up Buck’s life even more. 

“Buck wanted to break up with her.”

“ _What?_ ” That was news to Eddie. He’s never heard anything about Buck and Abby that ever gave any indication that _Buck_ was unhappy with their relationship. The narrative was always that Abby ghosted him and broke his heart.

Bobby nodded. “He thought their relationship was too much to handle. Didn’t know if he could handle how much of her time was consumed by her mother.”

Eddie furrows his brows. Did Buck feel that way about him and Christopher? Did he think being with them was too much to handle? He’s never once indicated as such, but was that what Bobby was trying to tell him?

“Sometimes I wonder if I should have just let him break up with her when he wanted to,” Bobby muses. “But instead I told him that instead of trying to pull her out of her trap with her mother, maybe he should step in with her, keep her company.”

That’s what he did, Eddie supplies. He knows it without having to be told. That Buck gave his all to Abby, supported her from the sidelines, never once asking for anything in return. 

Eddie knows because that’s exactly what Buck did with him and Christopher. He saw Eddie drowning, pulling Christopher down with him, and he didn’t just throw him a life raft, he brought them a whole boat.

And what did Eddie do in return? Call him exhausting? Nearly die on him more than once? 

As hard as it was for Eddie to accept help, he just accepted Buck’s without a second thought. So easily, because it never felt like Buck was trying to tell him what to do, or how to parent Christopher. If anything, sometimes Buck sometimes walked on eggshells, always checking over his shoulder at Eddie to make sure whatever he did or said around Christopher was approved by him. For once, Eddie was the source of authority over his son. He was the one people turned to, not his mom or his dad or Shannon. When it came to Eddie and Shannon, sometimes it felt like they were _competing_ for Christopher. In the beginning, it was Eddie, clawing and begging for Christopher not to cry when he held him, wishing that he could soothe his son, that he could be acknowledged as his father. And then when Shannon came back, it was her who was fighting to prove to them that she could be his mother. Never once did it feel like they were equals, like Christopher was 50% his and 50% hers. First Eddie felt like the intruder, a stranger trying to re-insert himself into a family that existed just fine without him, and then Shannon was the deserter, the one who broke their trust, and tried to fit herself back into a family that moved on without her. 

Eddie never ever felt like he was someone’s equal, someone’s partner. He never felt like he could share the responsibilities of providing for his son and being _there_ for him. He spent too much time trying to prove himself to let anyone else in.

And Buck had just slid on in, made himself comfortable and Eddie _let_ him. Not because he felt like he had to accept Buck’s help, like his mom and dad, or because he owed it to him like with Shannon. Eddie let Buck in because he _wanted_ to let Buck in.

“That’s why when Buck told me he was going to try and get guardianship custody of Christopher over your parents, I told him not to.”

Eddie’s eyes shoot up to his hair and he nearly chokes on his own saliva. “You _what?”_

“I knew how much you and Christopher meant to him,” Bobby continues. “But I also knew how much Abby meant to him, and I knew the lengths he would go to. Buck’s not a half-ass kind of man, and I was worried that he was only doing this because of some backwards loyalty logic. I knew he was your best friend, and loved Christopher like a son but I didn’t want to see him get hurt again, and more than that I didn’t want him to cross that line if it was a line you didn’t want crossed.”

“You don’t know what lines I do and don’t want to cross with him,” Eddie mutters darkly.

“So you’re aware that he filed the guardianship appeal under the guise that he was your long time romantic partner and a live-in co-parent to Christopher?”

_No..._ Eddie sits there in silence, letting the words wash over him. No, he really did _not_ know that Buck had done that. 

“It’s not my place to tell you what Buck is feeling,” Bobby says. “Lord knows that I’ve let him down so many times. I just didn’t want this to be another time when I led him astray.”

Eddie sits there, stunned, too overcome to move.

“This is not to say you owe him anything--”

_I owe him so much._

“--because you don’t. You’ve given him everything Abby, or Ali, or whoever he was with in the past couldn’t.”

_Oh yeah? Like what?_

“--You’ve given him a partner. An equal. Someone who has his back just as much as he has yours. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. You make him feel…” Bobby stammers, like he’s trying to remember something else. “You make him feel included. You make him feel capable. When you make fun of him, it makes him smile. You shared your most precious person with him, made him feel worthy of being someone’s father. I don’t think you understand how much that means to him. I know it’s easier to document the things he’s done for you and Christopher, but I think you severely underestimate how much you give him in return. You gave him something real.”

_Something real,_ it echoes in Eddie’s head. _Something real._ What he and Buck had--what he and Buck and Christopher had...was real. 

“Anyway,” Bobby clears his throat. “I didn’t mean to turn this talk into a speech about you and Buck but I just wanted--” Bobby tilts his head. “-- _needed_ you to know that we’re all here. We’re all ready to jump in with you, no one more so than Buck.”

Eddie nods, not really paying attention to Bobby anymore but the man seems satisfied. He dismisses Eddie and asks if he could close the door to his office on his way out.

Eddie nearly runs head first into Buck when he turns into the kitchen.

“Hey!” Buck bounds forward, and Eddie gazes up into his face like he’s in a trance.

He wants to ask Buck about it. Wants to ask, _do you want me as much as I want you?_

“Did Bobby say something about Chris? Did his interview with CPS go well?”

Cold water pours over Eddie, quite effectively shocking him out of his pining daze.

“Um, yeah,” Eddie clears his throat. “He said it went fine.”

“Oh good,” Eddie can physically see the relief wash over Buck. “I was worried for a second there.”

Of course he was. And now wasn’t the time for Eddie to go spilling his guts all over Buck no matter how much he couldn’t get himself to shut up all day long. There was too much happening right now to throw this, _them,_ into the mix. It would just be too much. Eddie couldn’t handle much more. If he told Buck...no matter what the reaction, worst or best case scenario, it was too much for right now.

Eddie slaps Buck’s shoulder and the taller man practically melts under his touch, folding into Eddie’s side as they walk out of the station, Eddie without even bothering to change.

Why would he want to mess this up?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same trigger warnings as last chapter:  
> -false accusations of physical abuse by Eddie towards Chris  
> -parental alienation
> 
> for this chapter:  
> -eddie begins to feel the impact of these allegations on his psyche/wondering if he is a violent person with the potential to hurt christopher for real (please keep in mind this is Eddie at a low point, he would never ever ever ever actually hurt christopher or buck)  
> -discussions of anger/rage/pain and it's origins in Eddie  
> -discussions of impact of general false accusations/abuse of court & legal system  
> -CPS investigations  
> -vomit mention early on in chapter


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw's in endnotes
> 
> -This chapter is one hell of an emotional rollercoaster but I think there are some satisfying surprises throughout :)
> 
> Also thank you so much to @zeethebooknerd on tumblr/ tkreyesevandiaz on ao3 for your AMAZING critique and support of the final product of this chapter and this story overall

Eddie tries to remember what he was instructed as he approaches the childcare center. 

_Don’t mention the court case or the allegations against you. Don’t say anything about Christopher’s grandparents. Don’t ask any leading questions._

Eddie can do that, he’s not worried about himself not bringing up those topics. But he knows Christopher, he knows he’s a perceptive kid that picks up on everything that goes on around him. He knows Christopher is going to be curious, maybe even sad. He doesn’t know what CPS asked him--he knows it was recorded for the judge and that he would see it once CPS released it. Once he was allowed to see he didn’t even know if he wanted to--or could stomach it.

The building is surrounded by trees, and there’s two parking lots. Eddie was instructed to park in the front parking lot, and once he checked in, he’d be taken back to the playroom where Christopher and the supervisor would be waiting.

He’s dressed a bit too formally, but he didn’t know what was the best to do for this. He had to make a good impression on the supervisor, but he also wanted to be able to play with Christopher without fear of the clothes getting in his way. Eddie meets the supervisor first outside of the room.

“Mr. Diaz?”

“Yes, Eddie. Please,” he tells her, giving her what he hopes is a pleasant smile and sticking his hand out to shake hers.

“I’m Lilian,” she smiles pleasantly and the knot in Eddie’s stomach loosens just the slightest. “It’s very nice to meet you, Eddie. I’ve had the pleasure of meeting Christopher already and I must say he’s a lovely boy.”

Eddie can’t help but smile at that. “He’s the best.”

She motions to the room. “Shall we go in? He was very excited that you were coming. I’m sure you’re missing him a lot.”

Eddie’s brow furrows. He didn’t understand why this lady was being so nice to him. Wasn’t she supposed to be figuring out if Eddie was a child abuser or not? 

She opens the door. “Christopher? Look who’s here!”

Eddie walks in and takes in the sight of Christopher sitting at a children’s table in the middle of the room. There’s a bunch of toys around him, doll houses and toy cars and action figures, but he’s not playing with any of them. Instead he’s drawing on a piece of paper, a handful of crayons spread out around him.

It’s the first time he’s seen his boy in almost two weeks and Eddie could cry.

He comes forward, hugging Christopher around the waist. His son returns the hug minimally, and it’s then that Eddie starts to get worried. His boy has never been anything other than enthusiastic upon seeing him. Every time Eddie came home from work, he was used to being bulldozed over, head meeting stomach, with the force of Christopher’s hugs and cheers. And when Eddie had woken up from his coma, that was the same reception he’d gotten. Nothing but hugs and kisses and crying and love.

But this…?

Christopher can barely look him in the eye. He says a quiet, “Hi, Dad” and then goes back to drawing like Eddie wasn’t even there.

He’s thrown back to the days in El Paso and he hears his mother’s voice ringing in his ears. _You’re a stranger to him, Eddie._

It stings. Badly. But Eddie has to push forward past that, so he leans forward with a smile on his face and says. “What are you drawing?”

Christopher looks up and then away again. His voice is mostly subdued when he points out a big golden square and two men standing in front of it with a larger looking animal shape next to them. “This is Tulio and Miguel in El Dorado. This is the gold statue and that’s Altivo.”

 _The Road to El Dorado,_ Eddie recognizes. The movie that the three of them had been watching the last day they had seen each other

“It was such a good movie wasn’t it?” Eddie asked. “Buck had a good recommendation.”

Christopher nods. “Abuela got me the VHS so I watched it a couple times at her house.”

Eddie knows what that’s code for. Christopher must’ve watched it at least several dozen times. He almost pitied his abuela, but then again there was nothing Eddie wouldn’t do to be at home with his son watching _The Road to El Dorado_ for the fiftieth time in a row.

Eddie pats Christopher’s hair and smiles. 

Christopher shies away from his touch. 

It burns, the rejection. Christopher looks...mad at him. He doesn’t want to talk to him, or look at him. Eddie doesn’t know what to do. He glances back at Lilian who was just sitting there watching them. Did she...did she think this meant that he hurt Christopher? Christopher had never acted this way before, not since he was a baby and didn’t know any better. Sure, Christopher had had tantrums before, every kid did, but never once had he given Eddie the cold shoulder like this. 

“Christopher,” Eddie says softly. “Buddy, is everything okay? You seem upset. Ms. Lilian said you seemed excited before.”

“I was,” Christopher mumbles. “But now I’m not.”

Eddie tries not to let the words eat away at his soul. “What do you mean? Why are you not excited anymore?”

“Because.” Christopher turns his body away and Eddie _knows_ that move. That’s the same move Eddie pulls whenever things get too much for him, when he’s feeling too much and he just can’t handle letting other people see it. 

Eddie leans forward, not even caring that there’s a stranger watching them and evaluating if Eddie deserves to be Christopher’s father.

“Hey, Christopher,” Eddie says with a soft but firm tone, taking his son’s hand. “If you’re feeling upset, you can talk to me. You don’t ever have to hide your feelings from me. If you feel sad or--or angry or upset, we talk about it. Remember? I’m your daddy, okay? You don’t have to worry about hurting my feelings because there’s nothing you could say or do that would make me stop loving you.”

Christopher turned towards him a bit, his face turned down. His eyes flicker up towards Lilian, a worried look on his face. 

Wait…is he...afraid of saying something in front of the supervisor? 

“Christopher...” Eddie starts and Christopher must hear the understanding in his voice because he bursts into tears. 

Eddie leaps forward, wrapping his arms around his shoulders. 

“I don’t want you to leave!” Christopher wails, and Eddie sits there stunned. “S-She said we only get t-two hours and then you have to go. I don’t want you to go!”

Eddie turns his head, sucking his bottom lip into his mouth, taking a deep breath to stop the tears that spring to his eyes.

“Christopher, hey, buddy, it’s okay,” Eddie whispers, running a hand down Christopher’s back since he knows that always relaxes his son. “I’ve got you okay? I’m not leaving.”

“You lied!” Christopher cries, his arms around Eddie’s waist tugging sharper. “You said you wouldn’t leave again. You said we c-could go home and then--”

And then he didn’t see Eddie for nearly two weeks. Right after spending two months away from Eddie while he was in a coma.

“I’m so sorry, Christopher,” Eddie kisses the side of his son’s head. “I’m so sorry. But this is only temporary, okay? It’s not forever. Only a little while.”

Christopher is still crying hard, but he manages to huff out, “H-How long?”

Eddie can’t answer that question. “I don’t know.”

That makes Christopher dissolve into more tears. Eddie tugs him closer. “Listen, Christopher,” he urges gently for him to look up, but instead Christopher crawls into Eddie’s lap and Eddie does nothing to stop him. He tucks Christopher’s curls under his chin. “Listen, mijo, shhh. I told you before, right? That I would always fight to come home to you, right?”

Christopher hiccups, trying his best to catch his breath and Eddie rubs his back through it. 

“U-uh-huh,” Christopher huffs out.

Eddie buries his face in Christopher’s hair. “Sometimes that takes time. I don’t know how much time, but no matter how much it takes, I will do everything I can to see you, okay? We’ll have more supervised visits with Ms. Lilian.”

He looks over at the woman, acknowledging her presence for the first time in a minute. She regards him with a contemplative face, but Eddie turns back to his son.

“I’ll see if I can bring Buck along too. Would you like that?”

Christopher hiccups again. “Y-Yeah. I m-miss him.”

“He misses you too,” Eddie replies. “He loves you. And I love you too okay? I love you more than anything in the world. So even if we have to be apart for a little while right now, just know I am always coming back. Always. That is a promise.”

Christopher seems to have calmed down a bit, his hiccups reducing into short intervals.

“Did you miss me?” Christopher asks in a tiny voice. Eddie clutches him closer. 

“All the time, Christopher,” Eddie says. “All the time. Every single second.”

It satisfies Christopher enough.

“Come on,” Eddie urges him up. “Let’s get you some water, okay? And then I saw some toy fire trucks over there. Do you want to play with those?”

Christopher nods and the two of them walk over to the water fountain situated in the room. While Christopher is drinking, he looks behind him and sees Lilian scribbling away furiously in her notebook.

He doesn’t know if this whole thing hurt his chances or helped him, but he finds that as long as he made Christopher feel better then he doesn’t care what this woman thinks.

Christopher picks his head up and the two of them go over to the fire trucks. He seems to be in better spirits and for that Eddie is grateful. The cheerful little boy was back, telling him about what he learned in school recently, and about his new favorite game to play on the playground. Eddie listens to all of it and enjoys every single second of it, Christopher plastered to his side, leaning against him, holding his hand. 

It didn’t matter what his parents said, or what the fucking courts thought. The truth existed between him and Christopher, and regardless of what happened in court, they knew they loved each other, and that was all Eddie could ask for.

*

“What are we doing here, Buck?” Eddie asks, hands on his hips as the two of them stand in the parking lot next to Buck’s jeep.

“We’re gonna fight!” Buck chirps, skipping forward just slightly. “You’ve been on edge--” he throws his arms up-- _“justifiably,_ and I think it’s time we find you some way to let out the pent up anxiety.”

Eddie follows Buck reluctantly as the taller man walks towards the entrance.

“So you thought it was a good idea to bring me to a boxing gym?” Eddie throws a hand up towards the building. “Isn’t this exactly what got me in trouble with the street-fighting in the first place? Making me fight as an ‘outlet’?” 

It was the stupidest thing ever when Eddie thought about it. He never should’ve gone to the fighting ring with Lena. It wasn’t her fault, she didn’t know Eddie would go and lose his goddamn mind. But he did, he decided to take it a step too far, and he hurt people. That’s on him. It’s no one’s fault but his. Not Shannon’s, not Buck’s and not Lena’s.

The thought of punching anything made Eddie want to shrivel into a ball and die. He hadn’t touched the punching bag in the station gym in months. He knew it didn’t make sense, but somewhere in his brain, he felt like if he even took a step towards the punching bag, put his hand up towards anyone--hell, if he so much as curled his hands into a fist, that a CPS social worker would come around the corner and see him and say that it was enough to take his son away from him.

Boxing, MMA fighting in general, had always been an outlet Eddie used to calm his head. He was able to channel his anxiety there, channel his pain. It was his exercise of choice, it helped distract him in the Army when all he could think about was sand and Christopher and blood and death and Shannon and guns and survival. Taking it out on the bag, feeling each hit down to his chest, it reminded Eddie that he was alive. Flesh and blood, and that he had something to fight for. It reminded him that he was physical, even if sometimes he felt completely disconnected from his body, and that the only way he could exist in this world is if he kept his body alive and fighting.

And then, like an idiot, he went and ruined the one hobby he had. Turned it into a violent act, instead of cathartic. He took his favorite past time, the one thing he found fun outside of spending time with Christopher and Buck, and made it so that even the thought of sparring made him break out in a cold sweat.

His body moved on autopilot, following Buck as he checked the both of them in.

“This is a controlled environment,” Buck says, latching onto his elbow and pulling him along gently, just firmly enough that Eddie moves forward, but loose enough that if Eddie wanted to dig his heels in and refuse, he had the freedom to do so. “I reserved it privately for an hour. I’ll be here the whole time.”

Eddie snorts a laugh, the first he’d done in some days. “What’s with you and thinking you have any influence whatsoever over me?”

Buck smirks back, picking up the playful tone, easing the tension in Eddie’s shoulders. “You severely underestimate me, man. I think I could talk you in and out of a lot of things.”

Then Buck has the audacity to roll his tongue between his teeth and _wink_ at Eddie.

Fuck. Okay. Okay _okay_ okay, Eddie was fine. That wink didn’t just send a bolt of lust through his entire body and nearly knock him to his knees. Mother _fuck._ Nope. He’s completely unaffected. 

Buck makes his way around the gym like he’s come here before, and maybe he has, just never with Eddie. Eddie constantly has to remind himself that Buck _does_ have a life outside of him and Christopher. He couldn’t be selfish with Buck’s time. He was just happy to have his attention when he did.

Buck throws him the gloves he knows Eddie uses the most. 

“Did you steal these from my duffel?” Eddie raises an eyebrow. Buck’s impish giggle is a pleasant surprise.

“Does it matter, Diaz?” Buck narrows his eyes. “I just wanted to make sure we were on even footing.”

This time Eddie really does have to laugh. “You think _I_ have to get on _your_ level? Are you kidding?”

“Hey, I went through SEAL training--” he shrugs, “Or at least a couple of months worth. I still know how to kick someone’s ass.”

“Training ain’t the same as living it.”

“Then let's see you put your money where your mouth is.”

_I want my mouth on you._

Jesus _Christ,_ he needs a cold shower and he hasn’t even stepped a foot in the ring.

But then he’s standing in front of the ring, and he can’t do it. He can’t get in, or face Buck like he was his opponent. The two in the same sentence didn’t sit right with him. None of this sat right with him. His hands felt like two cinder blocks, hanging by his side and weighing him down. He could feel the ache in his lower back, and he almost whimpers. 

Buck steps in front of him, any flirtatiousness or bravado gone as he takes in Eddie’s face. “Hey. Hey, Eddie, listen to me. We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. I just--” Buck swallows, and his fingers are caressing Eddie’s throat, and it feels so nice, the touch so soft and Eddie craves it like air, craves the softness. All he’s ever felt for as long as he’s been alive is that he had to be strong. He had to be an immovable hard object. He didn’t want to be that anymore. He wanted to be soft, and he wanted Buck to treat him like so. He wanted Buck to caress his face, stroke his skin, count his pulse like Eddie was something precious. 

“I just want to help you get out of your head,” Buck finishes, eyes searching Eddie’s. “Everything that’s happening right now. I just--I don’t want to make this about me--”

“You’re not.” Eddie says instantly, and he knows by the sharp look in Buck’s eyes that he understands that Eddie means it. So he nods and continues.

“I just want to do something to help you. I hate seeing you like this. In pain.”

Eddie nearly turns his head away, his natural instinct, hide his face when terrifying emotions flutter in his chest, but Buck keeps Eddie’s face trained on him. Reminding Eddie that he _wants_ to see the emotions, he wants to see them all. He wants to see _Eddie._

“I want to do this for you. And for me too.”

Eddie shakes his head, biting his lip. “I can't Buck, if I lose it...if I hurt you...I'll never forgive myself.”

The fingers Buck has over Eddie’s pulse press a bit harder. “I know you won't hurt me.”

“How do you know?” It was starting to build again, the shame, the terror, the anger. “I lost it last time and kicked a man's nose into his brain for fuck’s sake.”

“I know you won't go there,” Buck says simply, like it was a fact people learn in first grade. Something common knowledge.

“Shut up,” Eddie snaps. Buck wasn’t there. He doesn’t _know_ , because he wasn’t fucking there. He was too caught up in that fucking lawsuit that Eddie hadn't been angry about for months but now this stupid idiot was bringing it back up again and making Eddie upset about it all over again. “You don't know that.”

“I do. “

“Why?” 

“Why what?” Buck asks. Not even the cute confused look that passes over Buck’s face assuages Eddie.

“Why are you so sure I’m not going to fucking beat the shit out of you? Do you not get it? That’s what I was trained to do. That’s why my dad signed me up for Mixed Martial Arts in the first place! I couldn’t be in dance like my sisters, no I had to be a man! Punch away my problems.”

Eddie throws Buck’s hands off him, pacing back and forth now.

“You said it yourself. I was going to swing on you in the grocery story. I don’t let people in, I just throw my fists. So why. the _fuck._ do you think you could stop me now?”

Maybe this is just how he is, Eddie thinks. It’s just ingrained in him. The need to fight. The inability to think if he’s not hurting someone. Maybe violence is just who he is. 

Buck is in his face now, standing tall. He doesn’t touch Eddie but he looks immovable in his stance. It makes Eddie stop where he is.

Buck breathes out through his nose, and then it’s like all the fight has left him. 

“I know because there's no one else in the world I trust more than you. There will never be anyone else I trust more than you.”

And just like that Eddie’s entire facade cracks. 

“So I want you to have this,” Buck brings his hands up to Eddie’s face, hovering just slightly, but never touching. “Just unleash it Eddie. I can take it.” _Take me,_ the ghost of a man Eddie once loved in a dream whispers in Eddie’s ear. “I'm not fragile, I'm not gonna break. I know you never wanted to throw your punches at me but I'm asking you to this time.”

Buck backs away then, gets into the ring and pulls on his boxing pads. He smacks them together in invitation.

Eddie stares up at him, and down at his own hands. Could he trust himself with Buck? Eddie didn’t fucking know the answer to his own question. But Buck trusted him, and Eddie trusted Buck. 

So he bends and slips into the ring.

Buck licks his lips, nodding at Eddie before smacking the pads together again. “You got this, Eddie. I trust you.”

_I trust you, I trust you, I love you, I trust you._

Eddie slides his leg back into a ready stance, and it’s so familiar. Sometimes he forgets that he was out of commission for almost two months. Hadn’t worked out his muscles like this in a while. 

He throws a weak punch into Buck’s mitt, the satisfying sound of a safe smack reverberating in the air. Buck’s responding smile is instant and it’s enough to encourage him to throw another punch into Buck’s other hand.

“Keep going, Eddie." Eddie punches the mats harder. "Harder," Buck orders. "Let go."

Eddie throws a series of punches, a couple doubles, a triple, all of which Buck catches easily in his mitts. Buck’s smile is brighter than any constellation Eddie used to track in the deserts of Afghanistan. Eddie almost gets distracted by it completely, but then Buck swings an arm out and Eddie barely ducks before it hits him right in the face.

Eddie barks out a surprised laugh. Buck throws it right back at him. “Come on, _soldier,_ is that all you got?”

Eddie shakes his head, biting his bottom lip. “Oh you’re on.”

And that’s when the real fight begins. Every swing Eddie throws out, Buck meets, the two of them colliding together like comets, sparks flying everywhere. Eddie throws and Buck dodges. Eddie actually hadn’t expected this out of Buck. He’d never once seen the man on the bag at the station. He knew Buck was strong, knew his muscles weren’t there just for show like those guys down at muscle beach. Eddie thought he had known Buck’s strength, seen it in the way he worked the jaws of life, the way he rappelled down buildings, kicked in doors, carried people to safety like they weighed nothing. He’d imagined it in his mind, in the dreams he dared not share with anyone, the way his arms would hold Eddie’s waist, pin him against the wall or a bed. 

He’d never seen Buck like this. Giving it his all in the ring, giving it all for Eddie. Eddie doesn't pull his punches but they never land anywhere harmful and Buck never backs down.

Eddie throws out a spin-kick and Buck actually manages to counter it, nearly knocking Eddie off balance before he manages to crouch back into his defensive position. This isn’t flying elbows, this isn’t looking for a face to smash, or a kneecap to break. 

"Fuck," Buck grunts when he manages to catch a particularly hard upper-cut. Sweat glistens on his brow and his voice dips as he circles Eddie, beckoning him forward like a siren. Eddie throws his whole body into it, letting himself get lost in the familiar rhythm, the harsh breathing, the way the sweat slips down his head into his eyes and mouth. Buck is panting just as hard as he is. His equal in all things, including in the ring. 

"That's it,” Buck groans out, rough with exertion. Eddie’s punches lose a bit of weight when that sound hits his ears. He shakes his head, trying not to let the sound of Buck’s near _moans_ get to him. “Just like that. Harder. Yeah." 

He can’t do anything else but throw himself harder and faster into his attack, pressing forward with all the strength he has. Within all of it, the static that constantly exists in the back of Eddie’s head starts to fade. Instead it becomes a pleasant hum. It loosens his muscles, fills his chest with an electrifying energy. Warmth pools in his gut.

Buck is looking at Eddie like he wants him. It distracts him long enough for Buck to pull his move, a sly kick towards Eddie’s legs. Eddie almost bites out a laugh--he was the king of surprise leg sweeps and this poor bastard had no idea.

Eddie counters, and Buck, misjudging his weight and Eddie’s, ends up tumbling to the floor. Before Eddie can even let out a grunt of victory, he’s being pulled down to the floor as well, tripped up in the rumble.

They end up on a pile on the ground, Eddie landing right on top of Buck’s chest, his cheek against Buck’s pecs. The larger man bursts out laughing, punctuated wheezes like his body was craving oxygen and laughing was counterproductive, but he just needed to get it out of his system.

It’s only once Eddie manages to pull his head up and pushes himself up so that his arms are on either side of Buck’s shoulders that he realizes he’s lying right in between Buck’s spread legs. 

Eddie isn’t even given a chance to be embarrassed or to pull away when Buck says, "There it is." He’s panting happily, smiling. "I'm proud of you."

"Proud of me for what?"

Buck just looks...serene. Spent. His skin glowing, the pink of his birthmark sticking out against his skin. It reminds him of the flowers Sophia used to draw over the i’s instead of dotting them in school before she filled them in with pink highlighter.

"Letting go,” Buck says, his hand sliding up Eddie’s arm, resting right over his tattoo. He strokes it softly. There’s something in his eyes. A low burning desire, that Eddie recognizes. “...letting me see you let go."

If Eddie could, he would show Buck everything. He’d take off all his masks, step out of all his uniforms, out of his body, and let Buck just rest his eyes upon Eddie. His essence. 

"I want you to see all of me,” the honesty pours out of Eddie. He’s tired of hiding himself from Buck. It was pointless. Buck saw through all of it. “I just don't know who all of me is."

Buck laughs, the hand on Eddie’s tattoo coming up to frame his chin. And, oh, does Eddie press into it like a cat. Buck bites his lip. "I do. I told you you wouldn't hurt me."

_Yeah that's cause I wanted to fuck you._

"You got caught up in it once,” Buck’s face turns guilty and Eddie knows immediately he’s thinking again about how he should’ve been there for Eddie, and yes, Eddie can admit it now that a lot of what triggered him to fight in the first place was the thought of him and Christopher losing Buck like they’d lost Shannon. But the two of them had apologized to each other, and since then, they’d worked on it together. They became even more of a family after that. 

“But that wasn't you. You’re not dangerous, or violent, or a threat, not to anyone and _especially_ not to Christopher.” The seriousness in his voice forces Eddie’s eyes open and he hadn’t even realized that they’d slipped closed. “That's never been you. You were in pain and you just needed someone to see that."

_I needed you. You see me._

"You had every opportunity in the world to take it out on me, but you didn't. And I never once felt like you would. Not even in the grocery store."

"Buck..."

"I’ve never seen you be anything but loving and gentle with Christopher. like he's the most precious gift you’ve ever received."

"He is."

"You would sooner die than hurt him." Buck says it like it’s a fact, like he wants Eddie to repeat it until a contradictory thought never stood a chance of crossing his mind again.

"I would," Eddie repeats breathlessly. He would work a thousand jobs, give up his life a hundred times over before he let anything happen to Christopher.

"You're a wonderful dad and an even better person."

"I am--" Eddie chokes on the word. _I am. I'm a good person._

"You are, and I will forever be grateful you let me have you and Christopher in my life.” Buck searches his eyes, smooths the sweaty bangs away from his forehead. “For giving me a family."

The air is silent around the two of them. The hum of the fans in the back, the soft rock music that had been playing over head fades. The shine of dried sweat covers Buck’s face, and Eddie feels Buck’s leg curl over the back of Eddie’s calf. 

_You gave him something real._ Something real, something real, something real.

Buck’s fingers tighten just slightly on Eddie’s chin and it’s the final straw.

Eddie lets himself fall forward at the same time Buck surges up and they meet in the middle, mouths wanting and ready. Buck tastes like salt and sweat, and like the banana muffin Eddie saw him eat on the way over. His free hand slides around Eddie’s waist, clutching him closer to Buck’s body and Eddie shivers. His mouth falls open, letting Buck’s tongue push forward in a wave, peeking in to meet Eddie’s for a teasing moment, before sliding back. A shaky moan escapes from the man underneath him and Eddie draws back only an inch before tilting his head and diving back in, craving to pull every sound, every spine-tingling melody from Buck’s lips. 

Buck’s hand slips from Eddie’s jaw to the back of his head, pulling at the tiny hairs at the back of his neck and _jesus fuck_ if Buck keeps that up--keeps up the lazy but adventurous exploration of Eddie’s body, he’s going to come completely untouched. 

It should be embarrassing, being so affected by a kiss, but Eddie can’t even dwell on it, too intoxicated by the way Buck’s teeth scrape lightly against Eddie’s bottom lip, the way his lips are so soft and feel so good pressed against his. He has no thoughts in his head other than _Buck Buck Buck Buck_ as said amazing kisser detaches and reattaches his mouth from Eddie’s after a couple of seconds. So out of his mind that he misses Eddie’s mouth a couple of times and ends up kissing the side of his chin, and then just goes with it, sliding his mouth down to press open mouthed kisses to his jaw, tongue poking out against Eddie’s stubble. 

It’s so much better than any of the times Eddie kissed Buck in his dreams. The way his lower body rubs against Eddie feels more solid than anything Eddie experienced in his own head. Before had been like trying to make love to a shadow, you could see it, but never really feel it, only what his injured and yearning mind could conjure of what Buck’s touch _might_ feel like.

But this was real, and despite the sparring they’d been doing just moments before, what they were doing now felt nothing like a fight. It felt like a dance, only neither of them were the leader, no one was fighting for dominance or expecting it, instead they just glided forward and fell back when it felt right for each of them.

The only thing that gets them to pull apart is the sound of the bell by the door loudly ringing, signaling someone else just walked in. Their private hour was up. Eddie rolls off Buck, and the two of them sit there, staring at each other like neither could believe that that just happened. 

Eddie’s heart is pounding. He doesn’t want the bubble to burst. He doesn’t want to lose this, or lose Buck. He just needed something, any indication that they were okay and that Eddie hadn’t just imploded his life yet again.

Buck looks like he’s trying equally as hard to play it cool, but then he lets out a bemused chuckle and the tension around them melts away. Buck stands up first, reaching down a hand in offering to pick Eddie up.

Eddie stares up at him, basking in the warmth of Buck’s smile.

For a moment, that had been all he needed. The memory of Buck’s lips, the high that came from the endorphins of boxing, and of making out. It lasted for a few blissful moments and Eddie hadn’t wanted it to ever end.

But as has been the case for the past decade of his life, Christopher was not too far off from his mind. And the little grey monster comes sliding over his shoulders again, whispers _what are you doing here kissing Buck when you should be thinking about how to get your son back?_

He wanted this. He wanted Buck so badly, and to have him like he did just now had brought Eddie over the moon, but now he was falling back down the other side, careening back down to earth.

He thought he’d breached the surface of the water when he woke up from his coma, but the truth of it was that he was still drowning. As long as Christopher wasn’t with him, he always would be.

Buck seems to sense the slight shift in mood, but he doesn’t comment. Instead, he takes Eddie’s hand in his. The beat of his pulse sends a message in Morse code, a vow that there was more of this to come, even if for right now the focus couldn’t be on their relationship.

Eddie is reminded of the last time, in a parallel universe, when Eddie had reached for Buck’s hand above the water. This time he doesn’t drag Buck down under with him. This time, he lets Buck pull him up, standing and looking into Buck’s face.

And he just knows Buck isn’t going anywhere. Buck spent months fighting for Christopher and just because Eddie was awake now didn’t mean he was going to stop. If anything, it meant they would fight harder, _better--_ if the way they’d fought so in sync together in the ring had been any indication.

Buck’s fingers stroke over the pulse in Eddie’s wrist, pulling him alongside him out of the ring and into the locker room, pressing his shoulder to Eddie’s the entire time. 

Eddie lets Buck lead him along, trusting his partner in all things to help him carry the weight. No matter what happened next, they’d take it on together

*

Eddie heads to the family court’s administration office after his last shift. Once he passes the TSA level of security he heads up the stairs to turn in the last of his paperwork he needed to submit for the upcoming court date. He stands in the line, checks his messages, waits patiently despite the long line of people ahead of him who were very obviously equally unhappy to be there.

He wasn’t happy to be here either. It’s the whole reason why he hadn’t wanted to go through with a proper divorce with Shannon after she left the first time. Sure there had also been that tiny hope that someday Shannon would come back, the minuscule flicker of _maybe if I just met her where she was_ that they could resume their relationship, glue their fractured family back together.

He could’ve filed for legal separation. They were well past the necessary time needed to get one. But Eddie didn’t see the point. If he did, then they’d have to divorce (which he hadn’t wanted in the first place) and divorce would mean they would have to discuss custody of Christopher and Eddie knew that never would’ve worked out in either of their favors, but especially not in his.

He knew the odds. Even if the court system had become better when it came to the rights of fathers, he knew the bias was there. It was ingrained into the system, and there was no expunging that bias just by loosening a few laws. 

Family court favored mothers, that was already one strike. At that point in time, Shannon had six years with Christopher over Eddie. There’s no way he would’ve been looked upon favorably. To the courts, it was a simple choice: give primary Christopher to his white, educated mother who was living in Los Angeles, or give Chris to Eddie, his Mexican father with only a high school diploma who’d been deployed in Afghanistan for the majority of his life. Only in a fair world did Eddie stand a chance, and this was not a fair world. 

Either he would’ve had to comply with a custody agreement, would’ve been locked into child support payments he likely would have struggled to keep up with.

Or the opposite would’ve happened. Shannon giving up her rights--giving up Christopher to Eddie completely. 

That option hurt more than any other court ordered co-parenting plan Eddie would’ve had to comply with. The idea that Shannon truly didn’t want anything to do with Eddie or Chris? That she would rather he have complete custody because she never wanted to be a family with them?

Eddie would not have been able to handle that. So he had avoided anything to do with the legal system. They would stay married for the rest of their lives if it meant Christopher still had that last tie to his mom. 

But sometimes, as Eddie was learning, there were always milestones in a person’s life that no matter what choices they made, no matter if they took a few different roads or had a few different experiences, those things would always come to pass.

Even if Shannon had never left, she likely would’ve divorced him. Whether it be 5 years or 15 years down the line, there was no way she would’ve wanted to stay with him and he didn’t blame her. They were never good for each other. That’s as much his fault as it was hers.

Eddie and Shannon always had an expiration date, and it would’ve come to pass whether she died or not. Whether they had more children or not. 

He was too blinded by the pain of it all to notice that it wasn’t just Shannon who didn’t know how to be someone’s wife, Eddie didn’t know how to be a husband either. He didn’t know how to be a partner. He and Shannon didn’t know _how_ to be together. So even though he had loved her for real, what they had was like a house built on sand. The smaller tides came and weakened it, and one large wave obliterated it all together.

Finally, it was his turn and Eddie turned in his papers. It was a rather quick process, Eddie had no need to linger any longer than he needed to. 

He was heading to Buck’s apartment after this. Eddie had been staying there a lot the past couple of days. Staying in his house without Christopher just felt wrong. 

The two of them were taking things slowly. Eddie couldn’t take anything faster at this point. With everything going on, his happiness with Buck felt bittersweet and he hated that. He didn’t want his blooming relationship with Buck to be surrounded by bitter memories of resentment and betrayal towards his parents. He didn’t want to look back on these moments with this mutilated lens, saturated in Eddie’s fear of having Christopher taken away from him.

Buck completely understood where Eddie was coming from, because of course he did. Eddie had managed to share his emotions, his fears and his limitations and Buck had accepted it. Accepted his boundaries, and respected them. 

Eddie didn’t know what he would do if he was forced to go through this without Buck. 

He knows what happened last time, it was the whole damn reason they were in this bus right now. Eddie suddenly and without warning lost the one person he felt comfortable sharing himself with, and Eddie spiraled. Worse than that, he’d almost call that rock bottom, if he hadn't already experienced it.

He spoke about it over and over again with Frank. He’d avoided talking about Buck for most of their sessions, and then one day, Frank managed to crack the door open and once the man was aware of that new layer, their conversations shifted. It was no longer just about Eddie and his traumas surrounding his family and the military and Shannon and Chris. Now it was about how his close friend and one true confidant had inadvertently triggered some of Eddie’s worst traumas, and because he was temporarily out of Eddie’s equation, he had completely fallen apart and found himself bashing people’s faces in. 

It scared the ever loving shit out of Eddie because Buck was right. He _did_ have an influence over Eddie. A monumental influence. He hadn’t realized how much he had come to rely on Buck, how much he trusted him, not just with Chris but with every little monster Eddie kept locked away in the Pandora’s box he called his head. 

Now Eddie was aware of it. He was aware, and Buck was aware of how much impact he had on Eddie. It was an insane amount of power to have, and the truly shocking part of it was that Eddie didn’t mind. After Buck’s lawsuit, Eddie briefly wondered if his trust in Buck had weakened but the opposite was true. If anything, he trusted Buck more than he did before. Because although Buck fucked up severely, it was how he handled it afterwards that sealed the deal in Eddie’s mind. 

After that, Buck was more devoted to Eddie and Christopher than ever. At first, Eddie thought it might’ve been because Buck was trying to make it up to them, but over time after any tension that remained faded away, there was no need to suck up. There was no need for Buck to remain at the same level of intensity as he was. Eddie saw the same thing with Shannon, the over-correcting of past mistakes by trying to kiss up and play family again. He worried for a moment that that was what Buck was doing. 

But the other shoe never dropped. All that happened was that they continued to grow together. Buck started participating in Christopher’s school events, Eddie started asking Buck his opinion on specific medicines and treatments for Christopher. Buck told him more about his life during the SEALs, even a bit earlier too. Eddie started relaying parts of his sessions with Frank to Buck. 

Somehow, through Buck and their family they’d built with Christopher, Eddie learned how to be a partner. They weren’t married, or forced together by obligations. No pregnancy to worry about, he didn’t have to worry about providing for Buck. It took Eddie a _long_ time to allow Buck to use his own money to buy groceries for Eddie’s house, or put gas in Eddie’s truck when Buck borrowed it to pick Christopher up from a doctor’s appointment. Before Eddie hated celebrating his birthday, he hated receiving gifts, especially anything expensive. It always felt conditional, like now he was obligated to get just as expensive a gift back. His favorite gifts were Christopher drawings and cards. He kept all of them in a photo book he kept in the top drawer of his bedside table. But gifts from Buck never felt like that; maybe because they came so often and never wrapped in a box of expectations. 

And even though Buck gave so much, Eddie knew what it was that Buck wanted in return. It wasn’t to be provided for, or anything tangible in return. Buck just wanted to feel included, he wanted to be someone’s person, someone somebody cared for. Someone somebody wanted. Buck wanted a partner, and Eddie was finally in a place where he could be that.

Soon, they would have their boy back, and all would be right with the world.

That was what Eddie had to hold onto. The knowledge that this wouldn’t last forever. He would get his son back. This wasn’t a nightmare, it was real life, but just like a dream he would eventually wake up and this would end.

Eddie turns the corner of the hallway, heading towards the stairs. The elevator doors ping open.

And once again Eddie is a thirteen year old boy, standing in front of his parents, wondering why he couldn’t be enough for them.

“Mom,” Eddie croaks, frozen in place. The hallway is otherwise deserted. “Dad.”

The two of them stand a united front before him. It reminded him of how when he’d get in trouble with his mom when he was a little kid, she would wait until his dad got home from work before bringing him along to his room where he’d stand there, silent and domineering as his mom ripped him a new one. 

“Edmundo,” his dad says in a simple acknowledgment of his existence. Full name, disappointed tone. Man, was this scene familiar. The day he stood in front of his parents and said that not only was Shannon pregnant but he was going into the military to support them.

The three of them stood in the hallway awkwardly, no one offering a reprieve to the silence. Eddie didn’t want to be the one to meet them halfway. Not this time. He was more than ready to just step around them, continuing heading towards the stairs that were just a few feet in front of them. 

“How’s Christopher?” his mom asks.

It takes everything inside Eddie not to let the sharp stab of betrayal force its way up his throat into a yell. _‘How’s Christopher?’_ as if the two of them weren’t forcibly keeping Eddie apart from his son at that very moment. As if they weren’t purposefully trying to destroy the life of their only son. The audacity they had to stand here in front of him and act like it was just any random weekday and they were just casually running into each other at the grocery store and not in the middle of a fucking _court house_ that _they_ made him come to.

They didn’t deserve to know the truth. Why would Eddie tell them? Would they even truly fucking care? Or would they use it as yet another excuse to say Christopher should have stayed with them all along.

He crosses his arms in front of him. “Fine,” he says simply. He wasn’t going to tell him about how Christopher was scared to speak in front of him or the supervisor because he was afraid he’d be taken away from Eddie. He didn’t say that it was their fucking fault that Christopher thinks he’s going to lose his dad. Did they not see what they were doing to Christopher? Eddie didn’t care about himself, but the stress and pain and trauma they were dumping on Christopher because of this? Eddie didn’t know if he could ever forgive them for that. 

“That’s good,” his dad says.

Eddie nods blankly at the two of them. No way was he giving them the satisfaction of a reaction out of him. They wanted him angry so that they could turn around and use it against him? Fuck that. Eddie didn’t owe them jack shit anymore.

He tilts his head, narrowing his eyes as he catches the pinched look on his mom’s face. It was funny how she liked to think she was the master of poker faces, and yet her annoyance showed clear on her face. He pursed his lips, daring her to say another thing to him.

“We visited Christopher the other evening,” his mother starts and _that_ gets Eddie’s attention. “Really, Eddie, he shouldn’t be--”

 _“Don’t--”_ Eddie starts, his face blank but his jaw clenched hard as steel. “--tell me what I should and should not do for my son. You have no right to speak to me about him anymore.”

 _“Edmundo,”_ his father admonishes, puffing his chest out like somehow that was supposed to intimidate Eddie now. Normally, yeah, that posture would’ve thrown Eddie off, but now, he was here a grown ass man, and these people--his own goddamn _parents_ \--were threatening his son. 

“Don’t you speak to us that way,” his mother snaps. “We’re his family and we have just as much right as any--”

Eddie’s heard enough of this. He side-steps them, making way for the stairs. 

“If you want to speak to me, take it up with my lawyer since you were so happy to get them involved in the first place.”

“Eddie,” the shrill of his mom’s voice does get Eddie to pause. His shoulders tense, and he balls his hands into fists before forcing himself to take a deep breath. Slowly, his fists unclench and he turns around.

“What?”

They’re silent again, like they hadn’t expected him to turn around and continue listening to them in the first place. Maybe that’s what he should’ve done. But there was still somewhere inside Eddie, the military man, forever etched into him to respond when your superior officer was speaking to you. 

His mom crosses her arms this time, looking over at his dad. They share a look.

“We just want what’s best for you and for Christopher. We wouldn’t have had to take such drastic measures if that _man_ hadn’t tried to take Christopher. Then you just woke up and let him back near Christopher--”

 _That man?_ They meant--they meant Buck?!

“You did this because of Buck?” Eddie blanches. “I _named him_ as his guardian, mom! I _wanted_ him to have Christopher.”

“It’s not right,” his dad interjects. “He’s not family--”

“He _is_ family! What part of that don’t you understand?”

His mom’s eyes sharpened, and suddenly she draws back like she realized there was no use fighting Eddie over this anymore. “So it’s true. The two of you are...together.” The last word rolls off her tongue with such disgust it nearly burns Eddie’s skin and he takes a step back.

Was this what this was always about? They were upset that Eddie was with a man? Or at least they assumed he and Buck were together?

Because at the time when all of this started, they hadn’t been. Not officially. And yet, Eddie had already taken Buck so far into their lives, to the outside world (especially people who were not privy to their private lives) it looked like they were already together. 

That’s what his parents assumed. They didn’t even _know_ if it was true or not, and they still hated the mere thought of it so much that they didn’t care what consequences he would face from their actions.

Somewhere deep inside him, Eddie always knew his parents wouldn’t approve of him being with a man. For most of his life, Eddie wasn’t even aware he was into men. He had gotten lucky, he was mostly attracted to women throughout most of his life so he could coast by. It was just easier to not focus on it. He had Shannon, so there was no reason to even look at anyone else--man or woman--even though he felt it deep inside. Everything with Adriana went down, when she was kicked out, and he was on her side, but he didn’t come out either. Because for some deluded reason he still craved the approval of his parents. He still wanted them in his life, in Christopher’s life. He thought he could live by Adriana’s example, be bisexual, but settle down in a nice opposite sex marriage, have kids, keep his family. That was what he did, step by step, until it all imploded and Eddie was left broken open. And then he fell in love with a man, for the first time in his entire life, and he didn’t want to hide it anymore. 

Eddie takes another deep breath in, accepting that his parents were never going to change no matter what he did or said to persuade them. Finally he lets that breath out, resolved in that if they didn’t want to accept the repercussions of their actions, then Eddie wasn’t going to continue letting them in.

“Yes,” Eddie says, arms unfolded and voice unwavering. “We’re together. Buck is my partner, and we’ve been raising Christopher together. And I didn’t tell you that at first because I was ashamed.” He lets it sit heavy on his tongue. The truth. “I was ashamed of myself for so many reasons. Mostly for not being the kind of son you wanted me to be, or the kind of father Christopher deserved.”

He shifts his focus from his mom to his dad. “It took me years to realize that all that shame was the reason I felt so angry all the time. I was angry for not living up to expectations, angry that I could never be enough for anybody. I’m still trying to unlearn all that.”

He levels them with a hard stare. “But I will be damned if I let you put my son through the same thing you put me through. That’s why we left in the first place. You’re upset that I love a man? I don’t care. Because Buck loves and respects Christopher and me more than you two ever have.”

His mom sputters and his dad’s face turns a bright shade of red, their mouths falling open to argue.

Eddie throws a hand up between them, effectively silencing them.

“You wanted a legal battle, fine. You got it. But I am not giving up on my son. Neither is Buck. Because _we_ are his parents, not you.”

With that, Eddie turns around and pushes the door to the stairs open. With one final look over at his parents he says, “I’m done letting you make me feel ashamed of being who I am.”

He lets the door slam shut in their faces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same trigger warnings as last chapter:  
> -false accusations of physical abuse by Eddie towards Chris  
> -parental alienation
> 
> for this chapter:  
> -trauma stemming from forced separation  
> -legal system trauma  
> -eddie internalizing "violent nature" (as an unreliable narrator)  
> -HOMOPHOBIA from Eddie's parents


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we are at the final court case! After this is just one more epilogue-style chapter! Thank you all for reading and commenting!
> 
> TW's in end-notes

There’s an unfamiliar weight in Eddie’s bed. He stirs awake, coming to his senses slowly, eyes cracking open only slightly to take in the sunlight. It’s too bright--Eddie’s room isn’t usually this light in the morning. His alarm didn’t go off. This isn’t his bed.

The unfamiliar weight turns out to be his best friend, body curled around Eddie’s, his face buried in Eddie’s shoulder. Eddie looks down, pressing his face into Buck’s unstyled curls. It smells like peaches, and Eddie breathes it in. Buck has his leg thrown over the back of Eddie’s, his hip hiked up so that his inner thigh rests on Eddie’s ass. His tattooed arm is hanging lazily over Eddie’s back. 

Buck was real and Buck was warm. Eddie could smell a bit of morning breath coming from his open mouth pressed against the bare skin of Eddie’s arm.

Why was it the universe always had the shittiest timing? Why couldn’t have nice things without having to have something taken away from him?

He stares at Buck’s face, his eyes crusted together with sleep, red lines crossing the side of his face in diagonal patterns like he’d pressed his face too hard into the pillow when he fell asleep last night.

Eddie had to pee, but he lets the discomfort in his bladder settle because he’d rather it burst than move out from beneath Buck’s warmth. 

Today was the day they’d be heading to court for Christopher. If all went well today, Christopher would be back home with Eddie and Buck where he belonged. Yesterday, most of the boxes from Adriana with Christopher’s stuff arrived. Buck and Eddie spent the whole afternoon setting up his room again.

_Buck picks up Christopher’s Dory stuffed animal and lets out a small private laugh. Eddie looks over at him._

_“Huh,” he says. “I could’ve sworn he took Dory with him to Abuela’s house.”_

_“He has two of them,” Buck tells him. “I got him another one when…”_

_When they were separated. Buck doesn’t finish the sentence and Eddie doesn’t need him to. They’d finished setting up Christopher’s room, and Buck puts Dory back on Christopher’s pillows, back where she belongs._

_Finally, Christopher’s room was back to the way it was before. Eddie looks around the room, settling his eyes on Buck who was sitting on Christopher’s bed, still staring at Dory._

_Eddie regards him silently before moving to sit down next to Buck on Christopher’s bed._

_“You’ve been pretty silent this whole time,” Eddie says. It’s never good when Buck is completely tight-lipped about something, when he zones out and doesn’t snap back until he’s forced to. “Talk to me.”_

_Buck blinks, eyes flicking back and forth between Dory and Eddie. “I just--I wonder, sometimes, if I hadn’t taken your parents to court...if they would’ve just left it alone when you woke up.”_

_Ah, Eddie thinks, the guilt. The self-blaming. He was all too familiar with it. He and Buck were two sides of the same coin and Eddie was beginning to understand that more and more. He may not know all the details of Buck’s past, but he was beginning to realize that it was precisely that past that created the man in front of him. Eddie gets it. Healing wasn’t a linear path, but instead a looping roller-coaster, one moment he would feel good about himself, hopeful for the future, feeling like he was enough, and the next the self-loathing would come back, the soul-fracturing resentment. It was like that for Buck too. So Eddie didn’t try to tell him that it wasn’t his fault, or try to indulge in his what if’s. He had lifetimes of living through his what if’s. This time, he just wants to live in what is._

_Eddie takes Buck’s hand in his, threading their fingers together before pulling their hands up to his cheek. Buck sniffs, blinking at their hands before looking back at Eddie’s face. Eddie smoothed his cheek over their conjoined hands, placing a light kiss against the back of Buck’s hand._

_“You did what you did because you love him.”_ I hope because you love me too, _Eddie thinks_ . _“There’s no changing what’s already come to pass. I can’t go back and stop myself from fighting--” he stops Buck before he has a chance to open his mouth-- “and you can’t go back and stop me either. It happened and we’re dealing with the consequences.”_

_“You don’t deserve to be put through this,” Buck murmurs, his thumb coming out and stroking Eddie’s cheek._

_“There’s a lot I didn’t deserve,” Eddie can admit it now. “There’s a lot you didn’t deserve either. You didn’t deserve the way my parents treated you.”_

_“I was a stranger to them.”_

_“Only because I was too chicken-shit to tell them the truth and lay down the law.”_

_Buck’s breath hitches, his eyes urging Eddie to continue, so he does. “You’re just as much a part of this family as I am. To me and Christopher. You’re ours. Have been for a long time.”_

_He leans forward, pressing his forehead against Buck’s, letting the taller man’s body sag into him. “The only reason I’m getting through this is because you’re here. The only reason I’m even able to set foot in Christopher’s room right now.”_

_Buck sighs against his face. “We’re getting him back.”_

_“We’re getting him back,” Eddie agrees._

_He tilts his chin forward a bit, letting his mouth connect with Buck’s softly. The kiss is chaste, but it seemed to be just what Buck needed as his entire body relaxed and he smiled into the kiss before pulling back._

_He grabs Eddie’s cheeks between his hands. “Together.”_

_“Together. Always.”_

Eddie leans forward and presses small light kisses to Buck’s forehead. They hadn’t gone much past kissing, borderline making out at times. They didn’t want to go too fast, for which Eddie was grateful they were on the same page. 

He feels Buck shift underneath him, the man’s gravelly giggles floating up from his mouth to Eddie’s ears. 

“Good morning,” Buck mumbles, eyes still mostly closed. 

Eddie surges forward, tilting the man’s head back, sliding his mouth against his, morning breath and all. Buck grasps Eddie’s forearms, letting himself be tipped back and kissed within an inch of his life, responding only with the press of his own lips and the content laughter escaping in small bursts.

It’s only when Eddie pulls his lips away with a wet smack that Buck opens his eyes.

His smile is electrifying. “Well good _morning.”_

Eddie snorts a laugh, resisting the urge to pull Buck back in and kiss him again. But then he remembers that he doesn’t have to hold back anymore. They belong to each other now. So he throws his body back over Buck, rolling the two of them back onto Buck’s back. The kiss is wet and slightly dirty and Buck’s hands are on his body and it feels _right._

“Down boy,” Buck chuckles sweetly when they finally manage to come back up for breath. He tucks a hand behind his head, his bicep bulging just from the side of his head.

Eddie shakes his head. That was _completely_ unfair.

“We gotta get ready,” Buck says, his voice serious again. “We slept in.”

It’s a bucket of cold water that makes Eddie want to burrow deeper into Buck’s warmth beneath him. He lets his head drop onto Buck’s chest face down. 

Hands pick up his face until he’s looking Buck in the eye again. “We’re going to get Christopher back. I don’t care what your parents say, or what some judge says. No matter how today goes we won’t stop fighting."

“We’ll never stop.” He smiles to himself at the shift of pronouns. It was no longer “I will fight to come home to my family” but “we’ll never stop fighting to come home to _our_ family”. Eddie knew it for real, he’d always have Buck at his side no matter what the world threw at him.

“Never _ever_ stop,” Buck reaches forward with his pinky finger. 

Eddie seals the promise with their pinkies and a kiss.

*

Eddie hugs Bobby when he sees him. His captain managed to arrange it so that he, Buck, Chimney and Hen all had the day off to attend today. Athena was there as well, sitting beside Bobby. Next to Chimney was Maddie, who’d also requested the day off as well. 

“Christopher is my nephew,” she had told Eddie in the hallway. “Why wouldn’t I show up for my family?” Eddie ends up hugging her too, and he catches the grin on Buck’s face. 

Carla doesn’t let Eddie go for a whole ten minutes. Eddie had met up with her a couple of times, and he knew that she had been checking in on Christopher at abuela’s house this whole time. He really owed her so much.

“We’re getting you your baby back,” she whispers to him in a solid voice. “If I’m right, and I’m _always_ right, you’ll have him back by the end of the day.”

“Thank you, Carla,” somehow her unwavering words made Eddie feel a little bit better.

The trial commences and it’s then that Eddie sees his parents again for the first time since he saw them in the hallway. He doesn’t greet them, doesn’t smile at them, even when they try to do that for him. He knows he should try to put on a civil face, make himself look good in front of the judge, like a cooperative good-natured person, but he just doesn’t have the energy to fake it in front of his parents anymore. 

Eddie sits through and listens as his parents lawyer goes first, laying out all the evidence against him. The first being messages from Don, the owner of the underground fighting ring. He’d contacted Eddie a while back, while he’d been unconscious to ask if he was interested in taking to the ring again. Since his parents were given his phone, they called him and spoke to him for a second before the man realized it wasn’t Eddie and hung up. They were unable to get much out of their conversation with Don but from public records they were able to piece together proof of Eddie’s street-fighting. 

Julianna, in his defense, spoke of the consensual nature of this MMA ring. They were not regulated or registered with the state but they were not illegal in any sense. All fighters who entered were aware of what was happening, they were aware of the lack of regulations. 

She then went on to say that there were plenty of professional Mixed Martial Arts fighters, as well as participants of other wrestling sports, that maintained families of their own with no proven records of physical violence against their spouses or children. There was not enough correlation to state that just because Eddie had participated in the fighting ring, that he was a danger to Christopher or other civilians outside of the sport.

Julianna then presents the CPS report. They’d interviewed everyone, including Christopher’s child psychologist and found that there was no physical or psychological evidence in Christopher that he had been or was currently being physically abused. The investigation came back unfounded of allegations of physical abuse. 

Lilian’s report was also mostly positive. The woman even volunteered to testify with her report on the stand.

“I’ve been a supervisor for parents and children of many ages for almost thirty years now. I’ve seen the damage psychological abuse, physical abuse, gaslighting and manipulation can do to a child’s psyche. I was able to spend enough time around Christopher and Mr. Diaz to see that their relationship is one of mutual trust and respect. Mr. Diaz encourages Christopher to open up about his emotions, about his worries and fears. Christopher has no qualms being physically close to his father nor did he exhibit any signs of being overly passive or afraid of Mr. Diaz or his actions. Christopher was emotional in his supervised encounters, frequently voicing his desire to go home, to be with his father and his father’s partner who Christopher also expressed to me was like a father to him.”

Eddie looks back at Buck who gives him a warm, encouraging smile in return. 

“I’ve also bore witness to supervised visits alongside Mr. Diaz’s grandmother of whom Christopher is currently staying with, as well as Mr. Diaz’s partner. Christopher has a large network of trained professional first responders around him and people who care about him. In my professional opinion, Mr. Diaz is not a physical or emotional threat to his son, nor do I believe he should be given limited access to him. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my decades as a supervisor, it’s that there’s no greater heartbreak for a child than needlessly separating them from a capable parent who loves and cares for them. I recommend reinstatement of full custody.”

Julianna then continues with the reports from Frank as well as the third party psychological evaluator that Eddie had sat down with and done some tests for. They state that although Eddie, like many other adult males in the United States, has trouble with regulating and expressing his emotions, his commitment to therapy for the past couple years has shown consistent improvement in his mental health. He does have issue stemming from childhood trauma and symptoms of PTSD due to being a veteran, but that was unfortunately common in ex-soldiers but does not actually have any correlation to child abuse. 

Julianna is strong in her deliverance of the facts. Eddie has no history of drug or alcohol abuse, and for once the use of his silver star to prove his worth actually _helps._ Eddie’s never liked when people brought up the silver star, but if exploiting it in court like this meant he would get Christopher back then he had no problem at all throwing it out there. 

They break for lunch and Buck is by his side in an instant, holding his hand, pressing his arm into Eddie’s in as much a show of solidarity and support as he can in city hall. His parents pass by them, talking to their lawyer. Eddie stares at them, and they give him a once-over, looking at Buck who presses even closer to him, squeezing his hand. 

After lunch, Carla is called to the stand as is Christopher’s child psychologist, both of whom believe they had never witnessed anything in their interactions nor seen any signs with Christopher or Eddie that lead them to believe Christopher needed to be taken out of Eddie’s care. 

“If anything, Mr. Diaz has been very steadfast in having Christopher at our appointments,” Christopher’s child psychologist, Dr. Kim said. “We first began after the tsunami but have continued with appointments every two months for check-ups. Mr. Diaz was and has always been concerned with Christopher’s mental and emotional health, especially in relation to Christopher’s cerebral palsy.”

“Is it true that you were not aware of Mr. Diaz’s street fighting, correct, Ms. Price?” Helena and Ramon’s lawyer asked.

“That’s correct.”

“And yet surely you saw the battered state in which Mr. Diaz would return home some nights?” she asks. “Bruises and such?”

“Eddie works a very physically demanding job,” Carla says. “Sometimes firefighters sustain bruises.”

“Captain Nash, you were aware of Eddie’s street fighting, correct? It’s why you mandated Mr. Diaz to receive therapy in the first place?”

Bobby’s chin flexes but his voice is firm when he says, “Yes.”

“And yet when you were aware of Mr. Diaz’s street-fighting, you never went as far as to make sure the violence wasn’t happening in his home?”

“Objection, that’s a leading question,” Julianna stands up. 

“I’ll rephrase: after you became aware of Eddie’s street fighting, did you or did you not think to check in to see if this was affecting Mr. Diaz’s home life?”

“I knew that it started because Eddie was having a hard time dealing with the grief of losing his wife. It was a tough period for him, which is why once I noticed and found out what was happening I sent him to therapy. Based on the mandated report from Frank, Eddie was allowed to return to work, and I had no plausible reason to believe his son was being affected.”

“In fact,” Frank starts. “Most of the reason why Eddie continued to come to our sessions was because he believed that by getting better himself, he would be making a positive difference in his son’s life. He saw that his stifling of his emotions in regards to the death of his wife was leading him to make unhealthy decisions when it came to his choice of emotional outlet. We worked on that together and since then I’ve seen nothing but Eddie’s unending determination to _try._ There is nothing more valuable to a child than a parent who _tries.”_

“Are there any additional witnesses you would like to call to the stand?”

“Yes, we would like to call Mr. Diaz’s older sister Adriana Romero to the stand.”

His mom nearly knocks over the glass of water that had been sitting on their desk. His dad gasps and when the papers are passed to their lawyer, the two of them scramble to see what is written on there.

Adriana, in all her glory, comes strutting down the aisle and the look on his parents' faces when they see her almost makes the years of putting up with them worth it.

Adriana, decked out in a dapper suit, her green cropped hair gelled back to rival even Eddie’s best of hair days, takes the stand and Julianna turns to her.

“Mrs. Romero, how would you describe your relationship with Eddie Diaz.”

“He’s my baby brother,” Adriana starts off. “Growing up, we were always close. I’m about six years older than him so I helped my mom take care of him a lot, gave him baths, even wiped his butt and he’s _never_ paid me back for that!”

Eddie rolls his eyes. Why did they think it was a good idea to have Adriana testify again?

“It was around the time that Eddie got married to his late wife and had Christopher that I moved with my family back from Nevada to Texas. I wanted to be closer to him and I wanted our kids to grow up knowing each other.”

“I see. And would you say that you were around often while Mr. Diaz was deployed and Christopher was under the care of his mother and his grandparents?”

“I lived on the other side of the city, but it was close enough that I was over quite often. Christopher and my youngest daughter who is closest to his age are good friends.”

“You were also around when Eddie retired from the military, correct? You were around during the time after Christopher’s mother had left and Eddie had become a single father?” Helena and Ramon’s lawyer asks.

“Yes,” Adriana says. “It was a rough time. All of us were adjusting to learning how to help Eddie without overstepping. He had to work several jobs in order to keep their house and pay for Christopher’s medical bills.”

“And Mr. Diaz often borrowed money from his parents, correct?”

“All of which was paid back in full,” Julianna interrupts, showcasing the documents with proof of that. 

“Mrs. Romero,” Julianna asks. “How would you describe your own relationship with your parents?”

“My relationship with my parents was rocky growing up. It’s one of the reasons why Eddie and I remained so tight. That, and we had a lot in common, including our bisexuality.”

Eddie looks over at his parents, witnessing the twin horror that comes over the both of their faces.

“For a time period between the years of 2002 to 2006 I unwillingly did not have any contact with my parents because at the time they suspected I was dating a woman. Which was true. It was only once that relationship ended and I began dating and eventually married and had kids with a man, that they contacted me and wanted to reconcile our relationship because they wanted to have a relationship with their grandkids. At the time, I also wanted a relationship with my parents back and wanted them to know their grandkids, despite how they disowned me for five years.”

“And what was your parents relationship with your children like?”

“At first it was fine. I thought my mom was generally just trying to help me, but soon the same overbearing behaviors that had driven a wedge between me and her as a kid became apparent in how she tried to take over raising my kids for me. I felt like a failure as a mother, but I didn’t want my grandkids to not know their grandparents so I stayed in Texas. My biggest regret was not being more involved when my parents started doing the same with Eddie and Christopher. I admire my brother for having the strength to take him and his son here to California, despite the manipulation and guilt-tripping my parents used to try and force him into giving them full custody. Due to all of this, I have spoken with my own husband and at the end of the year we will be selling our house in El Paso and moving to California as well as we are no longer comfortable having our parents involved in our children's lives.” 

Eddie’s jaw dropped. She--Adriana was moving out of Texas? Eddie looked over at Buck, who looked equally as shocked and back to his parents who looked horrified. His mom looked on the verge of tears. 

“My brother loves his boy more than life itself and has continuously been making the tough choices to make sure Christopher is around good people who love him and will uplift him, and that includes his partner Buck. I’ve had the pleasure of seeing how Buck and Christopher are together, and it almost feels like Buck has been around all of Christopher’s life. They’re best friends and Buck is a role model to Christopher in the same amazing way Eddie is. I could not ask for two better fathers to my nephew than them.”

After Adriana left the stand, Julianna announces, “We would also like to submit additional testimonies on behalf of Mr. Diaz. We had written statements and interviews with his grandmother and aunt, and another last minute statement submitted by Mr. Diaz’s younger sister, Sophia Diaz, as well.”

“We would like to request a short recess so that we can properly look over the new information,” his parents lawyer says, but Eddie can see it all over their faces. They hadn’t expected the rest of their family to come to Eddie’s defense. 

Buck comes up to Eddie. “You managed to get Adriana to fly down here? When did that happen?”

“A couple of days ago,” Eddie said, before giving Buck a soft smile. “She told me you talked to her.”

Buck rubs the back of his head. “Yeah, but I didn’t tell her to do this, or say those things about me.”

Eddie turns back to the judge, watching as the woman reads through the papers, continuing to shift through most of the evidence put forth in front of her. He hoped with his entire heart that she saw it in her to see past the lies and slander and see the truth. See that Christopher needed him, just as much as he needed Christopher.

His parents walk back in several minutes later followed by their lawyer who looked subdued. The air around them is dark, his mom has a frown on her face but not one of her typical frowns. This one actually looked regretful, but Eddie wasn’t sure exactly what she was regretful of.

Adriana pats his back in solitary, the two Diaz siblings standing tall and united in front of their parents, before she walks back to the seats and sits down next to Buck.

His mom and dad stand and their lawyer clears her throat. 

“On behalf of my clients Helena and Ramon Diaz, they would like to officially withdraw their custody petition for Christopher Diaz. We will be filing the appropriate forms with the administration here shortly.”

A hush falls over the room. He feels Buck’s heavy stare on him, but Eddie can’t bring himself to draw his eyes away from his parents. 

And then all at once the peanut gallery begins to murmur and whisper amongst themselves in the background. 

The judge regards them skeptically. 

She clears her throat and finally Eddie is able to focus on anything other than the sickness he feels in his stomach.

The judge removes her glasses and straightens the papers into a folder before her.

“I’ve read through most of these documents and witness testimonies prior to this hearing. That, combined with the witnesses who spoken here today as well as the unfounded ruling from the CPS investigation as well as the psychological evaluation Mr. Diaz voluntarily took, I don’t see any particular reason to separate Mr. Diaz from his son due to physical violence concerns. Since the grandparents of Christopher are hereby withdrawing their plea for custody, I think the best course of action would be to award full custody of Christopher Diaz back to his father, Eddie Diaz effective immediately.”

She pounds the gavel down. 

Eddie can’t hear anything other than the rushing of blood in his ears. 

He stays sitting, staring at the judge, even as she signs some papers, passes them along to the notaries. People are speaking to him, Julianna, Carla, Adriana, his team as they swarm around him. He can’t see or hear anything they say.

It feels exactly like when his body was laying on that hospital bed, and his mind was trapped inside his head, floating around in a dark empty void of nothingness. Like he was trapped in a sensory deprivation tank. 

It all flashes through his head: the decision to leave Christopher with his parents, how much he’d lost not being a part of his son’s life. Christopher growing up, feeling like he couldn’t do or be anything he wanted because of his CP. Christopher feeling like his mom and dad didn’t love him because neither of them chose to stay for him. Shannon couldn’t, but Eddie had a choice. And he was choosing Christopher, now and forever.

Then his eyes lock on Buck, moving towards him, worry and elation on his face. Tears in his eyes. And just like Eddie pushed through the confines of his mind before and emerged back into consciousness, he feels himself steadily come back into his body.

He pushes through the mud trapping him in his head and surges up towards air, towards Buck. And there, in front of everyone, his parents, his family and friends, judge and jury, he pulls the love of his life in and kisses him soundly on the lips. 

Buck lets out a startled whimper, but then melts just as quickly into Eddie’s arms, wrapping them around Eddie’s back. It’s only once he realizes he’s crying that he has to pull back from the kiss, burying his face instead in Buck’s neck as the taller man rocks them back and forth. Buck is placing kisses all over his hair, down his face, rubbing his back, squeezing him tightly and Eddie can’t stop crying with the relief he feels. 

It was over. It was _finally_ fucking over. Buck is sniffing, and chuckling and holding him steadily until he calms down. When he finally pulls away, it’s too see all the lovely faces in the room, smiling, patting him on the back, a few tearing up with him. His parents and their lawyer are long gone.

Eddie lets himself get passed around, hugging his family, his _true_ family, but Buck’s hands still stay planted firmly on his body, reminding him that he was always there. That he would never have to take on anything alone ever again. 

Fuck, he was going to start crying again. 

And then he’s back in Buck’s arms. He places a soft kiss to Eddie’s cheek before leaning up to his ear. 

“Let’s go get our son back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same trigger warnings as last chapter:  
> -false accusations of physical abuse by Eddie towards Chris  
> -parental alienation
> 
> for this chapter:  
> -legal system trauma  
> -HOMOPHOBIA from Eddie's parents


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A soft epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mild implied smut towards the end

The first night at home, Christopher slept in Eddie’s bed between him and Buck. The little boy was beyond happy to have his dad and Buck back, and even more excited to have his entire room back in tact, but right now, between the three of them, they couldn’t be apart.

When Eddie first went to pick Christopher up from abuela’s house, he held the boy in his arms and cried again. Buck hung back for a little while, just watching the two of them until Eddie and Chris both turned, grabbed one of Buck’s hands each, and pulled him in. 

The three of them settled into a pile on abuela’s living room rug, the older woman having made herself scarce to give them some privacy--saying she was going to make them some food.

Eddie couldn’t control himself, and for the first time in his life he didn’t feel the desire to. He took Christopher and Buck’s cheeks in one hand, turning his head to plant kisses on each of their faces, clutching the two of them close to him like he might never get the chance to again. 

For once, he was just going to enjoy himself, being here with his boys.

They ate dinner with abuela, but then excused themselves to finally go home. 

The next morning, Buck and Christopher were awake before Eddie was. The two of them were turned towards each other, whispering conspiratorially. Eddie didn’t think either of them noticed that he was awake yet. He was fine to keep it that way for the time being. Christopher thought he was being quiet, but he could hear him talking to Buck about the book he was reading, the one neither of them had been able to read to him in months. Christopher burst into giggles and Buck scrunched his face, trying to stifle his own laughter. He threw up a finger, trying to quiet Christopher, but the attempts were so weak it just made Christopher laugh more. 

Eddie didn’t think he had ever been more in love with his family.

Eddie had his arms and legs thrown over Christopher and Buck, and he slid his eyes shut, pretending to still be asleep as he squeezed the two of them close. They giggle together and Buck snorts when Eddie continues to squeeze them until they’re practically wrapped in a vice by Eddie’s arms.

“What do you think?” Buck says to Christopher. “You’re daddy’s arms are as strong as a snake! Did you know I once had to fight off a snake that was wrapped around a woman’s neck?”

_“No way,”_ Christopher whispers with awe. 

“Agghh,” Buck groans and Christopher kicks his arms and legs out as Eddie continues to squeeze the two of them against him. 

“Daddy!” Christopher squeals. “You’re crushing me and Bucky!”

Eddie lets them go then, letting them both take deep breaths in before Eddie makes his second attack. He leaps forward, turning onto his hands and knees and reaches for Christophe’s sides. Buck picks up on Eddie’s dastardly plot within seconds and joins in, ticking Christopher’s sides and grinning and laughing as the little boy squeals. 

“No, daddy! Daddy, Bucky, no!” Christopher giggles and kicks his arms and legs with no real force. 

Eddie throws his head back and laughs before settling back down onto his side, pulling his son into his chest and kissing his forehead. “Oh, I love you, mijo.”

“I love you too, daddy.” Christopher grins. He flings a hand out and presses it to Buck’s. “I love you too, Bucky. I’m so happy to have my dads back!”

Eddie and Buck lock eyes over Christopher, the latter looking nervous like Eddie would be _upset_ with just came out of Christopher’s mouth.

“Would you like that?” Eddie asks Christopher instead. “If we were both your dads?”

Christopher scrunches his face. “What do you mean? I thought Buck was already my dad? The judge said so! It’s the law now!”

This time when Eddie and Buck catch each other’s gaze, they burst into laughter. Christopher looks confused between them, but eventually laughs with them simply because he wanted to join in their joy.

Eventually when they get up because Christopher had to pee and because Eddie’s stomach was rumbling, Eddie pulls Buck aside.

“You are, you know,” he says, nudging Buck gently against the wall before the kitchen. He leans in, kissing the side of his mouth.

Buck’s eyes roll back in his head. “I’m what?”

“His dad,” Eddie clarifies. Buck looks up at that. “You’re not replacing me or trying to pull me out.” He slides his arms up over Buck’s chest and around his shoulders. “You’re joining me in it.”

Buck narrows his eyes at Eddie, and Eddie wonders if Buck’s caught his reference. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t mention it, instead just pushes forward and kisses Eddie’s cheek before kissing his lips, deepening it with a moan until Christopher comes out, demanding banana bread and lucky charms for breakfast because his abuela hadn’t let him eat anything but raisin bran for breakfast. 

They pulled Christopher out of school for the next couple of days, stating that they needed a family day or two. He would go back to school on Wednesday and Buck and Eddie would go back to work on Thursday. 

They asked Christopher what he wanted to do that day, and the kid had asked to go to the park, then to have a movie marathon that evening. So, the usual. It had been their routine, but it had been interrupted for months, and now was the first time they could be all together again.

Christopher didn’t want to play on the playground by himself. He enlisted Buck and Eddie on the swings and on the monkey bars and on the jungle gym. 

“Hey, you know, Bernice was wanting to get together for a playdate with Chris and Jamie,” Buck says.

“Huh. Yeah, sure.” Eddie says, then regards Buck when the older man flushes out of nowhere. “What?”

Buck shakes his head. “Nothing. It’s just uh--”

Eddie raises an amused eyebrow. 

Buck chuckles nervously. “She, uh, she assumed I was your husband.”

Eddie purses his lips, nodding. “And you corrected her?”

“No,” Buck says instantly. 

Bernice had implied the same before, the handful of times he’d talked with her. Eddie never corrected her either. Truth was he liked it when others thought of Buck as his. Back then it was like a consolation prize, knowing other people thought they were together even if they weren’t. Because Eddie wanted it, but didn’t think he would ever get it.

All those fears seemed so silly now. 

“I didn’t either,” Eddie decides to tell him. “Correct her, I mean.” He knows if he just tells him the truth it would make Buck feel good, and he sees no need to hide anything from Buck anymore. 

The sweet smile that blooms over his blushing face, the soft blinking eyelashes over twinkling blue eyes, made it all worth it.

He takes Buck’s hand and walks back with him to their bench, letting Christopher play with some of the other kids on the playground for the time being.

Buck threads their fingers together, bringing their conjoined hands up to his lips. It’s a habit Eddie’s noticed he picked up since Eddie woke up. Like they couldn’t go a minute without having their lips on each other in some form or another. Eddie liked it, a lot.

He settled back against his partner and watched his son play.

He already made an appointment for Christopher with Dr. Kim next week. He didn’t know what kind of emotional damage this whole process had done to a little kid like Christopher. Being forcibly kept away from his father for so long. Both because of his coma, and because of the court system. He knew there was bound to be some lasting consequences. He saw it in the way Christopher was scared to be away from him for too long, the way the little boy had froze when Eddie mentioned he would be going back to work at the end of the week. Eddie knew what it was like to have abandonment issues. Just because he was with Buck now didn’t mean those fears didn’t linger underneath his skin, when they had disagreements, when one of them withdrew from the other when things got too hard. It took time for Eddie to learn how to combat that. He was still learning.

And he wanted to make sure Christopher got the help he needed, even if it was help that Eddie couldn’t provide. All he could do was stay by his son’s side, remind him that he had people who loved him. Who would never abandon them of their own choice. 

He also made an appointment with Frank for himself for next week too. He hadn’t been able to fall asleep last night, his mind too stuck on the look on his parent’s face when they had withdrawn their plea for custody. He truly hadn’t expected his parents to give up. It wasn’t in the Diaz blood to give up. Eddie hadn’t learned his stubbornness from nowhere.

But they gave up. They put Eddie, put _Christopher,_ through all of that and then just...gave up. Thinking back on it, Eddie knew that the trial was coming up his way, that he was more than likely going to win over his parents. Had his parents just decided to quit before they lost? Was that it?

Maybe it was the fact that Adriana was ready to pack up and leave, to be the one disowning them for a change. Perhaps it had finally hit the two of them that if they kept on as they were they were going to lose their entire family.

Had they felt bad? Some part of Eddie, the part that wanted to hate them, that never ever wanted to forgive them for as long as he lived, hoped they did feel bad. Hoped that they laid awake at night and felt horrible for what they put Eddie and his family through. But he knew better. The pair of them had never expressed any regret for any of the things they had put Eddie or his sisters through going up. Or if they had _felt_ regret, their pride was too large and in the way for them to ever express it. To ever make amends properly for it.

Eddie knew it, that sometimes people didn’t deserve forgiveness for themselves, and Eddie didn’t know if a day would ever come where he could give them that forgiveness. But Eddie decided that he would forgive them for _him._ Because what they did wasn’t okay, and the hate still lingered in his dreams. Where he would be in front of them and he would just scream and cry right in their faces. Finally tell them how much pain they had caused--intentionally or not. 

Eddie knew he wasn’t completely innocent in all of it. He’d made choices, made mistakes, too. But he knew that this wasn’t his fault. 

So he would let go of that anger, one day, when time had taken it course. He would let go of that pain and that rage and that betrayal, for Christopher. Because he didn’t deserve to live a life knowing his father hated his grandparents. 

He didn’t know if he would ever let them see Christopher again. At least not for a long time. 

He wouldn’t do to them what they wanted to do to him. He wouldn’t force them to miss the entire life of his son. They won’t be involved, and they won’t have any say. They would stay in Texas, and any contact would go through Eddie, if he even allowed any contact at all.

He would leave it to Christopher. Those were his grandparents, and he wouldn’t get in the way if his son wanted to have a relationship with them. But he would be watching, always. And his mom and dad would have to live with that, knowing that they’d lost their only son’s trust for life. 

Christopher runs up to them, taking a seat on Eddie’s lap, showing the two of them the stick figure he’d made out of odd pieces of tanbark. 

Maybe one day they would be okay. But for now, Eddie was fine to sit here, on this bench with Buck and Christopher, content in what he had.

*

The first time Eddie sets foot back in El Paso, Texas, he nearly turns heel right there on the plane runway and hightails it back into his seat to head straight back to California. 

He thought he was ready to come back home. Hell, he wouldn’t even be visiting his childhood home or the house he had lived in with Shannon. He was here with Christopher and Buck for Julian’s birthday party. 

Buck never lets go of his hand except for when they’re forced apart during the TSA check. After that the two of them hold hands as they wait in line, as they sit on the plane and as they drive from the airport to Adriana’s house.

There were a bunch of cars lined up outside their house, and they could hear the music from the front yard.

Christopher was bouncing in his seat and as soon as Buck got him out of his seat, the little stinker was off across the yard and ringing the doorbell over and over again.

His sister opens up the door. “AYOOOOOOO, is that my main man Christopher?!”

“TÍA ADRI!” Christopher shouts. Eddie smiles as his sister bends down and scoops his son up in her arms.

She sets him down and he runs off into the house, already greeting his cousins before Eddie and Buck can even make it to the door.

“Is that Eddie and Buck?” Eddie hears coming from behind Adri. Julian pops his head out and when he sees the two of them, he points and whoops at their joined hands. “Ayyyyyyyy hermanos! Come in, come in!”

Buck greets Julian with clasped hands pulled into chests and slaps on the back as Eddie falls into his sister’s waiting arms, kissing her cheek and squeezing her to him. 

“Eddito, oh my fuck, took you long enough to come see me. You’ve gained weight! You look like a proper papa now,” Adriana pokes him in the belly. “What happened to those abs Dani took those pictures for?”

“Oh you didn’t know?” Buck asks, Adri, Julian and Eddie all look at him. “We used to call him 8-pack but not anymore.”

Eddie groans and his brother-in-law and sister bust up laughing, pulling the pair of them inside. For the first time all evening, Buck and Eddie let go of each other’s hands as Julian pulls Buck to the garage to go get beers and Eddie is pulled by Adriana into the kitchen.

The two of them stand together near the sliding glass door to the backyard where they can see Harley and Christopher playing together with a few neighbor kids who had come over for the party. 

“I was kidding earlier,” Adri says, smacking his belly and making Eddie groan again. “You look good. Healthy. Happy.”

Eddie looks out onto the patio where he can see Julian and Buck talking together animatedly, Buck throwing his head back in laughter and bringing his hand up to his chest like he does whenever something is particularly funny. 

Eddie looks at the image before him and smiles. “I am happy.”

She elbows him lightly this time. “It’s because you finally got your head outta your ass and snagged you some man candy.”

Eddie huffs and rolls his eyes. “Don’t let him hear you say that or I won’t hear the end of it.”

“Ooh, Diaz, you afraid I’mma steal your man?” 

Eddie throws his arm over her shoulder. “Not a chance. I got something he needs that you simply couldn’t give him.”

She cackles like a hyena and then wolf-whistles out the window. Buck and Julian turn towards them and Buck grins like a maniac. 

“Looking good!” she shouts and Julian starts dancing up on Buck to which the taller man nearly falls over, crying with laughter.

“Heheh!” Adriana smirks and then looks over at Eddie who had nothing but a gigantic smile on his face at their antics. “You should’ve seen him and Christopher when they were here last. Such natural best friends.”

“They love each other,” Eddie says simply. It’s a fact. “He’s a natural father. I envy him.”

Adriana shrugs. “I don’t think it comes as natural as you think. I saw how hard that man worked for it. He had to crack _you_ for starters, and that’s no easy task.”

“Maybe.” 

Eddie looks over at Christopher, the way he so easily lets himself have fun, all of his emotions clear as day on his face. They all had shit to work on, but Eddie knew that both he and Buck were becoming the examples, the fathers, he wished his own parents had been for him.

Adriana leans forward, trying to catch his eye. “You gonna visit them?”

Eddie shakes his head. It’s been almost four months since he’d last seen or heard from his parents. 

“No,” Eddie said. He was still hurt. Even though working with Frank and with Buck had helped him to get rid of the anger and the resentment that used to eat away at him, all that left him with was hurt, and he still didn’t think he could be in the presence of his parents and not feel that hurt tenfold.

Adriana nods. “That’s fair. More than fair.”

“You don’t think Christopher should get to visit his grandparents?”

“I think they should earn the right to _be_ his grandparents. Just like you and Buck fought and earned the right to be Christopher’s parents. They don’t have any right to him just because they’re blood.”

She was right, just like she always was.

“Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I’m right,” Adriana laughs. “Damn straight!”

One day, maybe soon or maybe later, he’d be ready to stand in front of his parents again. But today was not that day. And that was okay.

Eddie joins Buck outside on the patio, who stands alone sipping a beer and leaning against a pillar.

“Hey,” Buck smiles, taking his hand and bringing it up to his lips to kiss. 

“Hey,” Eddie says back, turning his head and kissing Buck’s cheek. 

“What was that for? Not that I’m complaining!” He chuckles.

Eddie just strokes Buck’s cheek. “I love you.”

Buck chokes on his sip of beer.

“I’m sorry I didn’t say it before,” Eddie tells him earnestly. “I wanted to. There was just never a right moment. A perfect moment. I wanted it to be perfect for you.”

Buck’s eyelashes do the adorable fluttering Eddie loves and he turns down his face, bashful. “Well, you know, that’s the thing about I love you’s, you can say them as many times as you like. It doesn’t need to always need to be a life altering moment.”

Eddie smiles. He never seems to be able to stop smiling around Buck, and Christopher who’s laughter permeates the air.

“Well then I’ll say it again. Over and over until it has no meaning left.”

Buck bumps his shoulder. “Even if you never said it, I knew how you felt.”

“You did, huh?” Buck just had a way of knowing. He wasn’t a mind reader, Eddie learned that the hard way, and that when it came to Buck, he needed things verbalized. So Eddie would tell him every day if that made him happy. Made him feel how valuable he was to Eddie. How much Eddie loved him.

“I love you too, by the way,” Buck says again, bumping his arm again. Eddie pulls him close and kisses him again, getting lost in it until Christopher runs into their legs and begs them to let him jump in the pool.

“No, no, no!” Eddie says. “We didn’t bring swimsuits or a change of clothes.”

The grin that spreads across Buck’s face is heart stopping.

“No. No no--”

But it’s too late. Buck scoops Christopher up with one hand and Eddie with the other and runs towards the pool. 

He’s plunged into surprisingly warm water not a second later. 

Eddie pops his head up above the water, gasping for air and then turning to find his son and husb--Buck laughing like madmen, Christopher resting on Buck’s hip. 

“I cannot _believe_ you just did that!” Eddie gasps. He splashes Buck and Christopher who squeal and splash him back, into an all out war before Buck’s arm finds itself wrapped around Eddie’s waist and he’s pulled forcefully into the larger man’s chest.

“You love me anyway,” Buck says in a sing-song, his smirk failing to hide the love shining in his eyes. 

Eddie lets himself breath over Buck’s wet chest pressed into him. “Yeah, I do.” 

He surges up and latches onto Buck’s mouth. It’s wet and tastes a little like chlorine but the only reason they stop is because Christopher splashes cold water directly into their faces.

“Oh, we’re _so_ gonna get you for that,” Eddie points. 

“Not today!” Buck yells, pushing past Eddie to grab Christopher before launching the two of them off through the pool, letting Christopher shriek and kick with him, like a team. 

Eddie sets off after them, smiling the whole way.

*

Buck’s birthday is coming up in a few days. He doesn’t normally do much to celebrate it, but this was his first birthday with Eddie. With them as a _couple._ Sometimes Buck really couldn't believe it. That he had Eddie; an Eddie who wanted Buck back just as much as he did.

It was mind-blowing to say the least.

And Christopher. Sometimes Buck could cry thinking about how grateful he was to have that little boy in his life. He’ll think about the day they first met and after only one conversation Christopher had shouted _“I like you! Can I call you Bucky?”_ Eddie’s face had turned red and he looked like he was about to say something, but Buck had laughed with delight and said, _“I would be absolutely honored. I like you too, buddy!”_

And Eddie. God, Buck just couldn’t stop thinking about him. It’d been months now, since the day they first kissed, and Buck still couldn’t get used to the feel of Eddie’s lips on him, around him, inside him.

He’d woken up this morning to Eddie’s lips on his neck, trailing down his chest, trailing wet marks past his nipples. The black ink of his tattoos shimmered in the morning light. Buck couldn’t concrete on anything but the heat of Eddie’s mouth and Eddie’s god damn face. Shit, he was so pretty like this, pink cheeks hollowed, and lips sparkling. It was Eddie’s dilated pupils, the way his eyelashes fluttered and his prominent brow furrowed that really made Buck come undone.

He pulls Eddie up back to his lips before he reaches his peak, wanting to be kissing Eddie, feeling him everywhere when it happens. Chest to chest, skin sticking together from lube, spit and precome. 

He reached down and shifted Eddie by the hips, letting his legs fall open before leading him to where Buck needed him. They rocked against each other, Buck keeping Eddie from pulling out too far. He wanted Eddie to be a part of him forever. 

He let Eddie take him apart and fuckfuck _fuckfuck--_

He never got used to the whispered I love you’s in his ears. Eddie said he would tell him as often as he wanted till it had no meaning but what he didn’t realize is that Buck would never ever get used to it. For Buck, it would never lose its meaning. Maybe because Buck had spent years learning to hear the I love you’s in the way Eddie brushed his shoulder, in the way Eddie kept his gaze, the way he covered Buck’s back during a fire.

Or maybe it was because Eddie was not a verbal person, and Buck knew it took a lot out of him to remember to speak his feelings. Even if Eddie felt it, Buck knew the effort Eddie had to put in to then convert the feelings to words. And that was why every I love you felt different. Every one felt special.

There was a surprise party for Buck later that evening. They were having it at Eddie’s house that evening, despite Bobby and Athena’s typically being the hub for parties, because tonight was just going to be close friends and family, some cake and some good times. 

Eddie made him breakfast that morning which was actually pretty good. The man was learning, and he was actually getting good. Giving Buck a break. Christopher made him his abuela’s Mexican hot chocolate and it was the most heavenly thing Buck had ever tasted. 

The rest of the day was pretty chill. His birthday was, unfortunately, on a Friday, which meant Christopher had to go to school for most of the afternoon, but Eddie and Buck had the rest of the day off and they spent it well. Completely in the bedroom, only really emerging for food and to get ready once it was time to go pick Christopher up. After that it was time to get ready for the party. 

Eddie, it turns out, was a nervous planner. He stressed about the cake and the decorations and the extra chairs until Buck had to back him against the wall and smother him in kisses to get him to calm down because it was Buck’s birthday and Eddie had no business getting anxious and stressed on Buck’s birthday.

“I just want things to be perfect,” Eddie murmurs.

“I have you, and I have Christopher. The 118 are all coming over tonight. It’s already perfect.”

Eddie let Buck make out with him against the wall for another 15 minutes before someone by the name of Christopher got suspicious of how long they were gone and came looking for them.

Eddie’s nervous energy didn’t seem to tamper down as their guests arrived, Maddie and Chim with the cake and Carly. Buck cuddled his baby niece and caught Eddie staring at them while he stood and talked with Maddie while they got the catering set up in Eddie’s kitchen. 

“Mama!” Carly called and Buck laughed.

“Looks like your baby girl is asking for you,” Buck says as he shifts his niece to his sister. 

Maddie bounced Carly a few times, and the baby pointed at him and said “Unca Bubba!”

Maddie laughs. “That’s right! That’s Unca Bubba! It’s his 30th birthday today! Can you believe he’s old now?”

“Hey now!”

Christopher bursts out laughing as he comes into the room and catches the tail end of their conversation. 

“Bucky’s old now!”

“Christopher!” Buck throws his hands up to his neck. “Not you too! You’re breaking my heart.”

Christopher smiles and walks up to him, reaching up for Buck to pick him up.

Buck smiles and hoists the kid up, settling him on his hip. “I’m not the only one getting old. Soon enough you’re gonna be bench pressing more than me!”

Maddie laughs and Carly lets out a squeal at Christopher. “Chris! Chris!” Carly babbles, though to everyone else it comes out sounding more like “kiss kiss”. 

“That’s right!” Buck strokes the little girl’s cheek. “This is your cousin, Chris!”

“Chris! Chris!” Carly repeats again.

“Can Carly have a cookie?” Christopher asks Maddie. Buck shares a look with his sister. 

“She’s a bit too young for cookies right now, but soon enough I know you two are gonna be sneaking them out from behind our backs!” Maddie jokes, but then hands Christopher a cookie. Chim comes in a moment later, taking Carly to go get her changed and Christopher wanders off with his cookie to go find his dad.

Maddie sighs. “Look at us. Parents. Can you believe it?”

Something warm and sweet curls in Buck’s chest. “Didn’t expect that when we fled to California, huh?”

She shakes her head. “I didn’t think I would ever get to have this. Not after Doug.”

Yeah, Buck knew the feeling. 

“But we’re here now,” Buck says, slapping his hands together. “And you’re happy.”

“I am,” Maddie says. “What about you?”

Buck smiles so hard it makes his face hurt. “I never knew I could be this happy.”

Maddie’s eyes start to water and she reaches forward, hugging Buck around the shoulders. “I told you.”

Buck doesn’t cry at all at her words. The Buckley’s are _not_ crybabies, no matter what Chim and Eddie liked to joke about.

The rest of the 118 show up soon, Hen and Karen with Denny and Nia, who follow Christopher to the backyard. Athena and Bobby, Harry, May, Michael and Dr. Hale all file in and the party really gets started. 

Buck does the rounds, and then finds himself just sitting on the couch talking with his friends, before drifting off to the backyard when it hits him that he really hadn’t seen Eddie much the whole evening. Buck missed him. It was a little childish and a lot clingy, but he wanted Eddie.

He finds him in the backyard watching over the kids with Hen.

“Hey Buckaroo!” Hen says, standing up and hugging him. “Happy birthday, you old geezer!”

“If I’m a geezer, you two are decrepit!”

“Oh my god, just get down here.” Eddie grabs Buck’s arm, yanking him down until he’s sitting firmly in Eddie’s lap.

Oh. He could get used to this.

Hen just snorts and shakes her head. “My god, can’t believe anyone didn’t see this coming.”

“Shut up, we just took our time is all,” Buck whines and Hen throws her head back and laughs again. 

“Fools, the both of you.”

Eddie hears the timer go off and gently scoots Buck off his lap onto the chair beside him before rushing inside. Hen excuses herself to check on Nia. 

Buck finds himself running into Bobby on the way back in.

The fire captain looks at him, reaching out a hand to shake his. “Happy birthday, Buck.” Buck ignores his hand and wraps Bobby in a tight hug. 

“Thanks, Bobby. For everything. For believing in me.”

Bobby shakes his head. “You never needed me to believe in you, kid.”

He scoffs, “I’m sure that’s not what Buck 1.0 would say.”

“No no no, I don’t want to hear anymore of that Buck 1.0/2.0 nonsense.” Bobby holds his gaze. “You’ve always been you, Buck. Yeah, some of us might have influenced you. Your parents, Maddie, Me, Abby, Eddie. But none of us get the credit for the you that you are now. You should be proud of yourself for how far you’ve come.”

Buck blinks, before wrapping Bobby in an even bigger hug that the older man returns just as fiercely. Bobby pats his back and says, “I’ve always been proud of who you are.”

After dinner, Buck gets to blow out the candles. Christopher asks what he wished for and Buck proudly announces to everyone in the entire room that he already had his wish and kisses Christopher on the forehead before pulling Eddie into an unexpectedly deep kiss that has the older man blushing and the rest of the room whooping and hollering. 

“Presents!” 

They gather around and Buck opens the presents from his friends and family. They’re all amazing, and Buck goes around and hugs and thanks each and every one of them personally, not just for the birthday wishes but for all the support they showed him and Eddie when they were fighting to keep their family together. He could never express to them how grateful he was.

The party winds down after that, and soon everyone trickles on home, leaving Buck to linger in bliss with his boys. No more going home to an empty apartment, he’d officially moved into Eddie’s house last month. When everyone else was busy at work, he got to go home, kiss Eddie and cuddle with Christopher and know that he belonged somewhere.

Buck is sitting on the couch when Eddie and Christopher emerge from Christopher’s room, Chris holding something behind his back.

Buck narrows his eyes at them. “Please don’t tell me you got me another present, you guys.”

Eddie sits down on the couch, Christopher plopping down right in between them with a colorfully wrapped square box.

“Well after the whole team chipped in to get the three of us an all expenses paid cruise for next summer, I had to find a way to one up them,” Eddie says.

“Hey, that’s not true.”

“It was my idea!” Christopher says happily.

“It’s not a lot I promise,” Eddie adds. “It’s a long time coming actually. Probably nothing but--”

Christopher hands him the box and motions for him to open. Buck gives them one last look before he takes the cap off. Inside are papers, signed and dotted except for where his name was printed, waiting for his signature.

It is adoption papers.

“Eddie--”

“I know that you’re already Christopher’s legal guardian if anything happens to me, but--I just--it’s not enough. Not for me at least.”

“Now you’re gonna be one hundred precent officially my dad, no matter what the judges or the lawyers or grandma and grandpa say!” Christopher says it so easily, and he doesn’t notice the flinch Eddie gives, but Buck does.

Buck grabs Eddie’s hand. “You know I don’t need this written on a piece of paper to want to be with you both forever right? I’m happy to keep going as we are.”

Eddie avoids his eyes, turning slightly away. “Or--it. Um.”

Buck understands now. This was why Eddie was so nervous all day long.

“If it’s what you both want, of course I’ll adopt you Christopher,” Buck says, hugging the little boy against him. “I would adopt you in a heartbeat. I just want to make sure it’s what you and your daddy both want.”

“Or you could get married!” Christopher helpfully supplies. 

Now it was both Buck and Eddie’s turn to blush and hide their faces. But Eddie looks almost relieved to have the notion out there. 

“Only if you want to,” Eddie says softly. 

“I want everything with you. Everything.”

“Then why not both?” Christopher suggests. “Bucky adopts me, and you two get married. Problem solved. You’re welcome!”

Buck and Eddie laugh, Buck running a hand along Christopher’s face while Eddie strokes through his hair.

The two of them share a look, and their free hands reach out over the back of the couch and slide together. 

“What do you say?” Eddie asks. “You down for the ride?”

Buck looks over his lovely family and they share equally soft smiles. A promise.

“You know it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE FINISHED AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
> This was...a journey. I hope you all enjoyed it and that this ending was satisfying and enough to feel earned after reading literally 100k of angst. Y'all are brave as hell.
> 
> I have another multi-chaptered fic (Objects in the Mirror) currently out that will be posting periodically. It's looking like it'll be another long fic like this one. If you like psuedo-soulmate au's, I think you'll like that one. it's going to be WAY less angsty than this fic but rest assured, I can't write anything without some angst. First three chapters of that fic are out!  
>    
> [Objects in the Mirror](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25299115/chapters/61338583)  
> 

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr is the same username, if you'd like to come talk to me. Thanks!


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